Cadillac and Parker by Elijah Kay (ekay14) - Series, Comedy - Two socially defective college freshman Cadillac, whose obsession with cats borders on the erotic, and Parker, whose drive to become an incredible athlete simply doesn't match the body god gave him, attempt to win the hearts of the two attractive girls on their hall. 22 pages - pdf, format 8)

Cadillac and Parker, Ep.2- "The Party" by Elijah Kay (ekay14) - Series, Comedy - After a catastrophic attempt at dating, Cadillac and Parker attempt to embark on a night of debauchery with some help from their good friend, DeAndre. 19 pages - pdf, format 8)

Against my better judgement: I like it. It's definitely got a American Pie - The Big Bang Theory - Scrubs feel to it. Though it's a bit weirder than all three from the get go: with Cadillac's obsession with cats + the pretty outrageous connotations of the end. The story set up was nothing new, two geeky oddjob outcasts trying to be like everyone else. I personally think that subsequent episodes would be much better if the pair got more deranged as the series continued: the weirdness is the appeal to me.  

Quick notes on spelling (I know, I know. It sucks being corrected on tiny things, but hey)

EAN RICHARDS
Why cat’s? (should be just: cats)

DEAN RICHARDS
No, Cadillac! They’re human. Cats
have four legs, hunt mice and die
before their 15. (should be 'die before they're 15)

As I said, make it weirder. I don't want to see these characters make it as ladies men, I want to see them become so strange that even the regular outcasts are like 'hell no.'

Last note: give some more character to the secondary cast, they're just stereotypes right now.

Elijah,

I liked this for the most part. I'm more a feature screenplay guy, and I don't know if the same format rules apply, but I'll give you what I noticed.

I thought this was a very slow read. Your action blocks should be down to three lines, maxing out at four. So you need to find a way to cram your exposition in without it seemed strained. That should tighten up the read a lot. Also, your montage sequence had two separate blocks, but I think each one had about two or three separate scenes in each. You could have labelled it A to E, got in all your scenes, and got out quick. The way it is just appears too clunky. Again, slowing down the read.

I like your two protags. They're a couple likeable guys really. However, the one thing that really bothered me was Cadillacs attraction to cats. Weird? Not quite. It goes into beastiality territory, and I don't think it works. A girl dressed as a cat is one thing, but actual cats having sex and he is masturbating? Sheesh! You gotta think about marketability here. Who's gonna want to buy this with a quirk like that? I'd change it to something less, umm, abnormal? I do like that he has a fascination with cats. That's kinda funny. But I think it just goes too far.

Your supporting characters could be fleshed out some. I like the love interest angle on Chrissy and Missy. And I think where you succeed big time is with Deandre. He was written well, his description was short and to the point and I got a good feel as to exactly who he was. Good job there. IMO, he might be the best written character in this piece.

All in all, not bad. I wish you the best with it and will be looking for more. Good luck.

Steve

Thanks for all your feedback, I'm taking all your input into account as I make revisions.

You both brought up a point about the flatness of the secondary characters and I couldn't agree more. I was thinking of making Dean Richards driven towards alcoholism due to Cadillac and Parker's crazy antics and Chrissy and Missy more like bitchy and manipulative girls, who just use Cadillac and Parker for their intelligence. I'd like to leave DeAndre as is.

I know Cadillac's thing with cats is a little too much, and I was thinking of making it a little less sexual, especially in the first scene, but definitely make it an obsession.

The description lines should be shorter, thanks, still learning.  :K)

Thanks for all your advice, let me know if you have more!

Elijah