Jimmy,
I hope that English isn't your primary language because this script is an abortion of proper grammar and spelling. <--- Get it? Abortion? Because...you know, your script is about... never mind.
The fact that your script is so poorly written is a shame because you have a nice little horror/thriller here.
I'm willing to bet money that most people have passed on reading this script because of the logline.
Quoted Text A woman had an abortion,and her boyfriend who work's in SFX. did not like it. |
A few notes:
- Logline: There's no need for the comma after "abortion" and there's no need for a period after "SFX".
- Logline: Don't state that the boyfriend works in SFX. Just say he has a special skill or something like that to leave a bit of mystery. When you say the boyfriend works in SFX, we know the whole time that it's Henry who's tormenting her.
- Under most circumstances you can't drive yourself home after an abortion.
- Your dialogue is on-the-nose.
- Your entire script reads like it went through a translator.
- You use the character's name when you should use the pronoun "she".
- Use simple present tense versus present progressive tense: Use "Jane sleeps" instead of "Jane is asleep"
- When you give a character an age, just write, "JANE WINTERS, 25,".
- Your sentence structure is foreign.
- Learn the difference between "Its", "its'" and "it's". I'll give you a clue: One of those examples doesn't exist.
- You have a bad habit of writing phonetically. You write "Will" instead of "Well". "Dame it" instead of "Dammit". "Will" instead of "We'll". And my favorite one, "Were are" instead of "We're".
- Learn when to use an apostrophe. "Try's" isn't a word unless you have a character named "Try". "Tries" however, is a word.
- Proofread your script ad you will catch errors like using "ad" instead of "and".
- "cant" can't be a word. However, "Can't" can't can't be a word.
- "What id going on?" Indeed.
- Learn the difference between, "They're, There, and Their"
Like I said, you have a good premise here but the way you executed it, is like you were executing it.
You blindfolded it and forced it to its knees before a shallow grave crawling with carrion consuming critters. Then as it begged and pleaded to be set free, you raised a rusted blade to its throat and slashed it open, spraying its soul across the putrid earth. You chuckled as you kicked its corpse into the void and walked away, leaving the flood of flesh eating insects to clamber over each other, fighting for their piece of the pie.
Please don't execute your scripts. They deserve better. The more you know.
Jordan