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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Comedy Scripts  /  Happiness
Posted by: Don, April 18th, 2014, 8:56am
Happiness by Adam Goodman - Comedy, Drama - 6 Belarusian students find themselves 'distributed' to Pinsk for their obligatory two year work stint. what does life have to offer? welcome to Belarus!! 172 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Toby_E, April 18th, 2014, 9:08am; Reply: 1
Oh, dear Lord.

Sorry to be harsh, but that is the only response I can muster right now.

If the writer turns up, I will elaborate on the particularities which have caused this reaction...
Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 21st, 2014, 8:51pm; Reply: 2
Oh. Dear Loerd sounds ominous. so, what does this mean and why is it harsh?
Posted by: LC, April 21st, 2014, 11:39pm; Reply: 3

Quoted from AdamGoodman
Oh. Dear Loerd sounds ominous. so, what does this mean and why is it harsh?


Hi Adam, I had a quick look, and what your fellow scribes are reacting to mostly is the somewhat unconventional formatting of your script.

Until you're a PRO this is the way to do it.

Spec scripts need to be formatted according to industry standard, in Courier 12 pt. - nothing else. For example don't mix fonts (your character headers appear to be in a different font) don't add pictures/colours/photographs etc., and :

Your slugs need to be correctly spaced for example:

INT. UNIVERSITY - COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Note the period, not colon.

Slugs such as this:

EXT: MINSK. A BUSY BRIGHT MORNING. are not correct unfortunately. If you are showing 'busy' in any description line (which is where it might belong it would be by describing a lot of people at work, or during peak hour for example and def. not in a scene header.

Your scenes do not need to be numbered, (numbering usually only occurs on shooting scripts) and correctly formatted line breaks need to be inserted underneath them - also note the TIME OF DAY needs to be inserted.

There is no need for all of the CUT TO's. The beginning of a scene header/slug delineates this automatically and all these CUT TO's are just adding bulk to an already overly bulky screenplay.

Spec screenplays are usually around the 90 - 120 minute page count and at 172 pages... well need I say more?

Your wrylies are also not correctly formatted.There also appears to be some odd touches like full stops after some character names and the use of [   ] instead of normal parentheticals in some instances.

Unless you are a producer/director and making this yourself I would advise you read up on correct formatting of screenplays and/or look at how regulars on this board format their scripts. Even if you are filming this yourself it would benefit you greatly to streamline this screenplay for ease of shooting and to hone up on how it's done.

A few other things I noticed with a quick scan:

Descriptors such as:

-IN THE FOREGROUND is not correct screenplay formatting.

At the top of your script you have a really long title card followed by the insertion of a photograph, and then more photographs follow throughout - just not the way it's done unfortunately. And, later another title card. I would suggest without looking closer at the finer details that perhaps SUPERS or SUPERIMPOSE would be more fitting for that second one.

NINA (CONTINUES IN VO)

should just be:

NINA (V.O.)

I've not touched on dialogue or your description /action lines yet as I'm a bit pressed for time but I did notice with scanning that you don't use an 'active voice' a lot of the time i.e.,

We see ALEX coming down the street and turning into a coffee
shop.


Avoid using 'we see' - and then be simple and present tense with your descriptions. Simply put:

'Alex walks down the street. He turns into a coffee shop' OR: 'Alex enters a coffee shop'.

Notice I use the word 'conventional'. If you're appealing to the spec market with your screenplay you will need to learn about formatting. As your screenplay stands at the moment it would have a greater chance of getting picked up if its written according to the generally acceptable industry standards as I stated above.

Others may chime in with their observations. This is just a start from me to get you headed in the right direction.

For a myriad of screenwriting tips look here:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/
http://www.simplyscripts.com/WR_format.html

and a quick internet search on 'how to' format screenplays will also help you, for example another good site and one of the prestigious comp. sites:

http://www.oscars.org/awards/nicholl/resources.html

Also read and comment on screenplays here on SS and you will get feedback on yours in return, plus a whole lot of valuable help and info.

This is meant to be helpful, not harsh. Good luck going forward. :)






Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 22nd, 2014, 1:53am; Reply: 4
wow, I appreciate the formatting comments.  I have read a lot of screenplays and in my onion,  there is no such thing as an absolute format. I mean, there  is a  generally basic accepted form in how you present the speaker, dialogue and stage directions and titles. But I have seen texts with numbers and without. It was a pain in the ass to put the numbers in but it was a part of how I did this one. I don't think it detracts from the ability to understand the text o the content. and really, I simply liked adding the photos. some of them were bullshit, but some of them really added to the effect, especially the opening one. and in talking with another commentator, I pointed out that a lot of modern texts have been taken from graffic novels so the idea of working with a preproduction storyboard is non unrealistic. And besides man, we are not on paper any more!! there are no more pink and blue copies! so my question is: does it hurt the content or readability of the text? I say no.  do any of the formatting 'abnormalities' deter the reader from understand the author's intent?  I say no. and as for length, well, let's just say that the thing has a lot of cuts and many of the scenes the take a lot of pages to explain, like the opening sequence or the first paycheck party would take 40 minutes to see, probably more like 12-15. so this is my opinion.
Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 22nd, 2014, 1:55am; Reply: 5
would not take 40 minutes to see
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), April 22nd, 2014, 3:01am; Reply: 6
The opening image tells of a black man and a white woman in bed together, yet the image you chose is of two white people.

Code

The music startles both of them awake and their eyes open and
they see each other. The man’s face smiles peacefully and
happily at the girl. She looks at him with an unreadable poker
face. He sees this and, after a thought, his expression changes
to an expectant, hoping, questioning look. She continues to
simply look at him, receiving his information, understanding
his desires, but not reacting in any way. After a second, he
realizes he is beat, and with a sigh of resignation, the face
falls into despair. When she sees this, she quickly turns and
gets out of bed; his eyes watching her body walk away.



OK. Let's break down the above.

Code

The music startles both of them awake and their eyes open and
they see each other.



Too many 'ands' in this sentence. You mention they are awake which already suggests they open their eyes, but you then feel the need to mention it again in the very same sentence... and, they see each other? Is that the best you can come up with there?

Code

The man’s face smiles peacefully and
happily at the girl.



Here is where I'm starting to think that English may be a second language. The Man's face smiles... the Man's face? Smiles happily? How does one smile miserably? How does one smile peacefully? Let alone peacefully and happily all at once. All in one smile. that would take some seriously good facial acting to correctly convey that message to the viewer.

Code

She looks at him with an unreadable poker
face.



An unreadable poker face? As opposed to a readable poker face? You need to understand that the term 'poker face' is already defined as unreadable.

Code

He sees this and, after a thought, his expression changes
to an expectant, hoping, questioning look.



