We, The Strangers by Razi Haider (srazihaider) - Short, Drama - A prisoner of war returns back home, torn by killings he had done,he wants to kill himself, but decides to live for the only human he cares,his wife, but finds that she is pregnant from another man. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

I would put subtitles in if I were you.

I have uploaded a newer version. Were you able to go any further , please comment on the plot if it worked for you or not

Razi,

I liked the script. First, there are a lot of sentences that need periods at the end of them. I would go back and check spelling and grammar.

Second, I think that too much happened in 9 pages. I think that the whole plot fits a feature more than it does a 9 page short so I would cut out one of the sub plots and add more to the ones you didn't cut out.

Third, why does Malika suddenly decide to get an abortion? It was a very sudden change from her saying she's leaving faseeh and she's pregnant to she wants an abortion.

I hope that I helped.

-Emanuel

Thanks for liking the script, I will review the script again for the mistakes like missing fullstop. As I m making the movie myself I am not much worried about such mistakes but still it needs to be looked at.

The thing I m worried about is the plot and its pacing, as you have mentioned that a lot is happening in 9 pages which is worrying for me. Its planned to be a 16 to 20 min short. Do you  think that for a 20 min short its too much happening?

Faseeh and malika love each other, the first reaction she has is to run away from everyone, although in a Pakistani society she knows living alone as a pregnant woman would be really tough. The man who had made her pregnant has left her,so she chooses to stay, silent agreement between the faseeh and malika  is that she is not allowed to live in faseeh's house until she does not agree to abort the child.

I'm on it for you Razi....got your FB message. I'll email you notes tonight.

D

thanks dena

Hey Razi,

Just putting this out there...

You've been a member for 4 years now and have 45 post.

The majority of those post are for your own work.

I think the reason your work hasn't been getting any traction here is because you're not reading / reviewing other peoples work.

When peeps here see someone contributing to others work and not just their own, they tend to want to do the same for your work.

I'll bet that if you start putting some time into some reads, you'll see the same givin back to you.

Just a thought my friend.

Take care

Shawn.....><

u r 100% right on this!

its not that I don't read stuff , its only that I do not dare replying ... my mistake ... I would try to be more participating ... thanks for putting that out there

Hey Razi, see you commenting on scripts around here with some reviews that sound helpful so I thought I'd do you a solid and check this out.  I saw the title in your sig and was intrigued.

Your logline could use some work but it sounds like a story that would be filled with tension, conflict and strong emotion.  It's real fucked up sometimes, that men go away into the military, get stationed somewhere, are away for long periods of time, and there is that very real chance that their wife or girlfriend is finding companionship with another person -- even ending up pregnant.  It sucks.  It really does.

I opened up We, the Strangers, and 5 pages in, I'm dropping out.  Disappointed, this is not what I was expecting at all.  Typos, formatting issues, OTN dialogue, weird-ass scenes that are just hard to comprehend.  I'm going to read the rest of the thread now to see what others thought.

Hey Reaper , thanks for the read ...I owe you one do let me know if you have any shorts online, I would definitely give it a read.

The story deals with a devastating time in world's history when Vietnam War was going on , at the same time Pakistan lost a war to India and as a result 90,000 Pakistani Soldiers became prisoner of war.

During that Time Pakistani Army killed their own people, so their are a number of conflicts ,

1) an inner conflict : Faseeh feels guilty to kill innocent people , so he wants to kill himself.
2) Inter-personal conflict : Faseeh finds out his wife is pregnant from another man , so he forgives her .. so that he does not live alone.
3) The wife wants the baby but agrees to abort it...
4) Exta-personal conflict : In Pakistan its not allowed to abort a child, so he has to go to an illegal abortion clinic to get it done

Quoted Text I opened up We, the Strangers, and 5 pages in, I'm dropping out.  Disappointed, this is not what I was expecting at all.  Typos, formatting issues, OTN dialogue, weird-ass scenes that are just hard to comprehend.  I'm going to read the rest of the thread now to see what others thought.

I am not a native, and the script actually was not written in English, I have translated it to get some feedback on the plot. so I would agree for the typos and the formatting issues, but would not call the dialogue OTN , as I have tried not to expose information through dialogue until there is a natural need.

I have re-written another draft, let me know if it if this one reads better.

Revision 3 :
http://www.scribd.com/doc/181806107/We-the-strangers-draft3

Quoted from razi During that Time Pakistani Army killed their own people, so their are a number of conflicts , 1) an inner conflict : Faseeh feels guilty to kill innocent people , so he wants to kill himself. 2) Inter-personal conflict : Faseeh finds out his wife is pregnant from another man , so he forgives her .. so that he does not live alone. 3) The wife wants the baby but agrees to abort it... 4) Exta-personal conflict : In Pakistan its not allowed to abort a child, so he has to go to an illegal abortion clinic to get it done

This may be true, but I feel that you didn't convey them strongly enough.  In my opinion, many of your scenes were super confusing and very frustrating to read.  I tried to give you a second chance with your other works, but I found myself coming to the same conclusion and dropping out pretty early on.  Sorry, man.  Your style just doesn't gel with me.

I wonder if it its you or the plot actually is crap.. If you have seen any of the works of Ingmar bergman, do u enjoy it or not? He is my inspiration...if his movies bore u too .. I would not worry much.. but if u like his work ... I would have to think for a serious re-write