What Comes Around by Twelve - Horror - A young woman fights back against the witch she's indebted to. (PG) - pdf, format 8)

What comes around

Spoilers

Logline - like that, quite tidy, decent conflict

Six pages - yeah, right on, that helps :-)

I keep seeing the wrong image when I read Thong !!

Finished

What was in the box! What was Celia wanting to do! Where did all those hands come from at the end? Did she eat the bacon! Questions, questions.

I liked the power imbalance, the anger, the conflict, the desire to get something back. But, there was too much for me that we didn't know. I couldn't really connect with the girl, I didn't know her, really.

Why was she covered in blood? Was she good or bad or somewhere in between, I didn't  feel I had enough to decide.

Needs a few tweaks for me, but the basis is there.

My grade c-/d+

Hmmm...not sure what to say here...

The writing is pretty decent.  The dialogue is pretty good.  ANd it even packs a punch, but it doesn't mean anything, doesn't go anywhere,a dn leaves us asking all these questions that we'll never have answers to.

Maybe this was written late and the writer ran out of time?  Otherwise, why so short with so much left unexplained?

Interesting, and even likable, but in the end a dissappointment.

Good work, though.

I think the writing was good here...few typos here and there. I liked the story...liked Lucy...liked that she helped her mother in the end...and it made up for whatever was in the box! I would've liked to see her struggle between the good/evil that she did in order to help her mother.

Good job for a week.

Not too shabby.  What stood out to me was the descriptions, I enjoyed them.  Good writing to go along with it, a couple of errors, but nothing that can't be easily corrected.

Did Lucy's mom have cancer?  I'd imagine the many hands at the end could look scary on film.  A little unexpected scare.  I thought the children playing like nothing is unusual was a nice touch.

Good one,

Johnny

Short and to the point, though too undeveloped to get a decent feel for either story or characters.  Some nice ideas -- the hands pulling people away and Celia and the kids desperately trying to get into the car stood out.  

For this to work I think we needed an understanding of what it was Lucy was doing for Celia, the power one had over the other and a clearer idea of the stakes involved.  Though nicely written with it's moments, it's one of those that leaves more questions than answers.

"could easily be mistaken for a
vapid trophy wife if not for the wicked glint in her eye?" A glint in her eye would show nothing, I could see what you were going for but it doesn't work.

Thong? Like... A thong thong or am I being immature?  ;D Just kidding, on with the script.

"Lucy punches Celia in the stomach" I'd just change it to face since stomach seems a little comical. Or maybe it's just me who can't imagine that.

Finished. The writing was fine but this really needed an extra page of exposition to find out what the hell happened. I didn't understand the setup and I didn't really understand the hands grabbing people. This was a good effort and a well rounded story but it needs more detail.

Grade: C/C+

Nothing wrong with the writing.

I assume the story was rushed. Not so much the writing, but the fact that the writer just didn't have time to formulate the ideas.

The first issue was I didn't understand if Lucy was helping Celia because she wanted something out of it(thus the deal) or because she was being forced. It's likely the former, but I don't think it was ever mentioned what she hoped to gain. That's kind of critical to the story.

And the ending just felt like the writer was out of time and had to throw something in there.

I have to say, in the past, and even this particular event, I've begun OWC's and then not submitted them because I couldn't think of a satisfying ending. Sometimes I even feel like I got off to a really good start, and I hate to abandon the project...but I do.

No comments read before.
Non-native spaker – take it or leave it.

What Comes around

Hello.

Your script reminds me to These tv Shows with good looking People hunting with Special witchpowers other ghosts...
Charmed etc. That's not my stuff. Defenitely.

You didn' wrote Horror. It was more Comedy or sth. like charmed etc,
No Problem. It seems to me you even haven't tried. So Horror mabe is not your stuff.

I was irritaded by all the doors.

Big Pro- Your script could be the one where's the most physical moving. Very fast. Moving is existentiel part in film.

Don't take it personal.  I don't like the Comedy witch concepts.
Many, many People does.

Pg. 4 I’m a little unclear about where the numerous hands are coming from. I know it’s related to the jar, but it’s not quite meshing in my head for some reason.

I think introducing the mother in the beginning would’ve worked better. Give us more of a reason to root for Lucy up front. Just a quick peck on the cheek and, “I’ll be right back, mom”, could’ve worked.

I get the sense that this may have been a last minute entry. The writing was good and the story was interesting. But it felt like there was more story to tell, and at 6 pages you definitely had room to tell it. The good news is I wanted to know more about the ‘things’ Lucy had done, why Celia was using her, and most importantly, what the heck was up with all those hands!

So good work for one week. I’d be interested in reading a more fleshed out version. Congrats!

Ah, something short(er). How refreshing.

So this one had my attention for a little while. You kick the story off nicely with Lucy and her box all covered in blood. I liked the mystery and the dialogue and the fact that you gave the reader something to go on but didn't dilly dally and kept the story going.

I'd hoped it'd all pay off in the end and while I liked the twist with the mother, it wasn't enough. I was left with many unanswered questions. The last scare with the hands is a cheap way to end things with so little to go on.

Seeing as this is six pages, it's especially perplexing. Indeed, I, like Jeff, am left wondering if the lack of closure wasn't a timing issue. You have four more pages to wrap things up in a more complete and thus satisfying fashion. If somehow the backstory is too vast or complicated to do so, it might not have been a very good one to begin with (for an OWC anyway).