So he sees her unreadable poker face, has a little think about it, then his expression changes from thinking to an expectant, hopeful and questioning look. How is it possible to be expectant, hopeful and questioning all at the same time? Why would he be expectant in reaction to her unreadable poker face? Why would he be hopeful? Questioning, I understand. But all three at once? Impossible for anyone to pull off. Maybe Nicholas Cage could do it...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8GVWhviw8s

Code

She continues to
simply look at him, receiving his information, understanding
his desires, but not reacting in any way.



If she isn't reacting in any way then how are we supposed to know she is understanding his desires? Well, I suppose it would be pretty obvious from the morning wood, given they've just woken up. What's he just lying there for? Maybe he should throw one off and spray the results in her face... that'd get her attention. I wonder if she'd still have an unreadable poker face then?

Code

After a second, he
realizes he is beat, and with a sigh of resignation, the face
falls into despair.



Has all this been like a euphemism for the morning blow job? So, they've been at it all night, collapsed in a heap, asleep... woke up in the morning, he's got wood and he's hinting for her to get down on it... but she won't, because she knows he hasn't showered from the previous night's rumping. He knows that once he showers though it just won't be the same, because of the time frame thing... after a shower a blow job on its own won't be enough, it'll have to be full blown sex and maybe he just doesn't have time for that this morning, work commitments, perhaps. Whereas if she just does it there and then, a couple of minutes and it's over.

Code

When she sees this, she quickly turns and
gets out of bed; his eyes watching her body walk away.



Bitch!


Your writing needs to evolve. Write punchier action lines. Do a lot of reading.
Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 22nd, 2014, 3:15am; Reply: 7
Oh no!  I love that paragraph.  Everybody loves that paragraph.  You just have to have been that the understand what it's like.  The heart of a Russian woman is  a difficult field to play on.  The guy knows he is beat.  No matter how much gentleman-ness he might put into it, he is not going to pass go and he is not going to collect $200.
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), April 22nd, 2014, 3:29am; Reply: 8
Start trying to understand the paragraphs in a screenplay as action blocks. Action blocks should be approximately 4 lines or less.

Convey what you are trying to say in a punchier way.

Don't play around too much with looks and smiles... use sparingly. Read lots of screenplays to understand how they are written.
Posted by: LC, April 22nd, 2014, 3:32am; Reply: 9

Quoted from AdamGoodman
wow, I appreciate the formatting comments.  I have read a lot of screenplays and in my onion,  there is no such thing as an absolute format. I mean, there  is a  generally basic accepted form in how you present the speaker, dialogue and stage directions and titles. But I have seen texts with numbers and without. It was a pain in the ass to put the numbers in but it was a part of how I did this one. I don't think it detracts from the ability to understand the text o the content. and really, I simply liked adding the photos. some of them were bullshit, but some of them really added to the effect, especially the opening one. and in talking with another commentator, I pointed out that a lot of modern texts have been taken from graffic novels so the idea of working with a preproduction storyboard is non unrealistic. And besides man, we are not on paper any more!! there are no more pink and blue copies! so my question is: does it hurt the content or readability of the text? I say no.  do any of the formatting 'abnormalities' deter the reader from understand the author's intent? I say no. and as for length, well, let's just say that the thing has a lot of cuts and many of the scenes the take a lot of pages to explain, like the opening sequence or the first paycheck party would take 40 minutes to see, probably more like 12-15. so this is my opinion.


You're absolutely entitled to your opinion.

The crux of my point was and still is:

If you're appealing to the spec market with your screenplay you will need (or rather should), learn about basic formatting.

See, you ain't a pro yet.

I too, have read lots of pro scripts with doodles and drawings and coloured fonts etc. but the writers of them are professionals so they can do what they like. Why? Cause the product they're generating reads pro and they've worked in the industry and have been and continue to be, paid (mostly).

Imh, yours does not... yet. And does it detract from the read? Imo, yes it does.

So, I go by my original advice that for now you should have an uncluttered easy to read conventionally formatted script.

You asked why people initially balked at your script. I was just honest and trying to help you along. No offence taken btw, you can write your script however you choose.

I wish you the best with it.  

Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 22nd, 2014, 4:40am; Reply: 10
Ah, now I understand.  If you publish your scripts in this place, you should know that it is for people to criticize your ability to be a professional screenwriter and not the quality of the screenplay.  OK, cool.  And I appreciate your comments about the work being written for a marketplace.  

But I also think that there is a place where the writer should be able to have a choice in how they express themselves.  We do in fact write for a reader and not for ourselves, this is understood.  But a storyteller should have the right to tell the story that they want to tell.  And my point is, though the text might be a little long  by current standards, I think my script has the same number of pages as Thomas Agee's the African Queen.  And I know it's 50 years later and I know that the "film business" has changed as have people's abilities to read patiently.  But let's just say  that I wanted more nuance in the writing.  Let's just say that I wanted to be a little bit more detailed than the briefest possible visual outline.  Have you seen blade runner?  Why don't we all just write like that and only use a series of single word sentences to show the things we see?  I say that allowing  for a little literature in our literature is not a bad thing.  And I also say that I do not believe that there is a strict division between pros literature and screenwriting and I don't see why the film script can't be a little more descriptive.  I don't think it is such a bad thing and I don't think it destroys the idea of what a film script is.
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), April 22nd, 2014, 4:47am; Reply: 11
Quality of the screenplay and professionalism are one and the same thing... but you already have it down. Your messed up sentences are deliberate... with lines like this:

Code

The music startles both of them awake and their eyes open and
they see each other.



I'm sure Producers are going to bite your hands off for the scripts. Writing screenplays is about getting them made into film... not simply literature. If you want to write literature then write novels, even then, I would avoid lines like the above or the only person reading your books will be you.
Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 22nd, 2014, 5:45am; Reply: 12
Boy, you guys just don't sleep over there.  What I am saying is that I am not absolutely sure that your comments on  whatever quality my formatting may or may not  have is not really as important to me as what your criticisms might be about story I have to tell.  And my point is that I don't really understand how you can tell me who I am or remark on the quality of my English because of 1 page of dialogue when nobody seems to have gotten past the first 10 pages.  And I don't understand this.

They advised me that I should read other people's unproduced scripts and give commentary as that would help me get attention to mine.  OK.  So I dove into it and I read 50 pages of 'Compassion'.  I don't know your reading speeds but it didn't take me all day to do this and I was listening to a baseball game at the same time.  My reading covered 50% of the presented material and I wrote a comment on the first half of the text.  And, I will tell you that there were a lot of remarks in this text which were a little strange to me and some descriptions that the guy used that were not exactly the way I would have described something, but I read the story and commented on the story.  I hope this is understandable because all I was interested in is whether or not you liked my stories.  And it is not like I'm such a self satisfied guy but one, I am not looking for a job as a screenwriter and two, I think I wrote some pretty interesting stories.  Stories!  Can you understand me?  I'm saying that it is and should be about the stories.  Do you guys really want to tell me I'm wrong?

