Caesarean Fiction - OWC

Good log-line, worked to draw me in.

Writing-wise it I enjoyed the read, crisp and effective visuals -- feels like you let loose for the challenge and had some fun with this.  Think Ewall433 nailed it with the ‘gleeful maniac energy’.

Think you could trim the V.O’s back a touch, but on the whole I thought they were used to good effect.  The tension was set-up well and I got a good feel for Warren’s desperation.

The half-sister/witch link felt a bit tenuous, we never get to see this evil half-sister or get a real feel for why she’s tormenting them and that’s where I think the page limit holds this back.  All in all an enjoyable and darkly entertaining idea in here.

An intriguing premise. Not a fan of the voice over so much. But it is underused in horror. Effective in getting the plot out. I would have been intrigued and more scared if narration or voices were of witch. Or baby.

Intriguing. Well-paced. But uneven. Not a lot of witch content or horror. Good suspense.

I thought you pulled of a good TWILIGHT ZONE feel. With pages to go why not "deliver" the horror - a grotesque demon baby or death of the mother. Just my thoughts.

What's with all the incomplete slugs?

Anyway, this one was good. It got better as it went on. I don't know how the writing style is going to go over, but I don't mind.

You could cut down on the V.O.

As for the story, I enjoyed it. You told it in an interesting way, too. In a way all the V.O. works because it turns the whole thing into some sort of montage of moments leading up to the end.

Great job completing the OWC.

Will

Well...I guess I can see the good in here, but I don't like the execution.

The whole thing is written in V.O. and it's really pretty much a cheat, but then again, nothing much really happens - it's all in the mind and we're privy to "hear it", per say.

I detest the Slug work, as it's so lazy.

But, all in all, I can tell a good writer is at work here, trying something new, and when it's all said and done, this does work in the way the writer wanted it to.

Bigget isue is the lack of any withces or withcraft. Sure it's hinted at but really has nothing to do with the plot or story.

An interesting take for sure. Good job.

Yeah, this was another dandy. This is my favorite so far, the psychological angle that comes through the V.O. works. And when Warren actually talks it's a great broad stroke. This is one that would translate to film well, definitely a TZ vibe. I feel the slugs were intentionally roughed up.

The one complaint is I didn't know this was about witches until it was disclosed, but I guess it's a good thing because the story sucked me in. I forgot about it.

Great job!

Johnny

I like that Warren was really twisted, and the suspense was great. This is my favorite so far, as far as that goes, but there's only a mention of a witch in the story, which is kind of a cheat. I also don't know how he realized there was more than one sister. I may have missed something though, I'm reading this on a defective kindle down in Mexico with a sporadic internet signal. Not very condusuve to accuracy. But at any rate, still my favorite!

I like the title page and the FADE IN, intro. Very nice, showing me your voice already. Let's hope it continues as strongly.

"BEDROOM - NIGHT

A very pregnant belly, half covered by a t-shirt. The woman
lies on her back in the moonlit room.

WARREN (V.O.)
It started talking to me one week
ago.

WARREN (30) lies next to his wife. Poster boy for everyday
American, the guy looks harmless.

His wife, KERRY (20s), lies angelic and fragile, the glow of
pregnancy visible on her face.

Oh yeah...Warren grips a butcher knife with two hands, terror
in his eyes.
"

Took me a while to figure out what was niggling me about the above section of scene 1. As much as I like it, there's something not quite right about the way you have listed events. I think you could drop the dialogue altogether and move straight into the description of Kerry looking all angelic etc. Then move onto Warren, with the poster-boy thing... then hit with the knife. It seems weird to me that the scene describes Warren without a knife then mentions him having a knife like he's had one all along.

"WARREN (V.O.)
It tells me it can come out any
time now, any time it chooses. No
hospitals, no help. And it tells me
the first thing it will do is chew
its way out then eat her heart
while she watches. What would you
do?
"

Seek psychiatric help.

"She stands and takes a position behind the couch...begins
rubbing his shoulders.
"

Why not just ...massages his shoulders, or ...rubs his shoulders.

"WARREN (V.O.)
It was she who put that thing in my
wife. She who made me kill Sheila.
She who will get that thing to kill
Kerry...if I donďż˝t do something.
"

She didn't actually make him kill the sister. He did that himself. His motive was clear earlier, he doesn't like her because she's a bitch, she also sleeps with her sister's (his wife's) boyfriends just to hurt her. This guy is obviously obsessed with his wife and if at the end it isn't down to him being completely crazy then I'm not buying it.

