It's Your Fault by Mark Moore (irish eyes) - Short, Comedy - A couple on their way to therapy accidentally kill a man or was he already murdered? 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Code ANGELA BUSH 36, all American girl, well dressed, sophisticated, sits behind the steering wheel, anxiously gripping the wheel.

You mention the steering wheel twice... I'm sure that you would have noticed this when you wrote it and maybe forgot to redo it. It's a simple fix...

Code ANGELA BUSH 36, all American girl, well dressed, sophisticated, anxiously grips the steering wheel.

I noticed a few errors in the story writing-wise that you'll see on another draft. Although this story started well, it quickly descended into absurdity. How does somebody trip and shoot themselves in the heart with a rifle?

I'd have preferred staying with the couple and the dead body, the hitman doesn't do anything for me in this story.

Good luck with it.

Thanks Dustin for the review.

A local producer asked me to write him a short movie based on his idea... which I did.
He liked it and then I never heard anything from him again.

Oh well, this was it.

Thanks again

Mark

Hey Mark,

This is pretty funny so far. Some pretty good lines here. But help me out here--what's a Pete?

I like Angela. She reminds me of my wife. Lol.

Okay, done. This was really funny. You have a real good hand at comical dialogue. However, the story wasnt the strongest in the sense that I think Pete shooting himself seemed like a bit of a cop out. Maybe not, but I kinda liked him and felt he should've had a better demise. Maybe it's not really that important. I dunno. But what really turned me off here were your typos. There's a lot if them, pal. You should get rid of em. And your action blocks, at times, are awkwardly written and wordy. But the story read quick, and it made me laugh. I'll say it again--very funny dialogue.

This just needs a cleaning up really. Only thing I can tell here. Sorry it never got made. I hear fade always like this guy did to you are kinda the norm. Guess it doesn't come as a shock then. I'd be more than happy to have interest in one of my shorts only to have the guy disappear. At least it's interest.

Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide to do with this. If you have any other comedies posted please let me know. Definitely like to read some more of your stuff.

Steve

Hey Steve

Thanks for checking out my short, I sent you a pm.

Mark

Hey Mark,

A new script, let's have a look. Was this due for WA?

First off, your PDF has one long name! I appreciate that's irrelevant, but spotted it all the same.

Nitpick first. The three ... Use them sparingly. Rightly or wrongly I use them to show a pause In discussion when there will be after the words. Or a trailing off when someone doesn't finish, or occasionally for emphasis.

Some of yours didn't seem to need this, just saying. Moving on...

I like parts, not others.

The slapstick style with a potential dead body seemed at first to clash in tone. Once into it it worked but the set up was too serious to then Go slapstick. I think you need to set tone early. He could be dressed up in fancy dress for example, so that the serious conversation is against the backdrop of him as a 'tomato' for example. We then get more of a message.

The ending is a bit easy and undeserved. Why not have the gangster walks over a difficult terrains and the woman flashes him with her camera, or phone, he's blinded, slips and falls. They deserve the end, maybe it was the husbands idea - they act as a team to get out of the situation. Sets up the finale, the switch.

Anyway, I enjoy you work, always some fun in it. Comedy is harder than the rest and I appreciate that.

Cheers

Quoted from Bill A new script, let's have a look. Was this due for WA? First off, your PDF has one long name! I appreciate that's irrelevant, but spotted it all the same.

A producer asked me to write a script based on his idea, then Coop told me after about the WA challenge and the similar set up... just a coincidence

This is the 4th draft, so I kept renaming the pdf file instead of deleting :D

Yeah the ending changed a few times due to the filmmaker's request and to my dislike. It was a bit of a cop out for the ending, but that's what he wanted. I never went back to finish it and I've never heard from the guy again.

Thanks for read buddy

Good to see the pool keeping up the fight :D

Mark

I enjoyed this a lot. The comedy 'lands' in almost every instance so that's good.

Despite that, I agree with Reef Dreamer, I think the tone needs to be established sooner somehow. I dunno if a tomato costume would work as they're headed to marriage counselling though ;) but I do get what he's saying.

The character of Pete (The Hitman) comes off really like Mike Starr's character in Dumb & Dumber... all I could picture was him. So maybe it's too similar?

And yeah, what was with the other character being called Pete(r) too? I didn't get that at all, am I missing something?

Lastly, Angela's last line threw me. Just didn't correlate with her character in my opinion.

But like I said at the start. I had fun with it. Chuckled a good few times. Would probably be even funnier to watch than read, shame it didn't get filmed.

-- Steve

Hi Mark,

When Angela and James were convincing the shooter that their Brother was blind and deaf I got a good laugh.  Thx for that.

Gl with the script.

Tony