Jowls by Anon… Anon… Anon… - Short, Shark - Four people on a boat. In the water. With a shark. A big one. Beeg teeth. Very beeg. - pdf, format 8)

Well here it is! My "favorite" of the submissionbs so far!! Hard to imagine, but I'm sure that this one was written about five days ago from today. Because that's what it feels like. an April Fools. ::)

I didn't mind a few fourth wall breaks, but y'know when a character complains about "not having enough pages" but the writer puts this in

Quoted Text The taxi pulls up in front of erm, a boat. A big boat. No, a bigger boat. Well, it's a quite big yacty... yawt... yacth... hang on. Yacht. That's it. I think so. It's as big as the budget allows. Yeah, right

And things like that?
Bull shit.

Take that all out and you had your script. It may not have been knocking my socks off, but at least you won't insult anyone's IQ. Keep this in mind: you are not Shane Black, and neither am I.

But nice effort. Just for that...



Yes. I'm not serious. It was far and large NOT my "favorite". In fact, I found it to be mpre of a piss-pot.

Well...2 pissers in a row.

This one was a tough slog with all the inane asides and banter.  I skimmed the last few pages, but was glad to see the jumping shark take peeps out in 1 bite - very funny.

The writer sure has a voice, but it's quite an annoying one, IMO.  Just way too many inside jokes or old cliche asides/descriptions.  If you could tone down all the superfluous shit, I bet you'd be a good writer.

Congrats on entering.

This one took a bit to get going. Probably could have shaved off a few pages at the beginning and moved the four straight into the dinner scene. Even there you could scaled back some as well. I actually enjoyed the comedy throughout even though we were told not to go in that direction.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Ya know, the author obviously has skill.

What a shame that he/she is also a jerk for wasting everyone's time.

Look, a little Shane Black is fine. It makes for an interesting read in what might otherwise be a fairly blah story. But where a little goes a long way, a lot just gets tedious.

But this was different, because you transition from "cool" to (quickly) annoying, then on to boring... and finally - insulting.

Why "insulting"?

Because you felt it was fine to waste my time. While my time might not be worth a thousand an hour, it's certainly not worth nothing. I spent time reading this pile all the way through out of courtesy to YOU... but the way you ended it... it's obvious that you had no plan for the piece... just wrote some semi-witty banter... and then broke down and started talking to the reader with the only goal being to - you know, I don't know what your plan was.

It's not laziness. It's not funny. It's disrespectful of the people who tried to write something worth reading, and of the time those same people (and others) spent reading your "document" with the intent of providing comments, critique and assistance.

I'm sure this is falling on deaf ears, but maybe it's not and you'll consider others when you ask them to read your "work".

Kind of funny to think this has better writing and dialogue than most entries so far. Shame the writer didn't write a serious script, or maybe they did... They can obviously write. Anyway...

Loving Lenny's dialogue so far.

"Overworked waiters attempt aloofness despite their puny wages
and penguin suits." Surprisingly good line, great job here.

Yeah, the writer has definitely been writing for a while. Knows their way around a script.

"LENNY
Yoda could not have put it better." Funny, exact thought came into my head before I read that.

"She look like after I do bam bam
big boy." WTF, hahaha.

Okay, hilarious. Solid job. Even though it's a pisser, it's one of my favourites so far. Don't think it was written by a yank, really does narrow the whole facade into a group of competent writers. Wish I wrote it. The asides worked well with the tone I felt. Great work!

This reads like it's about nothing. And for a comedy it's not funny at all. There are some funny comedies on the site even one pisser that I can recommend you to read. Because comedies (or pissers) are hard to pull off and you were not able to do it in my opinion.

Written really well... shame you didn't take the contest seriously though. Can't believe you actually put a strict copyright warning on the script, lol. One final touch of irony?

Jowls

For some reason like the title and I like the light hearted logline, even if it would bomb in a real competition - it's different

Let's see....

A shark free living room - soooo dull
Lenny - from a shark tales perhaps?
It's another illegal comedy - bad writer, bad

This is very slapstick as I go along and to be honest even I would have hit Lenny by page 8 but i enjoyed some of the lines

Finished, stopped taking notes.

I'm not sure I have read such a spoof as that, even had a fourth wall break, or what ever they call it. He looks to the camera, shrugs , see I'm at it as well :-))

A lot of fun, lots of pun and one liners, close to bugger all story, but who cares.

If I was going to be picky, which means I am, I think the busy restaurant scene overstepped the four characters part, but let's me honest it was a little late by that stage

Cheers

Right, well I’m not a ‘Pisstake Aficionado’; however, I have read a few that made me laugh so hard that, I actually had to stop reading them to save further loss of motor skills. This didn’t quite do that for me.

Although this was quite funny at times, I am confused as to why you would go this route, considering your writing is very good.  Alas, writing is all about creating characters that instantly resonate with the reader, and Raphael was one of them. I think he would be a great character in a comedy piece, not a pisser. He kind of reminded me of The Zohan… smell it, smell it… now take it!

Still, good work on getting in a script for the OWC, even if it was a little over the top.

Hey.

"Classy, elegant. Shark free. There’s a fish tank, though. For
y’know... atmosphere."

Play with your readers in a different way, not like that.

Okay, I read further...

This is avant-garde writing. A movie can be avant-garde and split opinions, no problem; the writing and delivery shouldn't. Whatever this will be, I don't ignore that you decided to deliver it that way. It's too unconventional. Sorry

Knew it was a pisser from the first line but carried on anyway. Some of the dialogue made me smile and the descriptions had a touch of Terry Pratchett, seems like a fellow UK citizen has wrote this maybe?

But it quickly became annoying and I skimmed the rest. I noticed the cameo appeareance of the shark though.

Thanks for trying to make us laugh, I'm sure some will appreicate it more than me.