OK, well done... he is crazy. Perfect ending. Nicely done. Touched upon the witch theme without going all the way.

Despite a couple of little niggles that may or may not be niggles to anyone else I enjoyed the story. Very well executed.

8.5/10

This read like the diary of a schizophrenic. There was an oddly detached feel to this, most likely because of the virtually nonstop voice overs. For some reason this reminded me of one of those old Night Gallery episodes. Is the guy crazy, or is the evil baby actually speaking to him? I'd lean toward the former. Didn't feel like horror, more like macabre drama. And the witch part was superfluous at best. Still, I'd say this is one of the more unique entries.

It's a very interesting short.
I liked it but I think the VO's could be done smoothlier. And in some instances there's no visual to support the VO.
Like when Kerry collapses (top of p4) - we don't see it. And what was the collapse about? I didn't understand that part.
Also, why would he think a fortune teller is behind all this? It's like you're undeceded yourself about who's doing it to him or if it's his sick imagination.

I also expected a twist at the end. It doesn't feel complete for some reason. But I was glued to screen. I think it's Kerry who does all those awful things. Maybe... Would be more fun if it was her, I think.

Very strange start. At least I didn't find a mistake in the first page so you kind of broke the cycle on everything I've read so far.

The script is getting more outrageous the further I read. But I find it strangely amusing.

Very hard script to judge. I didn't hate it, and I tried to like it but it's not really working for me. In a funny way, it's a different tale of somebody progressing into fatherhood. Not too bad, doesn't have a lot to do with witches. Needed a little more depth for me to like it but it was a fun script to read.

Grade: C+

I'm sure you're going to take some heat for the slugs especially, but for me, I thought your Fade In Witch Lovers was a great warning that the style here would be different. I loved that Fade In, btw. Made me smile wide.

The story itself was good, but I kind of wished we were allowed 12 pages. I wanted to find out more about the half-sister witch. I imagine in Warren's head she had placed the "spell" on Kerry out of jealousy for Kerry living a better life and not being abandoned by their father.

There were several tense moments where I was thinking he would kill. I knew he would eventually though. But the tension worked.

So, good job on making something different and in just one week.

I honestly thought this was gonna be an (ineligible) pisstake. The opening dialogue was almost comic!

But it settled into a nifty little story, with some good imagery. I didn't even notice the slugs - actually half the time I don't whilst reading a short - so wasnt a prob AT ALL for me, lol

This had a real Soulshadow feel, could almost imagine Bert's old hag narrating at the start (can't recall her name right now).

One query? When Warren asks about Kerry's hidden sister, why doesn't she think it's odd that he brought it up out of nowhere while she was in the bath?

Overall one of my faves!

The effect seems to be to leave the audience wondering if this was all in Warren's head, or whether there really was a monster in the womb...or whether there was no monster, but the half sister witch was merely using the unborn baby to torment Warren, and get him to kill the sisters, who she wanted revenge on because the father had abandoned her to a life of poverty.

(Stevie's Beatles thing in the post above is making me dizzy!)

The bookend opening and closing with Warren in the room with the butcher knife, thinking he is saving his wife from some invisible harm, is haunting. Could this guy really just be terrified of being a father and this is how his subconscious mind plays out his fears? To kill the person you love most in the world because your mind has played a trick on you is pretty darn horrific.

Not actually hearing the voice of the monster, instead hearing Warren relate what it says, is strangely effective at giving us a sense of his coming unglued.

I would like to see him wrestle longer with killing Sheila...that suspense should build more, and it is a point of no return moment once he kills her.

And then after he kills her, there should be a bit more unraveling at home. He is a murderer now, he should be wracked with guilt and coming apart at the seems. Maybe just one more quick scene will do it.

Loved this twisted tale.
The writer did an excellent job of delaying what we all knew was going to happen from page one, and each path we went down was totally satisfying. The half-sister who walked in from left field was a groaner -- for about one second -- because I was enjoying the ride so much it seemed to blend with the crazy tone of the overall story.
Fun read, expertly written, a winner.

There's not too much to complain about here.

Your slugs are strange.  You don't use INT. or EXT.  You use "inside" and "outside".

