Them - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, February 9th, 2014, 5:35pm

Them by Lee Cordner - Short, Horror, Mystery - Two Sheriffs give shelter to a young girl during a storm, but they soon discover that she is something far more terrifying… 14 pages - pdf, format 8)

Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), February 10th, 2014, 2:01am; Reply: 1

What's with you and whips of light? LOL. I'm not actually laughing out loud, I just don't know any other way of giving you a clue as to my tone when I said that. It could easily be read with hatred, and that makes me look bad. It's twice in two pages. Twice in a whole novel would be considered decadent... wouldn't it? Twice in two pages is off-putting... makes me think you don't care.

Code

Cate bins the cup, at the kettle.

The above sentence needs reworking. It doesn't make sense like that.

Page -9... and we have another whip of lightning. I'd like to see you being more inventive.

Code

Light light-bulbs, red-eyes turn on, illuminating the darkness beyond. There’s dozens of them.

I think you mean 'Like'... however, I still think this can be done better.

Code

CHILDREN, soaking wet, all monotone in appearance, pale skinned, bags under their eyes, stand there.

How can somebody be monotone in appearance? Monotone pertains to sound only.

Code

Holly BITES his hand, rips his thumb clean off.

The above sentence can be done better. Why bother mentioning the hand when she's biting his thumb off?

Written well for the most part, however I get the feel that this is an early draft due to the mistakes and the odd poorly worded sentence.

I don't understand the Ghost's motive for wanting to kill people. They called Cate mommy at the end, so maybe they're searching for a mother figure. Why do they all live in the lake? This reads more like the opening scene of a film rather than a complete short.

Posted by: Leegion, February 10th, 2014, 10:48am; Reply: 2

Hey Dustin,

They're Changelings, monsters from Hell.

I wrote it as a personal challenge to see if I could do FEAR properly. Nothing substantial, or dramatic, or developing, something chilling.

Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), February 10th, 2014, 10:52am; Reply: 3

Lee, looks like your once again cranking out script after script.  I don't know how you do it, bro!

BUT, as I've said before, it appears that you're cranking out scripts without completing them, editing them, fixing them.

I stopped here after 4 pages, not because it's poorly written, but more because it's just not well written.  There are loads of mistakes that you should be able to catch by now, which leads me to beleive you either don't care or don't see the mistakes for some reason.

Dustin makes some good points, but there are so many "little things" that should be fixed up.

You continue to pad your scripts with the same thing over and over - people looking at things or other people, on the nose dialogue, and just unimportant info.  What you don't include is the real problem.  You don't set your scenes well, visually.  You don't set your characters very well, either.  You tend to try and intro them in a "grand way", but once they speak and act, they have little life.

The way this story starts out, it should be riviting, scary, creepy, etc, but it just doesn't work that way for some reason.  The reason is the writing.  Again, it's not bad, but it's also not good.

My advice is to seriously concentrate on completing a script before posting it.  Read and reread again and again.  Each time, you'll catch different things and each time, your script will be stronger and read better.

Stick to it, bro, but slow your ass down and go for quality over quantity.  Hope that makes sense.

Posted by: Leegion, February 10th, 2014, 11:38am; Reply: 4

Makes perfect sense, Phil.

I'm still trying to figure out how setting a scene works.  In my novel, I go through the motions, use certain objects, describe how the characters, say, enter a tomb, what they do when they're inside the tomb, and how they react to it.

The dialogue too.  In novels, it's fairly simple to make a character speak the way they're meant to speak, as you have much more time to develop them and round them out, get a feeling for who they are as people.

Not sure why I can't do that for scripts, lol.  I keep smashing my thumb with the hammer on something that should be easy, whereas I always hit the nail on the head in novels.

Unless I use the same writing I use in my novel to write my scripts.  Maybe go back to few older ones, rewrite them.

I can catch problems in other folks' writing, see some of my script reviews for more clarification, but I just can't "critique" my own, unless it's a novel, then I know the issues and resolve them immediately.

Maybe, once a rewrite is done on my latest, I might have it figured out.

I'm spending a lot of time crafting "Shards" at the minute (The Empty Grave), and basing it in my hometown (which should help a ton).

