Descent of the Maiden by Thirty - Horror - The tale of the Maiden is a sad one: hated for her skin, revelled for her innocence. What begins with Death, ends with the Apocalypse - the coming of the Horned One. ( R ) - pdf, format 8)

My apologies, but I stopped after the first page.  I skimmed a bit further but that's going to do it for me.

Way overwritten to the point of being irritating.  A script shouldn't read like a novel and this surely does.

No dialogue whatsoever until Page 3.

This may be a great story, but I just don't have the patience to find out.

Looks like you did meet the challenge requirements, so Kudos on that.

Some nice references to historical legend of witches. A few good kills. Different use of magic.

I think horror works best with images and atmosphere. My favorite horrors aren't for the dialogue. The most blood and horror from the few OWC read so far. Some parts could have used more clarity. I liked that the witches were on every page and weren't the monsters of the piece.

I didn't finish this either. I knew there were going to be problems as soon as I opened this and saw all the big paragraphs on the first page.

...And they continue through the whole script. Sorry to be harsh. The writing isn't bad, but it's way overwritten and needs to be trimmed back.

Good job completing the OWC.

Will

Quoted from Dreamscale No dialogue whatsoever until Page 3.

I didn't open this yet, and I probably won't based on the harsh feedback, but I do have a question.  What's the issue with no dialogue until page 3?  Just curious.  Is that a biggie?  What's wrong with using images to tell a story instead of relying on dialogue all the time?  (Note, I am not defending the writer as I have not read the script, just asking an honest question)

There are plenty of good things in this story. Matched against your standard OWC, which let's face it, OWC's are hurried so tend to be quite flawed, this is not bad at all.

Let's talk about the writing first. There are plenty of positive signs. The writer sees his story in very visual terms. There is a movie in his head and he's painting us the pictures. That's a hopeful sign of things to come with the writer.

There are a lot of other amateur writers here who are going to attack the script because it doesn't conform to the rules they learned in their screenwriting seminar. The writer is just going to have to live with that fact that many here really could care less about story, or even frankly about good writing. They focus more on adherence to perceived rules, and they have no patience for anything else.

That said, a lot of work is certainly needed to give this writing a professional feel. So keep plugging away at learning the craft. Put your own spin on your writing style and technique, but keep working.

The story itself has its moments. The focus is on the choice the Maiden faces, whether to embrace Satan as is her people's heritage, or choose humanity.

But it's not always clear who is good and who is evil, so the choice does not become the moral dilemma the writer wants it to. Which really limits the stakes. Especially with Sam already having died in his sleep.

In a story about choice, the stakes have to be clear and there needs to be some real moral gravitas. For example, what if the Maiden had to choose Satan in order to save Sam's life?

The writer has a healthy dose of talent to work with. Hopefully he/she puts his nose to the wheel and keeps grinding! Good luck.

I have to agree - if you're not going to read a script, then don't bother commenting. And no dialogue is fine if it's handled well - this is a visual medium and not wholly defined by dialogue.

On the script - there's good and bad. The margins appeared off, wrylies weren't used correctly, and transitions kept on popping up left-side, so there's some formatting issues that need looking into.

It is a melancholic tale, and overall it's not badly told. It is over-written in places, and even though some of the descriptive pieces are well written, there were some instances of repeating a description, which I felt took away from it (the creaking rope, rustling rope).

Some of the dialogue was nicely handled between the three women. I thought that Sam's death came a little out of the blue.

Story-wise, it kinda worked, as the maiden felt compelled to her destiny which she had tried to avoid. Not everything was clear here, and that's a judgement call re. if it works or not. Ultimately, the subject matter, I didn't care for - maybe a powerful Warlock would have sufficed?

Quoted from Guest I didn't open this yet, and I probably won't based on the harsh feedback, but I do have a question.  What's the issue with no dialogue until page 3?  Just curious.  Is that a biggie?  What's wrong with using images to tell a story instead of relying on dialogue all the time?  (Note, I am not defending the writer as I have not read the script, just asking an honest question)

In theory, there's no issue with no dialogue on any amount of pages.

But, in this situation, as I said (in other words) this thing is very, very dense and reads like a novel.  Look at the passages - we start with a 3, 4, and then a 5 line passages.  ON Page 1, there's then another two 3 liners and two more 4 liners.

I'm not trying to discourage anyone from reading this at all.  I'm merely giving feedback on what I read.  If it doesn't help, feel free to ignore it.

Decent of the maiden

Logline - not quite sure what to make of this. It tells a story but then almost explains it.

