Stranger by Byran Ferrol - Short, Suspense, Mystery - A young girl is tempted away from her mother by a mysterious man. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi there... some thoughts and pointers...

- Chacter names are always capitalised first time they are mentioned in an Action line, so Lily, 7, peruses ... should be LILY, 7, peruses.
- There's good use of dialogue and description in the action so I thought it flowed well.
- I spotted where the story was going and what the twist was fairly early so you might want to disguise it more.
- The bath scene... hmm I doubt you could film this, a little too dark imho maybe a re-write with something less graphic?
- The camera and photographing his naked daughter, again too dark and unless you are impying he's got paedohilic tendencies I'd remove.

Good luck with it

Anthony

Hi Bryan,

A good emotional story there. Had me confused and wondering where it was going, I was a little uncomfortable but found I couldn’t stop reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD

As previously mentioned the bath scene is probably not filmable and it goes a little too far with the picture taking. You had already set the tone with the stranger perfectly, you could achieve the same result with a more innocent scene.

But overall I really enjoyed it, a lovely little story with an ending that made me ‘feels’. :-)

Best of luck, this has potential to be filmed on a low budget.

Mark