The Traveler by 0 - Short - {no logline} - pdf, format 8)

When a script has no logline usually it  means one thing... a bad script

and sadly this one falls under that category...

I usually try to get past the first page, but this was pretty bad in a lot of ways.

I suggest you read a lot of scripts and how they are laid out.

At least you got an entry in so congrats for that.

Mark

No logline – never a good sign.

Maybe this is a newbie but I’m not sure to be honest? What happened with your software? Hopefully that wasn’t intended because this is what put me off the most. It didn’t help that it’s just two talking heads in the first 8 pages. Something else happens at this point as well because the pdf font changes back to normal, or to what I’m used to.

Sorry, I couldn’t follow the story and basically just breezed over this one – look into your software and how you’re converting it over to pdf because the font was off-putting.

Congrats on completely the OWC. :)

Steve

I'm sorry, I have to agree with Steve and Mark on all accounts.

By the second page the font was beginning to hurt my eyes, but then again it's 12:30am here and I should probably be in bed :)

I just couldn't get through this. I don't do this to many scripts and I'm really sorry that I have to do it here. Wish for your sake that I had more input on the story, but I don't.

There may be a good story in there, so keep at it and, as Mark said, read a lot of scripts, learn the layout, get some software.

Good luck :)

Renee  

The traveler

No logline - not usually a good sign, but since mine are crap I can sympathise

Is it me, or is this in bold?
Remember to introduce your characters with CAPS
Some long speeches in this
I like the dialogue of the old man but a few too many perchances
Change of font on p8

Is this all on purpose???

P8 who is the priest?

Humm, bit lost on the ending.

One minte they were going to see the machine, then they are traveling separately then it ends. I assume Robert made it back to the machine?

Needs a bit of work for me.

All the best

Strange this one. The script shows some evidence the writer knows a degree of proper formatting and structure but then fails to do the rest properly.

You don't need to emphasise dialogue. You are telling the actor how to deliver their lines and that's not the job of the script writer.

You don't need to tell the editor what to do either so they will decide if something needs a dissolve or a slow fade out.

I'm a fan of Ye Olde English but that type of dialogue is best suited for the stage. In this instance the vast amounts of it was clever but very confusing. Strip everything down to the basics. If dialogue or a scene are not driving the story forward in some way, giving the audience some new information then cut it.

I did read it all but I'm not sure what was going on at all. Were they in some sort of time loop and repeating things over and over? I'm not sure.

Well done for completing the challenge but check up on your formatting software and read some other scripts and writing script books to get ideas on how to develop your talents.  

Mark

I was willing to look past the lack of a logline. I was even willing to look past the use of "yearning" instead of "yawning". But I could not get past an 8 page scene of pure dialogue.

That scene could have been half the length. And even then, I would still recommend spicing the scene up with more action than the characters nodding.

Sorry, but this one needs quite a bit of work.

We all start somewhere...but you should first make sure to format your screenplay properly or else you'll lose readers as soon as they open the file. If you don't take time to follow basic rules, why should we take the time to read and review?

The story itself was confusing. I suggest you spend a little time reading some pro screenplays and maybe a book like "Save the Cat". This way, next time, your story will shine. Best of luck.

Wow...

Sorry, but this is very poorly done, yet there seems to be a glimpse of passion for writing.

Problem is, you have no clue how to convey your visions to proper script formatting.

Looks to me like you have 7 pages of a scene between 2 peeps with the Slug of "THE FACE OF A PEASANT SITTING IN A WOODEN CHAIR" with no INT or EXT or time.  Trust me, that ain't ever gonna work, my friend.

Congrats on completing this and Kudos for entering, but you need to read every entry and comment, and that way, you'll see some of the errors of your way.

Don't give up and don't get down by poor reviews...you can write, now you need to figure out how to write for the screen.

Sorry, I am trying to read all of each script, but I'm out on this by p.2. Congrats on getting something in.

You should introduce the Old Man as Robert right off the bat. No need to introduce him later on in the story. Speaking of the story, I was a bit confused. A lot of banter going on between Robert (Old Man) & Young Man about the time machine and where it's located. You could easily trim that back to a page or two and still get the point across.

Congrats of completing the OWC.

Hey!  I hope you do the rewrite. If you think there's a story you didn't bring to your audience by now, you have to try it again and again. Hard game, but also a beautiful one.

It was about page six when I called it a day. The narrative is unexiticing and bland (Young Man nods; Old Man thinks, Old Man chuckles ...and early mistake had me thinking there were three men in the room, OLD MAN (ROBERT), YOUNG MAN and THE MAN but it soon was understood this was YOUNG MAN. Not sure why OLD MAN simply isn't ROBERT.

Old Man Robert had a lot to say in those first few pages. Slow. Meandering. Intentionally miuspelled words for sake of dialect.

