ACT IV, SCENE 1 by Tres Wiches - Horror - When three real modern witches audition for the role of the Three Witches in a production of Macbeth, they must endure the DirectorÕs cruel criticism and rejection of countless performers - and ultimately themselves - until they are driven to unleash their gory revenge on the Director. ( R ) - pdf, format 8)

Great idea, but... Title is a clunker. Too many "pauses/beats" amidst the dialog. Dismissal of actors is overlong, insults juvenile. TOO MUCH SHAKESPEARE!!! This is mere filler. Methods of killing director unimaginative. Interesting idea but needs major editing and a concentration on the matter in hand. Would love to see a more thoughtful and edited rewrite.

A modern take, using old fashioned witches.

The idea was fine, but I felt the Director, as the main antagonist, was a little bit one-dimensional.

On the witches - it could have been one witch or three witches, so maybe giving them some character, making them discernible from each other might have given some dimension to them.

I got that the director was annoying per se, but I think maybe the impact of his meanness on the witches needs to be worked on some - I didn't get the feeling that his action made a real personal impact onto the witches, which would have given them more motivation and satisfaction when it came to the revenge.

Lots of merits to it though, just needs some of the angles working out.

For the most part, the writing is good here. A few little things here and there, but it reads well.

It's also well thought out and whoever this is, knows his or her shit about Shakepeare, and the dialogue is all very well done.

Problem is, for me, at least, until the very end, this isn't horror and the tone isn't horror. It gets quite graphic, but it's tongue in cheek tone and not scary or horrific.

I like the concept here but it's all pretty much a gag with a setup and a payoff.

Well done though, any way you look at it.

Nothing against you Manxman, but I couldn't disagree with you more - too much Shakespeare, filler, unimaginative killing...?! I don't know maybe you have to have a knowledge of Macbeth for this to really resonate. Then again, I don't think so.

From the start, this is a real hoot - great set-up, and a really imaginative take on the challenge. I love the opening imagery with the witches gliding down the hall - could see it all in my head.

The description of the DIRECTOR - says it all succinctly without a lot of 'fat' and with 'wit'. And the dialogue is spot on too. I love 'Macbeth' so this is right up
my alley. I suppose some may struggle and fail to get into the spirit if they don't know the play, but having said this is still a visual feast if filmed.

Some lovely comedic elements in this and you manage to keep the pace going throughout.

I don't think you needed 'pulsating geyser' - 'geyser of blood spews from his mouth' would have done me - can't you tell I"m nitpicking  ;D .

I could quote lines but I don't want to spoil the surprise for those yet to read this.

Plenty of gore, visually it's 'horror' and the touches of humour are a great blend. I expect there are those who might complain it's not strictly 'horror' because of the comedic elements, but who cares.

I was wondering how you were going to wrap this up and then you surprised me with a damn fine line to finish.

I would personally have elected to put the Title Card at the top & likewise some picky people will point to your FADE IN at the top not being there. Minor things. Also, the SFX and budget might well prevent this getting made but I'd love to see it filmed.

Thoroughly enjoyable.
In true Shakespearean style: Bravo Writer!

Tricky one, there’s an element of horror in the end, though on the whole it comes across as more comedy.  Did like the deadpan style reactions of the three witches.

The writing is assured and the dialogue solid (non Mr. S. quotes that is) -- got a good feel for this bitchy director type and you did well to set him up for the pay-off.  

Overall a fun and well crafted story -- just feeling the humour over horror is all.

"THE DIRECTOR (CONT'D)
Looks like fifty or sixty of you.
Know that only a cast of 18 will be
left standing.
"

As far as I'm aware we shouldn't use numerical figures in dialogue. Even if we can, it looks messy and shouldn't be done.

I read through to the end and was taking it in the way it seemed to be intended, tongue-in-cheek... however, then I got to the overly gruesome ending that didn't fit with the vibe of the rest of the story. Turning him into a frog, or something more ironically suited to the script would have been better.

A few 'begins' and extra sentences but written well for the most part. Story doesn't work for me because of the too gruesome (and unmatched) ending. Characters written well, nice flow. The story misses the mark, however.

7/10

Loved this! I loved the care that went into the dialogue. We need more OWCs like these! Original and playful. And original.

Is it horror? Well, we got witches, an evil ending...close enough. Horror humor is a genre of its own and works very well.

The dialogue feels smooth enough to be Bert's, but Bert didn't enter.

