The Grieving Spell by Bill Sarre (Reef Dreamer) - Horror - A grieving man uses a special magic to relieve the pain he feels following the death of his wife. ( R )  - pdf, format 8)

This was an offbeat but nice story. Has a real mournfulness to it that the writing reciprocates.

A little too talky in the scenes between Lawrence and Astrid but no real prob.

Yeah, I kind of dug this one, so good effort!

I like this for what it is.

It's well thought out, but for me, the execution is off. You jump around, back and forth in time, sometimes using Flashbacks, sometiems, not, which to me, is a mistake.  There's also some awkward writing and some confusing writing.

It' also a little slow for me, but again, you accomplished what you set out to do, and that's what counts.

Good job here!

I thought this was pretty good!

But then again I'm really bad at criticizing people and am easily impressed.

The foreshadowing was excellent first of all. You set up some expectations very well. For example, this is exactly what I liked about it.

My expectations that Lawrence might worry that Helen was cheating-they were met. My expectations that the picture of Helen, Lawrence took while spying on her with another man-they were met.

Everything else-I was surprised! Even though in retrospect, you did leave some clues to hint that it was going there.

But while reading, I was like "where's the horror?!" and in the end I got it.

This was good. It seems a bit Stephen Kingy to me.

I liked the storytelling, but the constant whipping back and forth through time sort of killed the momentum.  The Carrie-like ending somehow felt out of place with a story that was so somber up until that point.  Well done but could have been great with different execution.

I liked this. The Flashbacks were slowing a bit, but it didn't stop me from reading. There was almost too much backstory in dialogue for me...maybe you could trim it down a bit.

Overall good job.

I lot of very good stuff here. I thought the weaving of flashes between the beach, Astrid's office, and Lawrence's memories was effective.

Some things to consider:

- I don't remember getting  a sense earlier in the story that Lawrence didn't remember the crash. Maybe that could be added.

- with some sharpening, especially of Helen's dialogue, I think the audience will care a little more about this couple and their fate.

- Lawrence's reaction after being shown what really happened in the crash doesn't feel right. It should be more emotional, more anguished, instead of this defensiveness.

"Look, I’m sorry. But it wasn’t all
my fault. You shouldn't have
flirted with that fucker. You knew
I would find out. And, and, what
about me, what I went through?"


I'd rather have Lawrence say: "I just wanted us to always be together."

And then the fire consumes him, and they are together.

I'm not a  fan of hands coming out of the sand. Unless I have an itch. No, that's too  much of a graphic for me. Why not just have a hole in the sand open, which starts to consume him, and then the fire rolls into the hole?

All in all, a very solid OWC effort. Nice work.

Well, taking account of the restrictions etc, I think this one is the best so far - mind you, I've barely read 25%.

Opening image is very visual, and there's nice use of the significant photo.

Spoilers****

I liked the slow exposition of Lawrence's situation, and the nice semi-twist of him grieving over what looked like a less than perfect marriage, moving on to his fatal jealousy.

The back-story was dealt with swiftly - his breakdown, and his wife's occupation was bound to lead him to being suspicious, so that was all very nicely put together.

I thought that Astrid came across as intelligently drawn, and having capable additional characters often adds well to a script.

The crash had a little to many echoes of 'Vanilla Sky' to it, but that's forgiveable. Comma use here and there was dodgy.

A well worked twist at the end, that used a number of references gave a satisfying pay-off to a well paced, well thought out piece of work.

Well up there - congrats.

"Yet, instead of being in the centre of the circle, the fire
rests across one side of the path - the fire’s off centre." That makes no sense at all to me.

"Helen died in a car crash, the
brakes failed. I survived." This is the reason everybody hates voiceovers.

Dialogue is pretty poor so far. Needs some work.

"A simple house, not much money." Would make a few peeps laugh. Do you mean not very expensive?

