Made In America by Navid Kiani - Drama, Crime - A crime saga set in the 1950’s against the backdrop of real events, in which a young mobster that is coming up in the Gambino Crime Family, sets out to avenge his younger brother’s death, but through all of the betrayals, is eventually forced to work together with the men that murdered his brother in order to save his own life and climb higher up in the Gambino Crime Family. 153 pages - pdf, format 8)

Navid,

A few notes as I go:

• Your logline is too long.  I'd do something like this:  
  
  Rico, an up and coming mobster in 1950's New York, vows to avenge his little brother's murder, but must decide whether to ally with his brother's killers in order to advance in a world of deceit and betrayal, or suffer his brother's fate.
  
  This is still too long, but it's better.
  
• Shane Black can get away with stuff like "SOME OF THIS SHIT IS TRUE", you can't.
  
• You need "SUPERIMPOSE:" before "NEW YORK 1951"
  
• You don't need to use "We see".  It's obvious we see it.  You wrote it.
  

I have some more notes but I'm not even sure you're reading this.  If you comment, I'll share more.

Jordan

Maybe--

Set in the 1950’s, a young mobster sets out to avenge his younger brother’s death but ends up working together with the murderer in order climb higher up in the Gambino Crime Family.

Shawn.....><

Thanks for the input Jordan. It took me a couple of days to get my account activated. I would love to hear the notes that you have. Also, great logline you made, same goes for Shawn. It catches the essence of the entire story.

Navid

I read up to 13 pages.  I like the opening.  It's good.  With a 152 pages, you probably should have gave us a bit more action up front to reel us in, but I still like the opening.  It's funny and it shows character.  I've seen the videos so I know you got some of it down, especially Costello's "paid my taxes" lines.  After the opening, you started to lose me some.  Firstly, I never heard of any of these guys (outside of Anastasia, Costello, Lanksy, etc.) and, secondly, the script is just too long and not tight enough for me to devote my time right now.  

Thanks for the feedback Deadite! The main character (Rico and his crew) is a fictional character. I tried to create a story against the backdrop of real events.

I'm curious about your action comment. If I'm correct you would like it be more violent? Killings, beatings etc.?

Navid