Playful and original. Did I mention original?

I can see Dustin's review above as I write: I do not agree with the 18 being an issue. Yeah, it's one of those rules things some people seem to love, but 18 is quicker to read then eighteen, and I'll all for speed and clarity.

I do, however, very much agree with his frog suggestion. That would be very much in keeping with the vibe established here.

This was pretty good. Easy to read and quite enjoyable.
The main conceit was pretty fresh and fun.

Considering the amount of characters, the writer got through with the dialogue quite well. I had a good idea of who was what and where. There's room for polish, but there always is. I'd say this is my favourite so far.

Act 1V

Logline - a bit over the top but there is something about mixing real witches with play ones

Didn't really make any notes.

The director was both well drawn yet also cliched, but in some ways that's what you wanted and needed.

The tone is the challenge in this one. Can the slapstick, over the top drama Queen director with his witty put downs then be matched with poking his own eye out. I feel they are too different, as written.

I like the end comment from Macbeth

So, for me, the revenge play need to be softened - I appreciate we needed to do horror - to match the rest but I like the idea. More of a sketch than a story of course, but still fun and different.

Grade c+/b-

Wow...I think this is my fav so far. Kudos to the Shakespeare stuff! Not much I can say about this one...

Great job.

Les Grossman would be proud.

The Director, to me is in the same ballpark as that famous character from Tropic Thunder. I smiled all the way through the read. The horror part of it didn't match with the playful tone, it almost felt like a tackled on "requirement" because the OWC have to be horror. With a tweak or twerk it could go coffin humor as the last line ( "They are good") suggests. That's my one and only gripe, aside from a few transitions and one passive narrative.

But an enjoyable read in any case. And while I'm thinkin' bout it....go grab yourself sopme pals, teamwork...and a camera. I can see this filmed. Nice little hoot.

Not really horror, but it has a good chance on being on a short list.

Great job!

I love me some Macbeth, I even wrote a feature earlier in the year based on it. Let's hope this is good.

And straight up, a five line passage doesn't induce a lot of hope into the a reader.

Finished. A few formatting errors that need a fix. The writer displays a massive amount of talent but it's largely wasted on a predictable script where the tension barely keeps it afloat. The dialogue is good, the writing is good, the story is too simple and one tone and there's not much depth. There's a lot of potential in the writing though and with a better idea, can it be fully realized but not with this script unfortunately. Good effort though.

Grade: C/C+

The logline's a bit wordy but I think this is a great idea - modern witches take on an old classic.

Yeah, that was entertaining and a nice take on the challenge - can't help but think that this author may have had a run in with James Cameron! ;D

The witches could probably do with more motivation to accept the fate of the rude director - instead of throwing out insults to other cast members, he should concentrate on the three witches more but I'm nitpicking really... I enjoyed the story and found it amusing while also different - I don't think there will be many like this so it should stand out from the pack.

The writing was good for a week’s work, probably could be tightened up in spots (the opening page) and the dialogue was top notch - looks like you had Google working overtime with the Shakespearean dialogue. ;)

Good work and congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

No comments read before.
Non-native spaker – take it or leave it.

Act IV, Scene 1

Hello.

Complicated.
Interesting here is that 2 parties are there; Director and Witches; but nobody seems to be the protagonist. The witches are passive at first scene IMO and I don't accept the director as protagonist, because it's too late at that moment. There are a couple of scenes before. He steps into a going film. So, I identify him supporting character.

Results: A film without protagonist.

So everything what you develop well (the theater-world stuff) around, is just there. – I don't care what happens with the characters inside.

The Macbeth thing and all that is cool, please let me identify with somebody.
The director is partly funny. But you did let him done gags with similar style a way too much.

The tongue picture was great.

Looks like I'm probably going against the grain (again) as this one didn't really do anything for me. Have to say that by page 4 I was kind of over the 'LATER's and the story, for me, was too plain and simple. I didn't really get 'into' it.

I can see that a lot of effort has gone into this though and that you do possess many writing skills, I commend you for that. Good effort.

Renee

Some amusing lines of dialogue.... nice bloody scene toward the end... however, I felt it was too confined to one location.  I also grew tired pretty quickly with all of the auditioning stuff.  Felt like I had to slug through it.

Writer,

I kinda liked this. But right off the bat this isn't really horror. The set up has us waiting forever to get to the end, though the end was good. All in all, not bad but not within the challenge criteria of a horror script. But a nice effort nevertheless!