Consider this the last script I simply "write for the hell of it".

Posted by: Leegion, February 10th, 2014, 11:40am; Reply: 5

At Dustin, I could go all out "nuts" with my descriptions. I have a very vivid mind, just not sure if people would understand some of the terms I use.

Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), February 10th, 2014, 11:44am; Reply: 6

Quoted from Leegion

Makes perfect sense, Phil.

No Phil here, Lee. I'm Jeff.

Posted by: J.S., February 10th, 2014, 12:34pm; Reply: 7

Lee,

Your action line structure is definetely not visual here.

Consider your opening action line: "A thunder storm RUMBLES outside. Rain hammers the windows."
Now consider this version: "Rain hammers the windows, thunder rumbles.

The main problem is your subject. You tell us we're INT in your slugline yet your subject is something that would occur EXT and of course you even tell us that at the end of the sentence, as if we would think there was a thunderstorm rumbling inside the room.

Technically, "Windows are hammered by rain" would place your subject as the windows and therefore in a sense you direct the reader's eyes (and I suppose the camera). This is showing us something now. But, personally, I prefer "Rain hammers the windows" even though technically that's passive writing.

Other things I should mention quickly.

You describe the characters but tell us nothing about what they're actually doing which is in essence what the reader is looking for when they're reading.

Maybe try this out. Get a script for a movie. Watch a scene and then you write the scene yourself. Get down until you think you've nailed it. Open up the script and check how the scene was written. Obviously it won't ever be word for the word the same but ask yourself why they used this sentence rather than something resembling your's. Maybe that'll help. I have no idea, I've never tried it.

-J.S.

Posted by: Leegion, February 10th, 2014, 12:49pm; Reply: 8

Quoted from Dreamscale

No Phil here, Lee. I'm Jeff.

I mixed you up with dogglebe, lol. Apologies.

Quoted from J.S.

Hmm... interesting idea here, J.S.

So, say I'm writing something like Terminator 2.  I watch the "chase scene" from Termiantor 2 (with the truck and the river) and then I write it down, as I see it in the shot, when the camera cuts, it's a new shot, right?

What I think I'm going to do, is rewrite something while watching a movie.  Maybe I can write Terminator 2 again?  Do it as I see it, then I know what to do when it comes to my own stuff.

I'll try this tonight.

Posted by: Leegion, February 10th, 2014, 1:13pm; Reply: 9

So, kinda like this:

Quoted Text

INT. MALL - CORRIDOR A - DAY

TERMINATOR pulls a shotgun from a box of roses. The roses soar through the air.

Terminator crunches over the roses, cocking the shotgun.

John GASPS, eyes wide, and makes a U-turn into --

int. mall - corridor b - day

John runs, tries a door, locked. He takes off.

Terminator rounds the corner, shotgun raised by his side.

John goes for another door. A Maintenance Guy is there.

MAINTENANCE GUY
Hey, hey!

John looks over --

-- Terminator aims his shotgun, finger on the trigger.

John GASPS again, faces the other direction --

-- The T-1000 enters, pulls out his pistol.

John looks at Terminator, wide eyed, scared.

T-1000 takes aim.

TERMINATOR
Get down.

John ducks.

Terminator shoots --

-- a shell rips through T-1000's shoulder, rocking him back.

John staggers to his feet. Terminator grabs him, turns.

T-1000 pulls the trigger fast --

-- bullets bounce off the Terminator's back, leaving holes in his leather jacket.

T-1000 continues shooting, riddling the Maintenance Guy, as John SCREAMS.

T-1000 reloads the gun.

Terminator BREAKS through a door, shoving John inside.

Bullets strike the Terminator, whom pivots, cocks the shotgun, and fires.

A blast sends the T-1000 back, another makes it hunch, a third, a fourth and a fifth knock it down.

Terminator stands over the T-1000, reloading his shotgun.

John, terrified, peeks out of the door, breathing heavily.

One by one, all the silver holes in the T-1000 seal shut. It rises off the ground.

Terminator and T-1000 enter a tug-of-war contest with the shotgun, both stare at one another stonily.

