History Lesson by Twenty-Six - Horror - Three desperate men pick the wrong house to break into...10 pages pdf (PG) - pdf, format 8)

I read the entire script, and I'll start with some compliments.

The dialogue is pretty good...very good at times.

The 3 bumbling crooks are pretty well written also.  They all appear to be friends and their conversation contains lots of backstory that shows you took some time writing and conceiving this.

But, there's way too much dialogue out of the gate - almost 3 pages that really slows things down early on.

The story itself is pretty weak, and even though there is obvious thought behind everything, it doesn't play out well or come off as remotely realistic.

The writing is not good. There are numerous mistakes of every kind all over the place.  Poor sentence structure, poor grammar, poor punctuation, and many technical mistakes.

But things really go from bad to awful on Page 10.  The reveal isn't so bad, but the writing here is very poor, awkward, and downright confusing because you attempted to direct how the final scene would be shot and it's a total missfire.

Finally, this doesn't come across as horror at all - more like a comedic sketch, really.

All in all, it's a fail, but it does show some glimpses of  promise, especially in the dialogue department.

Good job completing an OWC entry.

Sorry, but this really doesn't work for me at all. The last half is better than the beginning, but there is just way to much exposition which isn't needed. Why not make the three guys removal people who've a habit of taking out places they've moved people into? This would have cut out all the chat about this cousin and that cousin.

I kept looking for the steel strongboxes, but I guess these are the shoes boxes? This mis-references your key prop, and stuffs that angle. And Rich's revelation about his ancestry is lumped heavily in at a convenient spot.

There is potential to the story, but I think it's been badly mis-handled. Sorry. Good on getting an entry in.

Ok, solid work, worth spending some time on a review here. This is what the OWC is about!

First of all, I did not write this, nor do I have any idea who did. I say that because as many here know, I actually live in Andover, where the story takes place.

I generally prefer to talk about story, but I want to mention that IMO the writing is pretty strong here. Not perfect, not pro, and of course you only had a week, but you put some time into it and things worked mostly well. There will be better written scripts in the OWC, but I wouldn't be surprised if the writing is top ten.

Now let's look at the story. First, the attempt to establish conflict with the would be thieves is the right idea, generally speaking. The trap idea kind of works, where the thieves have been lulled into the witch's trap by their own greed. And the frog ending is cute and mostly satisfying.

There are problems, of course. For one thing, the writer needs a...sorry...history lesson. Salem Town was where the original witch scare began, but it no longer exists. It is now called Danvers.

And the witches were not just taken from their houses and hung. The accused went through a long legal process. They were taken to Salem, indicted, imprisoned for months while the case was built, and then tried in a court. If they confessed, they were usually punished and set free, I believe.

None of that is a big deal for the story. A bigger problem, however, is that in a 10 page story, they spend 6 pages walking to the house they are going to rob. That would be fine if something happened along the way, but nothing does. So while it's admirable that you are building in conflict, there needs to be beats in the story...events that happen which shake up and turn the story line.

Finally, the revenge motive needs some work here. I'm ok with the revenge after 3 centuries thing, but I was left wondering why witches this powerful did not exact their revenge long ago.

Overall, this is a very good OWC effort, it really is. Not all of the story works for me, but the writing is solid, there are some story elements that work well, and the writer is heading in the right direction. Good job!

I haven't read too many of these entries yet, but of the few I have read I'm impressed.

First thing that strikes me about this one is the 'feel' of it i.e.,the nice opening visuals and capable writing.

I think with 'short's we're often a little impatient - everything has to be happening fast. It's nice to read something that's big on setting up the characters and establishing mood - having said that I do think it could be edited a little more because as it is we are up to page six before these good ol' boys even get into the house.

Perhaps create a little more suspense in those first six pages and ramp up the tension between the guys a bit. It's all there really... I'd just build on it.

I really like the carefully thought out details of this one. There are a lot of little visual touches like the dog howling and the changes in the skyline, the bullet flying through the air and the wind sound effect -  things that would be very effective on film. Good job on that. I think often we read something and fail to project the film in our heads from the story. Jmh. And of course the 'horror' label means different things to different people, so some may think this a little 'light' in that regard.

As far as dialogue - it read smooth enough for me - these guys are not exactly Rhodes Scholars, are they?!

And, then we have the denouement - great stuff - completely out of left field (for me, at least)   ;D.  Really enjoyable - you write kids very nicely too, just from that little snippet.

