Through Glass Darkly by Anthony Cawood - Short, Drama - Gary loves his new Google Glass but his wife would rather have a sofa, and then there's the weird shadow spoiling things too. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This is written very well. You build a lot on Kizzy and Gary's relationship with some really good subtle imagery and actions.

*Spoilers"
The gauze thing at the end puzzled me a bit. Was it simply that she has somehow been getting this gauze onto the glasses? I assumed there was more of a 'magic' element implied, hence the 'curse' reference. But then why show the physical gauze?

Hi Andy and thanks for the kind comments.

*Spoilers"
Re the Gauze was meant to imply that the shadow was something she created, rather than she'd physically managed to mess about with the Glass - I will amend to make this clearer - great shout.

Thanks

Anthony

Hi Ant,

I thoroughly enjoyed this, very English. This reminds me of someone I know, Self absorbed in technology that nothing else matters and the enthusiasm he has towards gadgets is beyond funny.

Besides a few typos I thought this was well written and clear, the ending with Kizzy I thought was self explanatory, personally I wouldn't change it.

I can see this piece being very visual with shots of the new gadget being shown.  

It kept me reading from start to finish. Nice one.

Lee  

Hi Lee,

Many thanks for the read, realy appreciated and really glad you enjoyed the script.

And, yeah I see it as very visual, hopefully with sort of heads up display type shots for the scenes when he's using the Glass itself.

Let me know when/if I can return the read.

Anthony

P1: "GARY (30s), thin and geeky looking - is doing the dishes,
it�s clear from his awkwardness that he�s not used to doing
it."

I'm not sold by the starting paragraph. "It's clear from his awkwardness that he's not used to doing it" "awkwardness" doesn't really say much more than "he's not used to doing it" to me, if anything it makes the sentence sound awkward itself. I think it would work much better with just "GARY (30s), thin and geeky - is doing the dishes, he's clearly not used to doing it".

GARY
Look - who�s bonus is it exactly? whose*

P4: "The package is open in seconds, familiar Apple logo visible
on the otherwise plain design." I thought he ordered Google Glass?

P11: GARY
(smiling)
Course, though not sure sofa and
domestic bliss fit your travelling
roots.

traveler's?*

The premise immediately grabbed me. Not a fan of the title though, it sounds weird. I see you wrote this around April or earlier.. when the Google Glass craze was going on. Haven't heard a lot about them recently, maybe it died down or I'm not just up to date.

Enjoyable quick read, however I wanted to see more of Gary's geeky enthusiasm annoying Kizzy. Howcome all he did was take pictures? He doesn't seem like the type who could resist calling Kizzy with the glasses for example.

Kizzy's smiles killed the twist. I became a little too suspicious because of them, cut the smiles and it can look like just stress and the twist won't be as obvious.  

Oh! I also think you have too many exclamation marks in your dialogue! There is a lot of them, quite a few unnecessary.

I googled "Google glass" to catch up. As I stated above hadn't heard about it in ages and this was posted 9 hours ago: http://www.androidheadlines.com/2014/08/google-glass-commercial-release-nearing-as-tos-changes-with-removal-of-beta-section.html

When Google Glass gets released bump this up and submit to STS if it is still alive and kicking by then. A really good chance you'd make the sale. Good luck.

- DS

Thanks DS

Appreciate the read and the comments... about to fix a few things, epecially that logo issue, doh ;-)

The title is a riff on an old Bergman film, always liked the slightly crooked feel of that title...

Exclamation marks in my dialogue!!!! Me!!!!

One of the many things that feedback on here has helped me with is those dreaded !s - more recent scripts have far fewer (if any in them). Going to go and strip them out of Darkly right now.

And thanks for the link, I think Glass an other wearables are about to get a lot more mainstream, hopefully someone will see the script and hit the window of opportunity.

Once again, thanks for the read, always apprecuated.

Anthony

Ant,

Cute little innocent story. Refreshing.  Can't help but chuckle at the end. Kinda dialog heavy throughout. At 13 pages kinda long too.

Tony

P. S.  Why are we collectively killing exclamation marks?!?!?

Hi Tony

Thanks for the read, appreciated and glad you liked. Dialogue and length... perhaps, certainly my more recent draft is a little lighter on dialogue, though not much shorter.

