Known But To God by 0 - Short - A group of Marines, on their way to a secret holding facility, encounter problems with their captive, a high-value Iranian terrorist. - pdf, format 8)

Hmmmm.  I enjoyed this one.  It's simple, with clean writing. (There's one sentence ending in "encircle" that needs a period.  :P  )

If I wanted to nitpick, I'd argue that there's an issue with the fact that the reason for the time-travel element isn't even hinted at.  

And - technically - it doesn't fit the guidelines too closely: Devon can't really be argued to have Cassandra complex, and his actions don't truly impact the future in any significant way.

That said, it was still a fun, clean read.  Kudos.  Almost like a Twilight Zone episode.  :)

Oh, how I wanted to love this because the story is right up my alley and it’s definitely the most action-packed one I’ve read so far.

But things kept niggling at me all the way through from the dialogue to character decisions. And the time travel aspect seems to come from nowhere, and just kind of happened without much effect on the characters really, other than his obvious (spoiler) demise at the end which I will admit is quite harrowing.

I guess my main beef was Payam – what was his plan again? So, he stuffed an EMP device into his stomach with the knowledge that the marines were coming… why do it four and half days ahead of time and not the day before? Maybe he’s on a diet? ;D And what was his intention, to blow up the plane? Why not stick a slab of C-4 in his stomach and take down a whole base or something?

Other side notes – Jimmy Barnes – brilliant, a real working class man ;D (check out youtube)

What’s the deal with Stevens and Wade? They just took off without their buddies; I don’t wanna be in a bad situation with those guys.

It’s a fast read so good job there but I didn’t care much for the dialogue – hey, you can’t win them all.

It sounds like I hated this but I just want to be clear that I didn’t – I just think it could have been a lot better and I wish the plot was better fitted around the characters.

Otherwise, nice work and congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

Not sure if I like the sudden rambo approach of Devon after finding out he time travelled.

Finished. Was this based on a true story? Since I remember reading something similar.

Not a bad script, writing was good for the most part, dialogue wasn't bad either. My biggest problem was how long you take to set up the story and then suddenly scrap it and move to a whole new sequence. A lot of pages are wasted in the plane when the focus of the story is when he travels back. Nothing really mattered before he time travels and the story would've had a stronger impact if you got to the French soldiers earlier. Good effort though, it was a nice ride.

Know but to god

Logline is fine but interestingly I don't see a time travel angle....we shall see

They are flying back to the states but he talks about leaving the desert in a couple of weeks?? As I assume this is the terrorist the conversations seems a little strange, but it may be explained
The conversation with the terrorist was a tad confusing
Time travel seemed to come out of nowhere

Ok, his needs some work, but the idea of a solder in the wrong war, having no identity, fighting for good and only know to god has some potential

The terrorist is a weak link. He has no background, we know nothing about him, why he's there etc, or indeed what he was talking about, then he does something we don't understand and dies in the plane, we assume. Needs to be more woven in, IMO, for a short

All the best

Congratulations on completing the Jan OWC!

I was intrigued by the whole setup with the terrorist, it really had me going but it ended flat for me. It had elements of the Joker from Dark Knight with the bomb but I couldn't see why Payam went to all that trouble and sacrifice just to kill a few marines. If he was after a high profile target or if it was part of a bigger plan then maybe.

Then the time and position jump that wasn't explained. And they all just died in the end for no reason. It would have be nice if Devon could have used his futuristic tech to help the French survive against impossible odds or something like that but it would work as a Twilight Zone'ish story and it was nicely written.

Loved the writing but you have two major problems. Loose ends, bad structure.

Why the villain got himself captured to send a couple of marines back in time?

The structure problem is more critical. Devon realized he had just time-traveled on page 10. That's 3rd act territory. I wouldn't mind if it was, like the others mentioned, a twilight zone-ish story, but you didn't give us time to enjoy the mystery. The set up with Payam was too long and too dramatic (Not that I didn't enjoy it) trim it down a bit. Give room to the actual plot to breathe.

Please rewrite this script, and I have a few suggestions to get you going.

