The Visitor by Matthew Orobko - Short, Drama - Amidst record setting temperatures and a city-wide blackout a man receives a visit to his apartment from his past… 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

I don't mean this to sound rude. But there are a lot of formatting and structural discrepancies, and that's just the first page. I didn't read beyond that though so can't comment on the story itself.

I can see you want to write visually and that it's quite good...

EG.

"On the ceiling, a fan spins; sending shadows flickering
throughout the apartment."

A nice, well-written visual like that is fine when used sparingly. Really helps. But too much of this kind of thing and it's overkill.

I shouldn't say this because I struggle with over-writing myself but that wall of text on the first page is a killer for someone wanting to read. I used to be like that when I started off writing scripts. I'm much better with it than I used to be but still... nowhere near where I'd like to be.

It takes time. Read, write, rinse, repeat. Slowly but surely you'll develop those things. Some of it will happen subconsciously provided you do enough reading and writing and some will take hard work.

All the best.

-- Steve

Matt,
the dialogue flows well but the "action" writing is a little too much. The readers will get tired and stop reading. You can present the same scenes with less words. Polish the script and you'll be fine.
Best,
Fausto

The sentence on the top of page 2 is too long. 'The woman is nervous and almost ashamed to be here but this veiled by fake happiness.' Show don't tell. Maybe your characters could be more interesting. They come across to me as fairly standard nice people. This is surprising as Cassie's dad apparently doesn't care about her. Your story wasn't the most interesting in the world, but you're another person who could probably write for Neighbours.