Not the best writing, but that will come with learning and practice. I like the concept of this one. You take a classic witch spell of turning people into frogs and make it all lead up to that, with the added bonus of what happens to those frogs. Neat idea.

There's way too much exposition, it's mostly just people talking and telling us things rather than showing us. The story doesn't really begin until page 6, and then we're "treated" to a history lesson, just as the title suggests, but not much else.

The characters are pretty generic and the thieves are too similar to each other. You need more characterization to give them distinct personalities and dialogue.

Congrats on completing the challenge. You hit the witch factor, but I think you missed the mark on horror here.

Keep writing!

I really dug this one.

Ok there's not much horror but it's the feel that can make things seen spookier without gore and violence and, ok, heaps of gratuitous sex!

It did seem to take a few pages of dialogue for the witchy stuff to start happening but there was a nice build up of impending scares. The writer clearly did a lot of research on this. I checked out the wiki on the Salem witch trials, and the surnames of the 3 crims in this script were dudes who were like judges in real life; that was a sorta cool attention to detail.

I read the other reviews, couldn't see any errors that Jeff alluded too?  And Simon, I think you have the strongboxes mixed up the shoebox somehow - I think the crims don't get a chance to look for them. They are similar words I suppose.

Anyway, a nice effort.

History...

Logline - quite like that

Discussion on frogs??
P2 beat - re reading this I don't see it's necessary
To be honest the talk between the me. Is dull and tedious and we haven't seen anything of the core issue, what's in the house etc - too slow
Oh no a Salem witch trail connection
Arh, the frogs

Finished

Yeah, not me. Too slow, too much exposition - explaining the  story - not enough time in the main place and little to know time to discover about carla. She has to tell us everything like reading out loud a story.

Needs some work, but having said that I do like the idea of robbing the wrong house.

Grade  c-  revised, reflected on the frogs, worth a grade bump

"He's concentrating on keeping his sanity but it's a tough gig." Writing was going pretty well until this moment. Doesn't read well.

Hard script to judge. I liked it for what it was. The dialogue was pretty good, except a few minor hiccups towards the end with all the expositon with the witch trails - which didn't work too well in my opinion. But other than that, this was sound. Nothing to really hate about it, not a lot to like. The dramatic setting for the first 5 pages makes you think the characters will arc somehow in some way, which I would've actually preferred but it's a horror so I can't expect much. Good job.

Grade: B

Writer,

This was pretty good. Nice twist at the end! The writing was crisp. Seems like you def know your way around.
The only issues I had with this was that a)it didn't seem like horror really. No blood, gore, and not much tension that keeps you on the edge of your seat. b) it took a long time for the three guys to get to the house with a crazy amount of dialogue that just seemed unnecessary. I feel you probably could've cut out two pages and got to the house a lot quicker and it wouldn't have lost any impact on the story.

However, a cool story. Didn't really fit the bill for the lack of horror. More of a thriller. But it did have a witch!

Steve

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.

History lesson

Hello.

Title is not about what happens in the script or not.

I enjoyed the tone. I like the script. There's passion in telling a story.

Don't get me wrong about what it reminds me of:
-Modern creepy kind of Scooby Doo, youth crime story, audio drama.

I know your characters, because you know them, too. They have touchable different personalities.
They are goofy robbers, which will be caught anyway anytime. Because they talk about the robbery, while doing so. They even talk all the time. That's what goofy robbers do.

Good character development for such a short time.

I felt you had some good images , but the picture could be a bit clearer.

But also, IMO you have inserted one of the best pictures there will be in this challenge.
When the wind comes from the window, while the one guy was shooting. Exactly that moment. Not the matrix style after that. I saw a blonde guy with middle long hairs in a storm. The hair flying back over his head, while he pushes the trigger and a death bringing putative bullet leaves the gun barrel. Great!
More of that please!

It felt to me like Scooby Doo, because it felt more like a tale, paced slowly and charming, BUT IT'S CONSTANTLY MOVING. Original.

A film can be like a tale. These films are often unique pieces like Edward Scissorhands, Tim Burton etc.

There are only a few things I missed.

1.I would have liked to see Max before. He gets your ending, but I (and his witch mother also) have no true connection to him.

2.I would have liked a conflict between the witch and the guys referring to the box at the table.

It seems you make it easy to get what you want at this place. In a style like: Witch: "Here, open that box for the script going on." That was definitely tangible for me.


At least a thought about where I think this script could go to.

I would let the robbers come out at the end. They are likeable goofs, no frogs.
It could be the dumb robber mystery series. Funny, creepy, family stuff.

