The Decaying World: Days Gone by Lee Cordner (leegion) - Short, Horror - A father and daughter find themselves trapped in a derelict apartment by zombies. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

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Quoted from LC Getting an Error 404 on this one.

Fixed.

A good zombie short. Very compelling and horrifying in parts. The dialogue was a bit hammy in a couple of places but that can be forgiven, especially if an actor is able to deliver the lines well.

'Hundreds of ZOMBIES line a cluttered alleyway.' Hundreds? This might be overdoing it. People are more likely to pick up scripts that can be produced at minimal cost, effort and time. If this is a concern of yours then keep the number of extras on screen as low as you can.

More zombies pile against the door, at least twenty. Same deal again, really. Plus I don't think there's a need to mention a precise number here. You've already given the impression that there's a lot and seeing big numbers can make this look hard to produce.

Besides, in a confined space is 20 really that much scarier than 5? (4x scarier is the easy answer, but I hope my point comes across!)

"Like a tsunami of hammers" - this simile didn't really work for me.

I have to applaud you for taking this somewhere unexpected. Fearless ending and I admire that.

Nice, short and to the point. I applaud you for not trying to stuff a feature into a short (I hang around college-aged film students who do this all the time). I like how it dives right into the action with no exposition.

About the ending - it really achieves its intended effect, but you also have to think about what the story is trying to say. The way it is now, the twist negates every single thing that happened in the entire script, and that is what's known as a "shaggy dog story".

Shaggy dog stories exist, but I'd feel a little more satisfied if the events had some sort of farther reaching consequences that would continue on past the fade to black.

Thanks Don for posting, much appreciated.

What can be said?  Well, it's a zombie story set in one location with 2 primary characters.  The math kinda does itself in truth.  Kind of a thriller, with some different scenario outcomes.  I'm trying to do things as unconventional as possible these days, so this one is the start of my new "un-cliche" storytelling.

I edited this and still missed a typo, lol.  "Silhouetted", HA!

@Andy JW,

This can be shot low-budget, hundreds/at least 20, just there for the story really, in the hands of a filmmaker or student they could literally bring that down, guess I just put the numbers in to make it more hopeless.  

"Tsunami of hammers", like an uncontrollable tidal wave of banging, essentially.  

@Rolandabc,

There will be consequences, man.  It's not as straightforward as it appears.  More to come in the future.

Thanks to those that have read thus far.  Zombies are not everyone's cup o' tea but whatever, cater to those who enjoy, per se.

-Lee

Loved this. I'm a fan of the zombie genre, and it's not always easy to write something in the genre that's not cliched and tired, but that ending was definitely unexpected, and elevated the whole thing for me. Left me wanting more.

Good stuff.

Hey Lee.  Decided to crack this one open.

I'm not really sure what to think of this one.  I didn't hate it but I didn't really like it either.  I can say that I didn't see that final twist coming but it kind of felt that the twist was there for the sake of having a twist.

Rolandabc mentioned that stories like these are referred to as "shaggy dog stories".  Given the definition, I wouldn't be a fan of them.

The writing however flowed rather well.  The action was short and sweet and carried me through rather effortlessly aside from the awkward word choices in a few areas (Andy JW touched base on that simile that just read strange to me as well).

Overall the writing was solid but the story was a miss for me.  Everything before the twist was pretty typical of a zombie genre and the twist itself just didn't land for me.  Good luck with it.

Johnny

Quoted from coldsnap Loved this. I'm a fan of the zombie genre, and it's not always easy to write something in the genre that's not cliched and tired, but that ending was definitely unexpected, and elevated the whole thing for me. Left me wanting more. Good stuff.

Nowadays every where you turn there's a movie about zombies.  You can find them at the Redbox, you can find them on Netflix, you can even find them at Walmart for $5-10 bucks in one of those "30 Horror movies in one!!" box set deals.  And because there are so many, you start losing count.  And when you go to write your own zombie feature (or short), you now have to make it "different" so it's not like all the other "cliche" and "tired" zombie flicks...which there are tons and tons of.  Anyone who wants to write a feature...featuring zombies...now has their work cut out for them.  Because everybody wants to see something...different.  I want to write something in this genre, but I am very, very reluctant because I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to make it stand a part from the rest.  

As for "Days Gone", there's nothing different about it except maybe that twist.  I don't know about everybody else, but it shocked me.  The only thing is...it feels like it was just thrown in there.  Without it, it's definitely your same old-same old.  My only problems with the short as a whole are small ones, mainly in the writing.  For example stuff like..."Like a tsunami of hammers they bang."  Definitely the first page was also problematic.  It's a slam bang opening with hundreds of zombies chasing our protags and the descriptions of these characters slow it down to a crawl.  Instead of:

Quoted Text JOEL, 34, a disheveled wreck with a beaten face and weather expression, swings a bloodstained fire-axe into a door.

Try:


JOEL, 34, smeared in dirt and grime, swings a fire-axe into the door.

Quoted Text MILLIE, 10, cute and caked in mud with very short tangled hair and torn clothes, enters first.

LOL what do we care if she's cute or not in a situation like this?

Let's just assume because she's a kid, she's cute.

And with a name like Millie, she sounds cute already, so...

Try:

MILLIE, 10, dirty clothes and short hair, enters first.

Maybe it's not the best, but it's short and reads fast.  You get the idea.

You can always reveal more about the character as the story goes on, if need be.

Check out the first few pages of American History X for example in regards to character description.

@Coldsnap - Appreciate that.  It's a hard dough to pummel but the challenge is always something to look forward to overcoming.  Glad this one did.  And there will be more...

@RegularJohn -

Thanks for taking the time, bud.  

Shaggy Dog stories, yeah, everything leads to nothing.  Guess the idea here was to show that it's "hopeless", especially with the twist.  Shame it didn't click for you as it has for others.  Dialogue was a tad hammy in some portions, still figuring out accent barriers, I'll get the hang eventually.

@deadite -

Good stuff on the character descriptions, guess they could be trimmed a little to deliver a more swift read.

Days Gone's difference:  Like you said, there's really no difference between this and a Romero flick other than the twist.  I'd go into more detail surrounding why it happened but the one word I can likely say to summise why is "Hopelessness".  

There is more to the short though.  As it's a prelude to the feature, which will star a character from this script, I feel as if it will work in the long run and help round out a more developed main character.

Thanks for the reads peeps!