Alaskan Sound by Daggoo - Short, Shark - Weekend warriors on vacation in Prince William Sound are seduced by the power of the Alaskan Wilderness, as they seek a rare trophy: the head of a vicious Salmon Shark. - pdf, format 8)

Quoted Text BOGUES (smirks) So are we.

Noticed this quiye a bit where wrylies are beside a character's slug and not under it. Not sure why NOUK has a ' before his name. NOUK alone is fine.

Quoted Text INT. FREEZING WATERS

I probably would have called it FROZEN WATER or ICE PATCH or something. The slug reads awkward, as if the location itself is in the "act" of freezing.


All that aside, let's get to some pluses.
Setting. Ice and/or Alaska. This alone makes the sp stand out well - and more memorable- than some of the other entries. It's also fair game because I did state "any kind of Shark" in the announcement thread. Salmon Shark, thus is fair game. Before reading, it made me look it up. And I went "Ah-hah!" Job well done. Nice!

I liked this piece a lot. Different and engaging. Nice, nice work.

-DjS

Not a good start, my friend – you labeled Page 1, as Page 2 and then your opening Slug is very poorly worded.

The writing is not good, sorry to say.  Very awkward, repetitive, poor flow.  I do like the visuals and setting you chose, though.

No reason for all the CAPPING going on. It’s annoying.

I’m wanting to like this…I really am, but the writing just isn’t good and neither is the dialogue.

I’m having a rough time tying to visualize the action going on.  I can tell you’re trying, but it’s just not working, sorry to say.

Oh man, this constant CAPPING and he does this, he does that writing style is tough to slog through, but I’m still in.

Page 10 (actually Page 9) – “He SKIDS towards ‘Nouk, as he FIRES another shot.” – Check this out.  You use “he” twice in this sentence, but it appears “he” refers to 2 different characters, right?

Page 11 – “The men are filled with FRIGHT as they watch the great beast.” – This line reads like it came from a pisser.  Understand what I’m saying and why?  It’s hard to take the script seriously when I see lines like this.

Your writing needs a lot of attention, sorry to say.  Slugs are an absolute mess throughout, which makes it impossible to picture what’s supposedly happening.  I see the intent and effort is there and you did come up with a unique take on this challenge, so kudos.

Congrats on entering.

Pg. 3 Do they literally cheer on a bear?

Shark vs. Bear  ;D That alone is almost worth the price of admission.

The stupidity of these characters has to be intentional. A shark just jumped out of the water and took a bear’s arm off, and these two guys decide to hunt the shark by standing in the exact same place as the bear.

Pg. 8 “The SHARK LEAPS and CATCHES Reeves in its JAWS.” No shit, really?

Alright, at the last spoken line, I feel confident that all the humor was intended. And I can freely say: I enjoyed watching your stupid characters get eaten.   ;D

But the Bear deserves a rematch. Fight! Fight! Fight!

Congrats on completing the OWC

Your margins are off and you have too many words on one line. Probably to make the page length lower, don't do this.

Having a lot of trouble with the writing. You kind of jump between description and action so I can't really visualize or see anything. The slug is technically incorrect since you tell us we're seeing icebergs, which instantly makes me visualize we're at the water but then you mention a frozen ice sheet? How can you have FLOATING ice bergs then? Are they in the distance? Say so... And later, you go on to mention rapids and tall forests? I have no clue what I'm meant to see, which is amplified when you intersect lines of them walking/their descriptions which lends to a confusing scene.

Your format actually seems to get worse, what with the parenthesis after the character's name. Just use a writing program that does all that hassle for you.

Are they actually trying to kill a shark? What's wrong with them? I suppose I'll go along with this for now...

Nouk sounds a little too western.

Find it funny that the twice annoyed Hunter doesn't speak in his native tongue, probably because he was written by a white person.

Not a fan here sorry to say. My biggest problem is how fucking stupid the characters have to be to confront the shark. Yeah, okay, there are probably some psychopaths out there who'd do that but in a script, it just feels so orchestrated. "I need a way for them to go after the shark", and it seems like you took the easiest way out which really doesn't sit right with me. There should be a way better reason. And really, because I couldn't connect to that initial encounter, none of that repetitive 8 page sequence of the shark had any effect on me.

I presume 'Nouk is a reference to Nanook of the North. I may be wrong. It's been known to happen.