ROBBER XY TITLE- HISTORY LESSON
ROBBER XY TITLE- GETTING BACK TO SALEM
….

Enjoyed.

Eh. I don't know about this one.

First off, the writing's pretty clunky at times. A good handful of typos, orphans, and passive voice that need to be taken care of and a lot of sentences that feel incomplete and or either broken up or strung together (with commas) in an awkward sort of way. The opening paragraph is a good example.

"A Ford pickup that's seen better days. It comes to a stop on an overgrown trail."

First sentence is a fragment, straight up. Would've been better just to write "A beat-up Ford pickup stops on an overgrown trail."

Moving along, exposition is the biggest issue here. While I appreciate some of the backstory that comes out through the earlier dialogue, this isn't a feature. You don't have a lot of time to set up and see through your story. Many of these references are ripe lovelies to be cut, so to speak. Seriously. The vast majority of your script takes place outside the house that's to be robbed.

And indeed, I think the longwinded dialogue in the first half of the story hurt the second. Carla shows up and just regurgitates exposition that seems like it had to be crammed in at the last minute. This is what serves as the build up to the supernatural shenanigans that follow as opposed to tension or atmosphere, which there obviously wouldn't have been time for. It just falls flat.

The whole revenge plot seems sort of random anyway. Was Carla just sitting around waiting for years for these guys to come rob her place? If it were like some kind of anniversary or once a year opportunity to get these guys or the stars were lined up or something, there might've been some more purpose to it. What transpires now feels thrown in just so there could be a story.

The ending with the frogs could've been a decent payoff. I mean, witches turning men into frogs is nothing new but the dissection angle is somewhat disturbing. But the lead up is poorly orchestrated and the impact of the final scene is left hanging as a result.

Decent effort, I suppose but doesn't cut it. Needs a lot of work.

I was quite enjoying the dialogue and getting a picture in my head of these guys when I realised I was already on page six. Now, I'm all for this type of thing but I'm thinking some prudent trimming could have made it happen earlier. Still, pretty good so far. Barely a mention of withches yet though.

Ah, we're in the house. It was all going pretty well for me until page eight. There was too much exposition in the dialogue which sounded unrealistic and dampened the mood.
And then a matrix moment with the bullet. They weren't the first to do that but they did make it rather famous.

I quite liked the ending. Also quite liked...
"He's concentrating on keeping his sanity but it's a tough gig."
Goes to show you can't please all the people all the time.

This needs some work but I liked a lot of it.

R

I liked this one. The writing was fine for the most part. Some odd word choices like, the roar of the gun. Roar, really? Doesn't fit IMO. But other than things like that, it was good.

I liked the story of Carla getting back at the three asshole guys by turning them into frogs. We all know what happens to frogs in science labs! Perfect.

My biggest issue here was the dialogue. You basically told us everything. Expositions galore. The only thing you didn't tell us was what was going to happen to the guys even though you mentioned frogs early on. I didn't make see that exact ending coming.

My suggestion, cut down on the dialogue and try not to tell us everything. Show us instead. Other than that, great job.  8)

I liked the end, it was innocent and disturbing.  The history came in way too quick, but there was some foreshadowing in the opening so it didn't feel entirely unnecessary.

There where some obvious mistakes with spacing and spelling.

"A Ford pickup that's seen better days. It comes to a stop on an overgrown trail."

Why not combine these two sentences?  The first holds the subject and an adjective clause, and the second holds the verb and predicate.  Breaking this up weakened your visual.

A little cleaning up to do, but not a bad story.  Like I said, the end was awesome.

Johnny
Edit:  Sorry James, didn't see your comments.

Opening dialogue I like already. It's the type of thing I find funny. The frogs bit.

I personally thought this was great. It flowed nicely as I didn't stop to make any comments during the reading process. Some spelling mistakes but nothing too detrimental.

The dialogue was fairly good, but started to decline near the end. I really liked this idea, and the ending was pretty surprising. A little childish, but it doesn't matter.

I thought there was some horror here, only it would be horror to appeal to a much younger audience.

I liked this a lot, one of my favourites so far.

Nice choice of setting...especially during fall! :)

Even though there is a lot of dialogue through this...I enjoyed the banter back and forth between the guys and usually I do not. So you did a good job. The dialogue feels natural for your characters to me.

I love it that Toby is smashed. Put one drunk dude in on a heist and there are bound to be problems. :)

I like the mystery when they talk about what's in the steel boxes. I think maybe you could've moved the story forward a bit faster IMO.