Congrats on finishing!

Steve

Highly entertaining and an imaginative take on the witch challenge. Very thin on story, and without any backstory or subtext to speak of, this is so self-contained I can't imagine what the rest of the world is like. It comes off as a bit meta, like the writer is exorcising a personal demon for a bad audition experience. I didn't buy the witches doing him in like that with so little provocation and there's nothing sympathetic about them, so it's just about a terrible man getting what's coming to him.

A decent short that could have been a couple of pages shorter or given us some depth.

Wow, this script was nothing short of magic!  I loved it.  Great dialogue, writing, story.  The title fooled me, so I was pleasantly surprised.

The Director really steals the show here, from beginning to end.  Part of me wished the director was more venomous, but it's a solid alignment of ideas.

Good job!

Johnny

This was a very clever idea and ripe for comedy what with the three witches playing it straight against the Director's antics. Some of the jokes fell flat for me but others were pretty sharp. The balance between the two was good enough where I more or less enjoyed myself throughout.

I'd double-check some of the Director's word choices though. You describe him as a "snobbish older British dandy" so I read him with Jeremy Irons' voice. Not that Jeremy Irons is snobbish or dandy but I think the man behind Dead Ringers could play it rather well. That said, some of the dialogue didn't sound right coming out of this particular guy. Some of it not very British, some of it not very snobbish and or dandy. Can't put my finger on it. Maybe Jeremy Irons was just a bad choice to go with on voice.

The ending didn't quite fit. I mean, obviously, these witches were going to put him in his place. I liked the audience dimension as well. But it was extremely grim and sort of went against the rest of the script's tone somehow. It also came off as sort of mean-spirited. Guy was pretty shitty but somehow, I don't think he deserved this.

As far as OWC guidelines... yeah. Not horror... again. A pack of jokers, you SimplyScripts folks, huh?

Anyway, kudos on the idea. Execution wasn't bad. A total bust as an OWC entry. Not so much as its own thing.

Though I enjoyed a couple of funny lines, I thought the director talked way more than necessary. We get that he was basically a dick to everyone. Pare it down to a few of the funnier lines and it should be fine, otherwise I am just losing interest.

I liked "Wrong audition, my friend, the Addams Family casting is down the hall."

I didn't like "then I want to get on a broom stick myself and fly out of here."

Watch spelling and grammar. Lightening should be lightning. They levitate T(t)he Director off the floor.

I thought the lines of the witches were well done. Good effort.

Love the concept and the execution on this one!  

Decent writing too - although a bit heavy on the description in places it wasn't totally necessary.  

My only qualm...the ending just didn't really pay off, because of the unbelievability factor (even given the assumptions of reality for this OWC.)  They tear the Director to shreds and everything's hunky dory? But fine tune the ending, and this is a cute, neat sketch.  (IMHO) Kudos.

:)

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsBznn8D13zOdGJValQtbHU1LUNPVWQzY0gzajRTTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

13. ACT IV, SCENE 1 by Tres Wiches - Horror - When three real modern witches audition for the role of the Three Witches in a production of Macbeth, they must endure the Director's cruel criticism and rejection of countless performers - and ultimately themselves - until they are driven to unleash their gory revenge on the Director.

Brief - can't afford "A small mob of actors and actresses" + a "flood of people" + five principals.

Location(s)  -
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
Antagonist(s)  -
Genre & Marketability -
Comments  -  can't afford
Script format -
Final word -

     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/      Screenplay Pages
= $      Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks -
Horror -

Hadn't gotten to this one yet, probably because of the uninspired title, but when I saw it was attracting a lot of votes, thought I'd give it a go.  Quick, snappy, snipey dialogue from the director, but he does veer toward caricature.  But man, you made me hate that prick.  Good job on that.  The whole paring down of the cast process goes on a bit long.

The concept and tone of this sort of reminds me of Shadow of the Vampire, where the director slowly realizes that the star of his Nosferatu production is an actual vampire.  There were no real surprises here.  As soon as the three witches were introduced, we knew they were real, and of course this director was going to get his comeuppance.  A struggling actor's revenge fantasy.  I suppose the only thing that kind of took me aback was the sheer level of violence inflicted on the little d-bag.  I'm not complaining, as it was some hard core retribution, but it almost felt out of place given the snarky tone throughout.  A very solid effort for one week.