Exclamation marks... my earlier scripts are riddled with them, and I was sort of mis-using them to show a slightly increased emphasis and/or sarcasm rather than a true exclamation.

I haven't entirely erdicated them though ;-)

Anthony

Anthony

First off, you’re entering hallowed territory recalling the name of a Bergman film in your own work. Lofty comparison indeed ;)

KIZZY
(continuing conversation)
... but you don’t NEED it, do you?

- No need for the (continuing conversation) wryly, in my opinion. We’ll work it out that we’re dropping in on the middle of a conversation. Plus, you’ll be saving a line!

GARY
No, course not, but WANT is a much
better reason to buy it!

- I don’t even know what he’s talking about yet but I love this line anyway for its sentiments.

GARY
There’ll be money left for
something boring like that.
Promise.

- Another good line, liking this guy already.

GARY
Sold to the lady with my conjugal
rights! We

- Should “we” be here at the end?

“The package is open in seconds, familiar Apple logo visible”

- Why Apple packaging? Isn’t it a Google product?

GARY
Sorry, just testing it all out...
you can take photo’s by winking!

- Ha, I’m pretty clueless on the product but that’s just creepy!

GARY
No, well a little, sorry - my
bad... Sunday?

KIZZY
Yes, if we can tear you away from
your new toy.

- I wonder could you make it clearer that Gary has reneged on his promise about looking for the sofa? Because, as it’s written, it feels like he has made the promise but not necessarily broken it yet. In that I thought the weekend was still to come. If you are to take his line above it would suggest that it’s Saturday which is why he’s suggesting “Sunday” so in that case shouldn’t he say “tomorrow”? It’s a little confusing, you know. As a result, it feels like Kizzy is being a bit of a bit?h by getting on his case like this. Maybe it would help clarify her attitude if you included a short scene where Kizzy looks at a calendar on the wall or one on a computer screen so we realise its Saturday…before she looks up to see Gary messing round with his new toy having obviously forgotten about the looking for the sofa. Then in a following scene they could have this conversation as written.

That uneasiness and shadow in the photo is a little weird, in a good way. Also, the often over friendly interactions between Gary and Kizzy before one gets distracted with his gadget and the other changes expression and repeatedly strokes that pendant gives me the sense there is more going on beneath the surface here.

It also seems that human v technology plays a part in your writing, I’m reminded of “A Face in the Crowd” which also dealt, in a sinister way, our relationship to machines.

“ Gary yanks the Glass off his head and throw=spins them onto”

- Typo here.

“The shadow slowly moved towards the foreground, appearing to
grow.”

- Nice visual, effectively unsettling too.

GARY
No, I’ve decided to get money back.

- Missing “my” between “get” and “money”

GARY
So, drop this at post office and
then go find you a sofa?

- Ok you either missed another “the” between “at” and “post” or you’re from the North of England ;)

Wow, major twist at the end with the reveal of Kizzy’s gypsy origins and her hand in the faulty device. To be honest I’m not entirely satisfied with it, it comes too much out of the blue, placing the script into a fantastical realm, literally in the last few lines, it’s quite a turnaround. I was thinking it was going to be another cautionary tale about our over dependence/reliance/fascination with modern technology but obviously it was more traditional then that, harking back to ancient mythological tales of gypsy hexes.
and that dichotomy of old age curses and cutting edge technology is a nice touch by the way.

I guess it comes down to taste, for me the explanation of Kizzy “influence” made apparent at the end felt like a bit of an afterthought just to surprise the reader. I know you set it up somewhat with her rubbing her pendant (I thought it was a gift from a dead relative or something in which she sought comfort) and maybe it’s because I was expecting one thing and didn’t see the twist coming  thus it jarred with me. Which may be a problem on my end as opposed to the script, I dunno. Depends on how you respond to the insertion of last minute otherworldly elements in an otherwise worldly script I suppose.

Having read it, I do like the title though, it fits nicely.

Col.

Hi Howard and once again thank you for such extensive notes - really appreciated.

Glad you like some of the dialogue, they say write about what you know, so some of that dialogue is directly lifted from the conversations I have with my wife as I try and position the latest gadget that I want ;-)

Typo's and additional words, thanks, I've got a newer draft that I have gone over, but I normally get a bit snow blind, so will treble check these.

