Crimson Atlas (was Crimson Highway) by Ryan Bartek - Horror - A hard boiled survivor of the vampiric zombie apocalypse blazes a motorcycle cross country in order to fulfill his lifelong dream as a beach bum in sunny California. 121 pages - pdf, format 8)

I kind of liked the idea of this going from the log-line to the title, I think it should work, even though it lacks a goal.

Immediately into the script, the type-set for the title is off-putting, and then you have 'devestated' instead of devastated -- and this is right after your '...rising orb of crimson' which I think really worked.

Even before we had 'thin strips of light project unto the attic wall.', I had my suspicions, and thereafter it seems the script doesn't know if it wants to be script or novel. A workable idea, but it needs to be more script-like.

Yeah, this could use some tightening up.  Firstly with your logline, which isn't really a logline, but a premise.  A logline states your protagonist, his goal, the opposition or whatever threatens to prevent him from achieving that goal, and a mention of what's at stake, or what he stands to lose if he fails to achieve the goal.

Misspells are rampant.  EST instead of EXT, the above-mentioned devestated instead of devastated, etc.  Grammatic errors, like creatures instead of creature's and other such things.  Inccorect use of verb tenses, like "Brian stomping its head in" instead of "Brian stomps its head in."  

Plus, you're overwriting.  The entire first scene with Brian waking up in the attic can be written in as little as a single action/narrative paragraph, but you've taken up a third of a page with it.  And watch how you space out numerous action lines, giving them their own paragraph.  Like three lines for a vampire charging Brian, Brian throwing an apple at it, and the apple splatting on its forehead.  They don't need their own paragraphs.  Group them together into one action/narrative paragraph.  Work on the overwriting and your spacing and you page count will reduce drastically.

Also, be careful of unfilmables, such as Brain walking down a hallway passing rooms he must assume are empty.  You can't film a thought.  And why must he assume this?  Why not just have him check the rooms as he passes to be certain they're empty?

One more thing, and this is just me, but starting every action line with "Brian" gets old after a while.  We already know his name and if he's the only character in a scene, I'd just as soon use "he" instead of repeating his name multiple times throughout the scene.  

So, yeah, needs work.  Diction, grammar, spelling, and avoid prose writing.  Give 'er a rewrite or two and resubmit and I'd be happy to take a longer look at it.

Good luck.  Keep writing. :)

- Lon

the author here...

thanks for advice. The current updated script is at: http://www.scribd.com/doc/192674701/

I did a last minute re-write before posting and missed a few things in the beginning (i.e. devastated)

The font for the title was used because thats what was standard for Trelby/Final Draft. I didn't think it looked that pretty either. So I switched to Courier.

The reason the first page drags out the action is because I was trying to convey a slow, drawn out, nervous beginning. The bit about the thin strips of light (which I cut) was to impress a noir approach without directly stating the camera action or intended style. I avoid using the term “camera angle” anywhere in the script and just let the reader interpret the visualization. Doing my best to manipulate camera movement through suggestive description.  

I don't like starting a sentence repeatedly with the same character name either. Most screenplays I've read overkill this, so I assumed thats what would be requested. It does come off a little heavy in parts though...  

The logline is pretty to the bone. I had a more detailed, puffed up logline, but I figured it was best to go basic. maybe thats not the case...  

Still working on minor past tense/present tense lines I may have missed...

etc etc...

RBT  

Good to see you on the site, hope that you continue to contribute. Anyway I see you have a rewrite already up, before I get to that, just a comment about your log line.

Premise has both hero and opponent which is good. However, it does come of as typical survival, don't get me wrong the horror genre is about survival, I just hope that you break a fresh take on survival. The Premise reminds me of mad max for some reason. I'll give the first couple pages a read and go from there.

BLB

I quite liked the logline and basic idea of this - gave me a kind of I am Legend (or Omega Man) and Mad Max feel...and, after just finishing it, here are my thoughts:

-spoilers-

First of all, I'm sure you don't need me to tell you this, but you're a good writer - and as some have said there are a lot of 'unfilmables' here. But, don't worry, these can soon be stripped away and in all honesty they do go to show that you've got a good idea of how things should be filmed in your mind - which is a great sign.

In many ways I think it actually could work really well as a character study more than anything, the plot is only ever vague. There's no real urgency about getting to the beach, so it's not as if we feel it's a race against time for the characters.

Some of it I found quite hard to follow - particularly the scene where Brian arrives at the farmhouse. Once the whole thing with 'Big Man Alan' has played out I had the impression the farmhouse was now vacant - but then suddenly we jump to Brian shooting zombies with other survivors? Where have these come from?

Also the scene with the President...that was due to him tripping off meth, right?

Asides from Brian - and I guess, Danny - there's no real degree of permanency with the characters. After a while it just gets kind of obvious that they're going to be picked off pretty soon (almost repetitive in some aspects) - asides from Jen I suppose.

What I found a great scene, and what I could really visualise was the part with the Lieutenant (was it Halloway)? I really bought into the crazy idea of this larger than life, overly handsome looking guy being completely warped into the fact he was still with a platoon. I think you should extend this scene a bit more - it ended too quick.

Some of the scenes with Danny in the school were haunting - as was most of the film. The scenes where the rednecks and characters are in sort of coffins was also haunting - perhaps you could have a scene where Brian is just lying there looking up at a zombie who looks down at him...desperate to get in and kill him but unable to.

I liked the ending as well as Danny and Brian break out onto the beach. I thought for a minute he was set to die just as he makes it...but then glad in a way that he didn't.

Those are my thoughts first off, if I think of anything more later I'll add it. If you have any questions or anything you'd like my opinion on then please just let me know.

Cheers.