Payam is actually not just your out-of-the-mill terrorist. He's a nuclear physicist. After capturing him, Devon thought the nightmare of terrorists having a nuclear head in their hands is over. But Payam has a much more sinister plan.

After payam pressing the detonator, he survives. When Devon lands and realizes that he's in 1917, he find himself fighting Germans.

After surviving the Germans attack, Devon discovers Payam real intention which is  giving the nuclear bomb technology to the German. Devon starts on an epic, suicidal journey to save the world from such a terrible fate.

We get to see the grave of the unknown soldier in the ending knowing how Devon sacrifice saved the world as we know it.

Good luck with the rewrite

El. Psy. Congroo.

I enjoyed the first four pages, the dialog is especially which was pretty good throughout, but I started to realize the pacing would be off by the length of the opening scene...and it was. The time travel transition was very abrupt and not explained, just seemed thrown in there. I never did connect to Jimmy. We were watching him but I wasn't feeling him and even though this is full of action, I should care about what happens to him. I think the difference between an okay action film and a great one is making us connect to the characters.

Best part...the dialog. You have a real gift for it.

Your writing is lean but left me completely disconnected. Sure, I breezed through it but I didn't feel anything.

The story itself was abrupt and somewhat unclear but has possibilities.

Congrats on completing this OWC.

I like how the dialogue is quick back and forth banter, instead of big blocks of boring talky exposition.

However the closer I got to the end of this the more I was scratching my head.

Didn't really like much about this.


--Steve

Code with the smile of a winner.

Yuk. Just don't like this line. Cheese.

Yeah, up to page 3 and it's pure exposition. I'm out.

At the end of this, like many others, I was scratching my head.

Why did everything happen the way it did? What was the purpose of it all and how did the time travel bit impact on the future?

You have a nice little story that might indeed be a great idea for a feature, but didn't really stick to the guidelines of the OWC challenge, IMO.

Good luck with it though. I think you could definitely do something else with it. :)

Renee

OK, last few for me...no more "As I go" comments...

I read this in full and then read the comments.

I was enjoying this early and thought you did a good job writing and setting up something that I really had no clue where would go, but when it went where you took it, I was left scratching my nutsack, wondering what the fuck?

IMO, this does not fit the parmaters of the challenge at all. Also, it really doesn't offer much of anything, which is a shame, as it started out with such potential.

Even the dialogue was well done and each character had character, only to be completely wasted with a nothing story that ended up meaning pretty much nothing.

Not sure what else to say, other than congrats on entering this tough challenge.

There is one side of a coin where overall, the script is better than average and would get a thumbs up for me. The setup in the first half of this is well done in spite of the trope where the bad guy "wants to get caught" to access the situation and play mind games with his captors. I'm also not a fan of the "Just then" stuff I see from time to time in scripts. Two words anyone can chop out, because the majority of action happens as it happens. Still, all that aside, it's one of the better scripts in the OWC...which leads us to that other side of the coin.

:( :( :(

The entire setup that got me hooked was thrown under the bus. Ran over several times. Where did it go? It's almost as if the short script was already written in advance, and a minor tweak or two and abracadbra it's a time travel story that barely squeezes by the challenge itself. It's like it belongs in another script.

It wouldn't be the first time someone pulled a stunt like this. If this is the case, then you should make like an ostrich and stick your head in the sand. The out of left field time-travel bit negates an otherwise good short script.  In addition, then this wasn't written in a week or so...just tweaked to skate by the req' of the OWC.

So...good writing....bad form.

Nothing that I can really say other than echoing most of the comments that are here already. Good set-up, wasteful ending.

Not much to do with a time travel machine and it all happened so quick, jumped out of a plane and landed back in time, killed by Germans ??? as Janet pointed out... very Twilight Zone.

It was creative and read pretty quick, with some good action.

Good job on entering

Mark

Very good start. Good writing. Scene flowing in a way that just carries me along.

Pg 4 First quibble. I didn’t immediately understand why Payam ripping his bandages off required such an urgent response. Before he really starts digging into himself, it just seems kind of bizarre. I wonder if Jimmy should be more annoyed than excited at first.