It's also confusing when you go from SHEILA'S HOUSE to BATHROOM.  I thought we were still in Sheila's house.

There's something about Kerry's dialogue that reminds me of my ex.  Because of that, I didn't mind so much that Warren was going to slice her up in the end.  Nicely done.

Jordan

Caesarean ...

Logline - yeah solid concept

One minute a she the next a him
Ok a VO narrator - may devalue the punch, let's see
Warrens first word is - huh
Warrens mainly VO then does conflict a touch with the occasional word - one to ponder

Finished.

Well that's a much more serious attempt, well done. Does it work? Yes, but I feel it could be more.

First - Warren. I suppose you can do VO with a small part being speech, but for a short I almost feel it's one or the other, when written like this.

Sister - why did he kill her? Yes he is tormented, the voice of the unborn speaking to him, but it's all about protecting Kerry, so I couldn't quite figure out why he visits the sister and kill her, just because the voice laughs? The mysterious half sister smacks of being thrown in to meet the OWC challenge - I understand that aspect well !!

I love the premise of this, the slide into paranoia, the voices, the tension and reactions, and of course the stakes, however, starting with him and a knife and the way it's drawn out we are really just waiting for it to happen rather than see the effects the journey.

As written we don't really have much of a story, more of a waiting game. If we saw him struggle more and more through the pregnancy as his insanity slides, as I read it since I see no sign of any monster.

I know we had to have witch craft but going forward I would either drop this or enhance it. I would work on the forces beyond our control fear aspect.

IMO there is a fair amount to change and I would decide on the VO versus speech element but this is definitely a better entry and a solid entry for one week.

C+/b-

HOLY CRAP!

Disagree some with Reef's post. Sure, it's a waiting game but the tension is there. Sheesh...it's there in spades.

The V/O worked for me. It took inside Warren's head but we're never sure if he's right or if he's gone off the deep end. It could go either way, right up to the end but I think that's a good way to go.

I agree with the others regarding slugs. You tipped us off right away this was going to be...different. It added to the feel that the things going are not normal. I have a feeling that if you could have the copy appear slightly tilted, you would.

I've read more of the entries than what I've commented on...so I've read a bunch now. This is not my favorite by any means because it's so...y'know....but this is the BEST script so far and seems far and away better than the any of the others I've read so far.

Tried to write a review twice but something in YouTube made the page refresh/crash for some reason. I'll have to keep this one short unfortunately; I don't want to rewrite the whole thing again.

I was intrigued at first at the possibility of this guy being schizophrenic but threw that out once Kerry collapsed. It seemed like the writer wanted the possibility of schizophrenia and a demonic baby to be two equally plausible possibilities. Unfortunately, I thought too much credence to the latter negated the former and schizophrenia seemed like the only thing that could've made the V.O. work. Instead, the result is a big game of tell, not show, which feels tedious as the intended tension was lost on me, especially with how cursory Sheila's death is dealt with.

The witch reference was also extremely cheap. It felt like the writer wanted to write whatever and snuck the reference in just to sneak by. I guess they do but it feels very disingenuous.

The writing wasn't bad though. I thought omitting INT/EXT from the slugs was amazingly lazy but complaining about it wouldn't serve much of a purpose as obviously no one's going to assume these characters have their living room and bedroom outside.

Not bad, I suppose. Wasn't as crazy about it as everyone else though.

One of my favs. No problem with the slugs...they read super fast the way you have them. I love the mystery and that last scene was wowzer! :) Great job!

I only skippped through the other comments as I really couldn't be bothered reading most of them, so apologies if I repeat points previously made.

The writing reminded me of another writer who used to be on here. Not sure enough to name but anyway, it was good. Up there with the best of the bunch. More psychological horror than physical, not that there's anything wrong with that. I usually prefer it that way.

No doubt some complaints about the minimal headers. It made suprisingly little difference. Seems a shame though. I think this, with a bit more work, could make for a really great short.

A nice little warped-mind trip here, but a little witchy-lite for my taste.

It would have been good if perhaps there had been a more direct correlation with all things occult as this reads imh more psychotic and deranged - a little too linear in terms of the final denouement too, but another entertaining take on the challenge... even if it doesn't quite meet the terms.

Hell yeah. This is a great short and highly filmable, with some tweaking. Great writing despite the slugs (which I don't mind). Loved the Fade In, nice touch. Solid storytelling here, the voice-overs work great and are executed with care, and the dialogue is just enough.

