The Clearing by H.R. Pufnstuf - Horror - A woman inherits some land from a great grandmother she never knew and finds some things out about herself. (PG ) - pdf, format 8)

Well, this is my first read of this OWC, and I wish I could be more positive, but I can't.

Obviously, the writer didn't finish.  To make matters worse, this thing runs over 10 pages, but the part that does appears to be early notes and ramblings, which the writer forgot to delete.

Slugs are a mess and often repeated back to back.

Lots of telling going on, as well as unfilmables.

Lots of seeing, hearing, looking, etc.  You really want to try and avoid these for the most part (if you're unclear what I mean, PM me and I'll go into more detail).

There is alot of overwriting going on here.  Alot of detail given that's not necessary, which caused this to run way too long, as in things obviously completely fell apart half way onto Page 9, but there's no way this would come in under 10 pages, even if there was another couple hours to write, which leads me to my final comment...

The story itself doesn't work and never could work for a 10 pager.  It's also completely unrealistic and unbelievable.  To think Josh would draw arcitectual plans for their new house on the spot and outside is ludicrous.

Kudos for trying to get a script together for this OWC, but you obviously didn't make it.

My words are meant o help, not hurt, so I hope you understand and take my comments the right way.

Take care.

I hope Don doesn't mind that I'm calling myself out as the writer here.  I asked him to put this in the "pisser" section not realizing he wasn't going to have one this time. I don't want to take reads away from the peeps who were able to finish theirs.

I had an idea within the first hour of this challenge but didn't have any time to write. Then yesterday, when I finally sat down to write I quickly realized there was no way to do it in 10 pages. My pride got in the way and I submitted what I had, accidentally leaving my notes at the end. LOL. What a mess. So sorry.

Please don't waste your time reading. Good news for me is, I actually have an idea for a feature here. Outlined it this morning. :)

Overall, I started to like this a little. Wondered where it was going. While I have minor quibbles with the 'suddenly' and 'moments later' type of stuff (a page is usually equal to that of a minute for most) there was something that ticked me off. Here it is:

Quoted Text BRIDGETTE Aww snap. It's like the writer didn't have time to finish. Man. Thanks a lot asshole. Procrastinator. Fade out I guess. Now I have to what...live in this pentacle or go out and have some hawk rip my head off. Whatever.

Yes. Thanks a lot. Did you know that if you DIDN'T have this and left it ambigous that it would have worked? Instead you decide to break the fourth wall. How sad. That's a cop-out and it makes the writer look amatuer. Yes, it's a OWC and some folks will miss a few things in hindsight. (including a spelling error or two) and these things can be a bit raw.  But man....what a jip and a kick in the shins.

FOLLOW UP
"marnieml" *(above comment) claims responsibility. Asks not to read it because it is no good. Read it before I read that note. But y'know something marnieml? Folks are going to give it a shot anyway. Good job getting in something for the OWC.

What the...?

Like the others, I didn't care for this. You're gonna get enough flack for the ending, so I'm not gonna rehash what's already been said.

Overall the story just didn't do it for me. It was just one thing happening after the other, no real buildup to anything.

And I have no idea what the stuff on the last few pages is for.

Hope this helps... good job finishing the OWC.

Will

P.S. I read this before I saw your note, marnieml... oh well. I'll post my notes anyway.

You got me there. Haha.  I actually liked this until the end. It was building some nice suspense. Digging and finding the skull was good. Made me wonder. I liked the couple and the dialogue. There were some cliches like the matches and the flash camera, but that's horror for ya. Would have liked any other conclusion.

Another suspense oriented horror with some good moments.

This reads very slow.  There's missing slugs too.  Characters that are introduced without caps.

To me, nothing really happens or matters.  I see you ran out of pages.

You could cut the first 9 pages and just start with them waking up in the middle of the pentagon.  That's the beginning of a mystery there.

All the best with any future rewrites,


Javier

The clearing

Hello puffy

Logline - it's fine, gives an idea about the journey. Not sure we need the find things out about herself, but it kind of works. Oh, and I'm crap at loglines so what do I know?

What's LL bean - it's probably just me who doesn't know that
Did you need forest in the slug?
Bit lost as to how they get on the new road, through the brush?
Nice foreshadow with the pig, sacrifice etc

And then....it ends with his head being ripped off

Oh what to say, an unfinished story. I don't mind this by the way. The OWC is a hard challenge to get finished and I would rather than incomplete stories than no entry.

Until that point it was fine. A variation of the inherited old barn, instead a clearing. For a 10 pager it probably lingered too much on what was happening and all the spooky stuff and you backed yourself into a bit of a corner.

Actually bit surprised this got through as it goes after the page account - doesn't bother me.

What ending would have written?

Well I would have the couple not so happy and dreamy, a little tension. May be she's not great with men, an academic , loves her work, everything is about nature. At the end we discover by having a man there she risks her life, they are surrounded, if she sacrifices him, pushes him out the pentacle, he dies but she survives. What does she do?

No grade.

All the best.


Edit - well you can tell I don't read other comments first, just seem Marni's comment

I've been reading the screenplays before the other responses so I missed where the writer suggested people not read it.  I thought it was a good idea with lots of potential, sorry you didn't finish it.  The main issues are with lines that kill the suspense such as the flashlight not working and just as the dread builds "She hits it like ten more times then gives up." Also unfilmmables such as "she left the matches in the truck".  However, you do have a knack with building suspense so good job with that.

I read this then started typing out a few thoughts then before I was gonna post I flicked back through the other reviews and spotted...