As good as this all is, by page 8 I’m starting to wonder how you’re going to squeeze the requirements in.

Pg 9 Ahhh, I’m beginning to see what’s happened. Nicely done.

Pg 10 I like that you’re trying to put some emotion into this with the picture, but it seems like an awkward time. They are being shot at after all.

Pg 11 You should mention that he drops the weapon. I think they’d gun him down otherwise.

Pg 12 “Is Daddy gonna come?” I’ll admit I didn’t quite get the gist of the question

This is definitely one of my favorite so far. Everything above is minor quibbles really. The ending didn’t bother me, though I think an earlier intro of that photo would work to strengthen it. Besides that, really strong work.

Congrats on completing the challenge

Edit: No one else seems to have taken this the way I did, so I'll take a stab at it. The "EMP device" that Payam detonates. That is the time travel mechanism, is it not? Not sure what his plan was, but than again I'm always baffled by anyone whose plan includes blowing themselves up.

Action packed and intelligent use of time travel.

You use a lot of subtle techniques which I appreciate. I will start at the start. But i noticed well placed clues throughout. I think i am on the same page. Or let's hope. Otherwise this'll be some crazy shit that follows. Haha.

So...i like the holographic map. Is this the near future? Intriguing. The abrasive language of Devon ( sand n*gger), while realistic, villainizes the hero, for me. I liked Pryam's response of "how many?" It does a few things. Shows possible concern for loss. But also suggests the relish in the success over the enemy, despite his capture. This alludes to his motives for what happens later. Nice foreshadowing.

I was haunted by another of Pryam's response.  When Devon retorts that they killed his men, Pryam is unshakeable. He says they were either insignificant or willing to sacrifice themselves. He says there are more important targets they missed. This suggests to me that Pryam is a scapegoat of sorts. He was a villain created by the terrorist group. A target for the Americans to find. A weapon up their sleeve. Nice subtle staging for what follows.

Pryam toys with Devon about gaining easy access to the terrorist compound. This creeped me out. I knew you were building towards something significant.  And then he starts eating his arm. You got me so intrigued. Naturally I assumed this device within his arm would activate a bomb. I love that you faked the audience out. We think our hero is onto the plan. Its an EMP. And then I realized what you did. Once the crazy action slowed. Devon lands in 1917 Wartime. The device was to warp them through time, awesome!

I love this super intriguing idea you pose. What is the future of suicide bombers. 911 was an evolutionary step up from the kamikaze pilot. This next step up the terrorism evolutionary ladder is to displace your enemy in time. Warp them to the past. No way back. Even for the future suicide bomber. If Pryam survives he will have to live in the past and survive an entirely different war. So clever and subtle. No large swath of exposition. No voice over narration. I appreciate that you respected our intelligence as an audience.

Some issues. I think some dialogue punching up is necessary. Like Pryam "told you I wasnt hungry." Again, I appreciate how you allude to the time travel device within his stomach. You laid the breadcrumbs earlier. But I wanted a cooler line here. Maybe "I'm full." Then maybe when it exits his body. "Now I got room for something. (Shwarma?) " With a smirk. The imagey is so heavy and gross we could use a better laugh here. One action line bothered me. "Cautiously"run in plane, should be "urgently". Unless I misunderstood.  Or am nitpicking.  Hehe. There's just so much awesome here, in comparison I mean.

Speaking of awesome. Exciting action scenes. Wow. Loved a few powerful images, like the skydiving and the plane going down in the background. I think you could even amp up the intensity more when dealing with the French soldiers. Have Devon fumble for a patch with identifying flag or something. They take it aggressive. Like he's going for a weapon. Add some yelling, and shoving, and it's amped more. After all, I was wondering how the hell he'd get out of this situation.  You might as well milk that tension. You've built it up so well, now fully deliver, ya know. Then when tension peaks have his plane crash in the distance. They all are shocked. Now his hand trembles with American flag patch. The french now know where he's from. They talk.