But please, please do chime in.
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), April 22nd, 2014, 6:41am; Reply: 13
You don't need my opinion on your story... as you've already said it is just fine and everybody loves it. All that's left now is to send it out to producers and wait for the cash to roll in. Well done you.
Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 22nd, 2014, 12:05pm; Reply: 14
I am just saying- I thought the purpose of this exercise was to showcase your work for free. Usually, there are a lot of things to talk about when reading a film script. things like character motivation or development. Moral issues regarding their actions and desires. emotions, situation studies. even strategy regarding what  the characters' moves might be. But here, everyone wants to start talking the moment they open the package. Nobody is reading stories, they are just sitting around calling people losers over minute.  and I even saw this in a text I read here (yea, I actually read the script). The Author interpreted how a person drove a car. Not whether they were dangerous or erratic or something, just their 'attitude' towards their self image while driving. I guess I am just not from LA. I definitely have been away for a long time.
Posted by: bert, April 22nd, 2014, 12:50pm; Reply: 15
You know, I hate to see new members driven crazy by the relentless sarcasm that can permeate these boards.

I hope that does not happen here.

Yes, Adam, about 80% of the members here are too clever by half, but that does not negate their message.


Quoted from AdamGoodman
...does it hurt the content or readability of the text? I say no.  do any of the formatting 'abnormalities' deter the reader from understand the author's intent?  I say no.


Nearly everyone who reads scripts will answer these questions with a resounding "yes".

Many debate the existence of iron-clad "rules", to be sure, but there are "standards", and you are going too far afield.  Unless you are just writing for the sheer joy of writing for yourself.  Which is cool.  Many do.
  
But there are certain expectations that a seasoned reader will bring with them when opening a script -- particularly one that clocks in at 172 pages -- which is a big red flag in and of itself.

And every author beats their head on the desk when a reader checks out at page 2 or whatever.

It is utterly maddening!

But blaming the reader for that is the lazy way out, and you know it.  You had a reader on the hook and you lost them.

You got some fixing to do with this.  Several readers have already given you some sound advice.  For free.  Fix this right, and you might even get the length closer to industry standards.  Myself, I would start by losing every "cut to".
Posted by: CameronD, April 22nd, 2014, 1:07pm; Reply: 16
Just be aware, the first 10 pages is about all you can expect a new reader to look at. They owe you nothing and are giving you their valuable time to read your work. If you can't grab their attention within 10 pages then how can you expect them to read the rest of your work? Your first 10 pages need to be stellar if you want to get them to stay for the other 100. This is pretty much what the industry standard is as well if you ever send this out. Some people may only read the first page. Harsh? You bet. But now you know, so make the first 10 pages your best. Until your next 10.

Also be aware, nobody here can read your story because of your formatting issues. There may be an amazing story underneath it all but nobody can see it behind the mistakes. You like baseball it seems. Somebody may be a great baseball player if they can throw hard and hit well, but if they don't know the rules, can't play the game, who will know just how great they are?

Hearing people say negative things about your work can be hard, but did you not post your work for feedback? If you wanted nothing but glowing praise save this for your friends and family who have no idea what a screenplay even is. But if you want to get better you need to work on your weaknesses. Everyone here tries to help. Don't get defensive; they are doing you a favor. After all, they are taking time to at least read some of, and comment on, your work. What have you done concerning theirs?
Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 22nd, 2014, 2:02pm; Reply: 17
You know, these are very good questions.  Am I going to "shop" this?  And do I understand that readers have a ADD?  If probably my answer to the first question is that I am shopping it right now.  In its way, this is shopping it.  So, that answers that question.  Am I aware that readers have a hard time getting past the first few pages of any new material?  I think I understand that.  But there is an argument as to whether not the first sentence or the first 10 sentences or the first 100 sentences need to be so exciting or not.  I remember trying to interest a student in reading.  He wasn't doing any homework and thought reading "horse whisperer" was a waste of his valuable time.  So I open the file for the film "kids" and of course the opening sentence is showed us two adolescents having sex.  Boy, he really liked the second one. Until he read it to the end and found out everybody got aids. boy was he pissed!

But tell me, which was the better screen play though? A dream of a Horse running in the snow and Grace and Judie singing a Liz Fair song was not nearly as interesting as

"The very loud sound of people having sex. The sounds of deep moaning and sexual huffs and puffs. After a few seconds the sound grows even louder. It should sound as if the two people are fucking into a microphone. The sounds should be painful
and raw."

and which one was the better film?
really, Which one was the better film?

I think any reader has trouble getting into a new piece of material.  You don't know the story, you don't know the characters, and you're unaccustomed to the author's pace and style.  People put down books after 5 minutes all the time.  And really,  when  Hemingway opened "fiesta" by talking about whether or not he believed Robert Kohn was a boxing champion for several pages, you really think anybody knew what the hell he was talking about?

I'm sorry for nothing.  These are a couple of screenplays that I've written.  I like them.  Truthfully, I like "happiness" more this year than I did last year, but that has more to do was what has been happening to people during the process of reading it this year and their reactions to it.  And I'm not talking about family and friends.

So I'm just saying, please, give it a read and tell me if you like the story or not.  I would talk about character development or  how I portrayed  events all day long.  I just disagree that you're looking at some hillbilly, slapped together, duct tape and wire story.  The formatting is reasonably close.  I definitely think it's as close as anything and there is no absolute set form.  It looks like a screenplay, it reads like a screenplay.  All I'm asking is, if you guys would be so kind, just read it and then tell me how badly it sucked  and how I ruined your life  and how your girlfriend left you  and that you were thrown out of your apartment and your hair started falling out  and you lost all interest in sex and couldn't eat red meat anymore because of my terrible writing.  That I could work with.  That would be valuable time criticism thank you very much for your presence in my life, your interest,  your eyes and your ears, tears, fears, laughs and thoughts.  That would be A salam alechem brat, muchos gracias.
Posted by: Heretic, April 22nd, 2014, 2:15pm; Reply: 18
Kids was the better film :) Though Horse Whisperer was great.

You know, I'm mostly in agreement with you, Adam, on the larger points, but I think you also need to consider the context here. You want people to take their time to read your script, and offer criticism, for free. So far, you're discounting criticism that you're getting -- that the formatting and writing style are making it difficult for people to get into the script. That's on you, not on them. You believe that this stuff adds to the script -- others are saying that it detracts. That's direct criticism of your writing. It's not superficial. They're explaining their experience (and mine) of reading the opening pages of the script.

You can write in any style you like and you certainly don't need to be sorry for anything...unless you tell people that they should read your screenplay, for free, when they don't want to, when they've told you why they don't want to.
Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 22nd, 2014, 2:37pm; Reply: 19
OK, that is fair enough.  But why are we so happy to consider this website a free screenplay criticism service?  Maybe I am completely crazy, but it seems to me this is a web site dedicated to collecting screenplays.  And, they have this possibility of putting your own screenplay  here so that it has a place to be shown.  

