Mr. Freemont's Proposition by Jeffrey Bruno (jeffjb91) - Short, Drama - Wanda's life is hopelessly controlled by her pimp. That is, until Mr. Freemont offers her a way out.  8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Leaving this open ended may not be the right move. Nicely done. I'd have liked you to have gone all the way and showed us what choice she made though. It looks like you bottled out the way it sits now.

Hey Dustin, I appreciate the feedback. I guess I thought the open ending might be more interesting, but if you think it doesn't work for this story I might re-consider it.

Jeff,

Decent little short you got here. It read quick, and it has theme that rings all too true; hookers, pimps, enslaved lives. Pretty shitty existence really. You make it realistic though. Didnt see anything that made me think otherwise. Dialogue and action were pretty good. Makes me feel like this sort of thing really could happen somewhere.

Not sure where you could have gone with this had you not left it open ended. The one thing I would've liked to see is what Mr. Freemont's motivation was. Perhaps he lost a daughter to the streets and now he makes it his mission to help other women in situations like this. I don't know. Just would've liked to see a bit more of that.

As it stands, Mr. Freemont's way out is really nothing more than a new set of chains, because now she has to deal with being a murderer in which she accepted money to do the deed, just like her job as a hooker. So it's not much of an escape if you look at it that way. That's why a bit more explaining of Mr. Freemont's motivation would have made this easier for Wanda, and for your reader, to swallow. Providing, of course, that she did indeed shoot Marcus.

Anyway, good effort here. I liked it.

Steve

Hi Jeffrey,

I groaned when I started to read this because shorts about evil pimps and trapped, hopeless prostitutes seem to be a very common theme on this forum.

However this was handled well for the most part. I understood what was going on, it seemed realistic, the dialogue was good.

I agree with the other comments; not knowing why Mr. Freemont is playing the good Samaritan means the character lacks depth. And yes, as there’s no ending I feel cheated out of my time. I understand the desire to leave something up to the audience but in this case it does feel like a cop out.

The way it was building up suggests she was going to kill Mr. Freemont and that is quite viable. She doesn’t know him and she’s been brainwashed by her pimp for years. That level of control is quite difficult to break, certainly not in the brief time she’s had with this total stranger.

Killing the pimp is an option but then you need to sell it, make us believe she could do this, that somehow there’s a strong character under there waiting to break free.

Or you could turn this completely on its head and come up with something totally unexpected. What that is, well that’s up to you!

Best of luck with this and keep on writing.  

Mark

StevenClark and Mark Renshaw-- thanks very much for the feedback. Great point about Mr. Freemont's motivation not being clear enough. I did want his character to be a little mysterious, but I agree that as the script currently exists he is a little too two-dimensional.
I had some of his back-story in my mind but didn't manage to work it into the script really. I think in the next draft I will work in a bit of dialogue that touches on his story.

StevenClark-- I agree that Freemont's proposition isn't exactly a great solution for Wanda, since it would make her a murderer and outlaw. However, the gun is un-registered and she is in a pretty deserted part of town, so the chances of her being caught aren't too high. Maybe I need to establish this part of town as more of a deserted area. Also I am realizing now that Freemont needs to give her a glove or something with which to hold the gun, so she doesn't leave fingerprints.

Also- while murder could be a scarring and horrible experience for Wanda, in my mind Freemont hoped it would be a vindictive, fulfilling experience for her. Then, when it comes to doing the deed, she breaks down crying- and it's not going to be such a a fulfilling experience for her at all.
So, I think I need to work on establishing Freemont's motivation/expectations of what is going to happen-- and his belief that she really will want a bloody revenge on Marcus.

It seems that everyone here would much prefer the ending not be open-ended.
In my mind, Wanda didn't kill Freemont, but mugged him and stole his car. And there might be an interesting cliffhanger scene where Marcus might kill or beat the shit out of Freemont after he is kicked out of the car. Does that sound like a satisfying ending to you guys?

Thanks so much for the feedback! :)

Quoted from jeffjb91 In my mind, Wanda didn't kill Freemont, but mugged him and stole his car. And there might be an interesting cliffhanger scene where Marcus might kill or beat the shit out of Freemont after he is kicked out of the car. Does that sound like a satisfying ending to you guys?

Not at all.  I think we automatically like Mr. Freemont because, whatever his reasoning is, he offers Wanda a way out.  We kinda feel bad for Wanda, but to have her mug him and then have Marcus either beat the crap out of him or kill him would just end things on a real sour note, to say the least.

Maybe she shoots em both, steals the car and the money and hightails it out of there?   ;D  Seriously, I don't know, but keep thinking on this one.  I'm sure it'll come to you!

Steve

StevenClark- I suppose I sort of like a sour ending, since it's a sour life and shitty world that we're taking a glimpse into anyways.
But alright, I'll keep thinking on this one. Thanks again for the feedback.

I actually liked the open ended ending. A few typos, but nothing that got in the way of the read.

The opening dialogue was a little too cliche for me personally, but it picked up after her ultimatum was presented.

Well written, but I must say that it seemed a little over the top to have the Pimp interrupting her while with a client, but then again I am not very savvy to the ins and outs of American prostitution scene.

Interesting and you write well. Kudos.