Sunstorm: Australia's First Line of Defense by 0 - Short - When Australia faces its biggest threat, they turn to their best asset… Sunstorm. - pdf, format 8)

Not sure if it's possible to have more cheese with that title. ;D

Mel Gibson, yeah, okay.

First paragraph reads poorly. You even call him Tommy later on.

Okay, I'll admit Potts' is a pretty funny dude.

"Oh, bollocks it" Don't think I've ever heard an Australian say that. ;D

Why do they have shitty computers from the 1980s when I assume they're now in present time, hence the 'back in 09' comment?

"SUNSTORM
Page count..."  ;D

"RIP them to shreds." Oh, man. ;D ;D

Besides the first page, this wasn't bad. Writing was pretty solid as well. A few good moments here and there but not as funny as it was trying to be. I think I know who wrote this. A solid effort, good job.

I was all excited about this. You know, Aussie and all, lol.

But I think the author lost control of it. It's meant to be a comedy, it isn't that funny. And it's so-so as an action piece.

I dunno, it has a couple of funny lines, and the actual writing is fine. It just doesn't do much.

Difficult reading. I'm about half way through and completely lost as to what's going on. I think there is too much happening. I prefer things easy.

As I go...

Definitely seems to be a pisser, or at least a pisser-like-comedy.  I'm actually kind of laughing along with the "voice over guy".  I don't like the "eager backpacker" and "chubby backpackler" naming, but whatever...no wait...I think it takes away from the humor in an odd way.

The writing's actually quite good so far.  I'm in...

Page 3 - The writing's good still, but I'm starting to see what I call "too much voice".  The read's getting more difficult, the sentences more and more abstract and "literary".

Yeah, the writing has gone from nice and fairly tight and technical to aside, unfilmable Heaven.  I'm not liking this now...let's see if I can continue...

Page - 4  Now we've got full on cheese, but I'm pretty sure this is your intention, so I understand.  "For Australia's standards" - FUNNY...which shows this kind fo writing can be effective and can also be annoying.  Just depends on the reader.

Page 7 - Hopefully, this is intended as humor or parady, and for that, it works, I think.  Some truly funny lines that are well thought out and well placed.  Problem is, I'm losing interest even though it's written well.  I'm almost at the point of skimming.  We'll see...

Some awkwardly worded lines here.

"names" - "name's"

OK, done.  I did skim near the end, but I do want to say, I think the writing's great here for the most part.  It's a bit too wink wink for me, but I see definite talent.

Even the story itself is well done and the bookended "voice over guy" is well done.

Congrats on a very well concieved and produced entry for this difficult OWC.

Hi,

Eager and Chubby?  Come on now...

Pg 3: nice into into the karaoke bar. Funny stuff. Sunstorm sound like a cleaned up "Dude. "

Pg 4:should the bar fight have been a montage?  I think so. Actually maybe not. Sorry.

I like the way this reads. An action/comedy here. Liking the dialogue, liking the action, love Sunstorm. Cool
Character.  I liked the in jokes about page count, but thought you only needed to say that once. Twice is overkill and not funny. Didnt like the voice over guy breaking the fourth wall. Thought it was totally unnecessary. Other than that, yeah, I got a few chuckles out of this and I dug the action sequences.

A pretty good effort here! Congrats on entering!

Steve

Have to say that usually I don't like a lot of the 'Aussie take off' kind of things, but I quite enjoyed this one. Which is funny, because on page one, I didn't think I was going to.

Yeah, there are parts that are 'yobbo', but they were more in the vein of Croc Dundee, than trashie. And I like Croc Dundee (not the 3rd one - that was'try hard' territory)

SUNSTORM (O.S.)
Where do they hire you bozos? - I liked this scene - thought it was better that the 'actor jumps from the roof of the elevator and kicks everyones ass' scene we've seen time and time again.

All in all - I think you did a good job with the characters and dialogue. This was an enjoyable little piece. It was a lot of fun to read.

Good job:)

Renee

Hi,

I started reading this but noticed this:
"Tommy, stop pissing around" is on the first page. Then the Narrator says "I'm just a Voice Over guy" and I immediately thought it might be a pisser.

