The Melting Pot by Trey - Series, Comedy - The whacky antics of a restaurants crew and their hilarious manager. 42 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi, Trey.

On the first page alone, I've already noticed many, many mistakes. For starters, you tell us the 'camera FOLLOWS--'. Camera directions are up to the director and the producers. Unless you're shooting this yourself, take them out.

'TINA(early-20's), super-energetic but a little naive, as she
WALKS(almost skips) through the resturant-- suddenly
interrupted---'

You misspelt 'restaurant', despite it being on being correctly spelled in the slug. Did you even double check this? She either walks or she skips. The last section doesn't make sense. Surely, the sentence should end on 'restaurant' and then you should say, on a new sentence 'she is suddenly interrupted --'. Leave spaces between your words and the opening brackets too. It just looks more presentable.

Then you use about 7 parentheses on the first page alone. Only use parentheses if you absolutely have to. Most of the things like 'appalled' are portrayed through the acting anyway.

'A black SUDAN' - Did you mean 'a black SEDAN'? I'm not familiar with the world of cars so I may be wrong.

'but he can be a little awkward' - Unfilmable. You're not even presenting us with a situation where we can see that he can be a little awkward.

I'm sorry, but when I've noticed this many things wrong with the script on the first 2 pages, it really doesn't bode well and I think I'm gonna stop there.

Hope this helped.