Terminator struggles, lunges. Both revolve. Terminator SLAMS T-1000 into the wall, plaster SPITS. Terminator SMASHES T-1000 through the dry wall.

T-1000 SMASHES Terminator into the tiles, which shatter, and both EXPLODE through the dry wall, out of view.

John runs out of the corridor quickly.

int. mall - clothes store - day

Terminator staggers back and falls. T-1000 walks after him.

T-1000 plucks Terminator off the ground, spins him, and SMASHES him through the window.

int. mall - floor - day

Terminator falls to the ground, glass raining down all around him.

INT. MALL - CLOTHES STORE - DAY

T-1000 stares down a SILVER MANNEQUIN HEAD, turns away.

int. mall - corridor c - day

John hops down the steps, bashes into a wall, and looks back, taking off.

INT. MALL - CORRIDOR A - DAY

T-1000 storms down the hall, emotionless.

INT. MALL - FLOOR - DAY

A few ONLOOKERS surround Terminator, as he looks at the window, and rises to his feet.

A GUY, 30s, with a camera, stands in awe.

Terminator methodically reenters the clothing store.

int. mall - corridor d - day

John makes it to a door, looks back, puffing and panting. He runs down more stairs.

INT. MALL - CORRIDOR B - DAY

Terminator scoops his shotgun off the ground, loads a shell, and takes off into a run.

int. mall - parking - day

John runs for his life, looking back constantly, and reaches his dirt bike.

He swings onto the dirt bike, tries to start it.

JOHN
Come on!

INT. MALL - CORRIDOR D - DAY

T-1000 walks down the steps, looking around.

INT. MALL - PARKING - DAY

John adjusts something on the bike, tries again, and looks over at the EXIT door.

T-1000 walks out, locks onto John.

JOHN
COME ON!

The dirt bike engine VROOMS to life, and John takes off.

The T-1000 sprints after him.

The dirt bike heads down a slant, the T-1000 hot on its ass, moving at immense speed.

It's shot-for-shot as I saw the scene, so if this is the way it should look...

Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), February 10th, 2014, 1:36pm; Reply: 10

Much more like it, Lee, but action scenes are tough...especially when they're moving from scene to scene.

Watch the original Scream and try writing out the intro, including dialogue. See if you can get it to come out close to teh 1 page equals 1 minute of film. TRy the first 5 minutes or so.

There's little action early on and it's a good exercise to see just how long dialogue takes in film, as well as what you'll need to to include to make it work out, time-wise.

Posted by: J.S., February 10th, 2014, 1:43pm; Reply: 11

Yeah, kinda. Definitely visual, although at times I had to question your verb usage. But then again I'd have to watch scene to be a fair judge.

E.g. "Terminator BREAKS through a door, shoving John inside."

How does he break it? Shoulder it? Kick it? Punch it? How? There's a better verb here I think.

"Bullets strike the Terminator, whom pivots, cocks the shotgun, and fires."

It's who. Two sentence would be better here.

"A blast sends the T-1000 back, another makes it hunch, a third, a fourth and a fifth knock it down."

This probably needs to be broken up even if it's all one shot.

"One by one, all the silver holes in the T-1000 seal shut. It rises off the ground."

Break this up.

"Terminator struggles, lunges. Both revolve. Terminator SLAMS T-1000 into the wall, plaster SPITS. Terminator SMASHES T-1000 through the dry wall."

This may be all one shot but you should break it up regardless. If it's all one continuous action move, then reword it as one sentence.

It's a good start. Now do that several times and I foresee improvement on your next effort.

-J.S.

Posted by: Leegion, February 10th, 2014, 2:44pm; Reply: 12

@Dreamscale + J.S.

Gotcha.  Break up the lines.  New sentences.  "a fist" for the breaking door scene.

"Scream", will watch this tonight, stab away at the keys as the scene plays out.  I believe the scene I structured here is only 1 minute in length, and roughly 2 - 3 pages in Celtx, so it needs tightening.

I'll try it on a few other movies as well, just to get the focus down.  This technique is actually really good.  Helping me a lot.

Thanks, guys.  Appreciate this.