Now, it might as well not be but I don't want to waste my time. And I don't like these. So, just in case, I'll put it away.

If it is indeed a pisser thanks for laying out clues.

Cool title

One thing I never get in an OWC... when anyone writes a comedy it's automatically labelled a pisser by some peeps, which indicates that the writer didn't really try.
Do some peeps realize that "comedy" is actually a genre?

what I'm saying is... I enjoyed this for a week's work and it breaks up  the monotony of a few confusing non comedic scripts.
It had interesting characters, an action story and was straight to the point AND followed the parameters.

I enjoyed it.
Well done

Mark

Quoted from irish eyes One thing I never get in an OWC... when anyone writes a comedy it's automatically labelled a pisser by some peeps, which indicates that the writer didn't really try.Do some peeps realize that "comedy" is actually a genre?Mark

Good point, Mr. Mark...good point.

As the Ausssies know by now, I tned to missuse the phrase, "pisser".  To me, a true pisser is definitely attempting to be funny, in an over the top, redonkulous way.

Like all the pathetic Sharknado movies.  Those are complete, full on pissers.

Hey, I'm weird...odd sense of humor. Pissers are funny toi me when done well...or just done by me.   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

This was a well written entry and pisser or not, a solid, entertaining script, IMO.

Comedy is a genre, Mark - it's my favorite too. The thing is - pissers are written only for this site and only for the entertainment of the members of this site. So, they may be funny, but they are a little different from other comedies. Also,pissers are not written for feedback, it's for insider laughs. I might laugh, you might laugh but an outsider wouldn't...

I enjoyed once a comedy short by Tim Radcliff (might have misspelled the author's last name). He claims it was a pisser on the thread, but it's not. And in my opiion it's great. If you want I can find a thread. It was written for an OWC too.

I don't want to hijack the thread with other comments. Lets see who's behind it and if it's a pisser at all.

Hi Mel Gibson. I’ve finally realised these author names are made up lol. Only took me two days.

Anyway onto this antipodean themed script! Writing notes as I read.

Give your characters names as soon as you can. It’s hard to associate with a nameless entity. There’s nothing wrong with introducing one as a BACKPACKER but as soon as we find out he’s Tommy then change the name of the character.

VO guy breaks the 4th wall – so this is a spoof.

As I read this seems like one of the pissers I’ve seen in previous OWC’s. It’s written by someone clearly who knows their stuff but it’s not just a comedy as it has too many inside jokes like ‘Page count’. The author seems to be doing it badly on purpose.

Lots of stereotypical dialogue and jokes about Australians and Brits, some did make me smile but a lot makes me grimace.  

Very well written, if it is a pisser it’s a shame as I’d like to have seen this person try it as a full on comedy action story instead.

You know, this one reads better the second time around.  (I read it a second time because I ran out of paper in my printer, and had to stop reading when the subway arrived.  So I gave it a second go.)

Some of the writing's awkward.  For instance, the whole Chubby vs. Eager backpacker.  But I can honestly say there's tons of action in this...  it just doesn't stop.  Probably the best part of it for me was the quirky humor in alot of the writing and the asides (and yes, asides are fine in a screenplay as long as it doesn't take a reader out of the moment.)  For instance, the Narrator commenting that he's just the voiceover guy, the hooker comment, the bottom of a glass comment, and state of the art for Australian standards.  All very cute - and taken together it made the read enjoyable.  Oh, and the "page count" quip.  Very cute.  ")

So far, despite my initial thoughts, this one's definitely in my top five-seven.  Perfect?  No - but unapologetically fun and goofy!  :)

Uff. Difficult as a first read. SciFi-Action-Comedy-spy parody. I don't go with this script. I think you have a huge range. If you put out something as easy as that, I think you can also write deep stuff. For me the concept and mix-genre wasn't well chosen. If you got a time problem ;-) don't choose comedy. Must been prepared and spontaneous same time.

There were some holes ;-) between the pictures and sometimes I felt the opposite, that the picture was frozen. Look to first page: Just before the maybe 20 seconds long VO you showed a picture of an amazed backpacker's face…

You broke the fourth wall several times. All in all it seems too ambitious. But that's also the positive stuff for me here. You try new things.