Breaking his promise and setting it up better/more clearly - will have a look at this again and try and make the timing more linear and obvious.

Technology in my work, yep, I'm very like Gary in terms of a love of gadgets, but I also recognise that their pervasive influence in society can come at a cost and sometimes with a darker side - check out the film I made that is all technology, http://vimeo.com/92185383

And yes Google Glass can take photo's if you wink, and the Apple logo was my brand loyalty coming through but fixed now ;-)

Regarding the twist... so I thought I'd done enough to set this up... was trying throughout to allude to the fact that she's a Romany gypsy, and hence her ability to curse him. But using a gypsy name, which Kizzy is, only works if the audience know this. So on reflection I think it seems better set up in my head than the reality of it on paper... so will look at this again and see if I can drop some more subtle hints.

Oh and didn't mean to make any comparison to a Bergman film, just always loved the title ;-)

Once again, really appreciate the feedback.

Anthony

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Technology in my work, yep, I'm very like Gary in terms of a love of gadgets, but I also recognise that their pervasive influence in society can come at a cost and sometimes with a darker side - check out the film I made that is all technology, http://vimeo.com/92185383

- I watched your short film, interesting approach, simple but effective. I liked the repeated typos, gave it a more realistic feel. I did wonder what happened at the end though, are we to believe that someone posing as "Granny" in someone's contacts wanted Graham dead and this is somehow linked to the kidnapping?

I don't know how though, it lost me a bit in the final moments, what was the connection?

I got a little confused at the end too. Good film though, something a little different.

Howard, Dustin - thanks for taking a look, glad you both liked the approach... yes the end is over complex and handled a little too quickly... am considering re editing/making it to make it clearer.

What the end is meant to be is that she contacts Granny2... who is in reality the guy she's having and affair with, hence Granny2 in case her hubby looks at her contact list... the conversation between her and her lover reveals that the kidnapped man was her husband all along, but he's no longer an obstacle for their relationship as she's just persuaded the kidnapper to kill him...

I'd envisaged a series of these TXT A, TXT B etc... each with a different story/theme but using a similar tech device.

Again thanks for taking a look.

Anthony

Yeah I thought it was that but thought better of it because it didn't make any sense that a kidnapper would go through the rigmarole of the text message stuff. I get though that you put her being turned on by it as the reason. Not sure it's enough. I like the idea, think the end needs some work.

Agreed - got caught up a little in being able to 'film' my own script without a camera etc ;-)

Anthony

Top marks for that mate. With a little work I think you should be cheeky and enter it into a couple festivals. Maybe cut it to 5 minutes or so.

Great idea, will look into that, thanks mate.

Anthony

Saw this knocking around here for a while and to be honest didn't read it because I thought it wouldn't be my cup of tea.

Read it today though, and must say I enjoyed it. Something a little different but at the same time familiar.

The ending did confuse me a bit but I think, from reading the comments, I get it now.

The way the dialogue flows between the two and the way you use your action lines is very impressive.

Nice tale. I'll have to check out more of your stuff.

Hi Glenn

Thanks for the read, appreciated and really glad you liked it.

Hope you feel similar about any others you read ;-)

And if I can return the favour with any of yours, just let me know.

Anthony

Just noticed you wrote "Father, Come Quick" as well.
Really enjoyed that one too.
I lurk around reading quite a bit so have probably read more.
From these two though, I can say, I do like your style.

I'm only starting out myself so reading good stuff like this will hopefully have a positive effect on my writing.

Hi Glenn

Glad you liked 'Father...' too, slightly unusual for me as I wrote it for a Director from their idea, rather than one of my own. Still seemed to come out ok though, another draft or two and I thin it'll be there.

I'm pretty new too, discovered SS a few months ago and have found it extremely helpful with my education as a screenwriter.

I'd also point you at the first of (hopefully) a series of articles I've started on here that will hopefully help new writers get their scripts made. It's on the homepage - http://www.simplyscripts.com/

Thanks again.

Anthony

Thanks a million mate. I'll have a look.

Good luck with that. And I'll make sure to read your stuff as I see it.

By the way, could you take a look at this..

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1409276473/

Its my first short.
Any thoughts are welcome!!