Liminality by Lee Cordner (leegion) - Horror, Thriller - In a town where ghosts begin to appear, a man discovers himself at the epicenter of a supernatural revelation.  89 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Lee,

some general notes first:

Get rid of the "BEGIN MONTAGE" and "END MONTAGE".  You don't need them (the montages), they take up space.  The scenes read fine without it.

Keep your writing simple.  All too often I notice writers doing what you're doing here:

Quoted Text A drowned and saturated ADAM stands in an aisle. Water drips from soggy sleeves. Eyes stare coldly.

Keep it simple:

Adam stands in the aisle, his clothes dripping wet.

And

Quoted Text Kat jumps in fright, holds a hand to her chest and wears a terrified look.

Keep it simple:

Kat cups a hand over her mouth in shock.

Also, this line of dialogue doesn't sound like a child

Quoted Text He crept in through the window in the middle of the night and stole me away like a phantom of the dark.

Sorry I did not have the exact page numbers for those 3 examples.

As far as Liminality goes, I stopped at page 52.  You have a semi-interesting idea going here and I was really intrigued at some points but it's not enough when there are no goals, stakes or urgency.  Page 36 has Edward suddenly succumbing to Adam and declaring to the child "I will find him."  Two pages later, page 38, they're ordering seafood.  Almost ten pages later, Edward tells another character that he's going to "find out."  There's a lot of wandering going on here.  There's something very strange going on but no one's doing anything to figure out what in the fuck it is that's going on. haha.  Frankly things should be happening by the time I bailed.  Hell, things should be happening by page 38 but instead our characters are ordering seafood.

You want to give your characters a goal.  You want to add stakes to that goal.  And you want to put a time table behind this in the form of some urgency.  If a character wants something bad enough (goal) and needs it right now (urgency) or else it's his ass (stakes), you will usually have the makings of a good script.  ESPECIALLY if a character cares a huge amount about something and wants this something really, really bad, then we too as readers/viewers will want the character to achieve this something.  An idea to help get things moving along:  maybe Adam and Amy's spirits are disappearing and/or "fading away" (ala Marty McFly from Back to the Future) and Rose and Edward have to figure out who killed them/what happened to them before they are gone forever.

Hey deadite,

Sorry you didn't finish it.  I'll take everything you said and try to work on that.

I'm off my game at the minute.  Not sure if I'll ever get back on track at this rate.  I have, as writers say, Writer's Block, but in a weird way.  I can still write, but it all comes out weird and nonsensical, just like this.

-Lee

Well whatever the case may be, get The Last Sundown up and posted.  It sounds badass and I'm really looking forward to it.

Quoted from Guest Well whatever the case may be, get The Last Sundown up and posted.  It sounds badass and I'm really looking forward to it.

I'll work on getting it up by the end of May.  I'm having no problem with fantasy stuff, it's just modern tales that I'm sucking at, lol.  

Weird month.  Everyone has one.

-Lee

Both the title and premise appear out there, so at least they are consistence and in a garner some sort of mystery and intrigue. This is one that you have dive into and see because there's no goal in your premise, which could lead on to believe that the hero will reacting to forces, but that's common in horror too. I'm going to give it a look and, see I always try to when someone is active on the sigh.

BLB