The thing with: You cannot meet your own self… You shouldn't get in conflict with that. Solve the problem or avoid it. Definitely interested in some info after the challenge.

Mr. Gibson,  ;D

Solid writing for 10 days. Very impressed. I actually enjoyed the comedy throughout, whether it was meant to be a pisser or not as others have suggested, but you had me laughing in spots. I dug Sunstorm as the modern day Bond, Aussie style. Pretty cool character for the protag. Not much to say that others didn't already mention. Definitely among my favs at the moment. Great job!

Congrats on completing the OWC.

I enjoyed this one. I'm not sure what a pisser is but if this is one of them I'll be reading more of them. , loved the action and the crack was good. I thought it was easy to follow too.

No dramas, put another shrimp on the barbie mate :)

A title that sounds remarkably like it would go straight to DVD and star Christian Slater and Val Kilmer. Oh Christian, whatever happened to the guy that starred in True Romance and was destined to be the new Jack Nicholson? And Val, the man who did Jim Morrison better Morrison himself.

Er, sorry about that. Now, I've read it I see this is more an Austin Powers type thing. Well, lots happened and I smirked a few times. Writing was good in parts but it seemed to go a bit off the rails in others. I don't think there was enough jokes to make it work as well as it could.

I can't see what's wrong with calling these types of scripts comedy. A pisser is someone having a leak, probably where they shouldn't be.

So this is what DUKE NUKEM the movie would be like. Tons of action. Tons of funny lines. The 4th wall shit reminds me of a Merc witha mouth DEADPOOL. This short has such a fun vibe. With the Raybans, the bar fight, and the bazooka this really feels like a 80s / 90s action flick. I could picture Wesley Snipes of old as Sunstorm. Like Demolition Man era Snipes. This time cop idea has just enough scifi elements, like the 2 selves problem and the paradox evaluation.  The destruction of the wormhole by bazooka was just ridiculous enough. Afterall explosions solved all problems in 80s/90s era acion flicks.

Lotsa fun. Great antihero. Over-the-top. Ridiculous dialogue. Visceral action.

Sorry for the short remakes but my iPad has lost my comments three time so and there is only so many time I can write this.

In short...

Not a pisser, a solid effort at an action comedy, with a touch of spoof-slapstick, and overall well delivered.

The reality is if for OWC entries like this, and I tried a couple, is that comedy comes off lightweight, so is marked down compared to others, when actually it is hard to pull off. I applaud the effort.

This was a decent effort in the time and the circumstances, not my fav but it stands out from the others.

I'll have a guess on the writer as well....usually wrong on these matters

Cheers

This was a pleasant surprise. The title gave me pause, but this actually ended up being one of my favorites (and 80s action spoofs aren’t even my thing, really). It was certainly one the best writing-wise. Even the ‘voice’ and asides worked more often than not, although there were still some spots where the asides seemed redundant.

I’ll admit that most of the jokes were hit and miss for me, but I’ll forgive that because 1) It felt like they would work better on the target audience, which wasn’t me and 2) there was enough action and forward momentum to keep me engaged. I think this is one of the better paced scripts of the challenge.

Now is this a pisser?

Who cares? There’s a few ‘pisser’ related elements, but they'd be pretty easy to lift. I mean, in a 80s action spoof, do you really need a reason why they burst through the front door, guns blazing?

Anyway, nice job and congrats on completing the OWC.

Right off the bat: I'm not a fan of cheesy 80s action movies. Not a fan of cheesy action movies now for that matter. So I didn't go along with this as much as a writer would hope one would.

Still, not bad for what it is. Pretty well written, for the most part. I got a sense of Sunstorm's character right away and the Australian angle was endearing. Not all the jokes worked for me but some of them did and honestly the ones that didn't still seemed perfectly suited for the genre, even if they were eye-rollingly corny. A lot of people have mentioned this as a comedy but I don't see it that way; I just thought the jokes came with the cheesy action territory and weren't necessarily the main focus.

