The Ultimate Weapon by Bill Sarre (Reef Dreamer) - Short - A dying patient with an unusual story tries to explain to his doctor why he should fear the ultimate weapon. - pdf, format 8)

The Man in the balaclava? Who is is this? Is it Abe before he was locked up? Monkeys?

Apart from being confused at the bits above, I liked it and I felt for Abe but for me it was just a bit confusing. I dare say if I read it again it might make more sense but I don't have the time as I want to get my through as many OWC as I can.

Congrats on getting a 15 pager in the OWC. One of the few thus far I've seen that went the full 15. Overall, I thought this was a decent effort, aside from a few grammar choices here and there. I think some of this rambled on a bit, and I guess I was hoping for something more. The notion of killing opponents in the past to alter the future has been done in numerous films and shows like Terminator, Trancers and most recently, Looper. But here we have BOTH sides of a war eliminating the other side in the past as suggested by the main protag. I don't know if I'm fully onboard with this - the premise comes off as something more grand and interesting than what is actually written in the short. It's one of those shorts that over-explains, yet deserves a bigger story, if that makes sense.

I really liked this and the ending was a nice fit.

The only thing that really held me up was that by page 10 I was starting to wonder when more action and less talking was going to happen.

I think if the talking was cut a little in the middle there would be more room to add just a bit more about the future Abe was trying to stop.

That's my only real beef with this though. All in all, it was a good story. :)

Renee

Finding this one very talky-talky at the moment and I'm skipping parts of it. VO, dream sequences... seems to be a theme with time travel scripts.

Code ABE Future wars are going to be fought in time. It’s the final race to the bottom as they go back killing more and more from the past.

That's impossible. Logistically. Wars are not started by people they are started by economic climate. The system forces us into war.

Not one for me this one... seems a confused mass of not very much at all. No story. Lots of exposition, otn dialogue.

Not much to say... thought this was kinda bland...


---Steve

Writer,

Pg 1: a saloon pulls up? No idea what that means?

I have a bit of a problem with your dialogue. It seems a bit on the nose, and Simon doesn't really speak much like a doctor. He just seems curious about Abe, just playing the game, as you say. So far, I'm just not buying into it.

Pg 9: his body goes taught should be taut -- just a little
Nitpick there.

Ok well, not sure about this one. Cool twist near the end, I gotta admit. But this whole piece suffers from unnecessary exposition. I really feel this could have been trimmed by two pages. There seems to be so much set up that just kinda bets boring. I stuck with it, yes, but some peeps won't and that's too bad. Tighten up your action, re think some of your dialogue, and make this baby clearer. It's not bad by any means.

Good job on entering!

Steve

Probably the most well written entry so far. Didn't find a lot of mistakes, easy to read. Only one thing which is stopping me from really enjoying the story. I'm still not sure who the man in the TW facility was. Was that Simon or Abe?

It's structured in such a way that I really can't figure it out, really, only if it was Abe would it seem logical. This doctor who's probably heard a million dead end stories from psychos suddenly believes that a war is going to come? The Kingdom thing didn't help the argument either, sounds like some childish cartoon faction. Without hard solid proof, even I'd think he's crazy.

The dialogue got worse as the story went on, too much exposition like all the entries. But it was to be expected when you were dealing with time travel.

Far from a bad entry though, good stuff.

As I go...

Right off the bat, the title page seems to be centered incorrectly.  Is the left margin also off in the script proper?  Hmmm, not sure, but IMO, this looks to be off a bit.

Opening Slug - a dream sequence that's labeled as such to start?  Not a good way to go, IMO.

This opening dream sequence is so cliche.  The way you end it is shows that it's not properly formatted either - you shouldn't include "DREAM SEQUENCE" in your actual Slug, because what would happen if this dream sequence lasted more than just 1 Slug?  You get me?

A "saloon" in AZ?  Really?

"he parks up" - ????  I have a feeling this is a Brit writing about AZ and some words and phrases don't work here, like you think they do.

Page 2 - "Even then, not sure how." - Awkward and confusing.

Not sure why you inserted the University Research Center scene, as it's very confusing wedged in between Dr. Simon's scenes at the Medical Clinic, or are the 2 places nearby?  One and the same?  I'm confused.

Page 5 - The talking heads are getting quite dull.  This scene has gone on way too long without any interesting visuals.

The Flashback on Page 5/6 seems odd and unnecessary.  Is this Riverbank also in AZ?

Oh boy...and we immediately go into a dream sequence from the Flashback?  I think that's a problem and would be a disaster if filmed that way.

