Hello, Mr. Cookie! by Aleksey B. - Short, Sci Fi, Comedy - Lazy to cook or even to go grocery shopping? There's a brand new solution for you! (And it's not pizza...) 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Aleksey,

A lot of format problems here:

Jen’s HUSBAND

That's wrong. I prefer not to mention connections and relationships between characters which aren't described by what we see or hear.

INT. KITCHEN
...
That is the scene where we experience the characters relationship. And that's fine.

There's a fault in the kitchen scene: If Jen eats an omelet she can't finish it in 5 seconds. You have to break it up with a slug. I would use something like "LATER" here.

Next scene: I wouldn't call a character only "he" "she" "it" when I begin a new scene; even if it's clear that we met only two characters before.


"There she stands smiling playfully.
During this,"

Better sth. like.

"She smiles:"

The colon sometimes helps to identify that things happen same time.  Don't use terms like during this etc.


I can't think about when I had ordered a pizza which could be easily called an accident. But Ok I buy how you develop it.

Okay the payoff is that the husband, who is chef, feels offended by his wife, because she likes the "no-pizza" cookies.

The whole story doesn't thrill me. That there could be some kind of food compiler didn't amaze me as much as you might intend it here.

You definitely need to break up your descriptions to maximum 3 sentences most times. Try to imagine your single camera shots. Those shots have to be broken up.  Also the description can be broken up in case of behavior.

She drinks beer- paragraph

She puts her head on a cushion, puts her head down on it- paragraph.

Etc. etc.

There are too much redundant details everywhere.
A van could be the same or another one or this and that-
That's an example for- write what we see, just that. And keep the focus on the necessary details.

Hope this helps--

Hey,

I come back, because I think I didn't said something about the characters, and I guess that's what your primary interested in.

As I mentioned before I think the main plot isn't the real deal. So, the characters have to be very good. I think they aren't edgily enough. The characterization could me much flashier.

Jen has a nice picture with the boxing gloves. I think you "indicate" a bit that she's pretty and loveable, feisty, and humorous. Even if she's a bit lazy. Dramatize those features as much as possible. Give her more edges, more profile in this direction.

The only real conflict, the potential I see here- is, that you have a good girl, a bit stupid and crazy, but with a good heart and on the other side the husband (he needs a name) which is an asshole. He didn't appreciate her and he has to lose her in the end or sth.

I feel you go for some lightweight comedy, charming stuff and that's interesting. Nevertheless, the theme has to be better or the characters have to be magnificent.

For a better exchange you would have to join in...

Thanks, PrussianMosby! These tips are really helpful.

Quoted from PrussianMosby For a better exchange you would have to join in...

It was a short short story originally, nothing special, just played with the idea. Then I expanded it to a screenplay (which is my first actually) to put it into a contest, as an experiment. So I guess, the idea of the device was central, but I had to develop characters a bit to adapt it to the contest. The plot is weak, I agree.

Quoted from PrussianMosby Jen has a nice picture with the boxing gloves. I think you "indicate" a bit that she's pretty and loveable, feisty, and humorous. Even if she's a bit lazy. Dramatize those features as much as possible. Give her more edges, more profile in this direction.

So it has a potential afterall, contrary to my doubts. At some point, I was considering to remove it as irrelevant and silly.

Quoted from PrussianMosby You definitely need to break up your descriptions to maximum 3 sentences most times. Try to imagine your single camera shots. Those shots have to be broken up.  Also the description can be broken up in case of behavior.

I have a hard time with that (furthermore, I’ve cheated to keep the page count low, under the contest limit). Will try to follow your advice in the future.

Quoted from PrussianMosby There's a fault in the kitchen scene: If Jen eats an omelet she can't finish it in 5 seconds

So obvious now when you pointed at it... Shame I would never notice it by myself :)

Hey,

First screenplay. That puts another complexion on things. Then you come around talented and did a good job. I think you won't win that contest with your first play, but who knows, and nevertheless I encourage you to submit. It's always good to move with your stuff around and offer it to somebody.

When I remember which youth stories I typed when I started. Man, extremely embraceable. In my defense, I have to say, I started with a feature.  

That's what I suggest you to do, too. When you write 100 pages or more, edit them and read what you've done, you'll see what screenwriting is. How hard you have to work and how complex it is.

Coming back to "Hello, Mister Cookie."

I don't think you have a page count problem. Just delete every word which isn't necessary to tell your story. Imagine you sit in the cinema hall and watch your movie. What would be the things you focus on? What is eye-catching? The whole other stuff isn't needed.

Make it the best possible script from your side. That's all you can do. Then

good luck with the contest.

First off, I want to say that the name Aleksey is very unique. I really like it :)

I don't really have much to add, but maybe cut back on your actions a tad, especially in the beginning. You spend a lot of time describing things that I feel are unnecessary. For example, when Jen's husband is cooking, you don't really have to go into a lot of detail about what he's holding. Just say he's able to kill two birds with one stone, he knows his way around the kitchen...something to that effect.

Other than that, this has great potential! Now, sit down and revise, revise, revise.