Mark

I feel like this was so drawn out. I got lost in the conversation. I didn’t care about any of the characters. I wasn’t sure if this was meant to be funny or what, but I didn’t get any laughs and am out by page 8...was surprised they didn’t get to the boat until then.

Good on  you for completing a script in the one week challenge.

After reading this script I have only questions...

Why did someone write an entire script consisting of mainly light banter at a dinner date?

Why did I read said script all the way to the end?

But most importantly...

Why wasn't this a story about a pathetic elderly shark that could only gum people to death?

erm...

Congrats on entering the OWC?  ;)

About half a page and then out - good p$ssers are fine - and I don't really think you should be able to tell a p$sser early on - getting them after a few pages is the best way.

Quoted from Forgive About half a page and then out - good p$ssers are fine - and I don't really think you should be able to tell a p$sser early on - getting them after a few pages is the best way.

That's actually a great point, Simon.  I agree with you completely.

Here was some skill on display here and the writer has experience and confidence to write some of the descriptions and actions with...umm...flair?

Anyway, some of the humor worked. Some didn't. The dinner banter could have cut down. Having the two women start to cheer at the start of the fight didn't seem right but then again a lot with this is backwards anyway...

12. Jowls - Four people on a boat. In the water. With a shark. A big one. Beeg teeth. Very beeg.
Brief - Two swinging metro couples have a hapless yacht ride, and there’s a shark

Characters to Animate/Voice - 4
Belinda, Lenny, Raphael, Melissa
Scenes to Build  - 7
Livingroom, Taxi, Restaurant INT + Streetside, Marina, Yacht INT + EXT, Ocean
Accessory Visual - >9
C/u of dolphin earrings, make up application, moving restaurant employees + patrons, handshake, peck, menus, champaign, pants, dress, shark
Accessory Audio - >9
Couch crash, car white noise, city noise, restaurant din, harbor + ocean waves, bang 2x, glasses break, yacht pitch,

Genre & Marketability - Drama
Script format - Fair
Comments  -  
Some/many of these details are gonna get scrubbed for economy’s sake. Hilarious McCartney reference. By the time we get to the restaurant on pg 3 I’m already thinking of cutting the opening sequence, just FYI. Personally, as a producer, I really don’t mind this writing style as I’m much more concerned with the nuts and bolts of substance rather than style, but I can see why there’s so much grievance over how you’ve written this. Would probably skip the couples introduction, cut straight from taxi to seated.
     Stressful, semi-confrontational dinner convo = nice! I don’t get pg7’s “computer” reference. Story’s draggin’ by the end of pg7. “Front of the boat” is called the bow. Lenny’s a dick.
     Alright, I’m dropping consideration a few lines into page eleven. Story’s getting pretty retarded.
Final word - Pass. Dumb story. Don’t waste people’s time, dickweed.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 11.8          Screenplay Pages
= 118/177     Total Build Hours Time Cost

The characters were well defined and the story was interesting enough to let me fear for their safety and yet be glad when the shark leapt up.
The scene at the restaurant was terrific, the discussion / presentation of the food was plenty good.
And the glass-like shattered molars were memorable especially because they were unseen.
This was fun to read.

As others stated, your writing is good. Unfortunatley the story isn’t. It became obvious halfway through you weren’t taking this serious. That’s fine, if it actually had me laughing. A few lines might have brought a smile to my face. But that’s about it. Too much banter at the dinner table that ran on for 8 pages.

Could we have thrown in any more itlaian clichés? I think you strateched that gag to it’s breaking point.

Your formula for comedy is Raphael being the foreign funny man, and Lenny being the straight man. This would have worked if it was executed better. Most of your jokes were just comic jabs derived from Raphael’s accent and misuse of the language.

I did like that Tito Jackson line,. When Lenny’s like…Tito, my favorite.

I think your descriptions were funnier than your dialogue. Shame you can’t film that.

Your ending just felt like it was slapped together. Maybe that was your idea. It’s just if I’m going to read 12 pages of a comedy, there’re at least two things I expect. 1) That it makes me laugh. 2) That it was at least put together with a somewhat serious effort. Neither of these were apparent when reading your script.

So the writing is good. Unfortunatlely it felt like you didn’t put much effort in constructing a solid story. On the upside…There was a shark.

Best of luck

Well...  I have to say, this is the most fun I've had so far in this OWC.  Complete, utter pisser of course.  Someone had a BALL writing this.  Here are the lines I felt stood out:

When all my troubles seemed so far
away.

How old is she this time? Twenty
three again?

Belinda pulls a face. It’s not pleasant.

Posh is not the word. Well, it’ll do.

The taxi pulls up in front of erm, a boat. A big boat. No, a
bigger boat. Well, it’s a quite big yacty... yawt... yacth...
hang on. Yacht. That’s it. I think so. It’s as big as the
budget allows. Yeah, right.

I’ve had longer sneezes.

I think we jumped it a few
pages back.

And the sudden appearance of the shark on page 11?  Hysterical.  :)

Obviously disqualified.  But quite obviously a pleasure to read, too.

Cheers,

--Janet

Amusing read, I had fun with it for the first six or so pages before it waded too deep into absurdity and childishness.

Quoted from wonkavite Well...  I have to say, this is the most fun I've had so far in this OWC. --Janet

Sums it up for me perfectly as well. Generally I'm not fond of piss-takes, but this was a helluva lot of fun and had me laughing out loud.

I think quite a bit of work went into making it funny and silly and inventive too. All the fishy references and creative asides and the breaking of the fourth wall through dialogue:  

From: 'I'm fried', and 'piranha' on the menu to: 'Melissa gives a look that would frighten horses' & the Bryan Singer reference there's little on the surface of this one, but a lot more if you delve deep (pun intended).