The V.O. does spell out the subtext a bit much, you already have Warren's actions and reactions so you can trim some of the V.O. without losing anything.

The opening image almost works. Off the mark it's fine, but the ending is the same scene taken a step further which makes the first scene questionable. Better if he doesn't have the knife in the first scene, if he's just lying there worried/terrified and we have the voice-over talking about him killing his wife. Then the ending has the impact it needs to, the same words but with a powerful visual this time.

My biggest complaint is the witch requirement is tacked on. That's a problem for the challenge, but it means this could be even better outside the constraints of the challenge. Remove that entirely, have him bring up the half-sister but when he goes to Google her name, that's when the baby warns him off. If you do that, we will never know if it's the demon-baby or a psychotic break. That's a universal horror story, a Rosemary's Baby from a dad's perspective.

This is my favorite entry so far, but I feel it didn't meet the requirements of the challenge. Great read, thank you! Not quite sure if that matters, I'll have that argument with myself come voting time.

Writer,

This was pretty good! I liked how the tension mounted here, brooding as Warren seemingly goes insane. Interesting choice not to let us hear the baby speaking. Kind of added to Warrens madness. But this was well paced, action lines didnt make me slog through it. Def an easy, fun read, that made me turn the pages.

Only one complaint was the ending. I know you were pressed for time, and I suppose it was the only way to go, but, damn, I would have liked to read some more of this! Kinda halfway done really

Good job on this!

Steve

One of the better ones...and one of the few that I feel may have been shortchanged by the page maximum. Because...I think if Warren could have actually met the witch sister - and had some some of eerie inconclusive encounter with her - this could have been stronger. Dialing this up a tiny notch with the horror and the madness would've worked, too. Not go over the top, ilke some of the other submissions did... but just a LITTLE more intensity would've made this even better.

Cheers,

--J

I’m going against popular opinion on this one. It was OK, but the script lacked a certain tension for me, the VO wore me down, and I thought the outcome was just so-so.

There is a detachment to the story that made it a slightly tedious read. I wanted to hear the “other voice,” the one that was haunting Warren. If that voice is feeding him information or influencing him to act a certain way, Warren’s voice could be the voice of reason. Hearing two voices adds conflict, needed energy — as this story is really heavy on dialogue, or monologue. Action is subdued or implied.
Even the one death scene (Sheila) is underplayed, I guess by choice.

Not only that, but the other voice would put us in the moment. And being in the moment means that maybe Warren hasn’t made any decisions — yet. He’s conflicted and trying to find a logical solution. In the end, the story outcome can be the same, but how we get there would be more involving.

BTW, hearing the child’s voice in the story doesn’t mean it has to be real. Warren could still be unhinged.
The half-sister, witch angle doesn’t work, as is. You would need to develop that further. Kerry’s response to Lizbeth is pure exposition. She should be perplexed or curious at how he knew of another sister.

I’m not sure about Warren dusting off a hunting rifle in one scene. Because of the slug line confusion, did he pay a visit to Lizbeth and blow her away? It feels like a missing scene here.
I think the story works better without this funky witch angle.

I was let down by the ending because based on certain information, the voice telling Warren that “the first thing it will do is chew its way out… ,” coupled with the story’s title, implied he was going to perform a home-remedy Caesarian. A truly blood denouement of the “evil” baby. I guess that’s what you’re setting up without actually going there. Right?

Still, I would like to have seen this baby starting the chewing process. Warren is already put off my his wife’s baby bump, so his mind could project ahead to that horrifying moment of the baby’s exit. This would continue the ambiguity of “is this real or is this fiction?’

Your logline could be shortened. Drop the “…within his head.”
There’s potential, but could use a some re-aiming. Good luck on the rewrite.

Not bad. Writing was decent. Sluglines need work.

I love the idea, but instead of Warren TELLING us all the things he's hearing, I think it would play out much better if we hear this entity's voice as he is hearing it. Give the entity a voice and let us experience what Warren is experiencing so we can sympathize with his dilemma. I feel we should at least meet the witch sister as well, as here is another case of telling and not showing.

Quoted from RadioShea89

I love the idea, but instead of Warren TELLING us all the things he's hearing, I think it would play out much better if we hear this entity's voice as he is hearing it. Give the entity a voice and let us experience what Warren is experiencing so we can sympathize with his dilemma.