I liked 'VANDALIZING the PURE WHITE of the ice sheet', but you could go a little easier on the capitals.

I think there's a lot to like here. It needed a proofread and some polishing but it felt original in setting and plotting. A bit far fetched, but it's not a documentary.

One of the better ones, in my humble.

R

Yeah this would be not too bad with the unnecessary caps removed.  Had a good action vibe to it.

Only other gripe I have is that 3 metres in length is hardly a HUGE shark lol.

Give it a 6

Just lost all my notes so this will be a little brief.

Nice to have a different location and different shark.

The characters were a little one dimensional and the 'locals' know best is a little cliched, even if true. Indeed, the local got eaten as well.

Not bad but probably needs a little more.

I like the different setting here. Good idea.

The shark vs. bear thing was odd. Seemed like it happened really fast and the guy's reactions were strange.

Loved the visual with the fin cutting through the ice.

You need to work on your action. You got the one lines down, but there are too many and sometimes hard to follow. I don't think you did too bad in only a week though. I was distracted by too many capped words too. I don't know why some writers do this. Personally, I can't stand it. It ruins the flow.

Not a bad effort for this OWC. Congrats.

I didn't like this. Sorry. Everything seems too cartoony. The bear gets an entire arm ripped off early, the shark constantly rockets towards victims so much it's like a guided missile, the swearing is a bit too much, the characters are one dimensional and unlikable. The dialogue is spot on at times or filler at others. And as mentioned the action is confusing. I was feeling this might be like "The Grey" at first but it is in location only.

Also at the end when bouges is ripped apart you get all Nat geo for no reason The air is filled with the sound of screams. The sound of nature. The Alaskan sound. This isn't a novel. Make statements through your story and dialogue if you want to make them, not in action lines.

So some of the writing and dialogue fared a tad off the mark, but you've managed to tell an exciting story with symmetrical presentation. I just wished that the symmetry would have jumped out at me rather than imply it.

As far as the caps go, I'm wondering if you used them almost as a way of CLOSE ON w/o actually saying it. They're distracting nonetheless, and I recommend going forward without them. The first draft of my entry was littered with capped words, but I think that's a result of reading way too many pro scripts as of late.  :-/

I thought this was a solid story and, even in its current state, I wouldn't mind breaking out the popcorn for it. Good effort.

Johnny

Hello.

All good up to this point:

Reeves SLAMS his boots into the ice, out of frustration.

REEVES
It’s MINE!

That doesn't work. The development is too obvious. I guess if exact this dialogue-line would be great, maybe the audience would forgive you that the ice breaks that way.

Okay after those next action blocks I have to say that I don't know if these rapids and drifting ice sheets etc. scenario isn't too far away from laws of physics, nevertheless --I enjoy it.—

The whole big action sequence is too repetitive. It's like the sharks attacking too often and the ice breaks while they jumping like frogger. You could bring that to a point where the action is in perfect shape.

The salmon shark isn't that big in reality. I also think they wouldn't speak as much in scatology by facing all the danger. It's like they would stylize the whole fear situation. So, there are a lot of exaggerations everywhere.

It still entertained me a lot.

OMG poor bear! At least this one has something happening out of the gate, even though a bear and shark?? Original :)

Laughed out loud at the weekend warriors and this:
‘NOUK (annoyed)
White people.

When Reeves slams his foot down in frustration and the ice caves in...too easy...you could’ve handled it some other way maybe.

The story picks up though and is full of action after that. Kudos on that! Some good action writing on display.

Then the hunter’s reaction…...great! Good job for one week’s work!

Hey Dagoo,

I quite like the environment you chose for this script, not only the Pacific Northwest, but a frozen landscape as well. It's different, and that's what counts in these OWC's.

A quick word about the feedback you're getting with respect to the CAPS. I myself still do this and, unfortunately it's a hard habit to break once you start doing it, and I'm always left wondering, after I've submitted my script of course, why I kept them in there. However, as Johnny has pointed out (above post) they can get distracting to many readers, but not all is lost if you use them sparingly.

The (modern) concept is 'Analog Marking'. Basically, a writer who is forced to provide a large chunk of exposition, or back story, knows firsthand that he/she may lose the reader, therefore, especially if it's important information for later on in the story, will imbed subtle commands (CAPS) to ensure the reader consciously, or even unconsciously collects certain bits of info.  However, it's seriously frowned upon because, well... it is.