I think this could end with a better battle. Just more emphasis on some action moments. Highlight some notes. Like maybe he can share scope so French can see what he sees. They can marvel at nightvision tech and better believe his time travel story. These are just minor notes on improvements as I believe you greatly succeeded with this challenge. But by time Devon is last man standing and the Germans walk in he needs to go out better. Not ankle biting. Something else.

I appreciate the brutality of the finale. Shot in the head, then kicked in the head. Horrific as intended. Then we're back to 2014. I like how you hinted at Arlington cemetery earlier. I think the ripped photo should show wife and child, then transition in similar pose to modern gravesite. It would add another strong image.

There are some time line issues, but you didn't focus on technology and left these elements to subtle clues. So I suppose it fits. I assume no history is changed. The future is, but from Pryam point of view. The enemy is the one with the travel tech so maybe they made their future better. I think the wife n kid should be walking cemetary looking at the graves of soldiers whose bodies weren't found. Or MIA. Then the camera would continue on to the unknown soldier from 1917, so the audience would have the answer.  My 2 cents.

You delivered kick ass action with strong images, tons of intrigue, and intelligent commentary. I loved the more subtle elements.

Like all good scifi, it hurts my head a lil bit, but I'm glad I got the mental workout. I'll battle confusion especially when you're saying something underneath.

I started to read this before but something with the names stopped me commenting. Devon Forte sounds way too much like some weird made up name than a real character.

Sergeant Jimmy Barnes? I thought he was a rock star. Thus I keep expecting him to burst into song. May be not as well known but an unfortunate co-incidence. Who next? Corporal Freddie Mercury?

Enough of my peeves. I'll read on without prejudice.

I don't know for sure but I imagine these soldiers would refer to each other by their surnames or rank rather than their first names. Especially in front of a prisoner. Or maybe not.

I finished it and thought hmmm. I have some problems. No, not those type of problems. Different ones. With this script I mean. Oh stop it. Sorry, went a bit Frankie Howerd there.

It's not really time travel to past to affect the future by changing it. There's not even a hint of why the time travel occurs.

French people in 1917 would surely know an American accent. Especially ones that speak English.

Hey, you can do whatever in a script but stretching it too far makes it lose some or more of the good effect it mey have had.

I'm in two minds about this because some it was pretty entertaining. I'll leave it at that before I dig a deeper hole. Now, I must get out more. Where did I leave my coat?

R

Took another look at this one. Noticed a few errors that I can't be bothered to point out... but one thing in particular, plot-wise, is really bugging me. His gun. They wouldn't have seen anything like his gun back in 1917. Even when he pops off a few Germans with his night vision, none of them question it.

Once I started reading the story, I found it fairly entertaining. It's good that you like to keep the story moving. I liked the inventiveness of the IED... or did you call it an EMP? Did you mean to take out the radio signals? I read it as IED, anyway. Full of action, a war-time setting, which is usually a favourite of mine. I had no issues with the method of time travel, however I think it misses the parameters because he never made it back.

Seems this story was written without much direction. Maybe from a young writer, or new writer starting out. I liked much of it. The adult theme is good but I feel the over all execution misses here. The story needs more.

A better method of time travel would have been to have his chute fail. Hurtling to his death, landing upon a snowy battlefield in France. But then he needs to find a way back after changing something there.

There isn't really a story here as yet, but it has something you can work with and make better if you are so inclined.

This was an interesting and a quick read -- but if this were to be filmed I think most of the dialogue would be unnecessary.  Just my opinion, of course.
I like the ending, the Tomb reference is powerful.

This one seemed to be disjointed. It felt like you had an idea of where you wanted to go with the opening on the plane then just, all of a sudden, put us back in WWI. The thing is, the stuff on the plane was much better because the war stuff seemed rushed. Overall, it was written competently enough, but it seemed to go all over the place, the further you went into it.

C.

Writer,

Easily one of the better entries, but like a few commenters I was left scratching my head in the end.

I do believe the time travel device had something to do with the hostage from the beginning. Something he had inside of him? Maybe.

The writing was clean, and important for me, I was able to visualize your story.

Yet, I'm still scratching my head. I think, for a short, it's not always a good thing to do that. We want to read something that makes sense easily, and we def don't want to go back and hafta re read to see if there was something missed. It's tedious.