That's a GREAT idea. I agree 100%. :)

A twisted little story in this one that I'm not sure whether I like.

That said, I did like how the start tied in with the end and the whole 2 sister thing.

As with a couple of other ones, I'm up in the air with this. The writing is good, solid, although the V.O's sometimes became a tad too much.

Other than that, good effort:)

Renee

I've read this story before... it didn't occur to me until afterwards. But it's similar to a story I read several months ago. I liked that one too.

I really liked the idea here. I think if you had more time you would have been able to give it some more depth. Like if we knew more about the half sister.

Great writing...a breeze to read.

I loved tormented Warren although he was really a mess. Didn't end well for anyone here but I guess that's okay sometimes. I think you could go several ways with this story. Lots of possibilities. Hope you expand on it a bit. Nice work.

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.

Caesarean fiction

Hello!

Yes. That was strong.
OK. If I get it, Warren is just a psychopath. The witch thing is existent in your script, because Warren think his wife's unborn baby is a demon. Unique view.

It was flowing.

3 things to mention:

1. Where is the body of Sheila?
2. The second sister thing had been done in another way. Warren knows his wife, right?
Especially those points let it jolt a tiny bit in a negative way.

3. Be careful with the long VO. It fits to your story, surely, but realize more: The characters have to act on screen during that time. Find good pictures to keep that interesting or cut some VO

I liked it a lot.

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsBznn8D13zOdGJValQtbHU1LUNPVWQzY0gzajRTTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

38. Caesarean Fiction by Twenty-Nine - Horror - A young man is tormented by an evil voice within his head...the voice of something within his pregnant wife.
Brief - Expectant father deals with the demon in his head and pregnant wife's belly

Location(s)  - House interior, condo exterior & interior
Cast -
WARREN, 30, everyday American, the guy looks harmless
KERRY, 20s, lies angelic and fragile, gravid
SHEILA, late 20s, model good looks
Genre & Marketability - Thriller. This is not the story I'm looking to produce this time, nice as it is.
Comments  -  Turn off your screenwriting program's mores and continued's feature.The cover should be nothing but Courier 12pt, all caps title w/o underline, no embellishments. First page, first line: looks like a pisser already. Learn to make a slug line correctly. On pg6, delightful as this is it's barely horror and certainly not witchcraft - yet. Finished it. I like it. It isn't witchcraft, it's a mental health story, and nore thriller than horror by far. Good use of minimal cast & locations. Still gonna pass on this, though.
Script format - Needs work
Final word - Wrong genre, no witchcraft at all.

$200 - 500 Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 7.8    Screenplay Pages
= $    Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Nope
Horror - Nope

Quoted from RayW

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsBznn8D13zOdGJValQtbHU1LUNPVWQzY0gzajRTTUE&usp=sharing

Nice chart.

Quoted from DustinBowcot

Nice chart.

Thanks. :)

Buy me a beer and I'll let you see my other spreadsheet. :K)

Thanks for the reads, everyone. If I haven't gotten to your script already, I will in the coming days.

We played with the format and slugs here because we wanted to have a bit of fun with people, and we wanted the focus on the story. We got some valuable insights and ideas from the comments, so thanks!

Most satisfying is that many readers got the affect that we wanted, where it's unclear if Warren is going mad or whether there is something supernatural going on...and the feeling of what it's like in Warren's unraveling mind. That's why we did it in V.O., to put us in his mind. And that's why we didn't want to do the monster/baby's voice.

The script was done right before the deadline and definitely feels lacking. We can use the feedback to hopefully improve it. For example, we are thinking of a quick dream sequence where Warren imagines the monster clawing it's way out of her expansive belly.

As far as the writing technique in the opening, there is a reason we described things that way. We wanted the focus on her belly, then on his and her faces...then pulling back to see he has a knife. So yes, we were guilty of directing the camera shots. But it was also how we wanted the reader to experience it.

It would be easy enough to shoot, I would think. And it is horror, though obviously more psychological horror.

The OWC and the witch requirement inspired the story. That and a very pregnant woman at the library who happened to be sitting next to a man who was talking to himself. Though as the story developed, the witch ended up taking a backseat to the point where it's not clear, nor meant to be, whether she even exists.

Thanks again!

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