Very hard script to judge. The dialogue needs a lot of work, I might know who wrote this. I liked the script though, it has a nice tone and feeling to it and I can tell there was effort put into it. Feels like it was something I'd write. Although I can understand you went with this ending, I can't help but think there could've been a better alternative where Lawrence does indeed live but the emotions are amplified rather than dampened. And Helen doesn't decide to kill him but still confronts him about the incident. This was fine work, a little too many flashbacks though.

Grade: B-

A quick ten pages,  well paced and confidently written.  Looks like the writer put the time into thinking this through with some intelligent (if perhaps a tad convenient...) dialogue.  Astrid’s explanation of the grieving process and Lawrence’s refusal to heed her warnings were nicely handled.  

Flashbacks worked for me, sometimes a gamble, but here they were put to good effect and given the constraints of the challenge I'd think this would suffer without them.  I like how they allowed Lawrence to be set-up as the grief stricken husband only to be revealed as the one responsible for his wife’s death.

Felt like Astrid could have been a touch more reluctant to offer up the grieving spell, but again given the constraints it’s understandable to keep the story moving.

All round great entry to the challenge -- in the shortlist for me.

A very emotional story here and one that I enjoyed overall. It’s the first one I’ve read (which hasn’t been many I grant you) where the characters actually had some substance and the author definitely knows how to weave a good tale so well done.

To be honest, I’m pretty confident I know the author.

The constant switching of scenes did slow the pace somewhat and I found it a little unsettling at first, having to re-read some parts to fully understand. In saying that, as the story moved on, it kinda grew on me and I didn’t even mind the voice over’s in this one.

Was the ending keeping in tone with the rest of the story? Probably not, but I think everyone will understand why you went this route considering the challenge.

All in all, a very good entry and well written which was the cherry on top.

Good work and congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

I'm thinking you don't need to convey to us info about Helen (p2) in a V.O. We could learn that he survived her in a car crash when he talks to Astrid. This way it'll be less expositional, I think.

This was a very captivating read. Well written and great work all around.

I'm thinking you could clarify a little the story of Helen with Tom - what exactly happened there. But that's very little.
It's very well written - I mean the dialog, the pacing. The prose too.

Super - congrats on it.

The Grieving Spell

Logline -  ok, gives us an idea, doesn't sound like a comedy at least

Another No Fade In - well at least it's not not the right, the worst sin ever, just kidding
Do you need to under line circular path?
Just about get the description of the fire on the edge of the circle, is it needed?
Does the sign need an INSERT?
So the 'with wife' scenes are flashbacks, but the others are not. You may need to work on that for clarity.
If the photo was of Helen shouldn't you make that clearer at the beginning, make the photo more memorable?
I don't mind the Astrid dialogue but you could paint the scene a bit more.
Quite a. Lot of flashback, forward etc - one to simplfy
Do we need to know the chant? Don't know but it seems worthy of knowing.
You overlap the beach scenes with a fire cracking why not a sound the others for consistency?
Astrid does a lot of warning signs etc maybe more magic?
I just wonder whether we should have more expectation of what the spell will deliver?
No one laughs when I play the broom !
Was he expecting to see her in the fire?

Finished

Ok, a hard hitting, drama like horror. Just about horror with that scene otherwise I was wondering.

A spell to remove grief, which actually comes from a man with dark past and who doesn't deserve forgiveness or relief. I think you have a range of options at the end, has he learnt and that's the problem, or is he still a nasty piece of work as suggested. We need a bit more on this.

But what this needs is MORE pages. Interwoven drama needs time and build up, this probably suffers for the ten pages.

But this leaves an impression.

I was a bit confused about the beach at the start, about the path. That could do with a little tidying up.
Not a bad little story. Some of it felt a bit too repetitive. A few different scenes to create more tension might have helped.
The dialogue could do with some trimming in parts too.
I've just read all that back and it comes across somewhat meaner than I meant. This is pretty good.

