Paradise by Adam Goodman - Sci Fi - The year is 2658 and the earth has become an overpopulated filthy mess. Is mankind looking for a new home or just exploiting the resources they find along he way? The crew of one scout ship actually finds something special but must contend with the Mutra.   143 pages - pdf, format 8)

I had a quick look at this. If the author's about let us know and I'll post a few comments, should he so desire.

R

Just had a quick look and the first thing I have to say is that images are a big no-no in scripts.

I don't know. I liked the images.  and besides, they were created as a part of the creative process of writing this thing. and I also would like to add that it seems that a lot of films these days use graffic novels as their source material and this would indicate that the movie industry accepts something visually pre-conceptualized or pre-storyboarded, if that is a verb. I don't think it hurts. but yea, I am open to comments.

Life tax? 60 billion population... seems very childishly contrived to me.

V.O. for seven pages. I started skipping around page 3.

The characters speak like they are young and from today's era. Saying, 'Man' and things like that.

Your action blocks are running on for too long. Try to keep them 4 lines or less. You are overwriting, which means using more words than is needed to say something.

143 pages is also a little daunting, especially when your opening ten do not pack anything like what could be termed a punch.

Yea thanks. there is actually a spot a bit later on that throws everybody off. I understand we are talking money, and that everything should be ADD approved, but the texture of the dialogue is what it is. and I mean, what was that film? Cloud atlas, right? where they showed a potential evolution of the language. Hey, who is to say that people don't speak like this in a Russified calamity of a future world where nobody ever figured anything out?

Quoted from AdamGoodman Hey, who is to say that people don't speak like this in a Russified calamity of a future world where nobody ever figured anything out?

Because they'd speak Russian.

Well yeah.  Or not.  Didn't  Putin start speaking English to get the Sochi  Olympics?  And  I'm saying, it is an English language script.  But there is definitely a lot of Russian elements involved in this script, PLATON probably being the most Slavic character.  But if he asked me, I think the language might relate little bit more to the film Idiocracy.  And really, how many soldiers do you know that in their downtime take pride in the elocution?

The dialogue in this put me in mind of a teen show. Specially scripted for teenagers. I think that my be down to English being a second language. You must be very intelligent to write this well in English, but you've still got a way to go yet.

I'm not saying that you should give up. You have the inclination and desire to write, that is very clear. However, to write well in English is going to take you some time.

Read lots and keep practising.

Man,  I have to hand it to you.  You have raised smarmy into new territories.  I mean, is the job of being a critic to observe the first three pages and say how something either grooved or didn't groove with  their ADD? Or is the job of critic to criticize the entire work?  I like the dialogue that you were pissing on.  I understand that the dialogue sounds like what it sounds like and indicates the texture of the characters.  But to me, the the choice to leave that as it was was part of the show.

But as fire as commenting on my English abilities goes,  wouldn't it seem rather ironic to you that the same writer who wrote the dialogue wrote the stage directions as well.  Are you saying that all the writing in this text is ESL, or are you saying that the one scene where the group talks to each other when they have nothing to do seems a little high schoolish?  Because I think this is a fair question.  

But I appreciate the compliment.  Frankly, I would be a shocked to run into a Russian who can speak anything like me.  This is not to say that there are not intelligent people in Belarus. there are. but my point is whether or not you are being smarmy for the sake of being smarmy, or do you just get off on being antagonistic.  

It is not star wars.  I never said in star wars.  But I do think it's pretty good science fiction and a pretty good script.  I like the story.

OK. Well so long as you think it's good, I suppose that is all that counts. Send it out to producers and wait for them to offer you millions for the script. Well done.

Look, I don't need to get into my entire history with this website, but I have been reading scripts and using them in my work for years now.  I'm not 20 years old and I'm not looking for a job.  I just wrote some scripts and some plays for theater and when people read them they laugh and cry and yell.  And we get a lot of really good arguments about two characters and their motivations and it always leads to very good conversations.  I think when I sent these in, I thought it would be interesting to hear what people thought of the story.  But I haven't had anybody read the story yet.  You want to comment on if I have my technique down but I am asking, how was the story?

And really, I'm trying to critique other writers who have their postings on the same page as mine and I don't stop to write to anybody until after I've read at least the first 50 pages.  My thinking is, if it's written in a language I understand, if I can see  who is talking and I can see the actions the author is trying to show me, I should probably go ahead and listen to this story.  Am I completely crazy?  Because of the end of  the day,  aren't we storytellers?  Isn't that any writer's job?

If you proofread your script and put it a presentable format they (and I include myself) may pick on the odd thing regarding format or wording.

But the vast majority of readers will comment on your story. They're not on here to pick on things. Well, most of them aren't. Most are trying to help. They won't gush with glowing praise. That's for your friends and family.

Most will try to give constructive criticisms. Which is what they've done.

R

It depends on many things how many pages I read. If you had a flow I could get into then even a boring story I would last quite a while before I dropped out.

It's like novels...plenty of novelists out there I feel are just plain shit... yet they sell books. They have their fans. I'm not one of yours for the reasons I stated. I'm not suggesting that you should change your writing to appease me... I'm just saying why I don't like what you've written.

I'm just one person. As you say, everyone loves your work, so why are you so concerned that I do not? What do I know?

OK, so now I see we're talking about two specific ideas.  The first is the ambiguous nature of popular acceptance and the second is an author's expectations of unconditional love.  I am only making one point here.  I wrote a story in the format of the film that talks about six young postgraduate Belorusian people and what  their lives were like in Belarus during a particular two year period.  The story is kind of complex, I agree.  Some of the descriptions are a little over-literaried, again, if that is a verb, but there is a story in there and without trying to seem too self-satisfied, I think it is a pretty interesting story.  

Is it a pretty interesting story for a guy living in L.A.?  Great question.  This is a question I would love to have answered.  Would I like someone to give me money for this script?  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  Of course!  But I'm Holding my stance.  This is about the story and whether it is a good story or a bad story and about whether  there are emotions for the reader or there aren't.  Because really, and somebody has already pointed it out, the "pros" get to play with things that "amateurs" can't, right?  So, let's not worry about that.

  Would you like to tell me my story sucks?  I will listen to your rationale all day and all night.  Do you want to tell me that the period at the end of the first sentence was not dark enough?  Forgive me if I do not genuflect with the enthusiasm you might expect of me.

Hi Adam.  Can I just say that I think you may be acting a little too defensively here? Sure Dustin could have put things a bit nicer, but he is helping you. His suggestions are constructive. I don't think it was his goal to upset you (at least not the first post!). If Dustin started skipping at page 3, imagine what a producer who has to read scripts ALL DAY LONG would do!

The problem here is right off the bat you've come back to every bit of feedback with a "yeah, but...". What's the point in this? If the script didn't work for someone for some reason you have to accept it. Then decide if it's something you're willing to work on. You can't argue with them into thinking the script is good. You'll never get that chance with a producer.

I think a lot of people could benefit from listening to feedback and suppressing the urge to defend their work.

Re the images: don't send a script to producers like that. Chances are they'll bin it without reading it because they'll think you won't know what you're doing.

Aaaanyway... I actually kind of like the script so far. The concept at least. It is over-written and other issues that have already been mentioned. Work on trimming this down and re-upload it with shorter, snappier actions and you'll get more reads.