A couple of little criticisms:  I think you should have used the term: 'lists' instead of 'shifts' and I coulda done without the 'bugger my granny' line, but thats just cause of my sophisticated sensibilities.  ;D

"A huge shark flies through the air and grabs Melissa."  That nobody notices and they keep going with the fight is very entertaining and though maybe stretching it a bit could be a little social commentary nod? But then again... anyway it worked for me.

Overall anything that cracks me up and has me laughing in my chair gets my popular vote. We all know this is not going to win a mug cause that credit will go to a legit entry.

Having said that, a special thanks to Don for allowing one of the more clever send-ups like this to be allowed a hall pass.

Alright, so... now that I've had time to catch up on a few more pressing matters...

(Ren, Ren, Ren... sigh... chuckles)

Tell me WHY you chose to go this route, writing and submitting a pisser?

I'm not at all being judgmental, I just have a casual interest in the decision making process of how someone goes from "I could do such-and-such" to "Hail, yeah! I think I will... pound, pound, pound... SEND-ola! Ahahahahahaha!"

Thank you, sincerely.

Quoted from RW (Ren, Ren, Ren... sigh... chuckles)

Yeeeaaasss? (Why are you talking in parentheses?)

Quoted from RW Tell me WHY you chose to go this route, writing and submitting a pisser?

I don't subscribe to this 'pisser' idea. Nobody considers Life Of Brian anything other than a comedy. Not that Jowls is a patch on it.

I did it BECAUSE I hoped I'd get this -

Quoted from LC but this was a helluva lot of fun and had me laughing out loud.

and this -

Quoted from Wonkavite Well...  I have to say, this is the most fun I've had so far in this OWC.

Some seemed to really enjoy it. Others took it as some type of personal affront. They need to get out more.

Far as I know there was mention of no pissers with a shark in a swimming pool. I didn't think I was breaking any rules.

And writing it was a lot of fun.

R

Fair enough.

Thanks.

Now then. About time to respond to these posts. First up, Steve McQueen...

Quoted from DJS Well here it is! My "favorite" of the submissionbs so far!! Hard to imagine, but I'm sure that this one was written about five days ago from today. Because that's what it feels like. an April Fools.

Erm no. I thought it was funny. Not a practical joke.

Quoted from DJS I didn't mind a few fourth wall breaks...

I doubt this is entirely true.

Quoted from DJS ...but y'know when a character complains about "not having enough pages" but the writer puts this in referring to A four line description about a yawt...a yatch etc... And things like that? Bull s***.

Ooooh. Bit strong. Almost a kick in cock.

Take it you seriously didn't find it funny. However, some did. Like Wonkavite for instance. Few others. Me too.

Joint second in the voting as well. And no, I didn't vote for it myself. I never do. I'm not that sad.

Quoted from DJS Take that all out and you had your script. It may not have been knocking my socks off, but at least you won't insult anyone's IQ. Keep this in mind: you are not Shane Black, and neither am I. But nice effort. Just for that... Yes. I'm not serious. It was far and large NOT my "favorite". In fact, I found it to be mpre of a p*ss-pot.

Well. I've always thought that when you have to explain sarcasm it tends to lose its potency.

I wasn't insulting anyone's IQ. Funny you should think so. It was a comedy script. Why would you appear to get upset?

If so, why allow it in the OWC at all? Having cake and eating it. If a bouncer lets a drunk guy in a club he can hardly complain with any authority about said drunk falling over and dribbling.

No, I'm not Shane Black, thank Christ.

A mire of a piss-pot? Oh dear. I do sense you really didn't like it. Dedums.

R

Lots more later.

And now back into the breach.

Quoted from Dreamscale Well...2 pissers in a row.

Says the fella who wrote one himself.

And you're talking just after you just reviewed your own. Shameless.

Quoted from Dreamscale This one was a tough slog with all the inane asides and banter.

Yes. I should have gone more for 'the man falls over his own penis' type routine with some Carry on Benny Hill stuff from the 70s. Far more subtle and sophisticated.

Quoted from Dreamscale I skimmed the last few pages, but was glad to see the jumping shark take peeps out in 1 bite - very funny.

I'm very pleased to hear you found something funny.

Quoted from Dreamscale The writer sure has a voice, but it's quite an annoying one, IMO.

What one hand giveth the other will surely take away. I believe the technical term for this is a compliment shit sandwich.

Quoted from Dreamscale Congrats on completing the OWC.

Thanks! If only your review of mione was half as good as the one you gave yourself.

Quoted from DV44 This one took a bit to get going. Probably could have shaved off a few pages at the beginning and moved the four straight into the dinner scene. Even there you could scaled back some as well. I actually enjoyed the comedy throughout even though we were told not to go in that direction.

I probably could have shaved a whole lot off but I liked it.

Glad you enjoyed the comedy. I wasn't told not to go in that direction but reading the manual was never one of my stronger points. What next? No tragedy? Absolutely no irony? Oh the irony in that...

Much more axe grinding coming up soon.

R

Hey, Ren.

Sorry I called you a dickweed. :)


I honestly feel pretty bad about it.

I forgot about that, RayW.

Don't feel bad about it. Apology gratefully accepted. I often get called far worse. By my relatives, too. The cheeky barstards.

I'm just glad I'm not a sensitive seventeen year old who might have taken it to heart.

We should all bear in mind the OWC is anonymous. We've no real idea who wrote what until Don says. Comments should be measured accordingly.

Thankfully I'm a thick skinned tosser. Which is just as well seeing the cock kicking given to Jowls.

Now I'm going to work on my next comedy, especially for Jeff and all those who loved my last one so much. That is after I find my kettle. It's not in the bedroom or the dog basket. You would think it'd be in the kitchen where I left it but it's like my youthful twinkle and innocence - gone!

Think I'm gonna have a look in the cellar.

R

This was my favourite of both the non serious attempts. This was adult wit at play, until the slapstick at the end, but the going was good until absurdity crept in... which is chuckle-worthy, purely because it is absurd. I suppose one has to build up to it. First wit, then comes sarcasm, then total absurdity.