Hey writer,

Pretty good story here. I kinda like the revenge from beyond the grave tale. And I also like the sinking in sand thing. Always kinda feels helpless when someone is sinking, alone, and nothing can be done. Good job. I was concerned, however, by your use of flashbacks and such. I don't think they are properly formatted, because you flashback to Helen and Lawrence, then the beach, then back to Astrids office. But there needs to be an end flashback in there to help is follow better.

Ok so there's that. Otherwise, your use of flashbacks and VO were well intentioned. And effective. It really helped drive the story along. Not bad at all!

Congrats on entering. Good luck.

Steve

I was a bit concerned with 'Yet' and some of the comma usage. Makes a person pause. I'm...oh man...this is a tough call. I think there's too much talk here, and despite being good, it...goes....slow....I'm ...man...I hate to say it, but I didn't get past p5. Maybe I'll come back later.

Perhaps it was the cadence. Maybe it's just me. But I felt this was dragging. But I'll get back to it. Maybe...

One of my favorites, for sure. I dig a slow burn. I've read a number of scripts thus far where I really enjoyed the buildup but the payoff was weak. Initially, I was afraid that might be the case here because indeed it's a lot of talk and not a lot of horror leading up to the end but I had a feeling you were going to see this one through given the repetition of Astrid's warnings and Lawrence's refusal to heed them. Indeed, you did. The images of Helen's ghost and the tumbling fire were simple ones but that sort of made them more disturbing. I appreciate horror that sees the value in what's quiet and strange and not blatantly sinister.

Very few gripes with this one but I do have some. First off, I would omit the opening V.O. in its entirety. Leave everything else. I think the opening image has some great mystery and poetry as is, which is sort of spoiled by Lawrence spelling out his feelings and really explaining things that are revealed later anyway with just as sufficient clarity. So scrap it.

I'd also scrap the reference to the five stages of grief on page 7. That model is actually sort of controversial and not even all that cut and dry. But that's beside the point. I really enjoyed Astrid's dialogue about emotions and their necessity, even when extremely painful, and really the overall theme of emotional baggage. I thought this one line sort of trivialized all that.

I'd also lose the crash. I don't mean the scene leading up to it; I mean, the actual image of the car barrel rolling, crashing, and burning. Cut to the fire before it happens. It'd make for a great transition if filmed. But really, I think you should cut it for the sake of upping your chances of having this produced. The car crash just kills it.

Some of the dialogue is a little on the nose. The context requires Lawrence to explain himself in a very direct way, which I accept, but I'd scale back some. A lot of exposition in this one that could be overwhelming for some readers. Some of it can be inferred, I think.

Other than that, solid effort. Really enjoyed it.

I was following this quite easily until:

LAWRENCE (V.O.)
Helen died in a car crash, the
brakes failed. I survived. -- Hated this voiceover.

I see where it fits into the next scene where he is telling Astrid, but at first it was a jarring, in a sense.

Page 5: Astrid tells Lawrence that she will give him the words and we move on to the fire again where Lawrence chants - IMO, this would have worked better with Lawrence saying the words he is chanting instead of Astrids V.O.

Other than that, this was a clean and easy read. I quite enjoyed it, though I could see where it was headed at about halfway through. I also liked how the opening scene tied in with the end and how then Astrids words repeated made more sense.

Well done, good job. :)

Renee

Some good visuals with Lawrence being pulled into the ground. Not convinced Tommy should be gay - then Lawrence is not just acting out of jealousy, but as a pure madman. Jealousy is a more convincing motive IMO. A few typos, but overall, well-written.

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


The grieving spell

Hello!

When a writer needs 100% of the given space, then I get a skeptical view from the start, or, otherwise, if I read through, and recognize it when it comes down to it, that fact will 95% reflect the work.

A strong story is to the point. There is no information missing because of space. If that's the case, you didn't choose the right story or the right decisions in any way referring to screenwriting; it's about: HOW? How do I get it in package, completely? How do it without things missing, that I wanted to tell so much? How to tell the story with using everything I like to tell inside?

It was interesting. I don't judge about the backflashs and OS, VO etc. It had these 3 strings, I could identify them. So the structure was OK.

