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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Comedy Scripts / Wild East
Posted by: Don, March 27th, 2014, 3:58pm
Wild East by Dugan McShain (Duganinja) - Comedy - A young professional explores his family roots in rodeo country while trying to avoid the lackluster life that awaits him in a cubicle. 112 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Emanuel, March 31st, 2014, 6:04pm; Reply: 1
A few things to start off:
--"His name is Darryl WALKER and he is not a happy camper." -- You have already introduced Darryl Walker. No need to do it again.
--"He turns on the radio expecting music." -- How do you know he's expecting music? You want to show, not tell.
-- You should never have your character say something and then say something again on a different line. Ex:
DARRYL
Hello?
DARRYL
No...Honey... I can't believe it.
Hon...
So what?
DARRYL
DARRYL (weakly)
Oh yeah for how much?
DARRYL
Forget it I'll write the check.
DARRYL
For what?
DARRYL
I gotta go. Can I call you later?
-- Double spacing doesn't indicate a pause where the other person talks on the other end of the phone. This should be:
Hello?...No...Honey... I can't believe it. Hon...So what?...Oh yeah for how much?...Forget it, I'll write the check...For what?...I gotta go. Can I call you later?
--3 periods does the trick.
--So far, diolauge is good. Just Give this a quick touch up.
Good luck,
-Emanuel
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