That being said, part of this script painted a very lucid picture for me when you wrote;
"Blood SPRAYS, VANDALIZING the PURE WHITE of the ice sheet"

I was thinking "Holy sh*t, that's a macabre visual!". Did CAPS make that seem more lucid? Maybe...

CAPS --> Use sparingly? What do I know, my scripts are laden with CAPS.

Anyways, you have two 'City Slickers' here that are just begging to be shark fodder, even flying in the face of adversity when 'Nouk tries to quell their out of control ignorance. The ice is breaking apart, the shark is coming, 'Nouk is pi*sed off and getting trigger happy, then in the end...

"The hunter shakes his head. Listening to the SOUND of SCREAMS. The sounds of THRASHING. The sounds of NATURE."

'The Alaskan SOUND.'

OK then, I didn't see (hear) that coming. So, definitely different because of the ice field and using a rogue Salmon Shark, and definitely kudos for getting a script in for the OWC!

Don't bears fish in shallow water? How big is a salmon shark? googles: OK, up to around 10ft for males with a weight of 450kg.

I suppose I'm just going to have to imagine a bear standing at the edge of a deep river, fishing.

That's one tough bear... leg ripped straight off and it's able to limp away without falling over. Could a salmon shark actually do that? OK, let's say it's a huge salmon shark, and it is capable of biting through the leg bone of a bear in one savage bite, ripping it off completely. The bear could have felt it a bit more though, just seemed to have its leg ripped off then limp away like it had just trod on something sharp.

Code REEVES Come on, ‘Nouk. It can’t fly over the ice now can it.

I actually wouldn't be surprised if it could. It can fly through the air and bite a bear's leg off... and rip up through an ice sheet. Why not make it fly too.

Code Reeves SLAMS his boots into the ice, out of frustration. REEVES It’s MINE!

The above is really bad. Petulance from a grown man hunting a shark?

Code SEPERATING.

Separating.

Code The ice BREAKS APART below them. ‘NOUK Careful. If you fall in. You’re dead. The water. It’s freezing.

It's pretty obvious the water is freezing.


Well, at least a bunch of people got ripped apart by a shark. And there's something of a moral in there about stupid white people too, which is nice. Well done on hitting all criteria. This was a tough contest.

As cheesy as this was in parts and filled with stereotypical annoying behaviour from the shark fodder, I liked it and it matched the Jaws theme perfectly.

I’d never heard of Salmon Sharks and thought you’d made it up so I researched it. Did you know there’s and an as-yet unexplained variability in the sex ratio between the eastern north Pacific and western north Pacific Salmon Shark? That must be true coz Wikipedia tells me so. I’m surprised you didn’t include this angle in your script!

Seriously though, a bit too many caps as has been stated by most here – less is more as they say. The action scenes I skimmed as I did find them confusing but according to one book I read recently (Save the Cat I think it was in) it says when people read scripts they tend to skip action as they want to get to the conclusion.  So try to get the action across as simply as possible.

I liked the little artistic flair at the end with the “The sounds of NATURE. The Alaskan SOUND”. Sure it’s unfilmable but I think a bit of stuff like that makes a script stand out, helps you imagine the scene; as long as it’s not used too much.

Overall another good OWC entry. Well done.

Mark

Nice touch having the story set in Alaska. It's the little things that seperate scripts in the OWC. A shark swimming in the frozen water helps that cause. I take it the hunter has seen the shark kill humans before? The bear getting mamed by the shark was the men's Alaska's nature sound so the humans getting their flesh ripped apart by the shark is the Alaska nature sound for the hunter. Funny stuff. A little hit and miss with the dialogue but all in all a solid effort. One I will remember.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

I'd never heard of salmon sharks either. A bit lite over all, but a decent entry. All the guys died. Oh well.

2. Alaskan Sound - Weekend warriors on vacation in Prince William Sound are seduced by the power of the Alaskan Wilderness, as they seek a rare trophy: the head of a vicious Salmon Shark.
Brief - Two tourist hunters and a native guide kinda hunt a bear biting salmon shark.