-Lee

Posted by: Guest, February 11th, 2014, 5:56pm; Reply: 13

The walls bleed, eh?

Interesting posts regarding how to write one of my favorite scenes from T2.

I always liked how Ahnold and Robert Patrick bounced each other around in that fight scene.

As for Them...

I didn't have major problems with it... or the writing.  In fact, I think you have improved your writing quite a bit, Lee.

BUT, your dialogue as a whole, in my opinion, is pretty much OTN.

The characters' actions also come across as goofy or silly... definitely out of place... for what's happening in the setting.

Jeff points out you like to do a "grand intro" for your characters (but afterward they lack "life"), but here I didn't notice anything big, spectacular, or even memorable, about anyone.  Nothing was cemented in my mind.

However, I could sense you TRYING to inject "life" into the characters.

It definitely shows, but I think that, in a weird way, it screws with your script, because the actions of the characters just seem... awkward... considering what's happening in the story.

--Steve

Posted by: Leegion, February 12th, 2014, 11:32am; Reply: 14

Hey Steve,

Thanks for the read and the construction.  I agree that the dialogue is too OTN, both main characters are thinner than paper and their actions are quite... blase.  Pointless.

To be honest, I can't even recall the story, if there is one, lol.  I wrote it for the Hell of it, which is the last time I do so.

I'm putting more effort into my features and shorts from now on.  Taking my skills with novel-writing and using them to refine my storytelling, development cycles and character driven goals, etc.

I'm using my web, a term known in screenwriting as the "snowflake method" and going all out with back-stories for characters, who they are as people, all the way down to their tiniest pet-peeve (even though it won't matter in the script).

This will allow my scripts to flow better.  My characters to matter more.  And my stories to be more... interesting.

-Lee

Posted by: Gum, February 12th, 2014, 3:44pm; Reply: 15

Hey Lee;

I liked this. It had a good creep factor for me, and I think it's directly contributed to some of the direction you were trying to embed within the scenes, without being too overtly descriptive as to how you would like this filmed.

Perhaps a better explanation.

The 'Stop-motion' movements of the shadows, and 'Twitching' of the girl's head, is reminiscent of a composition format that was done in post-production to give the characters a bizarre, surreal form of travel with respect to the rest of the (stationary) scene.

This is accomplished by using 'contortionists' to act out the parts in extremely weird, seemingly impossible motions, and in post-production, remove every Nth frame to chop it up, giving the player's motion short, staccato bursts. It works extremely well to creep people out.

Some movies that incorporated this post production concept are 'The Ring', and 'The Grudge'; two movies that creep the s*it out of me to this day. So this put me in mind of that. Long story short, this would work if it was done along those lines.

Another thing that caught me out, however, was 'CHANGELING'. I had an inkling that some aspect of this 'word' pointed towards a dead, or disembodied child, but thought I'd look it up for a better understanding;

change•ling:

1) a child surreptitiously or unintentionally substituted for another.

2) (in folklore) an ugly, stupid, or strange child left by fairies in place of a pretty, charming child.

I think you have an understanding of what you wanted to represent the child(ren) to be, but did not incorporate any premise for their existence, or motive as to why they need to pull a corporeal structure (Cate) into a watery grave. They only called to her as 'Mommy', needing to return home. Where's home? and why?

Check the 1980 movie 'The Changeling' for nice visuals of a wandering ethereal child. The movie has a good back story as to why it (child) lingers on.

Anyways, I wouldn't give up on this, because it could actually be a real creepy short if you find the right post production team. It does, however, still need some more insight as to the dead children’s existence.

Hope this helps in some way, take care... Rick.

Posted by: dogglebe (Guest), February 14th, 2014, 5:14pm; Reply: 16

You say early in this thread that this script is an excercise in horror or fear.  I don't think you got it right just yet.  All you really have is a bunch of creepy elements thrown together.

I didn't feel much concern for the two sheriffs; they were throw away charac ters that needed more development.  If I don't care for the characters, I won't care what happens to them.

You should be able to cut this script by three or four pages.  It dragged on for the most parts while you were trying to spook us.

Phil