Chaos Theory by Peter Brownlow (Wizbang) - Series, Comedy - Will Wilberforce, a forty-something Junior Assistant Librarian, and his continuing struggle to bring order where there is chaos. When all he wants is a life with less faff and more laugh, but that's not going to happen. 58 pages - pdf, format 8)

Peter,

You've painted a very interesting scene in the first 7 pages, but unfortunately it's so overwritten that I can't continue.

I like the guy who has his life so organized that he has timers set for his breakfast routine.  But I noticed that he had to turn the TV on.  Shouldn't he have a timer set for the TV too?

The dog sliding into everything was mildly humorous as was some of the dialogue when it wasn't on-the-nose.

You have the ability to imagine a funny world, but you need to clean up your delivery.

If you show up on the boards I'd be happy to elaborate.

Jordan

Peter,

I got your email.  

The humor is there in your script, unfortunately it's just surrounded by so much extraneous text that it gets lost.

Here are a few things that jump out at me right away that will improve the overall look and feel of your script.

• Move your disclaimer to the bottom of the title page with the copyright.
  
• Delete the draft indicator.  There's no need for it right now.
  
• Your title page isn't page 1.  At least that's how it is in America.  It may be different on your side of the pond, but here in The States the title page doesn't count toward the page count and page 1 isn't labeled.
  
• You need a left justified "FADE IN:"  It can be argued that it's not needed but there's no need to turn a reader off for something as trivial as that.
  
• Lose the scene numbers in the slugline.  Those are for shooting scripts, not spec scripts.
  
• Your slugline needs work.  They're used to determine how many locations are needed for the film.  There's a hierarchy to them as well.  Don't tell me we're in a kitchen before you tell me where that kitchen is.  I would have written:
  INT. WILL'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
  Don't forget to say whether it's DAY or NIGHT either.
  
• Don't just say that the kettle "has boiled", show us the kettle boiling and just as the kettle comes to a boil, in comes Will.
  
• Only capitalize the whole name of a character when they're introduced.
  
• Give your characters an age.  I prefer to give them an exact age (WILL, 35,...), others prefer to give them a general age (WILL, 30s,...).
  
• Here's how I would have written your opening paragraph:
  
  INT. WILL'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
  
  Immaculate.  A pot of water boils on an electric hotplate.
  
  DING
  
  The hot plate shuts off just as WILL WILBERFORCE, 35, enters.
  
  He plucks two eggs from a rack then stares at the iPod docking station on the counter.
  
  The iPod jolts to life and sounds its alarm, "The Birdie Song".  Will immerses the eggs in the hot water with one hand while raising a cafeteria style tray rail from below the counter with his other hand.
  
  He places a tray on the rail, a bowl on the tray, and pours himself some cereal.  He slides the tray in front of a lone plate on the counter, picks up the plate and holds it in front of him.  A toaster mounted upside down on the cabinet drops perfectly toasted toast onto the plate.
  
  He slides the tray to the end of the rail and opens the refrigerator and pours milk into the bowl.  The Birdie Song ends, he retrieves his eggs from the pot then exits.
  
  
• That is very rough but you get the idea.
  

Jordan