Page 7 - OK, so now we finally go back to the man in the black balaclava scene.  That was 5 pages ago and at first, you showed such a quick scene here.  It won't work like this on film and doesn't work on paper either.  It's like this scene froze for 5 minutes and is just now thawing out and starting back up.

Wait...now we find out this is Abe and it's actualy another Flashback that's not labeled as such?  And Simon is hearing this firsthand from Abe now?  No...not correctly done. Not even remotely close to how you'd write this properly.

I'm sorry, but I've had enough.  I can't continue and my interest has diminished to the point where I no longer care what happens or why.

The writing is a huge problem here.  The structure is a huge problem here.  Neither are working for me and I'm out.

Congrats for finishing a script in this tough OWC challenge.

Yeah you don’t have to point out the beginning and end of a dream sequence. For example, Abe waking up bathing in sweat tells us it’s a dream or a memory.

I thought Jane was serious when she said he was a Time Traveller. Maybe make it a bit more obvious she’s being sarcastic.  

The dialogue seems clunky, awkward in parts and on the nose. Trying saying some of the longer dialogue out loud and you’ll see what I mean.

Saying that though I enjoyed reading this. I do think it would take more for Abe to persuade Simon he was from the future, after all Simon deals with crazy all the time. But still I liked the story and loved the ending, it did touch me on an emotional level and was quite a beautiful image at the end.  

Well done on the story and congratulations on your OWC entry.

I enjoyed this one although maybe less dialogue between Simon and Abe would help. You explained twice why he was sick on page 3 then on 6.
You also spelt soldier wrong a few times.

Overall I thought the writing was pretty good and an good entry.

Well done

Mark

First read of the OWC and so far so good. I could echo some of the other reviewers and say that the dialogue in spots was OTN but that's going to happen from time to time especially when given 7 days or in this case 10 days to write it. I try to let dialogue and action take me out of the story and just read for the plot and I have to say that things were fine with me. Had that Terminator feel to it with lazers in the dream sequence. The dialogue did however go on a bit long, probably could trim it back a couple pages.

I liked the ending and I agree with Mark Renshaws review above, beautiful image at the end.

Congrats on completing the OWC. Well done.

To everyone who is confused:

The man in black is Simon.  

The scenes with the Simon in black at the University were happening because Simon finally believed what Abe was telling him.  They were a flash sideways so to speak.

To the writer:

There wasn't much showing things in the past affecting the future.  Sure there was this time traveler guy at some mysterious Army base talking about some future war between the "Kingdoms", but there wasn't any resolution to his plight.

Simon recorded video of some dead monkeys and uploaded it to YouTube, but we never saw how that affected things.  

I hardly think finding two conflicting news reports would be enough evidence for a doctor to risk his life in order to prevent some "time travelers" future war.  There should be more convincing evidence.

Kudos for doing your research about Arizona.

This is definitely a British writer due to the saloon/sedan mix up.  Unless that was thrown in there in order to make us think you're British, but you're really from Arizona, and you just want us to think you're British.  But if this is THE guy from Arizona, then you probably knew we would think you're just trying make us think you're British but we would know you're not British and you would know we would know that, so...

...my brain hurts.

Jordan

All I can say is that "this guy from AZ" didn't write anything for this OWC.

And, yes, my brain is hurting as well...

Ugh, I typed a lot on the thread and then.. the power shortage happened.

I liked it.
As I finished reading:
I don't understand Abe's talk on p4 about the two Kingdoms.
THen on p6-7 there are two river bank scenes - the flashback and dreamsequence. And you started with the river bank dream sequence. I know you want the first image be the same as yuor closing scene but I don't see the reason for it at all.

I don't think you need to keep any of your dream sequences. And the river bank could be out the window - just a thought.

Overall, I really liked it. THe ultimate weapon thought is very nice. ANd what you have here is very atmospheric.
I don't think you need the shot of deformed monkeys - it kind of stands on the way of understanding your short.
You're saying that people from the future go back and kill each other by using killing gas etc - that makes sense but that could be presented a bit clearer.

I understood it just fine on the first read. Actually I quite liked it - it's my fav out of big scale shorts in this OWC - you kept me reading and I really appreciate the idea.

Holy Hannah - so far, THIS is the best script I've read in this OWC!

