Xmas Heist by Emanuel Farhi - Short - A pizza man attempts to deliver his last pie on Christmas Eve. But this all goes wrong when he gets kidnapped. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

This is pretty bare.  I like it.  It's an easy read.

Names Teddy and Eddie are too similar -- sometimes that can make it hard to differentiate characters.

Had to chuckle over the ending about how these 3 met their demise.

Gotta say... it's funny how you mentioned Lufthansa in the dialogue.  I woke up today and saw that, 36 years later, it's back in the news again.  People are already joking around that Scorsese is getting ready to make GoodFellas 2. haha.



--Steve

Thanks. I'm planning on filming this soon. I might change the title to "A Christmas Robbery." Do you like that.

I read that you're filming this yourself, so I'm looking past the (what I'd call) terrible writing and concentrate on story and dialogue alone.

Dialogue is wooden, hard to distinguish one character from another. Too much is said.

The story falls flat for me. I love robberies. Your bar robbery just doesn't ring true. The first thing Dave does when he finds out they are being robbed, is not call the police, he walks over to the robber like he's angry about it.

At the beginning you stated that this was loosely based on true events. I'd say very loose are the operative words in that statement. IMO, if you do film this, it will be a mistake.

I have another one up called Sign with Extortion. It's better than this one by far in my opinion but probably costs more to film.

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/SIGNWITHEXTORTION.pdf
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1390770910/

Hey Emanuel.

This reminded me of "30 Minutes or Less". Pizza delivery boy is forced to rob banks when two bad guys strap a bomb to his chest.

Anyways, I zipped through this pretty quick. Like Steve said, it's a fast read.

First off, I would get rid of that title card. "Some of the events in this story are based on actual
occurrences, but are fictionalized for the purposes of this
film."

TBH, I hate it when people use these. I think they should be limited to historical events and biopics and even then it's kind of implied. In this case, it doesn't add to the script, it actually detracts from it. Real life is boring, even if you dramatize it.

Does this take place in the city? How is a pizza delivery boy, who is at least 21 (buys shots in the bar) able to make deliveries on a bicycle? Just a little something I noticed.

Does there need to be two antagonists? I feel like you could just get away with one.

"As Max puts the pies in the trunk, Eddie puts his hand on
Max's shoulder and finishes his line:"

I think Eddie should be holding a gun or knife against Max.

On page 3, Laura's message should be a voice over and I would just get rid of that scene in her house, since it isn't really necessary, just have the voice over playing in Teddy's car.  

TEDDY
Your Mom?

Uh, is Teddys listening to Laura's message on Max's phone? Are they overhearing Max listening? This is something that should be stated in the action.

Why does Max just go along with the robbery? What's to stop Max from just leaving? Or calling the cops? Or asking the bartender for help? In 30 Minutes or Less, a bomb is strapped to the guy's chest, which elimantes all those options.

"Samantha gestures her head towards Max, you looks incredibly
uncomfortable."

Are you trying to say that Max looks uncomfortable or Samantha?

Does Max join the crew because of the thrill of robbing or the money? If the latter, I would think that Teddy and Eddie would keep the money for themselves. If it's the adrenaline rush he gets doing the job, then you really need to make that more clear in the writing.

Overall, I didn't find the dialogue too bad. I actually thought it was one of the highlights of the script. It wasn't anything witty or clever, but it felt real. I will agree with Dustin that there are too many characters and it's hard to differentiate them sometimes.  

Although the writing is short and simple, which is a good thing, in this case it needs more substance. There's too many things left unexplained as I already mentioned.

By no means was this horrible, it was actually somewhat entertainig, very light, and a quick read. Keept at it, I see the potential. Let me know if you want me to read anything and I look forward to future work from you.

- Chong

If you'd like you could check out the one I showed to Dustin.

This story didn't work for me. The characters where very generic, nothing really to set them apart or make them stand out and the dialogue could have been a lot better.

I don't know why Max robbed the bar, he could have run off as soon as he walked in there. The bar robbery itself wasn't believable. It was interesting to see Max warm to the life of crime but it wasn’t executed in a natural believable way. There was no ending as such, which felt flat.

Don’t expect everyone to recognise references. I’ve never heard of the Lufthansa heist so if this an important piece of information for the story find some other way to get it across.  

I see you plan to shoot this, if so you will learn a lot and get some good feedback so it's all worth it.

Best of luck!

Mark

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Don’t expect everyone to recognise references. I’ve never heard of the Lufthansa heist so if this an important piece of information for the story find some other way to get it across.   Mark

You never saw Goodfellas, Mark?!  aghhhh  :'(


;D ;D

Quoted from Guest You never saw Goodfellas, Mark?!  aghhhh  :'( ;D ;D

Doh! I just looked up Lufthansa heist and yeah I have, I just didn't recognise that name! I love Goodfellas