New Salem by Wolfgang Calvin - Horror - In the secluded town of New Salem, Alaska, a disgraced sheriff seeks to rescue his former deputies from a coven of witches operating a whore house.  ( R ) - pdf, format 8)

Hello Wolfgang,

Assuming you're a newbie (not using a fake name).  It's not a bad story.  I liked it.  You've stuck closer to the theme than I did.

There's a few mistakes in there that can easily be fixed.

The FD demo text in the background was quite distracting.  I suggest using Celtx as it's free and doesn't come with this distracting text.

All the best,


Javier

Oh boy...

Uh, yeah, posting this with "Final Draft 8 Demo" all over every page is not a good idea, bro.

Writing-wise, I can tell you're probably brand new at this and it does show.  I don't mean that in a mean way, but I have to be honest.  There are so many mistakes of every kind everywhere here.  You really need to look into the use of the apostrophe.

You're attempting to direct ths shots here and it reads very poorly.

Your character intros are all very poor - you over describe details that don't matter, yet never give a single character an age - "young" and "old" are in the eyes of the reader.

Character names come off as goofy.  Action is not remotely realistic.  All in all, it doesn't work at all as written.

Too bad too, because I actually love your logline and was thinking this could be really cool.

Don't give up, as the fixes here are relatively simple once you know what you're doing.

Congrats on entering a script!

Time to buy your FD and get out of the demo mode or find another program.

You don't need all the CUT TOs. Most of the time, when a new line of narrative happens, it's ubderstood (wiithout writing it) that we are "cutting to" that new scene, action or character. Right now the abundance of it clutters up the pages. I don't mind one or two in a longer script, but they aren't needed this much in a short script.

'Young and old' - needs to be more defined with characters. Friar is a deputy that's "young". Diana is "an old woman'. That shows menothing. John Friar could be 28 and Diana could be 52.

About Sexy Susie and Lori Love. I don't mind funny names. But in narrative you keep switching from Lori Love to Lori, Sexy Susie to Susie and so on. Note there's no Dirty Diana...just Diana. Not that I'm saying there Diana should be dirty. But alass, she has no funny nickname.

Forget the 'SUPERIMPOSE' at the end. It isn't needed.

Aside from all the above and a few spelling errors, the story drags out a bit too long (Diana has a 'talking fallicy' cliche) but for the OWC it's a decent shot. Not bad, But it could have been far better.

I'm sorry, I really tried on this one but the demo watermark was way to distracting.

Hard to get through because of the watermark. Waaaay too much minor details about characters personal appearance. Frequently hard to follow the logic -- or lack of -- in sentences. And the point of the story?

Despite some flaws with the writing I kind of liked the action here, straight in, no messing around.  Reading the feedback I see this is your first script -- so kudos for that, it’s not a bad effort for a first time at all.

A few things to think about:

I wouldn’t use ‘gloom’ to indicate time of day.  It’s generally DAY or NIGHT, though I’d suggest reading up on slug-lines to see what the accepted format is and the reasons why.

Spend more time thinking through your action lines.  Not sure you can come to a ‘screeching halt’ if you’re plowing through muddy ground.  Might seem like a niggle, but stuff like this counts when writing for a visual medium.

Same thing with,

‘Sheriff Lyon lays on his knees, breathing heavily.’

Why not,

‘Sheriff Lyon kneels, breathing heavily’.

How do we know he’s the ‘...former Sheriff’?  Again, this has to be shown through the story itself and not told to the reader.

Spend some time on the spelling and grammar -- apostrophes in particular, it’ll go a long way to get reads.

Think about how to tighten your action lines and trim the fat, i.e.

‘Lori Love comes stomping out of the house, making her way towards Sheriff Lyon. The gunfire doesn’t phase her, it only seems to piss her off.’

It’s not terrible, but it could be simpler:

‘Lori Love stomps out of the house and continues towards the Sheriff unfazed.’

-- We’d know by her next line of dialogue that she’s pissed at him.

Again, not a bad effort for a first try -- good luck and keep at it!

Celtx is free, there are also free templates for both Microsoft Word and Libre Office (Open Office on Windows).

You seem to have an aversion to commas.


"WOMAN (O.S.)
Oh stop it you dumb asshole...
"

Who is this woman?


"Suddenly Sexy Susie comes bursting through the cellar door."

No need for the word 'suddenly'... indeed, there rarely is in a screenplay.


"Lori Love comes stomping out of the house
..."

No... Lori stomps out of the house


"Sheriff Lyon fires his rifle at Lori Love but, Lori reaches
her arms out and the bullets turn to dust.
"

Drop the 'but' and put in a full stop.


"notices the
murder of crows
"

Murder of Crows is actually the title of one of my latest scripts.


Anyway... I skimmed through to the end which is why I noticed that. Story is very lacklustre. Just needs work. I can't score you as I didn�t read it all.