The writing is relatively strong. Flows nicely anyway. Some of the descriptions are a tad longwinded but that's about it. I wouldn't particularly mind if you left them as is. Others might though.

The phrase "bloody and haunted" stood out to me though. Bloody, I get. Bloody and haunted, not so much. What does this look like?

That's about it. Nice setup but incomplete, I think, and thus disappointing.

Can't disagree entirely with the posters above, although I'm happy to go with stuff-unexplained as this gives the reader something to read for.

Have to agree that intro'ing the mother at the beginning could work.

Also, not knowing what's in the box or not knowing what's in the glass container is okay, but maybe not both? The 'what's in the box' question could have had a simple and witch-like answer.

The writing overall was good - very clean and quick, but as noted above, there were odd bits of over-writing popping up now and again. The story - I think you tried to keep it simple, and that was mostly worked, but maybe some clarity here and there (expansion) would have helped. Good job overall, with lots of positives to it.

The writer can write, but maybe should have written more to answer some obvious questions.

What did Lucy do or not do that displeased Celia?  What's in the bloody box?  What's with the hands? What's the significance of the box on the pedestal that Lucy smashed?

I want Mama to live, but why must Lucy die?

Four more pages might have taken this to a much higher level...but thanks for the ride.


To any and all:
If you're interested and just for fun, here's a link to 9 Horror Films, each under 9 minutes.

http://theweek.com/article/index/250755/9-horror-films-under-9-minutes?utm_source=Tuesday+10%2F22%2F13&utm_campaign=Gordy%27s+AMA&utm_medium=email

Another nicely written piece with good natural sounding dialogue. I was really into the story and then it suddenly ended and all I had was questions, questions and more questions.

I did like the reveal of Lucy's mother which at least gives us the motivation behind the character but other than that, nothing is really clear. What was in the box that Lucy originally handed Celia? What was in the jar? Why keep a jar that is so dangerous to their lives - at least label it or something.

Only coming in at 6 pages, there was a little room to further develop this to maybe answer some of those questions or maybe I'm just too curious for my own good and should accept this story the way it is.

I liked it but wouldn't have minded just a little more clarity to help me follow parts of the story.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

good script, nice writing.

I'd like to know where the multitude of hands came from, what they were doing and why? I agree with Steve on maybe labelling the bottle to give the reader some clarity.

This reads very easy and doesn't dilly dally around - it gets straight to the point.

I'm guessing (after watching various horror shows/movies) that the box contained someone's heart? Doesn't matter either way, just an assumption.

I don't have much more to say about this that hasn't already been said. It was refreshingly quick, without being terrible and I liked the story.

Good job :)

Renee

One of the better written OWC scripts this time around. Not many wasted words, gets right to the point. I did wonder, at first about some loose ends, if you will, but dismissed them. Why? In horror, the writer does not need to explain everything. Mystery and ambiguity ican work in the author's favor. That's pretty much what I got out of this.

Not much else to say. Good job.

While the writing is pretty solid, the logic killed this one for me. If that jar was so precious, why isn't Celia more concerned about it, especially when Lucy's cornered in the room with it? What did she expect would happen under those circumstances? And why bother with including the children if they have zero bearing on the story? And the ending is supposed to be tragic but comes off as a last cheap thrill, no substance to it.

There's also the ambiguity about whether or not Celia is even a witch. It's kind of assumed because of the parameters of the challenge but nothing about her informs that she's a witch.

It is a story, despite having too many questions left unanswered, and there's a real sense of visual storytelling. This could have been better than it is. It's not bad, just could have been better.

One of the better scripts of the bunch, in my humble.
Coupla typos but the writing was very good.
I was thoroughly enjoying it until near the end. I expected a bit more or something else. Nothing wrong with as is, just the rest of it was better.

R

Hey Writer,

Not a bad little story here.  However, I really think you had chances to ratchet up the tension here, especially during the chase in Celia's house.  As it stands, it's okay, but I think it could've been better -- and scarier.  There's not too much to be frightened of here.  I wasn't thrilled with the ending either.  I had grown to like Lucy, especially the way she helped her mom, but then she meets her demise anyway.  Oh well.

But a good effort.  Flows pretty well, and good descriptions throughout.  Congrats on getting this finished!  Good luck!

Steve

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsBznn8D13zOdGJValQtbHU1LUNPVWQzY0gzajRTTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

20. What Comes Around by Twelve - Horror - A young woman fights back against the witch she's indebted to.
Brief - A teen witch repossesses an amulet from a foul woman witch to aid her ill mother

Location(s)  - House exterior & interior, coven room, shack house exterior & interior
Cast - 5
Protagonist(s)  -  
LUCY, late teens, currently treading that thin line between innocence and experience
MOTHER, 40's, brightly colored turban wrapped around her bald head, pale, drawn face
Antagonist(s)  -
CELIA, early 30's, could easily be mistaken for a vapid trophy wife
DAUGHTERS 2X
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural Horror. This was more of a vignette than a story. But at least it's horror. Portrays modern witches and witchcraft if poor light.
Comments  -  That's some pricey SFX on pg4. Reluctantly, I'm not real clear on what the relationship is between Lucy and Celia.
Script format - fair.
Final word - Nice, but missable.

$1,000 - 2,000      Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 6.8               Screenplay Pages
= $147 - 294           Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Kinda sorta
Horror - Yep