The story was somewhat vague. I mean, I understood what was going on for the most part but didn't understand WHY it was going on. All the characters and events lacked context for me. It seemed like it was all taken from something bigger, which happens in the OWC from time to time. I don't think there's much you can do about that without feeling forced or bloated; that's just the biproduct of choosing a story that's too big for 15 pages.

Still, I wasn't confused per se. Just kinda wondered WTF the point was to everything.

The writing was sort of a drag though. Waaay overwritten. Some of the asides worked but many of them didn't. At worst, they came off corny and obnoxious and occasionally like they were trying too hard.

Honestly, I get pretty annoyed when the writer tries to appeal to me and rope me in with his "wordsmithery," especially with lines like "And you guessed it..." and "You've seen the Matrix." Occasionally, asides can give insight into how characters behave and react or make a particular image "pop" a little more, which can be a benefit to the script, but this showman bullshit... meh. The story and characters should speak for themselves IMO.

You've also got a fight scene early on written in montage format. Did not see the point of this at all. If you've taken all the dashes out of it, it would've read like a perfectly normal scene. I mean, it's all instantaneous and fluid. No time jumps or anything. Just totally unnecessary the way it's written now.

The opening scene was sort of pointless. We don't really need to know how the wormhole came about. Same goes for the V.O. although it seems like both were there for artistic license purposes and not so much because they were important to the story so whatever. I bring this up because there's a lot of issues with the opening. You should name your characters for one thing, especially if one's name is mentioned in the dialogue, and the descriptions are sort of vague and don't give a good sense of what the characters are doing. One of them "peers up" for example. At what? Desert makes me think flat, desolate landscape.

A few lines I didn't care for. Why would Potts call Russia "Mother Russia" if he's British, for example. I also HATED the page count references. I get it but to me, that's more an admission of failure than anything and honestly just makes it look like you weren't trying/didn't care.

As it happens though, I didn't think this was a pisser or anything. It seems like it was written by someone who's been at this for a while and for such a short period of time, the quality is pretty impressive. I liked the character and there were definitely moments that were sort of fun and endearing. But again, this is not my genre and the showy writing did get quite on my nerves at times.

A mixed bag overall, I'd say though definitely one of the stronger efforts I've read thus far.

Thanks to all who took a peek at this - it's much appreciated.

The big question - was this a pisser? No, it wasn't supposed to be one at all but I know the two reasons why peeps might think it was, but I can try and explain both in someways --

I didn't want any long exposition scene having to explain time travel so the voice over guy was the device to avoid this in a funny way which kept in with the tone.

The page count quip was basically there because I was running out of page space (I was close to the deadline) and I again thought this would be a nice inside joke to all who entered the OWC.

As one reader pointed out - these sections could be taken out easily without changing the story.

Otherwise, I hope peeps who read this got a good laugh or least had an entertaining read because that's all I was trying to accomplish with this one. I knew this wouldn't be to everyone's taste and that's why I actually gave it the title I did... I mean, with that title, peeps surely should have been expecting some cheese right. It hardly screams emotional drama of characters trying to save love ones from their past.

I must apologize for the clumsy opening page with the backpackers, but I just didn't get the time to edit it, or maybe I was just lazy and couldn't be bothered - either way, it wasn't a great start was it. :P

The many asides that some peeps may have not liked were only there to add to the tone of the script, and in this type of story which is in spoof territory, I feel they're perfectly fine to have.

Other than that, my writing style is what it is and I'm sure a few readers who have read my recent work (Mark, Mo, Bill) would have possibly guessed this was mine?

Anyway, I feel like this shouldn't be the end for Sunstorm and I hope to write some more of his adventures in the future. Expect beer, babes, guns and lots of cheese! :o

Cheers again for the reads. :)

Great stuff Coopster on this total pisser ;D;D

Mark

SUNSTORM: AUSTRALIA'S FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE

Catchy and clever.

This was awesome, and I can't wait to see who wrote this.  A superbly written, mash-up of my favorite action movies.

"Are you Einstein?"  "Then how the fuck would you know!"  Had me LMFAO!!!  Both times.

To me, this was a freefall of creativity and craft.  I'm impressed with the writing, the level of clarity, and dialogue.  Great work to whoever wrote this!  Grade A