Don't get me wrong, you're a pretty decent writer. You just need a more fitting story. You should also read lots of scripts.

I like the logline, sounds like a fresh concept.

Well, the final draft demo slapped across every page is very distracting. Just use some free software like trelby in the future. Or, from my knowledge, you can edit away the watermark since it's not tattooed onto the script with a simple pdf editor.

These names seem to be taken out of a porno methinks.

The POVs make me think this is a pisser, since I see no reason for them to exist.

Page 3: You see, I can't really pinpoint it but I literally have no idea why this was made on the trial version of final draft since the writer obviously knows what he's doing.

Why the hell is there an underscore in the dialogue? ;D ;D

"Diana notices the gun. Freezes, pupils dilate. She smirks.
DIANA (CONT’D)
Bastard.
Sheriff Lyon fires the handgun, blows Diana’s head off. " ;D

You know, surprisingly, this was okay. Not too bad. Writing for the most part was fine. Seemed like a pisser, didn't laugh much mostly because I'm not in the mood. Story had some good surprises and I had fun. Ending could've been better though, a little underwhelming but it was still fine. Good effort.

Grade: C+ Would've been a B- if you took away those annoying watermarks.

Storywise, it was entertaining to some degree. A whorehouse full of witches. A determined Sheriff to clean house and rescue Johnny. Horror was present indeed but the format needs some working. Get some new software (Celtrex, Trelby) to help with the watermark in the background. Too many times the watermark blended with the dialogue and action lines. Hard to read. Also when introducing the character for the first time include an age. Helps the reader get an idea what the person looks like. No age. No idea if the person is young or old. Anyways, good job. Keep writing, you'll only get better with time.

Congrats on completing the OWC!

- Dirk

Hey -

Like others, I found myself really distracted by the Final Draft watermark.  As some have mentioned, Celtx is one option.  Another would be cutting and pasting into Word, and then tweaking format as needed.

Based on a few things (typos, etc), I'm guessing you're a relatively new writer.  Yes, there are things that you'll revise re: your writing style as you go along.  Abbreviating descriptions to essential details only.  More active verbs. Shorter sentences, etc.

And there were a few little things that stood out for me as promising in this.  One line in particular "you'd make a better pet than supper."  

So keep at it..!  And congrats on submitting to the OWC!  :)

Agree on ‘GLOOM’ – stick to day and night.
I didn’t see the sense in cutting Suzie’s speech halfway through on page 1, It was kind of off-putting.

Although it's obvious that you are farely new - all in all, I thought this was a cute, interesting little story that has a lot of potential.

Keep at it.

Renee

POST edit - I DONT THINK THIS IS A NEWBIE AT ALL - IF I'M RIGHT THIS IS CLEVER, IF I'M WRONG, I'LL WIPE THIS TO HIDE THE EVIDENCE

Hi Wolfgang

Logline - tidy work, I like it

Yuck, what's this final draft demo stuff - buy the software!

Screeching halt in mud - boom boom
Avoid cut to, smash cut, pan out etc IMO
A script with skanky!!! Wonderful
Then a cut to black - not needed, IMO

You know what, I think you can write, and pretty good as well

Yup I really hate this draft demo type

P3 - format goes off, extra line
Christ you speak Greek as well?
Great line on the buddying and puffing

BINGO - I think I know the writer!!! Yup, I'll put my money on it, whatever money that is ...

I'll be soooo disappointed if I'm wrong

Anyway, beyond the typeface is a very decent story. The give aways...

V focused, one dramatic scene
Tight characters
Tension, drama, out come
Decent twist

However, can't say I got the end

Grade...oh what can I grade this...

B-   Revised, didn't like the ending.

Just opened this one up. The FD water mark is a bit distracting, but I understand if you haven't wanted to take the plunge for a legit copy yet. Celtx is free. Check it out.

Story wise, this one was okay. I liked the idea of a Sheriff trying to rid his town of the coven. That idea can probably be made into a feature script.

I'm not so sure I liked the witches boiling people. Seemed unnecessary. Maybe because I'm tired of cannibalism stories.

I liked the wooden gun. Sort of like needing a silver bullet to kill a werewolf.

I think some of your writiing can be made a little more clear, but over all, a decent story.  :)

Page 1.   The end of the slug should tell us what time of day it is. DAY or NIGHT. GLOOM isn't exactly a time reference.

Do tires screech in mud?

Why do you describe Freddy Lyon as former sheriff. If that is important to the story, let it be revealed on screen in some way otherwise, an audience will never know. Your character name in the dialogue you call him Sheriff Lyons. Why not skip the "former" part and just call him Sheriff Lyons.

Page 2.   Your slug says CELLAR. You need to tell us where or who's cellar it is. Is it the whore house or the dilapidated colonial?

Page 4.   How do we know Lyon's ears ring?

Why not just use Celtx?

Don't like apostrophes?

"Former" Sherriff? How in the world are we supposed to know that?