The first page looks heavy before I start. You could almost replace the first para with the last five words.
What's a size 32 hoof?
You can use Title, but most would use Super
If you want fade out, you need out. I would just have the next scene strat
Too many details in the kitchen and fridge etc - slows the read
Try to avoid smash cut, cut to etc
If the boy is Sam just introduce him straight away
Gosh that is a bad dream

I have to say all the detail, etc makes for a heavy read, even the dialogue

Finished

Man I found that heavy going. Scripts are meant to be lean, quick, clear, crisp. Read others see how they approach the descriptions etc

I won't grade this one as it was a bit too much for me.

But, three generations of witch, humans that want they and a horned beast could be sound.

You have the makings of a short story writer. Very long descriptions that could easily put off some readers, but I still read through it nonetheless, as sometimes it's nice to read a writer's detailed visual representation of a story, rather than conforming to standard protocols for screenwriting.

Interesting read. I like the action involved with this script...very detailed. I do admit I will need to read the script again to get a better handle on the story, but nonetheless, it was an okay read. I am still wondering how the Maiden's dream correlates with Sam's death though :)

I wonderered if the mother's spell was happening at same time as the dream. Maybe influenced the dream, gave it power with a sacrifice. Or if the horned god knew maiden's desires, or she so afraid of sex she subconsciously called the god to kill. I forgot to mention the racial issues underneath, nice try there. People will always prejudice over differences - skin or religion.

I like the historic take of horned god as protector. Good not evil.a true god looking like typical devil.

I think the verbose writing style will scare off some readers (I'll get to that in a moment) but I think hidden within the excess ink is a genuinely strong story. It's a little too big for 10 pages perhaps. Obviously there's more expected to come after FADE OUT, which makes for an anticlimactic ending, and I felt Sam was in and out of the story in no time at all.

Still, I was impressed by how much character and backstory you were able to establish in a very short period of time without being too heavy handed. I also liked the old school occult feel and the moral ambiguity in regards to the protagonist's religion. I tend not to like Satan-themed stories because you usually have a very specific kind of morality forced upon you, if not just expected to already believe in before you go in. That was not the case here. I also always welcome some innovative goreplay so long as the story's right as well.

Your descriptions were also very strong. Excellent vocabulary on you. I think it'll serve you well done the road.

Still, simply put, your writing style is way too verbose and good story or no, it does hurt. The paragraphs here are so dense, I think they might actually throw off the one-minute-per-page rule and your page count. In fact, if you were to break up these paragraphs so they were easier to read, I think you would've failed to meet the 10-page limit. They also kill your pacing and make reading the script a long slog.

I'm not a believer in absolute cut-and-dry descriptions at all times. I think more robust language can have its place in screenwriting. But it does need to be used sparingly. The amount of excess here just flat out isn't suited for screenwriting.

So, a couple tips. A general rule of thumb would be to keep your paragraphs down to four sentences/lines max. Occasionally I think you can get away with five. Around eight or nine is flat out unacceptable as far as I'm concerned and around the point where you start to dangerously throw off your pacing.

Even with that rule of thumb though, I think it's a good idea to break up paragraphs as much as possible with 1-2 sentences being ideal. What I try to do is break paragraphs up based on specific actions or ideas rather than waiting for them to meet a sentence quota. Traditional paragraphs of 3-5 sentences are for scholarly essays and the like. You don't necessarily have to stick to that here.

Also, be choosy about when you want to incorporate embellishments. You can have some but when they start to become too frequent, the writing becomes too dense and you start to throw everything off. In a sense, you'll have to cut some lovelies. The more verbose you like to be, the more you'll have to cut.

The writing needs to flow, primarily so the reader doesn't have to worry about it and can focus on your story. Everything else looks reasonably good here. Work on keeping your descriptions lean and I think your writing will quickly improve.

I groaned when I first opened the script. Lots and lots of text, then I started reading and I found it to be way overwritten, BUT I read on till the end. It is true what the others said about your writing and you should take those comments to heart. The important thing here though, is that I like the story itself. I also found it creepy in places so the horror was there. I can tell that you know how to tell a story. That's the most important part anyway. Work on perfecting your screenwriting skills and you'll do great. You tell a good story.

Script wise, not my favorite, but story wise, it's one of them.  8)

THere's a good story in here. There's lots of previous comments about what's wrong with the formatting and the need to do less overwriting so I won't echo on those.
Lots of ideas and imagery, certainly one of more creative and original scripts I've read of late.

R

The opening scene, which goes a page and a half, has some GREAT visuals. Love the three hanging there and the description of the girl's eyes. Problem is, it's WAY overwritten. A lot of the excess writing is repetitive stuff.