Believe me. I should know. :)

Anyway, pretty good story. Well written. Congrats on entering.

Steve

Hey writer!

Ok. He haven't got a key- don't know

A body bomb - wasn't actually nevertheles hard stuff
The plane dips 20 degree-darkness-nightvision goggles and all that on a plane-
Good action
Sky-diving into a combat of WW1
Good action.
Nice ending.

The dialogue scene at the beginning was too long, still interesting. I like the style of the script. It changes, many themes, the acceleration just did it to me.

Well, the ending has the plot hole, but it still didn't fail the entertainment factor of the whole. Good work. In such a script the missing time travel Explanation and believability isn't much important to me.

Feels fresh, all these changes and mixed up scenarios match. A courage way of alternatively telling which succeeded...

Great job on the dialogue, everything felt natural. No mention of time travel as it didn't hit on the OWC parameters but it didn't take me out of the story by any means. One of the best scripts I've read as far as the characters are concerned. Each one stood on their own but the story itself fell a bit flat for me at the end. Hate to echo everyone else but the ending left me wondering.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

This, my fellow screenwriting friends, is why you don't write your entire script in the last two hours before the deadline. You end up with a script that virtually no one can de-cipher because it's such a mess. It was fun to write, but writing 14 pages in two hours because you're rushed is no bueno. I had the idea for this on day 3 then spent the next week trying to figure out one small problem. When I couldn't do it, I have to decide between writing it anyway and keeping it on the shelf. As a result, you had to endure it and for that, I apologize. So, let's see what issues can be alleviated (as if it makes any difference now).

Quoted from wonkavite If I wanted to nitpick, I'd argue that there's an issue with the fact that the reason for the time-travel element isn't even hinted at... his actions don't truly impact the future in any significant way.

He had his stomach replaced with a small device that emitted an EMP. This was designed as a story to tell how the original Unknown Soldier came to be. So, he affected the future by being entombed during a time period in which he wasn't supposed to exist.

Quoted from CoopBazinga I guess my main beef was Payam – what was his plan again? So, he stuffed an EMP device into his stomach with the knowledge that the marines were coming… why do it four and half days ahead of time and not the day before? Maybe he’s on a diet? ;D And what was his intention, to blow up the plane? Why not stick a slab of C-4 in his stomach and take down a whole base or something? What’s the deal with Stevens and Wade? They just took off without their buddies; I don’t wanna be in a bad situation with those guys.

His plan amounted to killing a plane full of Delta soldiers. Being that they're among the best soldiers the U.S. has to offer, it would be a victory to do so. He did it four and a half days out, because he couldn't ensure when they were actually going to pull off their raid. He wanted to be prepared ahead of time. Yeah, he wanted the plane to go down without a chance of it being saved.

I wrote the script as I went along, literally making it up one page at a time. In my mind, while I was writing it, I imagined that only Devon went back in time because he was touching Payam at the time it was detonated. But, I needed the pilot to still be there and didn't have time to work out a solution. Lol.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer They are flying back to the states but he talks about leaving the desert in a couple of weeks?? Time travel seemed to come out of nowhere

Well, actually, they're flying into France, but yeah, I know what you mean. He was referring to his tour. He was getting out in a couple weeks.

The device was the time travel mechanism.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Then the time and position jump that wasn't explained.

I didn't explain it directly, no, you're right. I wanted it to be clear, but I also didn't want to come out and say, "Hey, this is how we're going to time travel." It was a fine line. I'm unsure what you mean by position here, though.

Quoted from mmmarnie I never did connect to Jimmy. We were watching him but I wasn't feeling him and even though this is full of action, I should care about what happens to him. I think the difference between an okay action film and a great one is making us connect to the characters... Best part...the dialog. You have a real gift for it.

The irony is just overflowing here... Lol.

Quoted from RJ Why did everything happen the way it did? What was the purpose of it all and how did the time travel bit impact on the future?

Because the story needed it to, to explain how the Unknown Soldier came to be and to explain how the Unknown Soldier came to be, respectively.