The difference with Jeff's is that it is absurd from the outset. Straight in with the juvenile humour.

Wit and even sarcasm takes some intelligence... and that is what made the difference with this script. This isn't a pisser. That's a definition Jeff made up to explain away his piss-poor story creating ability. A pisser where I come from implies something bad... it's not a joke.

Much of this script was funny and a real comedy, I'd like to see how it would translate onto the screen. There's more to acting than dialogue... there are some that are great facial actors. Ask them to pull a face like they're taking a dump... and they can do it. Some are really good... make a face like you're thinking about the time your family died in a car crash... then you remember you've left something in the oven... and it's probably burning. There is a lot that can be shown or done without dialogue or even much action. Body language plays a part too. It was nice to read people actually sitting down in this script... and I think more can be done to ramp up the conflicts between these people at the dinner table.

I definitely think rendevous has a talent for comedy, particularly the dry, droll wit that we British are so naturally good at. Yes, it can often delve into sarcasm or even absurdity, but there is a definite market for it, I feel. Have you tried the BBC?

This was my favourite review of the whole OWC...

Quoted from TimWestland Ya know, the author obviously has skill.

Hmmm. Posts that start this way usually end with a very different tone. Somewhat like patting the dog then giving it a big kick it up the arse.

Quoted from TimWestland What a shame that he/she is also a jerk for wasting everyone's time.

Oooh. No time wasted getting to the real point. A jerk! Bit strong. I wonder if it will get better.

Everybody's time. Ahuh, Timmy also speaks for everyone now. A spokesman for the people. Like Mandela and Gandhi.

But please, Timmy - spokesman for the masses - pray continue..

Quoted from TimWestland Look, a little Shane Black is fine. It makes for an interesting read in what might otherwise be a fairly blah story. But where a little goes a long way, a lot just gets tedious.

I see. Fascinating insight. I'm sure you're great fun at parties.

And what is it with this Shane Black business? Does he have a patent on asides or something? I do believe other writers are available.

To summarise so far. I'm a skilled jerk who gets tedious. Hmmm, just to prove the point -

Quoted from TimWestland But this was different, because you transition from "cool" to (quickly) annoying, then on to boring... and finally - insulting. Why "insulting"?

I don't even recall hitting 'cool'. Was it my hairstyle and new shoes? And not just annoying - quickly annoying. God forbid you let a compliment linger too long.

And yes Timmy, why insulting? I don't think I mentioned any of your family. Insulted! This is getting priceless.

Quoted from TimWestland Because you felt it was fine to waste my time.

I wasted your time! I just have to repeat that... I wasted your time!

It wasn't you. Oh no. It was me! How did I manage that with just a pdf?

You should see what I can do with a spreadsheet.

You seem to lack basic self control, Tim. What, are you driven by an uncontrollable urges to find and read all of my scripts to the very end and then suffer the inevitable consequences?

A fate worse than that suffered by Prometheus.

How could I possibly waste your time?

Quoted from TimWestland but the way you ended it... it's obvious that you had no plan for the piece... just wrote some semi-witty banter... and then broke down and started talking to the reader with the only goal being to - you know, I don't know what your plan was

It may have been obvious to you. Oh, I forgot. You speak for the huddled masses. Sorry. Everybody felt the same.

I'm still amused by the idea you got to the end.

You don't know what my plan was? But you said I didn't have one.

Goal being - you know? Erm, no. I don't. Were you a tad tense when you wrote this? You can hardly slag me and my ending off if you write incoherently. You know?

Quoted from TimWestland It's not laziness. It's not funny.

I see. I'm beginning to sense you didn't like it.

Quoted from TimWestland It's disrespectful of the people who tried to write something worth reading, and of the time those same people (and others) spent reading your "document" with the intent of providing comments, critique and assistance

Disrespectful! Oh Tim, you really are quite something. I would take the piss further but I feel you are already so offended by of all things, a mere script, it would be unsporting of me.

I'm so much wiser now. This post has been filled with bundles of critique and assistance. I don't know how I managed before you came into my life.

Quoted from TimWestland I'm sure this is falling on deaf ears, but maybe it's not and you'll consider others when you ask them to read your "work".

Me and my "work" will continue as ever, oh world spokesman. Despite your advice to contrary. You've got no idea who I even am.

And no, I read every precious word that came from your busy and insulted mind, Tim. Occasionally on dark nights when I'm alone I'll reread your pearls of wisdom just to remind myself what a fool I've been. To put myself back on the right path lest I fall from grace again.

I'll consider others at all times. In the same way you posted this bizzare diatribe in an anonymous competition.

You would think a man with a Bob Hope avatar would have some form of a sense of humour.

To finish, I do note I've not seen your name often on here.

Are you one of those people who review a couple of OWC scripts and then swan off?

You couldn't be one of those types types, could you Tim?

That was awesome.

Responses as posted -

Quoted from nawazm11 Kind of funny to think this has better writing and dialogue than most entries so far. Shame the writer didn't write a serious script, or maybe they did... They can obviously write. Anyway... Loving Lenny's dialogue so far.

Before this I was beginning to wonder if any soul alive on here, apart from myself, would find any of this funny. Thank the Lord.

Quoted from nawazm11 "Overworked waiters attempt aloofness despite their puny wages and penguin suits." Surprisingly good line, great job here.

Thanks. I was rather proud of that one myself. The bit after, about the tiles, was based on what these places actually serve food on. Old fashioned plates are just soo last year. They seem to favour anything flat that should probably be on a roof or bathroom wall.

Quoted from nawazm11 Yeah, the writer has definitely been writing for a while. Knows their way around a script.

Usually this type of comment is followed by a harsh stream of comments wondering how I've the cojones to dare to write such a thing. So this was very refreshing...