But I didn't see anywhere that I should be ready for a series of cheap shots by a bunch of wannabe film critics.  Are any of these guys ever paid for their time and criticism?  Have I been talking to anybody who works for some production company?  Are you saying that some of these " I read 16 words of your screenplay and I know everything about you and your history and  your writing style" sitting around with potential management contracts at the ready?  Because I sincerely doubt that this website has the clout or money backing to support anybody who would be worthy of the normal salary as a film critic.  And hey, I don't mean to be rude, but  do you really think that is such a bad assumption?

So really, I am not so thin skinned and I do appreciate constructive criticism.  I just think it's pretty emptily bureaucratic to be completely unable to think beyond microscopic formatting ideas and whether or not a work as a whole has literary merit.  Or in declaring that your attention deficit disorder is part of your personal style.

Trust me, this shit is intriguing.  Check it out  L.A.
Posted by: bert, April 22nd, 2014, 2:51pm; Reply: 20

Quoted from AdamGoodman
But I didn't see anywhere that I should be ready for a series of cheap shots by a bunch of wannabe film critics.


Actually, we have had conversations in the past about people who post their script for public consumption but desire no feedback.

If you would like, I can lock this thread so no further posts can be made.  I can also go back and delete all prior posts, then lock it up.

Let me know.
Posted by: Grandma Bear, April 22nd, 2014, 2:53pm; Reply: 21
A free screenplay criticism service? I suppose in a way it is since the forum here have members who love to write and read screenplays and anything related and will, if they feel like it, read scripts posted here and offer input. We all read out of goodwill. Often we swap reads. I read yours if you read mine, kind of thing. We are not a bunch of official critics that just sit around and wait for someone to post a script so we can tear it apart.

If you really want someone to read your whole script, maybe ask around and see if anyone wants to do a swap. Otherwise, it might be tough. Especially after the back and forth in this thread.
Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 22nd, 2014, 3:13pm; Reply: 22
You know, you might be right.  Seems like a lot of back scratching going on and I'm not really sure I was doing anything but posting a script to see what would happen.  I guess I'm just very disappointed that the kind of criticism I got never had anything to do was what I was writing about.   And now you guys are crying that you don't like me.  I don't know.

I've been using some scripts as teaching aids for years and it has really helped me.  Sam Scripps is a really good bridge between simplified, single page writings and short novels and novellas.

My problem was not that the criticism was negative, my criticism is that nobody read  more than a page  but yet but yet immediately started talking.  And now, amazingly enough, you guys are getting all emotional and I'm criticizing your criticism and not respecting you.  Isn't that a little like the pot calling the kettle black?

On my side, I started reading the scripts that were along with me on this page thinking I would go from beginning to end and thinking I would contact the writer and tell them what I thought of  their script.  I mean, film scripts are not giant pieces of literature and they usually it only equal about 30 pages of prose reading which, if you read  at a normal pace, you can usually knock off one of these in 1/2 hour to an hour of reading.  I have never thought that this was such a dramatic work of physical effort to require of anybody.

I don't think you have to close this third and I don't think I need any special attention.  But I thought this site was for people  who read scripts.  I understand now that there are a lot of  hungry wannabes out there.  Good for you.  And I don't even understand why there needs to be anything special to do here at all.  Here, here is a film script.  It is an entire film script.  The film has been completed.  I'm not  charging you any money to read it and I sincerely hope, with all of my heart, that she like it or that it brings up some emotions and you are titillates your imagination in some way.

And so I will repeat myself for possibly the 40th time.  I am waiting only for criticism of the work as a whole.  I appreciate all the comments that came to everybody's mind so quickly in the first page, and you are entitled to close it up after pager to know and say you don't want to read it.  I only put it up here so that people could have a look at it and to see what would happen.  And, I still have not gotten a single comment from anyone who has gotten two "the end".

But boy, you  LA guys are sensitive.
Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 22nd, 2014, 3:16pm; Reply: 23
and sorry for all of the typos in my comments, I am getting a little tired and using voice program right now. this has been a really long day with you guys...
Posted by: RayW, April 22nd, 2014, 3:53pm; Reply: 24
Yeah, we've all had this exact same conversation with others about a few hundred times.
Don't get your thick skin hurt by being told you're not the least bit unique.
Every two weeks someone wants to be special.
Every two weeks.
It seems like everyone wants to be special and fight "the man."

Honestly, I'm more impressed with you sticking around for a fight and not just running away crying.

Whatever.
Back on task...

I asked you a direct yes or no question and you replied with some round about coy answer.

Quoted Text
You know, these are very good questions.  Am I going to "shop" this?  And do I understand that readers have a ADD?  If probably my answer to the first question is that I am shopping it right now.  In its way, this is shopping it.  So, that answers that question.

In ten words or less: Yes. You're shopping this.

Sigh...

That makes what you're shopping a spec screenplay.

Surely you know what a spec screenplay is.

Then you need to present a spec screenplay here in spec screenplay format, otherwise we're all just wasting time.
If you don't care then neither will we.

Whatever your fabulous story is, I'd be shocked and amazed if anyone wasted their time and effort digging through what's been presented here so far for a product (the screenplay) that has no hope of ever getting anywhere or doing anything "as is."

Don't expect everyone else to change.
You change.

Industry readers for spec screenplays gotta read a dozen of these a day, day in and day out, for weeks, months, years on end.
They don't have time to create a whole new format interpretation rule book for each and every funky format screenplay.

Your, my, everyone's spec screenplay submission to agents and prodco readers compete with one another.

Your, my, everyone's spec screenplay submission is a piece of gravel in a gigantic pile to be processed, screened, and graded.

"Look! There's your screenplay right on top!
Yeah.
For about 0.5 seconds."



Funky rocks get tossed out immediately, not marveled over.
Standard rocks move on to the next level.

We will show you how to put your spec screenplay in spec screenplay format so that we can even read the [expletive] story if you'll please quit fighting us.

Your spec screenplay is NOT one-and-done.
Expect to make some changes.
Now expect to make some significant changes.



Today is a fine day.

So far you've learned:
A) You have a spec screenplay.
B) It must be in spec screenplay format if it's ever to get read by anyone who can produce it.
C) You're not the first h3ll raiser to ever drop an ill formatted spec screenplay here.
D) We're quite comfortable with h3ll raisers, they're better than sissies.
E) We will help you get ahead if you'll quit fighting us.
Posted by: Scoob, April 22nd, 2014, 8:03pm; Reply: 25
Hey Adam,
I think you might be better off sending off your material to other websites that offer free feedback.

Oh...what's that?... There ain't none?... They cost $60?...atleast?...

Maybe send to SimplyStories.com. They might even pay you to read your script.

Heh, asshole behavior aside, I hope you realize by now this is not a place to just dump your stuff and expect glowing reviews. I hate to keep repeating this damn mantra but you get back what you put in - read reviews and you will get read. That does not mean - unless you have a swap deal - anyone is obliged to read the entire script. Nor do they have to write something positive. Honesty is the best policy.