Characters to Animate/Voice - 5
Reeves, Bogues, ‘Nouk, Bear, Shark
Scenes to Build  - 5
Frozen ice sheet, rapids w/ salmon, forest run to rapids, ice shelf collapse, ice along the river sequence
Accessory Visual - 13
Salmon 2x, binoculars, shark, blood spray, boots, spear, fishnet, fish, gutting of fish, ‘Nouk rifle, Bogues undress, Bogues ripped apart
Accessory Audio - 18
Rapids, fish slap, fish slide, shark splash, bear howl, snow crunches, unsheathing, water splashing, fish entrail splats, ice breaking, bot-ice stomp, ice crack, ice break, shark tail whipping, shark stab, rifle shot, ice burst from bullet

Genre & Marketability - Action, Thriller
Script format - Good
Comments  -  The described complexity of the bear and shark sequences kicks them up to character status. You did a very nice job of crafting a drawn-out conflict, albeit with a pretty preposterous premise. Good use of mostly three scenes.
Final word - If the math comes out good I’d consider it (but it’s pretty ridiculous. Bear biting salmon sharks. Pfft.)

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 12.5          Screenplay Pages
= 125/188     Total Build Hours Time Cost

What's build hours??

Quoted from Forgive What's build hours??

Read "Dear Screenwriters":
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ScayL8RMF9O8TEPRaEoA_ytRGjG_KrLQSoLtwnv2Rls/edit

Things take time to make, including animations.
For every screen minute I'll probably spend ten to fifteen hours collecting, processing and animating both images and audio.

"Build hours" is my rough estimate of how many hours it would take me to turn words on a page into something to watch - if I can even do it in some cases. :)

There is a time cost to filmmaking.

Thanks Ray - I'll check that document out.

*Spoilers*

Okay, both good and bad here.

In general, the writing itself was solid. Well constructed. This isn't a newbie.  I think.

In fact, the banter - especially at the beginning - is very well done.  There are lines that I absolutely smiled at.  For instance "the only sharks we have are in a suit and tie" "sharks are dangerous. So are we." "White people." "The lone wolf is the strong wolf." All really good.

The negatives: BOY the caps were unnecessary and distracting!  On another of the scripts, Finning, people were dinging the writer for the caps.  I had no problem with those.  These?  Just... ruined the reading experience and misapplied.  Also, the action sequence, which was the bullk of the story, dragged on too long.  Granted, you're dealing with a page minimum, here - and that's probably why.  But it lagged.

As for the ending?  I liked it.  Nice twist and recall of the earlier line.  That did work for me.  :)

Thank for all the feedback, guys and gals.

This concept was based on delivering action. Simple. And underneath commenting on stupidity of hunting for pleasurel no other animal does this. Except for maybe a rogue shark in a movie right. The setting was a big selling point here too. The first image that came to me when I read the parameters was the bear on ice. And the blood vandalizing the pure white.

The stock characters are stupid. Maybe too stupid here. I wanted to comment on how native cultures seem to not over hunt or deplete their resources.  Hence the white people joke.  Nature has it that animals attack and defend. Simple.

Thanks for commenting on some of the dumb action elements.  It's a fine line on what the reader or viewer will forgive.

Thanks for pointing out the confusing action descriptions. This is something I'm working on. I think I reduced the amount of overwriting I was guilt of with earlier entries. I tried to keep it crisp and impactful. But yeah, I definitely overdid the caps and sound effects. Good to know.

Really with both shorts I wrote this time, I just wanted to deliver 10 minutes of excitement. Just enjoy a shark attack. Simple.

I'm glad some of you liked it. I'm always trying to take a familiar story or genre and twist it just enough. Like alaskan salmon shark and the found footage of my other entry.

It was worth the rushed job. I'm pleased with the reception. Thanks folks.

If anyone would like to swap reviews, I'm down. I have a few features I'm rewriting and could use feedback on. And I'll try and analyze your stuff as best I can.

This was quite enthralling, very good stuff from the start.  I liked the characters, two weekend hunters on a trip to snatch themselves a salmon shark in the Alaskan Sound.

The visuals were good and the scenes amplified as the journey went along.  Dialogue was great in some parts, though it did at times, fall below its peek.  Not much, but I did notice it at certain times.

You pretty much nailed the rogue shark, the kills were excellent, lots of blood, tons of gore and this bad-boy even went as far to attack a damn bear!  Gees, remind me never to piss off a salmon shark, lol.

Good stuff here, LF, shame I never read this when the challenge was open though, guess I missed a couple a good ones.

Short: 8/10 (nice story about friends on a weekend hunting trip)
Shark: 9.5/10 (unrelenting, unstoppable and terrifying)