Quoted from nawazm11 "LENNY Yoda could not have put it better." Funny, exact thought came into my head before I read that. "She look like after I do bam bam big boy." WTF, hahaha.

Some of my favourite lines. Bam bam big boy. One day someone will say this in a film. What a glorious day that will be. Although knowing my luck it will probably be Adam Sandler or Kevin James. And they'll kill it.

Quoted from nawazm11 Okay, hilarious. Solid job. Even though it's a pisser, it's one of my favourites so far. Don't think it was written by a yank, really does narrow the whole facade into a group of competent writers. Wish I wrote it. The asides worked well with the tone I felt. Great work!

Thanks Nawazm. I do enjoy well put praise. I was going to Yankify it but found I was killing the humour. So I didn't. Glad to know you enjoyed so much.

Quoted from khamanna This reads like it's about nothing. And for a comedy it's not funny at all.

Had a feeling it wouldn't last. Here we go.

Quoted from khamanna There are some funny comedies on the site even one pisser that I can recommend you to read.

I very much doubt we like the same type of comedy. So I'll pass, if you don't mind.

Quoted from khamanna Because comedies (or pissers) are hard to pull off and you were not able to do it in my opinion.

Lets just call them comedies. We don't don't horrors 'scaries' or thrillers 'tensies', now do we?

They are hard to pull off. I did put a lot of effort into it. But just because you didn't like it doesn't mean I didn't manage it. You may disagree. But the folks who did enjoy it would disagree with you.

Quoted from Dustin Written really well... shame you didn't take the contest seriously though. Can't believe you actually put a strict copyright warning on the script, lol. One final touch of irony?

Thanks. I was going to write a serious one but changed my mind. So I wrote this instead. The copyright warning made me laugh too. And if anyone rips it off I can also sue.

Be back later.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer For some reason like the title and I like the light hearted logline, even if it would bomb in a real competition - it's different

I had a good think about what was likely to turn up from some others. A lot of the script is about that.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer A shark free living room - soooo dull Lenny - from a shark tales perhaps? It's another illegal comedy - bad writer, bad

My comedies have been called many things. Illegal is a new one. And yes, Lenny. Perhaps.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer This is very slapstick as I go along and to be honest even I would have hit Lenny by page 8 but i enjoyed some of the lines

I take this as a compliment.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer I'm not sure I have read such a spoof as that, even had a fourth wall break, or what ever they call it. He looks to the camera, shrugs , see I'm at it as well )

Again, I'll compliment take.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer A lot of fun, lots of pun and one liners, close to bugger all story, but who cares.

Steady now. You're spoiling it.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer If I was going to be picky, which means I am, I think the busy restaurant scene overstepped the four characters part, but let's me honest it was a little late by that stage

Indeed. I did the restaurant so you got to know the characters. Not being allowed more than four meant the lack of a waiter. Who was going to be this type who would be Hitlerish but born in Ireland. So, all things considered, it could have been a lot worse.

Many thanks.

Quoted from AsfarasSiam Although this was quite funny at times, I am confused as to why you would go this route, considering your writing is very good.

Because I wanted a laugh. Had a go and I liked it. There's loads of time for serious stuff.

Quoted from AsfarasSiam Alas, writing is all about creating characters that instantly resonate with the reader, and Raphael was one of them. I think he would be a great character in a comedy piece, not a pisser. He kind of reminded me of The Zohan… smell it, smell it… now take it!

Been a while since I saw the Zohan but I remember enough to be amused and pleased with the comparison.

Quoted from AsfarasSiam Still, good work on getting in a script for the OWC, even if it was a little over the top.

Thanks. And trust me, it could have been way more over.

Quoted from PrussianMosby Hey. "Classy, elegant. Shark free. There’s a fish tank, though. For y’know... atmosphere." Play with your readers in a different way, not like that.

I used to have a teacher who talked like that. She was not popular.

Quoted from PrussianMosby Okay, I read further... This is avant-garde writing. A movie can be avant-garde and split opinions, no problem; the writing and delivery shouldn't. Whatever this will be, I don't ignore that you decided to deliver it that way. It's too unconventional. Sorry

Erm, no. This is comedy writing. It's been done too many times before to be considered unorthodox. Maybe not so much in an OWC. Anyway I'll take that as a compliment. It's probably easier for everyone.

If you didn't find it funny - fine. Don't be sorry about it.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Knew it was a pisser from the first line but carried on anyway.

And why not.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Some of the dialogue made me smile and the descriptions had a touch of Terry Pratchett, seems like a fellow UK citizen has wrote this maybe?

Maybe.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw But it quickly became annoying and I skimmed the rest. I noticed the cameo appeareance of the shark though.

It would have churlish not to include it.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Thanks for trying to make us laugh, I'm sure some will appreicate it more than me.

Some did. Though not as many as I hoped.

Quoted from WhenPigsFly I feel like this was so drawn out. I got lost in the conversation. I didn’t care about any of the characters. I wasn’t sure if this was meant to be funny or what, but I didn’t get any laughs and am out by page 8...was surprised they didn’t get to the boat until then.

Oh dear. You weren't sure if it was meant to be funny. Still, sure enough to mention you didn't find it so.

Quoted from WhenPigsFly Good on  you for completing a script in the one week challenge.

Yes. Good on me. I wrote a script you didn't like or even finish.

Quoted from EWall433 After reading this script I have only questions... Why did someone write an entire script consisting of mainly light banter at a dinner date?

Yes, why would they do that?

Quoted from EWall433 Why did I read said script all the way to the end?

Are you talking to yourself or looking in the mirror? And why are you asking me? No, I don't know where your bus pass is either.

Quoted from EWall433 But most importantly... Why wasn't this a story about a pathetic elderly shark that could only gum people to death?

Because I don't find that funny.

Quoted from EWall433 erm... Congrats on entering the OWC?

Are you asking me?

