The Pizza Guy by Phantom Screenwriter - Short, Comedy -  Ever had a day at work where everything goes wrong? Not like the Pizza Guy you haven't! The next time something goes wrong at your workplace take a deep breath, smile and say to yourself "At least I'm not the Pizza Guy". 16 pages - pdf, format 8)

OK.

First off, that's not much of a logline. Loglines are supposed to sum up the story. The one you've written sounds like some tacky ad you'd hear on the radio.

Surely 'Pizza Guy' and 'Manager' aren't the names on their birth certificates. You may as well give them names. Pizza Guy just sounds pretty dumb IMO.

Some bits are slightly overwritten. The following example also shows a bit of telling instead of showing.


'The workers finish for the night as a happy couple leave with their freshly cooked pizza inside a square-shaped cardboard box.'


Don't tell us the workers finish for the night. Instead describe things like how the shutters on the windows are half down, or the chairs are stacked on top of the tables. Stuff like that.

If the couple are leaving a pizza parlour with a box, presumably they're gonna have a freshly cooked pizza inside it, so you don't really need to tell us that. Similarly to the 'freshly cooked pizza', you won't need to describe the shape of the box. Common sense dictates it's gonna have to be square to fit a pizza inside of it. Just say how the couple leave with their pizza.


On the last half of the first page, it just seems so "is that it?". The manager invites him to take a seat. This suggests to the audience that a long and important utterance is gonna follow. But instead, he only says about 3 sentences. Was sitting down even worth it for the Pizza Guy? The Manager also seems like the average, boring manager. Maybe some further explanation from the manager that actually gives him character would be a good way to go. Perhaps he could rant about his wife wanting to go for dinner? Something like that.

That's all I got on the first page. I'll maybe expand further if others don't. Hope this helped.

Lee

Hey Phantom;

Ya, this thing pretty much reads like an After School Special, but you put it out there for feedback so...

I think Levon's already given the heads up on some of the immediate issues, so I won't linger.

One thing that I noticed is, or didn't notice for that matter, is attention to detail where it's applicable.

For e.g. this dude racing against the clock appears to be an important factor moving this script forward, but the 'Time' detail seems to get buried in the generalization of the story;

He gets off and checks the back wheel to find out that the
tyre is flat. He checks his watch which now reads 7:50pm.

Where the face of the watch should not be an indecisive factor for direction, as in;

CLOSE ON WATCH: 7:50

Then again, you don't want to give too much direction, just ensure you let the reader know what they should be feeling anxiety about... the messed up pizza, or the time.

I guess, in this case it's both. BTW; I've never had a Fireball Pizza... that's sounds nasty.

Hope this helps you in some way, take care.