All In A Weeks Work by Felix Hockey - Short, Drama - A showcase of the average day of an office worker, although not all is as it seems. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Could be written better.... but I like what you're trying to do. I think this would do better filmed than when read. Interesting. It needs work... but still, interesting.

Hi Felix,

You don’t need to tell the editor how to edit the movie, they should pick that up from the pace you set in the script.

‘Guy get’s up from his bed’ slight typo there, should be gets.

The first four pages are annoying VO from Guy with repetitive mundane day-to-day stuff. I get that this is the point and you are making a statement, heck that’s my life you just described lol! But 4 pages before something happens is 4 minutes of screen time; that’s a lifetime for an audience. I think you can think of a way to get to the interesting bits quicker or at least in a more entertaining way.

“A table with blunt, violent looking objects stand next to Guy as he enters. Guy picks up one of these objects.” – A cucumber could look violent if presented the right way. What is the audience going to see? Violent looking objects and Guy picking up an ‘object’ or actually items like a knife, or a hammer? In other words be a bit more specific in what we will actually see. Plus the way you’ve written it sounds like these objects are standing next to Guy in the shed which reads really oddly.  

You waste a lot of screen time repeating the fact that Guy does mundane repetitive things most of the week. This could be a lot more interesting. I can identify with the groundhog day feeling and the fantasy of taking frustrations out on co-workers but you could do so much more. You could show Guy’s mental state in other ways as he goes about his daily activities which would be entertaining. For example “Leave a little present in Mike’s desk” then describe Guy placing dog crap inside his desk. Try to mix it up and show Guy doing normal things we all identify with and abnormal stuff we secretly would like to do if we had the guts; and then lead to the diabolical stuff that shows Guy has truly gone psychotic.

But I think you are definitely onto a good idea here, it just needs work.

All the best,

Mark

It would be cool to watch something like this but I didn't understand the idea here.
He kills his coworkers. And you show his cold mind, that simply follows the orders - that's good. But I wish there was something more than that. And I wish I could understand the last bit about the picture of the woman.

yes i agree. it be better if i could watch it. but what was his motive of killing all those people?

Hi guys,

Thanks for the feedback. I get that the beginning is quite boring as the script solely depends on the shock factor of the weekend.

What I was trying to do was take people completely by surprise by the turn. However, the slight problem with that is that many would probably stop watching before that happens.