Quoted from Forgive About half a page and then out - good p$ssers are fine - and I don't really think you should be able to tell a p$sser early on - getting them after a few pages is the best way.

Pissers. Why does everyone keep talking about the male toilets?

Some would disgree with the latter half. I'd be one of them

All of half a page? Sorry to keep to you.

R

Quoted from Forgive About half a page and then out - good p$ssers are fine - and I don't really think you should be able to tell a p$sser early on - getting them after a few pages is the best way.

Quoted from Dreamscale That's actually a great point, Simon.  I agree with you completely.

Seems disingenuous to me.

It also sounds like you're talking about men urinating.

Quoted from CrusaderVoice Here was some skill on display here and the writer has experience and confidence to write some of the descriptions and actions with...umm...flair?

Thanks.

Quoted from CrusaderVoice Anyway, some of the humor worked. Some didn't. The dinner banter could have cut down. Having the two women start to cheer at the start of the fight didn't seem right but then again a lot with this is backwards anyway...

It isn't Chekov, that's for sure. I thought the women cheering on the fight would be quite funny. Much the way they do outside pubs and bars and the playground. It's also the perfect time for a shark attack.

Oh. That's it. Fair enough. Felt like you half way through a thought there, CV. Moving on...

Quoted from RayW Some/many of these details are gonna get scrubbed for economy’s sake. Hilarious McCartney reference.

Glad you liked it. I've no idea what the numbers you state are. I'm sure you've posted explanations for this but I kinda zone out when this stuff is mentioned.

Quoted from RayW By the time we get to the restaurant on pg 3 I’m already thinking of cutting the opening sequence, just FYI. Personally, as a producer, I really don’t mind this writing style as I’m much more concerned with the nuts and bolts of substance rather than style, but I can see why there’s so much grievance over how you’ve written this. Would probably skip the couples introduction, cut straight from taxi to seated.

It may have been over the top. But I did find it funny, And what's more - I still do.

Quoted from RayW Story’s draggin’ by the end of pg7. “Front of the boat” is called the bow. Lenny’s a dick.      Alright, I’m dropping consideration a few lines into page eleven. Story’s getting pretty retarded. Final word - Pass. Dumb story. Don’t waste people’s time, dickweed.

I'll skip over the dickweed comment as we've covered that already.

As for the time business and wasting it this still bewilders. Nobody made anyone do anything. This isn't the Nobel or Booker prize here. It's a mug. A very nice one. But it's still a mug.

The story's getting retarded? You mean it's not up there with Orwell and Joyce? I thought you'd have figured that out before the end of page 7.

Quoted from c m halll The characters were well defined and the story was interesting enough to let me fear for their safety and yet be glad when the shark leapt up.

Hey. Sounds like it worked for you. If only others were as enlightened and wise.

Quoted from c m halll The scene at the restaurant was terrific, the discussion / presentation of the food was plenty good.

Obviously I completely agree. It made Kramer vs Kramer look like an Adam Sandler movie.

Quoted from c m halll And the glass-like shattered molars were memorable especially because they were unseen. This was fun to read.

I thank you kindly. It is reviews like this that remind me I haven't lost the plot. More later. I'm just going to read that last one again before I frame it and put it on the wall.

R

Quoted from Reel-truth As others stated, your writing is good. Unfortunatley the story isn’t. It became obvious halfway through you weren’t taking this serious. That’s fine, if it actually had me laughing. A few lines might have brought a smile to my face. But that’s about it. Too much banter at the dinner table that ran on for 8 pages.

Ah well. Some did laugh. 8 pages? Did it? I'm going to check. Nope - four pages. It may have felt like eight to you. But it wasn't.

Quoted from Reel-truth Could we have thrown in any more itlaian clichés? I think you strateched that gag to it’s breaking point.

I think you mean Italian. Oh no. I could have mentioned gangsters, the second world war, hot tempers, philandering ala Belusconi, pizza, Catholics, football, talking with their hands, jealousy. There's loads. Absolutely loads.

Quoted from Reel-truth Your formula for comedy is Raphael being the foreign funny man, and Lenny being the straight man. This would have worked if it was executed better. Most of your jokes were just comic jabs derived from Raphael’s accent and misuse of the language.

Erm no. There's some of that. But there's also two women fawning over him. And Lenny's got as many jokes as Raphael. By the end it's clear he's not even Italian. I could have executed differently. Better in your humble.

Some of my jokes were jabs on accent and language misuse. Quite a few, come to think of it. But there's plays on Jaws and shark films, the fact that it seems Lenny's gonna get eaten, Lenny's lack of performance. And the Tito line you liked. There are more but you didn't like them much the first time. I doubt repeating them will cause you to find them more amusing.

Quoted from Reel-truth I think your descriptions were funnier than your dialogue. Shame you can’t film that.

Quite. I could have a go.

Ah, I see now what you're doing there. You didn't find the descriptions funny either. Alas.

Quoted from Reel-truth Your ending just felt like it was slapped together. Maybe that was your idea. It’s just if I’m going to read 12 pages of a comedy, there’re at least two things I expect. 1) That it makes me laugh. 2) That it was at least put together with a somewhat serious effort. Neither of these were apparent when reading your script.

Oh dear. A tad harsh. There's loads of comedies that don't make me laugh. But they do make other people laugh. Somebody's paying hard cash to see Sandler movies. And there has to be somebody watching those Two and Half Men repeats. I do wonder who often but if there wasn't they'd stop showing them.

Point is comedy ain't as universal as drama or thriller. Different strokes, and all that.

This was put together with quite a lot of effort and time. It wasn't thrown up after a mad dash of typing. Assuming so because you didn't like it much is somewhat on the rough side. Plus - quite a few liked it a lot. Joint second in the voting. Were they all wrong?

Quoted from Reel-truth So the writing is good. Unfortunatlely it felt like you didn’t put much effort in constructing a solid story. On the upside…There was a shark.