I think you need to respect the site you have sent your material to a little more before you pass judgement on its members. This is a FREE site, only because Don, the Don ( the webmaster)chooses it to be. Not only does he allow us to post our scripts for free, he puts in great effort to maintain this one of the greatest screenwriting sites there is. It's a privilege to even be able to post scripts for free with such a wide range of scouts and producers hovering the place; perhaps you should be a little more graceful with your words.

You might have the greatest story in the world but it is up to you to present that in a reasonable format. You can't expect anyone to  read your entire script when presented with such a carefree, I-don't-give-a-shit-what-you-think attitude.
Here's a thought: Perhaps YOU have done something incorrectly instead of everyone else? Maybe let the comments sink in before replying. Think before you ink.
Posted by: TimWestland, April 22nd, 2014, 9:55pm; Reply: 26
Moral of the story:

Adam will ignore all of us inexperienced hacks, put his script "out there" and wonder forever why nobody is interested (except for his mom and close relatives/friends). He'll also continue to insult the intelligence of people who attempt to guide him politely (see earlier posts) on his journey.

He'll ultimately blame the lack of interest in his "piece" on "the world not being as smart/creative/inventive/literate/whatever as he is" and will believe that every reader is simply ill-prepared to deal with his level of creative genius.

Hey, at least that's one less person in the race.

Parting note to Adam: If you can't handle critique with grace, then you're going to really, really, really hate this business.
Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 23rd, 2014, 12:25am; Reply: 27
ok, it is now 7:00am and you all have had a lot of fun spitting on me. Meanwhile, while writing letters, doing my normal day's tasks and a couple of extra things, I happened to have found time to read two other screenplays. One I thought was a little off, I mean not for formatting problems, I could READ IT you know because it was in English and everything,  and the other I thought had a little too much style and not a think enough texture or substance to be really interesting. It was smooth reading, but there was not really anything to think about.
But I guess in regards to yesterday, what was interesting was that I seem to have found, I don't know what the number is, it seems like 8 or 9 cannibals out there who have nothing better to do than to defend the 'biz' against potential infiltration by... I have no words here... just a minute...stupid, innocent, fairy-tale believing, empty-hearted, style-less hacks, you know, like me and, you know, like themselves.
So, I went to sleep and the word I was thinking of before just I slept soundly and peacefully was jealous.  I am not saying you are jealous of me, I am saying you are blatantly and godlessly (because it is one of the commandments you know) covetous and seem to have no other way of dealing with the world.
What I want to say today is that yesterday, to me, was like a lesson showing my why the world is as bad as it is. I see yesterday as if I started the day going down to the river for a little quiet fishing.
I was thinking ‘ok, here is a place to hang out for a while, drink a beer, listen to some tunes, and hey, if I catch a fish, so much the better’. I am not a professional fisherman. Some people are professional fisherman and I am grateful for their existences because, you know, I like fish. But I like fishing and thought that hanging out at the river would be kind of fun. And let me add that I have caught fish and have had fun fishing for a long time. And that fishing has been part of my life for … uh.. several years and in a way, I teach some aspects of fishing rather successfully to others and this teaching has actually had an enormously beneficial effect on those who I have taught to fish. But I digress…
I get down to the river, this is in LA by the way, and immediately people start yelling at me over the color of my shirt. ‘I like this shirt. It is a very comfortable shirt’ I say, but without pause for breath, they begin to tell me all of their own opinions and thoughts and fears and ‘wisdom’. They yell this to me endlessly.
However,  I refused to agree to change my shirt to suit the needs of people I will 99% surely never have any meaningful relationships with and this made them really mad.
Then they told me that by arguing with them, I had embarrassed myself socially in their teeming, successful, laced with roses and joyous utopian society. But I told them that really, I don’t care for the simple reason that I do not believe they are a part of any teeming, successful, laced with roses and joyous utopian society. And in fact, I see them as a bunch of stupid, innocent, fairy-tale believing, empty-hearted, style-less, LONELY AND COVETOUS  hacks themselves.
And finally, they started to talk about how I am only seeking ego gratification by sitting at the river and fishing and nothing more. So, I tell them that positioning themselves as parental figures, freely and piously offering their ‘tough love’ and begrudgingly free advice is really more of a personal ego stroke for themselves.  They are who they are assaulting. they are not in any way on my side and really, are just a bunch of lonely, lazy losers who have nothing better to do. Just like me? Maybe. Just like everybody? Maybe.
So my thought today is about why they were yelling at me so much. And I came up with the thought that  they were not actually even talking to me, they were talking to hear themselves talk. Why did they do this? For the same reason I do it: because we admire the sound and texture of our own words.  The words they were screaming were making them feel more real and solid and sure of themselves.  They were giving themselves the validation that they needed. It was, rapturously self-gratifying to be able to use their words.
And as they continued telling me how I will never catch a fish,  that only they know so much about the waters and how to catch fish, what they were really saying was that Hemingway’s ‘Old man and the Sea’, in its own metaphoric way, was right.  All of our lives are spent fishing and dreaming of catching the great fish that will change our lives, but in the end, it is indeed hopeless.
So how do I rate yesterday? I don’t know why, but I think I just consider it to have been an interesting day. Some other wanna be writers started yelling at me and I decided to argue with them. Why is that a bad way to spend a day?
So, my plan today is to try and spend some of my free time reading some more of the scripts here on the page along with me and giving my opinion of what I thought about the works that these people have put together.  And, of course, to talk to people who might want to talk to me about Paradise and Happiness, two fine pieces of writing. I think this should make this a pleasant day.
Oh, and just two more things. I have a job that I like very much and which pays the bills surprisingly well while also allowing me enough free time. And finally, I’m originally from San Francisco and I hate LA.
Posted by: Scoob, April 23rd, 2014, 12:51am; Reply: 28
Heartbreaking stuff.

NEXT.
Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 23rd, 2014, 1:11am; Reply: 29
glad you liked it. but don't be going around stealing my style, yo!
Posted by: TimWestland, April 23rd, 2014, 1:12am; Reply: 30
I rest my case, your honor.

Not sure who will lock this thread, but it probably needs locking.

If only to prevent me from commenting further.

Covetously yours,

Lonely Hack #2326997
Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 23rd, 2014, 1:13am; Reply: 31
or, hey, I just wrote and edited 1000 rather elegant and poignant words in about an hour. Can you?
Posted by: TimWestland, April 23rd, 2014, 1:14am; Reply: 32
Yo, I call dibs on Adam's "style".
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), April 23rd, 2014, 1:15am; Reply: 33
Yeah, because we all would love to be able to write like this:

Code

The music startles both of them awake and their eyes open and
they see each other.

Code

The man’s face smiles peacefully and
happily at the girl.

Code

She looks at him with an unreadable poker
face.

Code

He sees this and, after a thought, his expression changes
to an expectant, hoping, questioning look.

Code

She continues to
simply look at him, receiving his information, understanding
his desires, but not reacting in any way.