:-/

Not much thought. Rough as sandpaper.
What more could I add?

This one - not my taste.  At various places in the script, the fonts seemed to switch.  And I was never sure what was going on.  What was the Old Man's goal and purpose?  Why did he kill young man?  And - why no logline or title page?

In general - it just didn't work for me.  Sorry to say...

But kudos on the entry!

Cheers,

--J (W)

No logline seems to bother some people. But there's no title page or FADE IN either. Oh well. I'll be open minded and plod on.

We've got some long speeches that are hard going. I get the idea that it's supposed to be oldey worldey, but it would need some more work to be convincing. Like most, it could do with a good edit. As an example. there's way too much of 'my fellow'.

It was hard to follow as it's not really clear who did what or when. You've got characters talking about other people who we've not seen or not sure who they mean. This doesn't make for riveting reading.

It's a different approach for sure, so in that sense it's original. I did feel that whoever wrote this can write but needs to work on presenting it in a more entertaining way.

I don't really give a toss about format as long as the story pulls a reader along. The story here wasn't clear enough to do that.

The start of this script had my interest but I don't see this as well suited for a short work.


Since the old man seems to be the primary source of information his words need to have stronger content, less texture, perhaps.  I'm guessing the ending was rushed and could be made more accessible to the reader.  Also, priest is a typo, right?  With the time limit etc, kudos for creating an intriguing character in the old man.

Well Writer,

Sorry to say I made no sense of any on this. The incorrect format, especially the font, made this a very tedious read. However, even had you used the correct font I think I still would have trouble following this. I'm sure there's a meaning to this, and I'm sorry that I didn't get it.

Anyway, congrats to you on getting an entry done!

Steve

I got lost around page 6. I get the feeling that English may be your second language, but then other times it appears like you know English quite well. The story has a nice atmosphere... there's something there. But that is all, I'm afraid. You still have quite a long way to go.

There is so much wrong with your writing that it's difficult to know where to start. I'd suggest reading lots of novels to increase your vocabulary and understanding of story structure.

We start on black, but I think the voice over was too long without any image. There are also a few more long speeches. Maybe breaking up the dialogue with some images would help move it along at a better pace. I do like the dialogue though. I was a fan of the phonetic spelling in the dialogue. It gave some flavour.

The time travel device is a jewel as large as a room. That was different.  It would be nice to see it later in the woods or something. You could maintain the mystery and have it hidden under sticks and leaves or whatever.  

Some interesting ideas in regards to the old man returning to his time. He can't because his lineage died out? That's intriguing.  Or is it because his tech can't work in the past? It would he nice if you explored these elements more.

The young man listens to the older man patiently, then all of a sudden is aggressive in his disbelief. Maybe he could interject during the long speeches.  Lead us into his aggression, instead of suddenly calling him an idiot.  My 2 cents here.

Old man says he'll show young man the machine. Then young is briefly described to be dead by the water. This was mysterious. Was old lying about the machine being in the woods? Did he kill younger from self defense? Maybe you could milk the death more and clarify his death. It would be nice to see the murder, but I understand this could be a style decision.

I really liked how you waited to show it was medieval times with knights. You could exploit this more. Include more knight action or culture of the era. You could elborate on  the religious beliefs like witchcraft.

I like how we can't trust our protagonist, the old man. He's full of deciet. Is the younger man he murdered his father like he says? Is he contagious? Or just so clever when it comes to saving his own ass? It's nice that you play with our expectations.  

So I thought all of these elements were a nice build-up, but it seems like there's no ending. Maybe it's just me, and I'm confused on it. This is time travel, right. It's supposed to make us scratch our head. I'm left wondering if this a loop he can't escape? His intentions may have been to save his father from a murderer. After he alters time, it corrects to the point that he is now the killer and he can't stop it from happening.  If this is the case it is truly tragic, and you should emphasize that more. Otherwise I'm left wondering why he kills his father. I need more motive.

Weird formatting. Intriguing build of mystery. Nice cultural dialect. Unique setting. Uneven ending.

There's really been nothing said here that my review would be able to add to. In the very beginning, it seemed like you tried to just flip through a thesaurus for Robert's dialogue (much like The Architect in 'The Matrix Reloaded') and that seemed like a bad way to start things. It didn't get better as it went along and I'll admit, by the time it was over, I had all but zoned out. This wasn't a really fruitful effort, but it was an effort nonetheless. Still...

F.

The Traveler

No title page and mixed fonts.  Formatting errors.  Collaboration or pisser?  Kind of let the humor go over head here, I admit I enjoyed it as a whole.  I thought it was a good choice to keep the reader off balance, it makes everything else a backdrop to the entertaining dialogue.

Saying that, the dialogue was difficult to digest at times.  But I can still see it working out in some form.  I don't believe it's a crime to overthink it, great work.

Johnny