So many CUT TO's. Ugh. More distracting to me than the Final Draft watermark AND unnecessary.

Lots of characters already by page 2.

I couldn't get into this story. For me it was too much action, not enough character development. I didn't care about anyone so for me the story fell flat. I think even in action stories we need to have some investment in the main character.

Good job completing something for this challenge though.

All of the different POV were confusing to me to be honest. You should figure a way to lose them and leave off the camera directions.

Satanic symbols have nothing to do with witchcraft. Do your research.

This story didn't really have enough meat for me. I didn't care too much for any of the characters. There were lots of holes in the backstory, so it needs some more work IMO. Good job completing an OWC.

I've mentioned a lot of these scripts feel like stories that are too big for 10 pages. But this one straight up feels like it was cut off the end of a feature with little to no changes whatsoever. I hope that wasn't the case.

Too many characters introduced in too short amount of time. Very little content given for who they are in the story. Right off the bat, you can tell a lot has happened before the plot officially starts on page one. That's okay if you fill in the blanks in such a way where the reader doesn't get lost. Not the case here. I had no sense of what was going on plotwise until page 5, over halfway through the script. No good.

Didn't care for the dialogue either. Lots of name-calling and profanity. Nothing against either in general but if they're not used properly, they just come off as try-hard and juvenile. I mean, you have a middle-aged guy using the word "skank" in most liberal fashion only to use the word "creature" later on. I don't buy it. It's inconsistent. Also, excessive profanity kills otherwise resonant lines like "Just my pride."

And really... "Too hot to handle." Face palm. It's lame in its own right but especially bad here since the script is otherwise completely devoid of zingers, one-liners, or anything like that.

Not to say there wasn't anything in your script I liked. On the contrary, definitely some cool and intriguing images going on here. I liked the wooden gun and the way the witches died overall, I liked the dungeon scene with the cauldron and the severed limbs, I liked the map and the corresponding text, and the last image through the crystal ball was a nice touch and cool way to sign off.

Some interesting images and ideas here for sure. The present execution needs a lot of work though.

Okay, was debating even reading through the watermark as it was very distracting. I did get through it though and found the action and dialog had some good potential. I found it a quick read with an interesting plot. It left me wanting to know more about the characters though. Perhaps this could be fleshed out into a feature?

Watch for grammar and spelling errors. There are quite a few errors, such as a comma after "but" instead of before it. Also, I see Sheriff Lyon and Lyons, which one is it? Cut out all the character POVs.

Writer,

I thought this was actually pretty decent. I say that because I was able to visualize almost everything, from the gunfight, to the witches wails as they got shot, and the cellar of horrors, etc. so def a nice job with that. The story itself worked for me. A little anti climactic in the end, but hey, we only had a week.

Issues I had were the constant use of camera directions, POV and such. Became a little annoying after a while. No need for them really. I don't think it added anything to the story. And like  I said, I though your visuals were just fine.

Steve

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


New Salem

Hello!

Seems to be another fun-ride concept.
The killing of two witches by gunshot was too easy IMO. I thought that the sheriff got a tinnitus, but he can hear at the end again. It felt a western, vampire-hunting mood. The end fits too your concept. A cool finish. All in all, not enough for me. It didn't blow me off like you did with the two witches.

No country for those old men.

Not as deep as it has to. But solid.

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsBznn8D13zOdGJValQtbHU1LUNPVWQzY0gzajRTTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

5. New Salem by Wolfgang Calvin - Horror - In the secluded town of New Salem, Alaska, a disgraced sheriff seeks to rescue his former deputies from a coven of witches operating a whore house.
Brief -

Location(s)  -
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
Antagonist(s)  -
Genre & Marketability -
Comments  -  LMAO @ the FD8Demo watermark. Learn the correct way to build a slug line. Oh, you have GOT TO QUIT with the "CUT TO:s" and such. Learn to use a possessive apostrophe, commas, and general grammar. Alright, I'm outta here before the end of page one. Ciao.
Script format - Abominable. Download Celtx 2.9.1, free, and quit dickin around with whatever you're using.
http://download.cnet.com/Celtx/3000-13631_4-10850080.html
Final word - Save this, keep learning for another year, then go back and read this again.

     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/      Screenplay Pages
= $      Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks -
Horror -

A nice short energetic piece with inventive magic. I really like you handled the gun use. Modern witches would definitely have to come up with a way to deal with this. I liked the idea of the wooden gun and the flames. It's the visual, but also a nod to nature and its relationship with witchcraft.  Another cool visual: dots on a map of other covens. A cliche I like.

This entry also had a fair amount of historical referencs. Like Diana, also the name of a Roman (?) Goddess associated with witchcraftery I believe. Nice use of chanting. I like that it's in Greek. Adds flavour. There are also some good homages to myth. I'm thinking fairytales with the crystal ball and the green skin like OZ.

Light on the scares. More like intense supernatural action. Creative take on magic. Good homages.