Code

After a second, he
realizes he is beat, and with a sigh of resignation, the face
falls into despair.

Code

When she sees this, she quickly turns and
gets out of bed; his eyes watching her body walk away.


Posted by: TimWestland, April 23rd, 2014, 1:15am; Reply: 34
And his rambling typing skills... and his ego... and his fishing ability!
Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 23rd, 2014, 1:16am; Reply: 35
don't hold back boy! rock and roll! I can see that the volcano is ready to blow.
Posted by: TimWestland, April 23rd, 2014, 1:16am; Reply: 36
@Dustin - I can't stop laughing.

It's making my face all into the despair.
Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 23rd, 2014, 1:18am; Reply: 37
And Dustin, have you ever been with a Russian woman? Have you ever really, really, really been with a Russian woman? Have you? Have you? 'cause maybe I just took you there for a second so you could feel what it was like...
Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 23rd, 2014, 1:19am; Reply: 38
It is a great paragraph. I loved writing it.
Posted by: TimWestland, April 23rd, 2014, 1:24am; Reply: 39
I'm new to the concept of "a pisser".

Is this a blog entry version of one?

Is someone pulling our collective chain(s)?

Nobody is this narcissistic, are they? If I look in the dictionary, will I find Adam's picture there under the definition of the word?
Posted by: Scoob, April 23rd, 2014, 1:25am; Reply: 40
It's PISSTAKE.
Oh my God...
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), April 23rd, 2014, 1:26am; Reply: 41

Quoted from AdamGoodman
It is a great paragraph. I loved writing it.


It is a terrible paragraph... and you not being able to see that, despite me breaking it down into easier-to-digest chunks, is slightly worrying. I mean, you can write a whole script... that's not easy, you may, for all I know, be able to tell a story once I get past your terrible writing. However, you're never going to get anywhere if you're not willing to learn. Especially if you can't see where you've gone wrong in the first place. It's a little like somebody that is tone deaf believing they can sing. Doesn't matter what anyone else says, they're just jealous.
Posted by: TimWestland, April 23rd, 2014, 1:27am; Reply: 42
Thanks, Scoob.
Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 23rd, 2014, 1:28am; Reply: 43
hey wasteland, do you have a job? what do you do? how do you spend your days? do you have responsibility or are you alone? I mean really, is there any 'you' in there? oh yea, and can you read English? do you 'like' reading? does reading give you pleasure? I am so interested because you really seem like, you know, THAT kind of guy.
Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 23rd, 2014, 1:30am; Reply: 44
and Dustin, how much do you charge for lessons because I have decided that you and only you should be my teacher. I can see that you 'KNOW'. I can learn a lot form yiou and you could probably really help me in my life. How much do you cost?
Posted by: TimWestland, April 23rd, 2014, 1:33am; Reply: 45
This might be the happiest day of my life.

Did you really just call me Wasteland? Are you 9 years old? That's how old I was the last time someone called me that.

I'm not really sure what my day job has to do with your writing skills.

Can you clear that up for me?

(hint: that was a trick question)
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), April 23rd, 2014, 1:55am; Reply: 46
Adam... unfortunately I am not qualified to teach people with special needs. I would consider it if they left you in the straitjacket though.
Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 23rd, 2014, 4:19am; Reply: 47
still haven't read them yet, huh. cool. well, I've read three so far. told the writer what I thought of them and went on to something else. You guys though... really...
Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 23rd, 2014, 4:25am; Reply: 48
but seriously dustbin, have you written anything I might be able to look at. I sure would like to see what you stuff looks like.
Posted by: RayW, April 23rd, 2014, 6:52am; Reply: 49

Quoted from AdamGoodman
ok, it is now 7:00am and you all have had a lot of fun spitting on me. Meanwhile, while writing letters, doing my normal day's tasks and a couple of extra things, I happened to have found time to read two other screenplays. One I thought was a little off, I mean not for formatting problems, I could READ IT you know because it was in English and everything,  and the other I thought had a little too much style and not a think enough texture or substance to be really interesting. It was smooth reading, but there was not really anything to think about.
But I guess in regards to yesterday, what was interesting was that I seem to have found, I don't know what the number is, it seems like 8 or 9 cannibals out there who have nothing better to do than to defend the 'biz' against potential infiltration by... I have no words here... just a minute...stupid, innocent, fairy-tale believing, empty-hearted, style-less hacks, you know, like me and, you know, like themselves.
So, I went to sleep and the word I was thinking of before just I slept soundly and peacefully was jealous.  I am not saying you are jealous of me, I am saying you are blatantly and godlessly (because it is one of the commandments you know) covetous and seem to have no other way of dealing with the world.
What I want to say today is that yesterday, to me, was like a lesson showing my why the world is as bad as it is. I see yesterday as if I started the day going down to the river for a little quiet fishing.
I was thinking �ok, here is a place to hang out for a while, drink a beer, listen to some tunes, and hey, if I catch a fish, so much the better�. I am not a professional fisherman. Some people are professional fisherman and I am grateful for their existences because, you know, I like fish. But I like fishing and thought that hanging out at the river would be kind of fun. And let me add that I have caught fish and have had fun fishing for a long time. And that fishing has been part of my life for � uh.. several years and in a way, I teach some aspects of fishing rather successfully to others and this teaching has actually had an enormously beneficial effect on those who I have taught to fish. But I digress�
I get down to the river, this is in LA by the way, and immediately people start yelling at me over the color of my shirt. �I like this shirt. It is a very comfortable shirt� I say, but without pause for breath, they begin to tell me all of their own opinions and thoughts and fears and �wisdom�. They yell this to me endlessly.
However,  I refused to agree to change my shirt to suit the needs of people I will 99% surely never have any meaningful relationships with and this made them really mad.
Then they told me that by arguing with them, I had embarrassed myself socially in their teeming, successful, laced with roses and joyous utopian society. But I told them that really, I don�t care for the simple reason that I do not believe they are a part of any teeming, successful, laced with roses and joyous utopian society. And in fact, I see them as a bunch of stupid, innocent, fairy-tale believing, empty-hearted, style-less, LONELY AND COVETOUS  hacks themselves.
And finally, they started to talk about how I am only seeking ego gratification by sitting at the river and fishing and nothing more. So, I tell them that positioning themselves as parental figures, freely and piously offering their �tough love� and begrudgingly free advice is really more of a personal ego stroke for themselves.  They are who they are assaulting. they are not in any way on my side and really, are just a bunch of lonely, lazy losers who have nothing better to do. Just like me? Maybe. Just like everybody? Maybe.
So my thought today is about why they were yelling at me so much. And I came up with the thought that  they were not actually even talking to me, they were talking to hear themselves talk. Why did they do this? For the same reason I do it: because we admire the sound and texture of our own words.  The words they were screaming were making them feel more real and solid and sure of themselves.  They were giving themselves the validation that they needed. It was, rapturously self-gratifying to be able to use their words.
And as they continued telling me how I will never catch a fish,  that only they know so much about the waters and how to catch fish, what they were really saying was that Hemingway�s �Old man and the Sea�, in its own metaphoric way, was right.  All of our lives are spent fishing and dreaming of catching the great fish that will change our lives, but in the end, it is indeed hopeless.
So how do I rate yesterday? I don�t know why, but I think I just consider it to have been an interesting day. Some other wanna be writers started yelling at me and I decided to argue with them. Why is that a bad way to spend a day?
So, my plan today is to try and spend some of my free time reading some more of the scripts here on the page along with me and giving my opinion of what I thought about the works that these people have put together.  And, of course, to talk to people who might want to talk to me about Paradise and Happiness, two fine pieces of writing. I think this should make this a pleasant day.
Oh, and just two more things. I have a job that I like very much and which pays the bills surprisingly well while also allowing me enough free time. And finally, I�m originally from San Francisco and I hate LA.

