Bar Code Scan by Wes - Short, Comedy - Three ultra high tech geeks on their way to a Silicon Valley gadget conference get stuck in line at the grocery store behind a guy writing a paper check. Technology ensues. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Wes,

Let's start at the beginning.  Actually, let's start before the beginning.

• LOGLINE:  Your logline basically tells the whole story.  I don't even need to read the script.  The logline should give just enough information to entice someone to read your script.
  
• FONT:  Use Courier
  
• Lose the header on each page.
  
• Your page numbers need to be at the top right, except for page 1 which isn't shown.
  
• Your sluglines need to be in all caps.
  
• Give a better description for all of your characters.
  
• You waste the first two pages just to tell me that these guys are on their way to a conference and that they're hungry.
  
• You go from, "INT: Grocery Store - Night." to, "INT: Grocery Store - Night."  That's wrong.  If nothing else, change the second "Night" to "LATER".
  
• The tone of your script isn't easily identifiable.  It starts out with mostly pointless dialogue, then it goes to a violent assault on a CUSTOMER #1, then it has a few funny lines, and then it's over.  Establish that this is an outlandish comedy early on.
  
• An RFID implanted into someone's forehead wouldn't need to be swiped over a bar code scanner.  They're two separate technologies.
  

If you would like to get more reads and comments on your script, pop in and say 'Hi'.  Readers like to know their comments aren't falling on deaf ears.

Also:  Change your font.

Jordan

Nomad,

I recently read something that said not to be vague in your logline. Guess I over-did it.

Courier. Yes. I should know that by now. Don't know how that got away from me.

I will drop the header on each page. Also something I saw recently.

I will correct the page numbers. Thanks. And the "INT: Grocery Store - Night." thing. good point.

Well, I believe there are RFID chips which have to be activated with a small burst of energy like from a laser scanner. I'll double check that though.

Thanks. Appreciate the comments.
Wes