INT. BARN – DAY
Shafts of murky light SLICE into the dusty air of a dilapidated barn. Particles of dust dance, floating in the air. (repetitive)

INT. DILAPIDATED BARN – DAY (tell us in the slug that it's dilapidated then you don't have to say it again. Don't say old barn either because that's repetitive)
Shafts of murky light SLICE into particles of dust that dance in the air.
__________________________________

Why put quotes inside dialog?

Ugh. Camera direction. SMASH CUT?  I have to stop now and think about what a smash cut would look like. Tell the story, don't direct it.

MOTHER (turns to Crone) -- wrylies go under the character's name.

"I say The Words does He not listen?" - What's with the random capitalizations?

What kind of writing software are you using that allows a scene heading or character's name to end the page?

Okay....the tone of this story started out great. Eerie, really good visuals. But then around page 8 (I think...they aren't numbered), it turned. I'm also confused about what's going on so I'm just going to stop.

Congrats on completing something for this OWC.

To start off with the writing may turn some off, because of the lengthy descriptions here. Like this:

Shafts of murky light SLICE into the dusty air of a dilapidated
barn. Particles of dust dance, floating in the air. The stalls
are empty. No tools strewn about. An eerie, EMPTY, aging barn.

Could be:
Shafts of light slice into an old dilapidated barn.

It's something I'm still working on for sure. So trimming this would be a good idea.

Sorry to say, the thicker I get into this, the more strange the writing is. What is size 32 cloven hooves?  ....I dunno...I'm out on this after three pages. Sorry.

Not bad. Some decent potential here. Good visuals, but watch for spelling errors.

This was done by a very new writer and hence; congrats for completing something for the OWC.

As others have said - there is a story in here, but it is bogged down with heavy description. It needs a lot of work, but you'll get there. Everyone has their starting stone.

In all honesty - you'll probably rewrite this over and over again and again before things begin to make sense in the 'screenwriting world', but don't take any comments personally and keep pushing on :)

Renee

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


Descent of the maiden

Hello!

No doubt, this is one of my favorites since yet.

The little No's first: There are a lot of pictures like sun glances or sth., dust there or sth., which are still there in your image, better said, in my interpretation of what I see. It feels like you add pictures before or behind the point, where you give me actually the right impression about all entire thing happening. More confidence, please. I didn't like that the witch/s first kill a frog, than it's about a hound, before taking the real conflict. It doesn't fit IMO.

Ok. There was a lot of action going on; also there were creepy horror elements. I liked how you solve the problem with capturing the witches. I believed they were strong enough to survive the children- soldier army. You did a great choice, when you show several jeeps arriving during the fight. I had the impression that they won't stop attacking; and your decision makes it plausible, that the witches were caught at least.

Best tension. I keep this script in mind. After 3X reads I have to take some time to reflect that. Yeah, that really rocks...Great

I thought the first scene was a bit overwritten. There’s some nice visuals being produced, but it could all stand to be more concise.

With phrases like “twisted macabre penis”, I had a hard time pinning down the intended tone of this. There were some cool spells and inventive kills in the final battle, but the writing left me too confused to form much of an impression and the logic behind events eluded me.

Congrats on completing the OWC!

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsBznn8D13zOdGJValQtbHU1LUNPVWQzY0gzajRTTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

39. Descent of the Maiden by Thirty - Horror - The tale of the Maiden is a sad one: hated for her skin, revelled for her innocence. What begins with Death, ends with the Apocalypse - the coming of the Horned One.
Brief - Monolith

Location(s)  - Barn interior
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
Antagonist(s)  -
Genre & Marketability -
Comments  -  First page: are you familiar with the monolith from '2001: A Space Oddessey'? Oh, f*********ck meeeeeeee. There's a second page of this. And practically a third. Pass
Script format -
Final word - Dialog is gooooooood.

     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/      Screenplay Pages
= $      Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks -
Horror -

This was mine. Thanks for all the comments. I take them to heart. I've already incorporated some suggestions for my features in rewrite at the moment. My descriptions were a bit overboard on this one. I'm working on making my writing more crisp, decisive,  quick. And i won't join paragraphs to fit page limit any more. Haha.

I'd love to give anyone reviews for their features or shorts. Let me know.

I have a series, FOX & DOG, with almost 10, 000 views. No comments. To say the least, I'm curious as to how I got that many views.  But I'm more curious for some feedback. I'd return the favour for sure.

Good work everyone.  And thanks for all the constructive criticism. It helps.

Oh and I love 2001 and the monolith. And slow paced Kubrick.  Haha.  Jokes.