I think we covered that. It was a farce. Absurd. Madcap. Which was the point. People don't read Dostoevsky and then go 'It wasn't very funny, was it?' Why would the inverse be true?

R

Quoted from wonkavite Well...  I have to say, this is the most fun I've had so far in this OWC.  Complete, utter pisser of course.  Someone had a BALL writing this.  Here are the lines I felt stood out: When all my troubles seemed so far away. How old is she this time? Twenty three again? Belinda pulls a face. It’s not pleasant. Posh is not the word. Well, it’ll do. The taxi pulls up in front of erm, a boat. A big boat. No, a bigger boat. Well, it’s a quite big yacty... yawt... yacth... hang on. Yacht. That’s it. I think so. It’s as big as the budget allows. Yeah, right. I’ve had longer sneezes. I think we jumped it a few pages back. And the sudden appearance of the shark on page 11?  Hysterical.   Obviously disqualified.  But quite obviously a pleasure to read, too.

Glad you liked it. And I did have a ball. Several.

It wasn't disqualified. It came second. I'm reminded of the time I came second in the 100 metres at school and got a badge. I like badges...

Many thanks. Reading that it made people laugh is very enjoyable. And always will be.

Quoted from renec Amusing read, I had fun with it for the first six or so pages before it waded too deep into absurdity and childishness.

Straight to the point and straight out again. As someone once said 'I've had longer sneezes.' Too deep is relative. But for each own their. Or words to that effect.

Quoted from LC Generally I'm not fond of p*ss-takes, but this was a helluva lot of fun and had me laughing out loud.

Very glad to hear. And the point of what I was trying to do.

Quoted from LC I think quite a bit of work went into making it funny and silly and inventive too. All the fishy references and creative asides and the breaking of the fourth wall through dialogue:   From: 'I'm fried', and 'piranha' on the menu to: 'Melissa gives a look that would frighten horses' & the Bryan Singer reference there's little on the surface of this one, but a lot more if you delve deep (pun intended).

Thank Christ someone noticed. I put loads in. I think I was the only one who did a bad hat gag.

Quoted from LC A couple of little criticisms:  I think you should have used the term: 'lists' instead of 'shifts' and I coulda done without the 'bugger my granny' line, but thats just cause of my sophisticated sensibilities.

Or pretentions... I have delusions of adequacy myself. Grandeur would be pushing it.

It didn't 'list'. That's different. Or it was in my head.

Quoted from LC "A huge shark flies through the air and grabs Melissa."  That nobody notices and they keep going with the fight is very entertaining and though maybe stretching it a bit could be a little social commentary nod? But then again... anyway it worked for me.

I thought it would look funny on screen. Not that it will ever get that far. Mind you, I'm sure the same was said of Sharkado. And Jack and Jill.

Quoted from LC Overall anything that cracks me up and has me laughing in my chair gets my popular vote. We all know this is not going to win a mug cause that credit will go to a legit entry. Having said that, a special thanks to Don for allowing one of the more clever send-ups like this to be allowed a hall pass.

Another mug slips from my grubby fingers. Regarding Don - indeed.

Many thanks. As said, making someone laugh is something entremely enjoyable. Pity it didn't work for more. But at least it worked for you.

I do wonder why this one got such a kicking compared to the other comedies. But I won't wonder for too long.

I think this is where I came in. Ah - one more.

Quoted from Dustin This was my favourite of both the non serious attempts. This was adult wit at play, until the slapstick at the end, but the going was good until absurdity crept in... which is chuckle-worthy, purely because it is absurd. I suppose one has to build up to it. First wit, then comes sarcasm, then total absurdity.

That's it about nailed. Obviously I agree with every word. It would be foolish of me not to.

Quoted from Dustin The difference with Jeff's is that it is absurd from the outset. Straight in with the juvenile humour.

Ah. I won't get involved as I'm sure he can speak for himself.

Quoted from Dustin Wit and even sarcasm takes some intelligence... and that is what made the difference with this script. This isn't a pisser. That's a definition Jeff made up to explain away his p*ss-poor story creating ability. A pisser where I come from implies something bad... it's not a joke.

I'm not fond of this pisser business either, They are comedies. There's all sorts.

Quoted from Dustin Much of this script was funny and a real comedy, I'd like to see how it would translate onto the screen. There's more to acting than dialogue... there are some that are great facial actors. Ask them to pull a face like they're taking a dump... and they can do it. Some are really good... make a face like you're thinking about the time your family died in a car crash... then you remember you've left something in the oven... and it's probably burning.

Alas I doubt Jowls will be coming to a cinema near you anytime soon. Still, you never know.

Quoted from Dustin There is a lot that can be shown or done without dialogue or even much action. Body language plays a part too. It was nice to read people actually sitting down in this script... and I think more can be done to ramp up the conflicts between these people at the dinner table.

There probably can. Funny how a lot suggest cutting the dinner scene. And also any talky scenes in a script. It's true some do have scripts with characters talking a lot but saying nothing interesting. I try not to be among them.

Quoted from Dustin I definitely think rendevous has a talent for comedy, particularly the dry, droll wit that we British are so naturally good at. Yes, it can often delve into sarcasm or even absurdity, but there is a definite market for it, I feel. Have you tried the BBC?

Well, I think rendevous has talent too. Hang on, I've gone all Craig David there.

Thanks for the kind comments. I did try the BBC, quite a few years ago. They said it'd take a while to get a response. And they weren't lying. Three months I think it was.

I got a very nice letter. It was a no. But still, probably the nicest 'no' I ever got. A fine detailed review and measured praise. I might try again. Probably best to wait until the Tories are gone.

R

Ren

Ok, since there is a few references to sharks in the prose I’m thinking this is tied in with the OWC criteria…A little bit of research later…and yes it’s a Jaws themed OWC, fair enough.

LENNY
How old is she this time? Twenty
three again?