H.  :o
F.  :o
S.  :o

You know... , if you had put this much mental and physical effort into just conforming your first few pages into spec screenplay format you'd have something like:

Code

				  Happiness

				      By

				Adam Goodman
Copyright 2014

INT. BEDROOM - DAWN

Illuminated by TV light a couple, ADAM, 30, black and fit, and MARGARITA, 25, 
white and tattooed, lay tangled in their bed covers.

The comfortable peace between them is broken by the image and blaring national 
anthem of Belarus.

				T.V. ANNOUNCER
			We, Belorussians, are a peaceful 
			people wholeheartedly devoted 
			to our motherland. We are 
			faithful friends growing up and 
			living in a hard working and 
			independent family...

As the proclamations continue ignored the couple awake eye to eye. His expression 
is one of love and promise. Her expression is blank. When his happiness dissipates 
she gets out of bed, he watches her walk away.

SUPER: Spring 2010

INT. UNIVERSITY DANCE THEATER - DAY

EVA, 40, the body of a muscled child, tangos with an attractive young man. He dips 
her and laughs, Eva smiles in delight.

INT. UNIVERSITY LECTURE HALL - DAY

While his classmates slumber, FARES, 20, disheveled student, pens an attentive 
transcript of the political science professor droning on at the classroom's huge 
board.

INT. UNIVERSITY DORM ROOM - DAY

KOLIA, 20, student in label only, tosses playing card after card into an overturned 
hat in a chair at the foot of his bed. Well practiced.

EXT. UNIVERSITY COFFEE SHOP - DAY

ALEX, 20, today's hipster, turns from the street sidewalk into the coffee shop.

INT. UNIVERSITY THEATER - DAY

Dressed as Constatine Treplieff, MAX, 30, tall and muscled, performs the final 
scene of Checkov's The Seagull. He looks with ardor at NINA, 30, bunned and lithe, 
emoting about the theater's stage.

				NINA
			I am a seagull. No, no. 
			That is not what I meant 
			to say. Do you remember 
			how you shot a seagull once? 
			A man chanced to pass that 
			way and destroyed it out of 
			idleness. That is an idea 
			for a short story, but it is 
			not what I meant to say.

She passes her hand across her forehead.

				NINA
			What was I saying? Oh, yes, 
			the stage.

EXT. MINSK CITY STREET - DAY

Margarita exits the apartment building, pack in hand and another slung over her 
shoulder, checks traffic, then walks away down the sidewalk.

				NINA (V.O.)
			I have changed now. Now I 
			am a real actress. I act 
			with joy, with exaltation. 
			I am intoxicated by it and 
			feel that I am superb. I 
			have been walking and walking, 
			and thinking and thinking ever 
			since I have been here, and I 
			feel the strength of my spirit 
			growing in me every day.



Which, now that I've put these first few pages into format - are fair.

Not really a burning page turner.
The self naveling drama of young adults and unremarkable careers holds no appeal to me.

However, if this were formatted properly in its entirety I and, more importantly, others would be able to provide MEANINGFUL review of the entire story and it's construct.

Construct being both story and presentation. Of course.

This could be good. Could be drivel.

You just gotta quit fighting "the man" and just format it for the appropriate audience.

You learned how to drive, following generally accepted driving rules.
Same thing here.
Learn generally accepted spec screenplay format rules.

Hope you get over your panty fit and circle back here when you're done having it.




These feelings you're having are "transition pains."
Your mind is having a tortuous experience as it feverishly sees if it can or can't adopt a new way of looking at something.
It genuinely hurts, like when your girlfriend dumps you or you get fired from your job.
You're having to deal with a new reality. A perception transition.
You might be able to survive it.
Many don't.
You gots what youze gots, man.
GL!
Posted by: bert, April 23rd, 2014, 7:04am; Reply: 50
Stop it, you guys.  Just...stop.

Lo and behold, I see Adam out and about commenting on scipts....what more do you want from the guy?

Sheesh.  Leave him be.  Read his script, if you want.  No need to drop any more comments simply for the sake of busting on the guy, and as he correctly points out, amusing yourselves.

Points have been made (and made again) all around.

Comments that are unrelated to the script will be deleted from this point forward.  Fair warning.
Posted by: AdamGoodman, April 27th, 2014, 3:30pm; Reply: 51
Local student at the university sent me this review of the text. I really don't care what you guys think of my printing this, but it was just some guys review of the Happiness text after reading the whole thing. and, well, this guy is ESL, but as he is my student, he is compltent, which is, you know, my specialty.

The only thing I can say about this story – it’s great, really great.
Honestly, this film script really made me feel like I was one of the heroes.
Maybe, that’s why the story was connected with real life and I understood the situation very clearly.
But I’m saying it not only because the action in this script took place in Pinsk.
It was written very clearly and emotionally and especially in the end, the actions were changing (moving) from one to another very distinctly and logically.
When I was reading the part where Fares was falling off the bridge, the image of the situation really appeared in front of my eyes.
The description was really amazing and I was able to see a lot of details with the help of slow-mo.
I saw Kolya screaming, Fares hopelessly looking at Kolya and the cops starting to run away.
Then, when we moved to the hospital where Vadik was dying, there was also one of the best descriptions I’d ever seen.
It was so emotional and natural that I really commiserated with Eva and Vadik’s parents.
Actually, these actions were very well placed and this method of showing parallel actions one by one worked there really great.
I’m saying it not because this script is yours and I think that this script was one of the best scripts I’ve ever read.
There were a lot of descriptions in this story but these descriptions were very, very clear and lively.
As I said, I liked two of the last actions connected with Vadik and Fares because they really immersed me in the story.
I was reading it and I was watching it at the same time without any effort .
Honestly, such a thing has happened to me only few times but this time, it had the strongest influence on me.
It was one of the best scripts I’ve ever read and Adam, thanks a lot for such a great story.
Posted by: Leegion, April 28th, 2014, 11:45am; Reply: 52
Adam,

Most of the comments people offer you are to help you out a little.  Now I'm not gonna go jump in on some bandwagon, never been one to join in on that, what I am going to do is offer you a read.