Quoted from mmmarnie I hope Don doesn't mind that I'm calling myself out as the writer here.  I asked him to put this in the "pisser" section not realizing he wasn't going to have one this time. I don't want to take reads away from the peeps who were able to finish theirs.

Ho hum. Guess I should've had a look through the comments before I read it as theyr'e kinda moot now.

Good luck with the feature.

R

Writer,

Read your comments after the fact and that is really too bad. I was thinking that this was one of the better entries I've read so far. You had tension, gore, mystery, suspense, etc. I'm serious too. I really liked it. And the other commenter is right: it probably would have worked if you just left it without Bridgette's last line of "dialogue. ". Oh well.

Nice effort anyway. Congrats on almost finishing!

Steve

I liked the idea here of someone inheriting land that is either cursed or has some devil or witchy stuff going on on it. The script read a little slow and had typos and such, but I still think it has great potential...Then I reached the end and I actually got mad.

Very decent until the end. I'm disappointed an incomplete script was entered.

Looking now at some of the other comments. Marnie!!!!!! WTH?????   ;D I'm gonna put a spell on you! From now on, whenever you go to a live concert, you will automatically be bent like a pretzel, like your avatar!!!  :P

I hope that spell works Pia! I'd be stoked if my body moved like that!  :D

Sorry - I goofed too - I'm sort of in the habit of reading the script before I check the comments so I don't get influenced. Slight WTF moment at her last lines, but they kinda made me laugh too. I liked it overall - it was slow paced, but I felt I got to know the characters a little more than in some scripts. It was going somewhere, but obviously needed a little more than ten pages to do it justice. Hope the longer piece works out.

Nooooooooooo! Marnieml - not happy!!! As I was getting through this I was thinking that out of all the contenders - this was it - this was going to be my vote. I loved where this was going, felt the eeriness and I was quite enjoying the read. I was connecting with the characters too. I really want to know what happened with Bridgette and why - this is a must read for when/if you finish this off.

Renee

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


The clearing

Hello!

Time to laugh-AAAEEEHahaha.

You get it across in a likeable way. Chapeau.

Yes it was good, very sensitive, setting, shots, images.
I liked your decision to take only 2+witch main characters. Actually it's the right decision. A fresh married pair is also thankful to characterize.

Story wise. You did easy things in the right way. That's mature storytelling.

Of course there are also problems with the both lovers. They actually would be more honest about each other. Starting with the skull-thing. Don't wake up the partner after all that happens in the night. Seeing the witch etc etc. It was clear with the end what the problem here is.

Damn, this flashlight image, this tension was coming here to me- This shot was brilliant.

You have also the witch who is not much in picture. This hide and seek game. Parallels to blair witch.

Enjoyed much. It is filmable.  Heavy that you had no ending, you seem to write from the start. Applause for pushing so far in quality within this obviously deadline-problem.

So...

I didn't read any of the comments here. I was totally on board up until the ending where you pulled the rug out from under me... and I was pissed. Very pissed. I wouldn't say I'm pissed now but certainly annoyed.

If I had written this, I wouldn't have submitted it. Honestly, I wish you hadn't. It's a cheat as is. I think you could've easily continued working on it and submitted it after the challenge at whatever length it came out.

Since then, I have read the comments and see you've addressed this whole thing. I appreciate that, understand, and sort of feel bad about how pissed I was.

Nevertheless, if you hadn't written the dialogue at the end and just ended with the hawk ripping off the dude's head, I don't think it would've worked either. This is flat out incomplete and you'd do well to finish it up proper. I think there's definitely a story here.

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsBznn8D13zOdGJValQtbHU1LUNPVWQzY0gzajRTTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

46. The Clearing by H.R. Pufnstuf - Horror - A woman inherits some land from a great grandmother she never knew and finds some things out about herself.
Brief -

Location(s)  - Truck interior, rural/wilderness road, forest clearing, swimable pond/lake, shed/outhouse
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
BRIDGETTE PETERSON, 30, pretty nerd
JOSH PETERSON, 35, L.L. Bean rugged
Antagonist(s)  -
OLD WOMAN, ??, scary, harsh features wearing all black
YOUNG GIRL
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural Horror Suspense, light. This is not a solid self contained story. It is a story segment, possibly an opening sequence or a scene from a greater story.
Comments  -  Don't underline the title on the tile page. I'd ditch that U-Haul to save an expense. Same for the dead pig. A large dead dog would be cheaper to fabricate. Having acted as general contractor for two homes, that's an interesting approach to marking out where the foundation pours are going to be. Ahem. Whatever. I'd rewrite that whole process differently. Adjacent swimable pond/lake is a limiting production factor. FWIW, although I don't care, a lot of readers despise -ly and -ing verbs, which forces you to do a cake walk around them. Beats me. I would probably have you rewrite out that swim scene as it just complicates the brevity in production. What would cost less: time-cost in scouting for a weathered outhouse - or - build it ourselves? Hmm... Delete the outhouse scene, replace with something else. Sorry about that ending. Um... This could be something, but it's probably nothing, so... not interested. A few props and SFX aside (that ripped-off head thing actually isn't that hard to do, the hawk thing is) this could be a fairly cost effective found-objects premise. But would require a page one rewrite to do so.
Script format - Needs work. Delete those last *NOTES* pages before submitting a PDF.
Final word - Nothing much salvageable.

$200 - 1,000           Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 10               Screenplay Pages
= $20 - 100          Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks -
Horror - Trying to be