Strong, tight professional writing.  An actual Cassandra complex (a criteria which most of the scripts have completely ignored.)  Were there tons of twists in this?  No - it was pretty straightforward, especially for anyone familiar with the time travel genre.  But this story was simple, poignant and it just worked.  Wow. Kudos.  (The stream analog with Abe becoming part of it and able to look back.  Nice unexpected little touch.) Also nice: I've always wanted a family, but you're beginning to put me off.

Two minor critiques.  Taut vs. taught.  And Phials?  (Although, that might be a language thing.)

That aside, my hat's off to this writer.  Well done.  :)

“A saloon” Must be a Brit.

“DOCTOR SIMON” Found this strange – is his surname Simon? I’ve never heard a Doctor refer to themselves by their first name is all.

“fit.” There are a lot of fit men parading around these OWC’s. :o

“walks towards a sign” Is there only a sign? Or is Doctor Simon actually walking into a building.

“SIMON’S OFFICE” Now I’m inclined to think Simon is his first name.

Try not to repeat your slug in the action if possible. Just a thought.

Why is Jane leaving in a stealthy manner? Maybe she’s Catwoman at night. ;D

“under the wire” You have to wonder why they would make such a tall fence when it’s so easy for someone to crawl under it. ;D

“I was to wait for others.” This seems a bit odd – nobody has ever survived the travel and he’s on a bit of a time limit considering he’s dying and he’s told to just wait… those are the orders! I just find this strange is all.

“Any idea how he’s dying?” I’m actually getting a little confused. For starters, should a Doctor be asking a nurse this question? Then, it hits me that I’m not sure what kind of clinic this is? Is this just a general run of the mill army clinic or a specialized one, possibly psychiatric but if he’s dying, wouldn’t they move him to try and save his life. Do psychiatric clinics have the equipment necessary (obviously they don’t but they don’t know that for sure) Maybe I’m just over thinking things – I have a habit of doing that.

“Probably a trauma” Is this right? Wouldn’t this be obvious, but you probably don’t mean “blunt” and more psychological – would that kill someone?

“TW stands for time warp.” Would they really be that open?  I mean, surely they get a few curious people asking “what does TW stand for?””

“We’ll try to make you comfortable” Oh geez, Doc, try to be a little encouraging at least.  :P

“Doctor Simon! Room four is having
problems.”

And why are you here on your night off? What’s with all the black? Did you break into a research facility?

I don’t understand why you would go straight to your office where
there are probably cameras and so on after you’ve broken an entry.

“my children with
the story about you and your
delusions.”

Did he really just say that! :o

I couldn’t really get into this one. I had Terminator on my mind throughout which probably didn’t help, but this one felt so repetitive – very scene played out the same.

The Doctor speaks to Abe and gets told about a horrible future while we see snippets of a MAN in a balaclava breaking into a research centre… easily I might add.

Abe’s not bad as a character and probably saves this one from being a total turkey, but Doctor Simon or Simon wasn’t that great, he had no depth and wasn’t interesting in the slightest. His actual reason for starting to believe Abe is that he wants to start a family someday, but he then goes on to tell Abe (on his last breath) that he we will share Abe’s delusional story with his kids one day… Ouch!

His dialogue with the nurse (probably should cap her on first appearance) or Jane is also laughable at times, that this felt like it could be Carry on Doctor.

The writing isn’t bad, it read fast other than a few awkward lines and was a little inconsistent at times.

The premise is good, much like the Terminator, and I like the idea here but it just becomes too repetitive and your main character is without a solid goal or personality for that matter. Being a man in his position, I think he needs more persuading.

And that’s another thing, Abe is on a ticking clock, his character would be so much better if he wasn’t just lying in a bed, be great to see him escape and then persuade the good Doctor after they’ve built up a rapport.

Anyway, nice idea but the execution was all wrong IMO.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

Starts off pretty well, the Nurse's dialogue made me smile. At the start I was reminded of Terminator 2. A few pages in and I'm getting that sense again.

The talk between the doctor and Abe is getting a bit long. I might be little short on patience at the mo, but I thought it might work better if it was split over two scenes.

It seems a bit too reminscent of Linda Hamilton's Sarah talking to Dr. Silberman. Come to think of it, the dream sequences are also a bit T2 too. But, there's a lot of other stuff going on here as well.

I'm sure Google will be pleased with the plug. With the Youtube too. Other providers are available...

Overall it's well written with some good ideas. My grumpiness at the long chats I'd say as exposition makes me uncomfortable, which I think is the main problem here. If we're gonna have flashbacks then something about the kingdoms might have helped. However, it's pretty well done. One of the more interesting efforts.

Fine script. Very accurate.