Here's the thing though: Before I even start I just want to say at 172 pages this NEEDS to be trimmed down.  I say this with respect.  It's just TOO long.

You are leaving reviews on scripts, which is a good thing, this site doesn't work without people offering support to one another.

I'll read it over the weekend, take what I say how you will.

-Lee
Posted by: Leegion, April 28th, 2014, 2:54pm; Reply: 53
Okay Adam, as I said, I'd give it a read, sorry to say I only got 10 pages in but here's why:

This script could be trimmed down.  For starters, you have Russian text overlapping English sections that is completely unrequired.  Also during these, you write them as if they're meant to appear on-screen:

SUPERS.  Use Supers to define what appears on-screen.  You don't need elongated blocks of unrecognizable text to the uneducated bilingual reader.  Merely add "NOTE - Text appears in Russian with English Subtitles" or something around those lines.

ADAM and MARGARITA, no ages to define them, their introductions lost in blocky text of 16 LINES that can easily be trimmed to 2 lines per 3 paragraphs rather than 16 per 1.

You don't need WE ROLL CREDITS nor WE SEE THIS in spec scripts.  Those are reserved for shooting scripts only.  Not a big thing, but certainly a thorn in your side here, which may turn off readers.

KEEP THE TITLE PAGE SIMPLE and to the point:

HAPPINESS
by
Adam Goodman


No need for symbols/logos/title forms or the such.  Just a nice 12pt font with the title, your name and any copyright information.  In the "based on" section just list the names, which you have in a way, but it takes up a lot of white.

PAGE NUMBERS:

You have "Happiness Page 1 of 172" and at the bottom you have "1".  You only need the one page number, not two.


Quoted Text
The music startles both of them awake and their eyes open and
they see each other. The man�s face smiles peacefully and
happily at the girl. She looks at him with an unreadable poker
face. He sees this and, after a thought, his expression changes
to an expectant, hoping, questioning look. She continues to
simply look at him, receiving his information, understanding
his desires, but not reacting in any way. After a second, he
realizes he is beat, and with a sigh of resignation, the face
falls into despair. When she sees this, she quickly turns and
gets out of bed; his eyes watching her body walk away.


This segment on the second page would lose even the most careful reader.  As I, and others prior to me, have pointed out, your action lines are tremendously long and NEED to be trimmed down A LOT.

Taking in this segment and putting on my writer's cap for a second, I could easily trim this down:


Quoted Text
Music startles Adam and Maragarita who burst awake and gaze upon one another.  After a beat of conscious adoring, Adam's face falls.

Margarita notices this and exits bed.


Not PERFECT, but it's more readable and less-blocky whilst delivering the same punch as your long action blocks.

TITLE CARD, no, it's SUPER: SPRING 2010.  Keep that in mind when you want to have things appear on-screen for the viewer to witness.


Quoted Text
EVA is dancing a tango with A RATHER ATTRACTIVE YOUNG MAN. He
is laughing at something as he turns and dips her, she is
smiling wildly


Try to keep the "ings" to a minimum if at all possible, sometimes it's unavoidable and required, sometimes it's not.  In the above segment, it's NOT.

To deliver the same paragraph without the "ings":


Quoted Text
Eva dances the tango with an ATTRACTIVE YOUNG MAN (20s). He laughs as he dips her while she smiles gleefully.


Again, not perfect, but reads better, smoother and delivers the same reward.

You could also do this for your next scene with FARES (and ADD ages/descriptions to your characters, something simple like "20, handsome" etc).


Quoted Text
The music of the tango restarts and joins in with the dialogue
from the stage play as we..


This is unfilmable but I DO understand what you're going for.  You don't need it here.


Quoted Text
EXT: MINSK. A BUSY BRIGHT MORNING.


Sluglines usually don't boast much description about the scene.  


Quoted Text
EXT. MINSK - DAY
Streets bustle with activity under a bright sun.


The below is also a problem--


Quoted Text
NINA (CONTINUES IN VO)
I have changed now. Now I am a real
actress. I act with joy, with
exaltation, I am intoxicated by it,
and feel that I am superb.


Change this by simple having it read:


Quoted Text
NINA (V.O.)
I have changed now. Now I am a real
actress. I act with joy, with exaltation,
I am intoxicated by it and feel that I
am superb.


Below scene description will also turn off producers and readers alike:


Quoted Text
INT. UNIVERSITY COFFEE SHOP
Here we see ALEX waiting in line for a coffee. She is dressed
in an army coat and a knit hat. Several other scruffy looking
people are arguing about politics over coffee just in the
background. She gets her coffee and goes to join the politicos


You name ALEX, but don't mention the character's sex right away.  Anyone with an unpracticed eye/a skimmer would consider Alex as a DUDE.  Again, ALEX (20s, army coat and knit hat, female).  Always do this when using unisex names to avoid confusion to the reader.

This would read better as:


Quoted Text
INT. UNIVERSITY COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Busy, SEVERAL PEOPLE argue politics over coffee around
the joint.

ALEX (20s, knitted hat and army coat, female) waits in line.


Not telling you how to write, just explaining how it should look.

----------------

I'd go into more detail about the remaining few that I read.  Unfortunately, for a comedy, nothing funny happens in the first ten pages.

For the first ten pages, you could trim so much of this, Alex, that those opening 10 that I read could be cut down to a measly 2 pages at most.

You have too much detail that unfortunately distracts the eye and doesn't allow the reader to focus on the action or dialogue or even scenes.

When writing a scene, write it shot-for-shot of what should appear on camera.  Not every action paragraph is filmable in one shot and needs to be split up.

----------------

I'm only saying this to help you craft a superior script.  I've emailed producers, talked with other screenwriters (Dreamscale was immensely helpful to my ascension here) and I can safely say, that NO ONE could possibly read this without a magnifying glass.

Not being harsh, but you really need to tighten your writing.  Cut out all the "WE SEES, WE HEARS, and WE SEE CHARACTERS DOING THIS.

The idea here is to deliver a visual story.  NEVER read pro scripts for insight into the screenwriting craft, friend.  Most of them are packed with things you just don't use for spec drafts.  Most of them HAVE lengthy blocks of text.  Don't follow that example.

You're a good writer, you are, but you seriously need to work on what you have here.

Sorry I never made it far, but in a comedy, I at least expect to laugh at something within the opening 10.

And what's the PLOT about?  There was no hook in those opening ten pages.  No characters I could relate to or even begin to understand because there were so many that had so little to do that they seemed unimportant to the story.

-------------

Finishing up this comment, I just want to say that writing screenplays is a bitch.  I've been doing this 2-3 years now and I'm still learning.

Take what people here say with a grain of salt, but also think about what they say in relation to your script.

They're just trying to help you hone your skills.  Reality is, Adam, this needs work.

-Lee
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