Sun - part 1 by Emanuel Farhi - Series, Sci Fi, Fantasy - In the year 2067, the earth is powered by "Sons," miniature replicas of our sun that provide clean, solar energy to all of our technology. But when someone turns the Sons off, one man will do anything to fix them and bring back the power. 15 pages - pdf, format 8)

There were a few things that didn't come out in the descripton on two pages. Just some minor actions. Sorry about that. Hopefully it won't be hard to understand.

-Emanuel

Emanuel, you have many issues here.  I tried to get through the story but it was difficult.  Seems you need to do more research on how to format a screenplay.  If I was you I'd track down a copy of the script "Prometheus", then study it and try to emulate it.  It's a well-written script.  It used to be on this site but I can't find it now.   Just read other scripts.  "Good ones" and you'll see the mistakes you're making.  

On a positive note, you have quite an imagination.  All the best.

Edit:  As I look at your script again, the format isn't off too bad, it's just things are kinda... muddled.   Maybe try to write a simpler story.  

Hope this helps.

Code INT. SON ROOM - NIGHT We are in the most highly secured room of 2067. The walls are made of "sun metal," (doesn't melt). In the center of the room is a round ball of fire. A miniature sun with a radius no bigger that 10 feet. It is 10 million degrees Fahrenheit hot. The room is empty besides the ball of fire which is nicknamed "the son." The son becomes dark for a few seconds, then goes back to normal.

How do we know it is the most highly secured room? How do we know it is 2067? How do we know the walls are made of 'sun metal'? How do we know that sun metal cannot melt?

Why nickname a miniature sun as 'the son'? They both sound the same when read aloud. The son of a sun.

There is a lot wrong with what you've written... you should only write what we see on screen. Telling us it is a highly secured room isn't good enough, not even in prose would that be enough of a description. In a script you don't tell people things, you show them. You don't say the room is secured, you describe the room and its security.

Emanuel,

The previous posters mentioned the basic issues, so ill just mention a couple of specific points:

- based on the first paragraph and the subject matter, I think you should consider writing this as a short novel first. Something along the lines of Steven Baxter. If you did that I think you'd develop a rich world and characters which a screenplay could then be based on. Aside from having been already proven in the market one reason novels make good movies is that there is so much depth and background to pull from.

- I highly suggest you name and describe your technicians and officers. Right now they read as interchangeable faceless characters. They each need personality and a reason for existing g other than bodies on the screen.

- question, does this super important sun only power electronic devices? What about all the televisions and lights? How are they broadcasting and who are they broadcasting to in this power crises?

- small note: all of your characters start their sentences with "alright" and "ok". It gets humorous after as bit. Like when the officer misses the car with his missile and says "alright. That didn't work" I don't know if its intended but I can't help imagine that in a comedy buddy action flick.

Despite the comments you'll get, this could be a fun story and a really rich futuristic world. It's the kind of book I'd love to read.

Hi Emanuel,

If you want to write sci fi, you have to at least have an understanding of science.

When you break or bend simple rules, in the new world you create, you need a plausible well thought out explanation that you can show, as the reason for these things being possible.

Even a trashy sci fi film like 'The Core' had a super alloy called 'Unobtainium' (also mined in Avatar) and a clip where we are shown what a super alloy it is and why.

If we have to suspend too much disbelief, your sci fi world starts to melt faster than the metal that houses the son . . .

Kind Regards,

Eoin