There are a lot of things in here which are criticized in screenwriting most times: VO's, flashbacks, dream sequences, much dialogue...
But here it fits to the script and seem to be the best way for the structure.
There's a dark tone and a good scene composition with the three main locations. The believability of the whole scenario works for me. The most inventions of humanity are firstly used for war, unfotunately. Like splitting of atom etc...
So the future kingdoms use time travel to kill their enemies in the past. To show that entirely, of course, there wasn't enough space on 15 pages. So, you decided to focus on Abe and his try to prevent the discovery of time travel.

All good. The only point is: that the character's Simon and Abe are much of a team, not very 3 dimensional. They show up the same sensibility partly, and Simon seems to accept very quick Abe's story. No problem, at all, because it's also nice to see how they team up within this dark situation.

Feels like someone written in his "home genre" now ;-)
Maybe even a premise for feature. These whole kingdom stuff and fantasy/scifi mix up seem to be up to date with Narnia/ and Avatar and so on. It would differ in case of more realistic war, darker tone at all... time travelling etc.

Thumb up.

Pg 2 Small nitpick really, but “Jane slinks” doesn’t seem to fit the character or the situation.

References to these two playing along and pretending are taking me out of the read. Playing along with what? It makes me feel like I should know more than I do. And how would I know he's pretending, other than you telling me? (I guess Simon’s just placating him the whole time. My problem becomes, I don’t think Abe would be so dense as to not see that or mention it).

Cutting back to the research center is a nice touch. It keeps the tension up. But it might also help to add something to Simon and Abe’s scenes that keeps it from being a guy on a bed the whole time. Is there a game room, or a courtyard one of these scene’s could take place in?

Pg 13 “re-reads the word ARSON” This is awkward. From my perspective, when did he read it the first time?

This was a pretty strong entry, but I’m not convinced that uploading a video to Youtube is all that’s needed to change the future. I also thought Simon’s change of heart needed more weight. Overall I thought this was written and structured well, with an intriguing story.

Good job and congrats on the OWC

I enjoyed this one, overall. I was really disappointed that you gave it a happy ending. I was hoping for a more "12 Monkeys"-he's-stuck-in-a-time-loop-and-dies-over-and-over- forever kind of ending instead. Grammatical and spelling issues aside, it was too talky, but that usually seems to happen in first drafts.

B-.

I liked this one overall. Some problems here & there with the writing, but nothing major.

I was a bit wordy in places re. the dialogue, and I think Dr Si could have been more disbelieving of Abe, but then forced to concede Abe was telling the truth instead of wanting to believe him - bit more conflict, as that would ahve helped Dr to come across as less bland.

Nice bit of mis-direction with the early TW scenes.

I also like the suggestion of the wars in the background without ever having shown them. Not too sure the utube upload was the most impactful ending, but the principle of the sick man on his death-bed and the Dr struggling to end these wars worked for me. Good stuff.

Congratulations on completing a script, this one held my attention although in the end it's not one of my favorites.  By the end I realized I didn't like any of the characters and found the reliance on the images of children and flowers somewhat contrived.  However this is a very worthy entry and I sincerely admire the effort.

Cerebral. Poetic. Different take on time travel, with dreams.

This was a nice change. A more scientific approach. It's interesting you chose a prisoner as a time traveller. If it's a risky procedure, maybe scientists would test the technology on inmates. This opens an intriguing can of worms. Should scientists trust prisoners to behave themselves while traveling? Maybe you could elaborate on this dilemma more.

I thought you missed the mark with the virus element.  Maybe I missed something.  But when he is sent back with a virus, bio-weapon I thought,  cool. But not contagious.  Not cool. This would be an interesting idea to explore. He's dying from virus. That is contagious and can infect the enemy. Another nice touch could be taking off the mask to smell, risking spreading virus when he doesn't want to.

The man in black. I thought he was another time traveller. Nice twist that it was doctor, now convinced. Nice time shifting. Another nice touch was the idea that if you travel in the time stream, you become a part of it. Also interesting that dreams are connected, as well as memories to former timelines. Some heady stuff that leans towards philosophical dissection. I thought it was poetic that his dream changed because history was altered. So he is aware of future / past in his dreams.

I liked that the report on the fire changed. Maybe add photo with text. Reminds me of Back to the future, and his family photo fading. It's a good visual representation of the causal changes. Some of these elements mentioned could be better once you rewrite the voice over. It can add flavour if done right and help explain just enough when required.