- Ha good line.

LENNY
The oil guy with the wart on his
nose. Looked a bit like a gnome.
Had that weird smell. Like cheese
and fish in a sweaty bathroom.

- Nice.

LENNY
You mean in a shop?

- I enjoyed the line but given that he and Belinda are a couple she should know his humour (or level of stupidity) by now so I wouldn’t have her try to explain what she meant in the next line. Rather just acknowledge the joke/misinterpretation. Perhaps a simple rolling of eye would cover both ;)

“The beautiful people dine on overpriced and nearly raw meat
served on what appears to be roofing tiles. It’s busy.
Overworked waiters attempt aloofness despite their puny wages
and penguin suits.

- Good writing, amusing.

Loving the aside laden prose in general. As long as you can keep it relatively tight and not get too carried away until it starts getting in the way of the story.

LENNY
Alright. Sorry. Just bein’
friendly. So, what do you do,
Raphael Lenny.

- Yay, I can always get behind a Home Alone reference. Kate McCallister: “Say goodnight, Kevin” and the little tyke’s response was...

BELINDA
Kenny flogs pirate CDs out of the
back of a van. Hardly the same
thing, now is it, Lenny?

- I love this reveal of what Lenny’s idea of a music producer is...however it’s about 6 years out of date.

BELINDA
Says the man who broke the
computer.

- Good comeback.

LENNY
Don’t we have to pay the bill?

- I was just wondering that actually. Did they just walk straight out?

BELINDA
Come on. If we don’t go with them
we’ll live to regret it.

- This reads too pointed, too hint hint, nudge nudge, you know. Like when a character, who has been continually afflicted, will say something to the effect of “At least things can’t get any worse…” before its starts pissing rain or something.

“The taxi pulls up in front of erm, a boat. A big boat. No, a
bigger boat. Well, it’s a quite big yacty... yawt... yacth...
hang on. Yacht. That’s it. I think so. It’s as big as the
budget allows. Yeah, right.”

- This is where the aside laden prose may have gotten carried away, but I still dug it. I think so ;)

LENNY
Not in front of me, you won’t you
filthy little –

- Ok it’s unanimously agreed that Lenny is a fool and misconstruing for real rather than having a sense of humour.

“As soon as the cabin door shuts Lenny and Melissa embrace.”

- Nice, didn’t see that coming.

MELISSA
I’ve had longer sneezes.

- Ha

“She looks like she ran a marathon. Raphael follows her doing
his flies up.”

- I’m surprised they are so nonchalant about it. I guess it fits with the tone of the piece though.

LENNY
Bloody hell. That’s a bit strong
isn’t it?

- Since when can someone with Lenny apparent intellect understand Italian!?

MELISSA

Wouldn’t worry about it. We’re
running out of pages anyway. It’s
hardly the time to pick on
character flaws.

- The fourth wall was broken a few pages back with Lenny rolling his eyes at the camera, the other three are wobbling now…

LENNY
Woah, Balboa. We’ll have to get
subtitles if you keep doing that.

- Ah, artifice exploding overload here!

Mmm, not sure about the ending, I don’t think you were either, and that the point. You literally run out of story, if there ever was one to begin with. Its hard, or more to the point, pointless to access this on a serious level as clearly you were doing it for a joke while trying to stay wedded to the criteria.

For what it’s worth, I did like the banter between the characters and the attempts at humour as you can see from the notes above. Does it pass the 6 laugh test? Mmm...

Sorry I can’t be more helpful but there is not much to analyse here in terms of story, two couples go out for dinner, one is Italian for a bit, they get on a boat, swap partners and then the two women get eaten by a shark. Is this a comment on female promiscuity and the price they pay for their transgressions by the cruel, unknowable fate of nature in order to restore the balan…ok, I’ll shut up now.

Regards

Col.

Col,

A man not seen round these parts for some time. Pleasure to have you back.

As you can understand, I didn't take this OWC too seriously. I could see a barrage, neigh, a shipful of lines referencing 'a bigger boat' and other great lines.

Believe or not this script did start out seriously, But like many of my posts, and often scripts, humour crept in and took over somewhat.

I'm glad you quite liked so much. I was rather worried when I saw you reviewed it. I did somewhat of a kicking from many. Don't worry, I did note their names. And then realised I was taking it all a bit too seriously. Which the writer of Jowls probably shouldn't do.

I was rather proud of the waiters penguin suit line. I see we've had the misfortune to visit one of those places. Why the fuck would I want my overpriced meal on what appears to be a bathroom / roof tile. Call me old fashioned, but could you put it on a fucking plate, Garçon? Seeing as I'm paying top dollar through the nose for this, and this isn't a building site? And, oh, please stop looking down your nose as if I'm merd on your shoes, sweetie. If you don't feckin' mind.

Bloody hell. Did I reference Home Alone? I should take the credit, but I think I must have my subconscious to thank for that.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Did they just walk straight out?

Oh yes, the production paid. This was getting to the point where the actors were almost dropping all pretence of being in a film. I could say I was being existential and referencing Camus, Fellini, Satre and Godard. Or I could be more realistic and say I was having a laugh.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 however it's about 6 years out of date.

These characters live and move in a very different circles than your good self.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Since when can someone with Lenny apparent intellect understand Italian!?

I was gonna have him read the subtitles by pointing at each word, or some other such lunacy. Just made me laugh.

Thank you for the read. It was probably funnier at the time. I do still laugh when I read it myself. And yes, I do realise how sad this is.

R

Quoted from rendevous Oh yes, the production paid. This was getting to the point where the actors were almost dropping all pretence of being in a film.R

- Never copped that since it was really from the boat onwards that the "film" world started to disintegrate. Nice.

Quoted from rendevous I was gonna have him read the subtitles by pointing at each word, or some other such lunacy. Just made me laugh.R

- Ha, yeah that would've been funny.