Quoted from Dreamscale IMO, this does not fit the parmaters of the challenge at all.

I wouldn't say "at all". In fact, I only missed on one part, that he had to go back to change something. He went back and changed something, but that wasn't his mission. Beyond that, though, I hit the rest.

Quoted from EWall433 Pg 12 “Is Daddy gonna come?” I’ll admit I didn’t quite get the gist of the question Edit: No one else seems to have taken this the way I did, so I'll take a stab at it. The "EMP device" that Payam detonates. That is the time travel mechanism, is it not? Not sure what his plan was, but than again I'm always baffled by anyone whose plan includes blowing themselves up.

The change that Devon made had so little of an impact, his girlfriend and daughter still existed in the timeline. He was supposed to go to the cemetery with them, but he never showed up because he's dead.

Yes. It was to kill a bunch of Deltas, plain and simple.

Quoted from Last Fountain The abrasive language of Devon ( sand n*gger), while realistic, villainizes the hero, for me. I liked Pryam's response of "how many?" It does a few things. Shows possible concern for loss. But also suggests the relish in the success over the enemy, despite his capture. This alludes to his motives for what happens later. Nice foreshadowing. I was haunted by another of Pryam's response.  When Devon retorts that they killed his men, Pryam is unshakeable. He says they were either insignificant or willing to sacrifice themselves. He says there are more important targets they missed. This suggests to me that Pryam is a scapegoat of sorts. He was a villain created by the terrorist group. A target for the Americans to find. A weapon up their sleeve. Nice subtle staging for what follows. Pryam toys with Devon about gaining easy access to the terrorist compound. This creeped me out. I knew you were building towards something significant.  And then he starts eating his arm. You got me so intrigued. Naturally I assumed this device within his arm would activate a bomb. I love that you faked the audience out. We think our hero is onto the plan. Its an EMP. And then I realized what you did. Once the crazy action slowed. Devon lands in 1917 Wartime. The device was to warp them through time, awesome! I love this super intriguing idea you pose. What is the future of suicide bombers. 911 was an evolutionary step up from the kamikaze pilot. This next step up the terrorism evolutionary ladder is to displace your enemy in time. Warp them to the past. No way back. Even for the future suicide bomber. If Pryam survives he will have to live in the past and survive an entirely different war. So clever and subtle. No large swath of exposition. No voice over narration. I appreciate that you respected our intelligence as an audience. I appreciate the brutality of the finale. Shot in the head, then kicked in the head. Horrific as intended. Then we're back to 2014. I like how you hinted at Arlington cemetery earlier. I think the ripped photo should show wife and child, then transition in similar pose to modern gravesite. It would add another strong image.

I wish I could take credit for how clever your ideas of what was going on were, but only about half were things I thought of.

Yeah, I didn't want him to be a Star-Spangled hero. Personally, I don't think there's such a thing in war, so there is no white knight. So, he has complete free range to be an asshole.

Your thoughts about Payam being a proverbial cog in the wheel weren't what I was going for. Mostly because I didn't think about it. Rather, I was thinking that he felt his own life was expendable to the greater good because somebody would step up and take his place the very next day.

This part is so brilliant that I wish I thought of it [about the time traveling being intentional]. In truth, it was an accidental side effect of the EMP that brought them back in time, not actually a time traveling device by design.

That's true, about the picture. Something like that would've made for a better image.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I had no issues with the method of time travel, however I think it misses the parameters because he never made it back.

That wasn't a requirement. The requirement was to see what effect their travel had on their present.

Thank you all for reading and entering. Hope you had two tons of fun with this OWC. =)

Known but to God

That was a quick read!   Kept my attention throughout, even though the jump through time was jarring as hell.  But I can dig it because it was visually cohesive.  The dialogue was sharp, as was the rhythm of the writing.  I was hoping their prisoner from the begin would have had an impact in the end, but it was still a bizarre ending that was solid.

I liked this one, it was fast paced and came into the light just as quick.  Great effort!  

Johnny

...I'm noticing a lot these entries are reading fucking excellent!  Exciting stuff.