I think you could allude to the concept of living dreams in death earlier. Ease us in with this concept.  If I'm reading it right. If he lives his dreams in death, then his would be hell.

Dark stuff. Good job on the whole. Made me think.

Decent effort, this one.

I liked the writing. Vivid but to the point. It flows quite nicely but not without creating some strong cinematic imagery along the way that linger after the script is over. No grammar issues or excessive liberties taken with the format either.

Overall, tight, effective, and refreshing. Kudos.

I'd change the name of the car on page one though. I had to Google saloon to confirm it is indeed a type of car. Maybe I'm just an idiot though.

As for the story, I did like the central concept. The setup and images early on peeked my interest. The dialogue could use some work. Lots of exposition for one thing. But it didn’t get on my nerves and kept me interested, for the most part.

As the story went on though, I started to get a little restless. The dialogue seems to be the driving force of the and while the dream sequences are moody and ominous, even surreal, they get to be pretty repetitive.  It’s not until the animals and the twist ending that we really get any curveballs.

I did like the twist though. Nicely done. I would’ve gone with a name other than MAN though.

I think you could’ve taken this one further. You might try building on some of these dream sequences. I think they could be even darker, stranger, and more exacting. The script seems to ride on Abe’s testimony and the notion of “war is hell” more than anything and while the images are strong, I think you could make them more varied and dynamic and not so heavily reliant on what the characters say. At least have them change a little over the course of the story.

Not bad, overall. Definitely has potential. A little work could make it great.

Thanks all.

I appreciate this needs some work. You should have seen the version the day before posting!!

I had an idea that a sick man is forced into the machine as a test, bound to die, and comes out the other side.  But I couldnt get it to work.

My favourite idea was that of a noble fighter, badly wounded, going back in time to save the warrior kingdom only to be the first person to get through and be CURED in the process. Once back he decides he is due a new life and buggers off (walks way for non Brits). Again I loved this idea but I couldnt get it to work. Maybe next time.

I suppose the end result was a mix of them.

So far I can't work out whether to spend time on this one. One to ponder.

Cheers

The Ultimate Weapon

Not a bad entry here, the juxtaposition of visuals were intoxicating.  I could tell the scenes were thought out because they were well placed in structure.  Writing was good.  I liked the whole interview aspect to it, although I think Simon gave in a little too easy.  Or got in a little too easy.  Either way, I never sensed the urgency in the plot even with huge stakes.

The ending was different because it actually makes you wonder what we are perceiving.  I've read some endings where folks say it's meant to be polarizing, or open to interpretation.  This one is actually effective.

Johnny

Hi Bill,
    Congrats on the news.  I hope you win it.  I read the story, twice and both times, I really enjoyed it.  I think it is a story that has so much going on that you have to read it twice, or more.

I wanted to make a few observations:

1.  Unless I am wrong, at the beginning, both Simon and Jane think he's nuts, and not really from the future.  They are merely humoring him.  

2.  For some reason, Simon begins to believe him.  Most likely from the bad dreams.  And that leads Simon down the path he chooses.

A few things:
1.  I wish you would spend more time talking about the relationship between Simon and Abe, why Simon starts to believe him.  Something that he witnesses or some other random luck occurrence.  

2.  Why is 40 old in Abe's time?  You talk a lot about him being weak and frail.  Why?

3.  I LOVE the misdirect.  Everyone will think it's Abe doing the cloak and dagger, and the Simon reveal is very clever.  I'd also like for the reveal to see some evidence of early time travel, perhaps half a carcass or something.

4.  I'd think an office building running something like that would have a lot more high-tech security, but, since Simon isn't a real soldier, perhaps that's for the best.

5.  It would be really cool if Simon and Abe are related, somehow...

I really enjoyed it as u can tell.  

Thanks Dan.

I'll try to get around to your sci fi  series, but give me a few days.

Turning to your points;

1) yes. In many ways the story is about bonding and trust, something which develops with time and knowledge

2) largely this comes from the shared interest in the army, but simon earns Abe's respect out of his selflessness, just trying to help. The final trigger point is that simon discovers its a cover up.

Your other points

1) perhaps if I had more time

2) he's frail because he's ill - chemical attack

3) thanks. One idea in this script is that there is no others evidence. If the others had arrived war would have broken out so there is a bit of a race against the clock

4) it has extra security but you have to rememeber they haven't made the big discoveries yet, so they don't know. A theme of the script is the problems with secrecy.

5) may be in a bigger script, but here I just like the suggested family paralles, ie they both come from fighting stock.

Thanks for the read.