Liked this...the whole frog thing from the beginning and then they end up frogs in the classroom :) SWEET irony. LOVE IT. Great job.

I do think there’s a decent idea in this.  Turning the failed robbers into frogs for a school science experiment adds a nasty little twist -- certainly something to work with.  

It fell short in a couple of places for me.  Firstly was the time spent on unnecessary dialogue between the trio at the start and then during the exposition delivered in the house.  The latter felt forced and detracted from any tension you built into the moment.

I’d think about cutting back a lot of the dialogue between the trio and spend more time working in the backstory and Carla’s revenge angle.  We can assume the plan has already been discussed: balaclavas, no names, and who does what once inside etc.  

You could also consider bringing Carla and Max into this more to help the set-up and connection to the robbers.  

A good idea, but a flawed execution meant this wasn’t quite there for me.

Another one that I liked. The more I'm reading, the more I'm liking. I liked the twist with their past. I could tell as soon as Max got to school what was going on and about to happen, but I liked it. The ending worked well.

Good job. :)

Dialog and writing overall shows promise. Nice use of irony turning the guys into frogs. One of the better entries.

An uneven effort for me. I liked the historical elements. I guess my issue is the revenge. This easily allows you to refer to the past for motives. But I think there could be some reason the witch couldn't get revenge earlier. Maybe a spell or demon keeps her on the property or something.

Lots of dialogue in the early pages before the robbers enter the house. I understand that you need to explain things. I would say show over tell. But it's not like I hate the dialogue. Maybe keep it as narration of flashbacks. I think it'd be way better to see the past they talk about. They could even look the same. We could meet the witch before they do. You could set-up an innocence angle. Maybe she' s not a witch. Then we see Carla we don't know if she's the descendant or original. It would deliver some more intrigue.  

My long winded 2 cents. Haha. I just liked the ideas and think these additions would help show vs tell. I'm also trying to be  as constructive. Give you something to go on with, if you chose. I also wondered if Carla lured them there with a spell? If so maybe in narration cutaway show her researching the boys and their family lineage.

The end had a nice TWILIGHT ZONE vibe. Good historical references.  But it could deliver more horror.

I thought the opening scene went on too long. The banter’s okay, but you can just tell us why they’re here and get them moving along. There’s plenty of time to let their personalities play out along the way.

I’m not sure a robbery was the right way to kick off this tale. If Carla wanted revenge why doesn’t she go to them? Right now it plays out like a weird coincidence (Or did she draw them in? Did I miss something?).

I dug the frog ending, but thought the set-up could use a little more punch then just mentioning that one of them hates frogs. Like what if one of them stepped on a frog (“Eww, frog guts”).

Anyway I found this enjoyable. Good effort for a week’s time.

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsBznn8D13zOdGJValQtbHU1LUNPVWQzY0gzajRTTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

34. History Lesson by Twenty-Six - Horror - Three desperate men pick the wrong house to break into...
Brief - Three robbers fail to rob a classic witch

Location(s)  - Forest road & forest, old house exterior & interior
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
JESSE, 35, no descrip, leader
RICH, 35, no descrip, smart aleck
TOBY, 24, no descrip, drunk
Antagonist(s)  -
CARLA, 30, presumably the witch
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural Horror. Writing's too OTN to be marketable.
Comments  -  Title needs to be in all caps on the title page. FYI, shooting outdoors at night's a PITA. FYI, if you're going to "SUPER - NEAR ANDOVER MASSACHUSETTS" then you might as well learn we call them flashlights over here and not torches; just for consistency's sake. Dialog's fairly OTN. I've just completed six pages of a ten page screenplay, well past the halfway mark, and this is just boring. The scenario has potential, so I'm just reading from here to see where you take it (hoping you don't futz it up, but am afraid you will). OMFG:
CARLA
My family has been seeking
revenge for over four hundred
years. Now that time is here.
JESSE
Rich? You have any idea what she
means?
RICH
Maybe. But it's crazy as hell.
(beat)
One of my ancestors was involved
in the Salem witch trials in the
sixteen hundreds. Chief
prosecutor or something.
That's some rancid writing.
Out on pg9. Good use of pretty much a single location. Consider a rewrite with just two robbers and the witch, (fewer actors to pay!) Ciao.
Script format - fair.
Final word - Nice, but missable.

     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/      Screenplay Pages
= $      Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Nope. Classic witch
Horror - Yes, but back-ended + light