My subjective view: Because of the thing I mentioned above your end falls down like a little stone in the ocean. It makes no waves. The end is the most important part. Half-solide for me...

No other signs of life. - repetitive. You just told us it was deserted.

woman’s face laughing - I don't know. This sounds awkward. "laughing face" maybe?

parks up - are you saying he perks up? Or is he parking the car?

A simple house, not much money. This is an odd description for a house.

Lawrence paces around, agitated-- Agitated, Lawrence paces (no need to say around because we know what pacing means)

Pg. 3 - you ended the flashback but then we're on the beach. I'm confused.  
Pg. 4 - you did it again. Guess you didn't want to have flashbacks, back to back but if you don't want people to stop reading then you should label it correctly. Both times I stopped and it hurt the flow of your story. -- Now I get it. The beach is actually a Flash Forward.  At first I wasn't sure if he was going back to that beach again.

Okay. Storywise, it was interesting. For something that detailed in only 10 pages I guess it could only be told in VO and flashbacks. I just think squashing all of that into 10 pages really took away from the emotional impact I'm sure you were hoping people would have.  I didn't really care for Lawrence although I'm sure if you had more pages to work with and let this breath a bit, I might have. It just felt like his emotions were forced on me and I didn't have time to care. This has potential with maybe 5 to 10 more pages so people can really connect to Lawrence.

Good job completing something for this challenge.

Oh CRAP!!!  I already voted.  But I consider this one neck and neck with my other favorite.  In other words, this is in my top three.

There was a *touch* too much introspection in this script, a little bit of repetitive fat that could be trimmed.  But this plays like a classic Twilight Zone - hits all the right notes.  

Kudos.  I'm VERY glad to have read this one.  :)

Cheers,  --J (W)

I see this one's a frontrunner as of now.

I'm just gonna echo what wonkavite said.

Not my fav, but definitely in the top 3.  Smartly written.  Good job.

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsBznn8D13zOdGJValQtbHU1LUNPVWQzY0gzajRTTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

24. The Grieving Spell by Seventeen - Horror - A grieving man uses a special magic to relieve the pain he feels following the death of his wife.
Brief - A husband seeks the easement of pain of wife's death through witchcraft

Location(s)  - Beach, forest road, car interior while driving in the rain (sigh), mountain lodge office, kitchen
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
LAWRENCE, 40, pale, emotionless
ASTRID, 65, weathered face, wild grey hair
HELEN, 40, tired but attractive
TOMMY, 45, dressed in black leathers, like a rock star
Genre & Marketability -
Comments  - FYI, exterior night shots are a PITA to shoot. "Out of the window he spies a sign: NEW DAWN CENTRE" You know, those signs cost money to make. "On the side is a larger sign: Astrid Dove - High Priestess - New Dawn Centre" What do you think about me, as the producer, deducting the cost of these signs from your pay, as the screenwriter? Alright, we have four locations by the end of pg2 - it's expensive coordinating and moving cast & crew to each location. Quit that. Alright, by pg5 I can tell from the growing number of characters and locations combined with tepid story that I wouldn't be interested in producing this. Ciao.
Script format - fair.
Final word - Excessive locations and tepid story killed this midway through screenplay.

     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/      Screenplay Pages
= $      Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks -
Horror -

Thanks for the reads folks. All good stuff.

Alas for me I had to shave two pages off in less than two hours before posting the script, as I read the criteria incorrectly, and this knocked it hard - I lost too many readers and the intercutting was too much.

However, I like the concept and will probably try to flesh this out to see if it has legs for a bigger competition entry - time will tell.

But, if anybody has anything further to add, I'm happy to hear it.

Cheers

SHAMELESS BUMP

latest draft up.

I enjoyed this, it was well written and filled with nice imagery. I see it won the 2013 short script competition in the London film awards. Congratulations man!

Thanks Mark, i appreciate the read.

This was the version entered to the London Film awards which is a bit different to the OWC entry. I'll be entering it into a couple others to see what happens.

cheers