In The Nick of Time by Manolis Froudarakis (Athenian) - Short, Comedy, Dark Comedy - A teenage couple encounter an old man who seems imminently suicidal. - pdf, format 8)

Wow.  Not really sure what to make of this one.

I'm guessing this is a biting satire about social media and how we share and revel in horrible events instead of doing something about it?  It doesn't really come across as funny, so I don't know if "dark comedy" applies.  

I don't know.  It's not really developed enough to be much of anything, and I think the page-long length really hurts it.  I just hate those two characters.  That's really all I'm left with.

Also, use hyphens in your slugs, not /.

Interested to know why you wrote this.

-Matt

Not bad. Not bad.

It reads like a comment on the video-trend, filming everything no matter how bad it is without any feel of responsible. Mobbing, fights etc. (here suicide)

The way it is here: It's funny. And in the end: sad.  

Do you want to make a parody of our society here? That "we" first laugh about their behavior and your short film at all, and then in the end, recognize how far that whole stuff has gone. How ignorant we are that we even laugh about the movie which only reflects our society? And leave us with a bitter taste of how ill it is that we did?

If you do this good here, we will find ourselves thinking a lot even when the short has ended.

I hope I saw it right here: If so - AWESOME. The length is perfect to kick some asses. Very very controversial.  If you make it professional, that's something I can imagine will run in the big medias as the current famous YouTube-spot. Make it cool, funny and stylish as much as you can, then in the backhand we reflect how much we are part of the phenomena same as these kids are (in other ways for sure). You even can get the youth to reflect and learn some lessons in the funny stylish way they like. Film this if you can. The irony, the freshness is needed. It's simply intelligent imo.

Thanks for your comments, Matt and Alex!

The truth is, this was my first script in English, so I tried to avoid dialogue and keep it as short as possible. Not without a cost, apparently.

I can think of a couple of ways to make it funnier. It doesn't need to be so bleak to be a parody of the attitudes Alex mentioned above. I'll post a revised version soon.

Again, thanks for the read and your help!

Manolis

Like the idea, and as a first script in English I think you've done really well.

My only suggestion is that the final scene is changed to something like
a) Someone else watching it on YouTube
b) The couple send the file to friends and it going viral with loads of people receiving it and opening it
c) People 'Like It' on Facebook
d) All of the above in a montage

Just a thought.

I liked that... it works (story-wise) as is, IMHO.

Hey Athenian,

Thought I’d check this out. I agree with Dressel. I get the “Dark” vibe here, not so much the comedy. On the bright side, I think there’s enough (or could be enough) here to make a decent micro-short. Some technical stuff on your scene headings first…

“EXT. MOUNTAINOUS COUNTRYSIDE, CAR / DAY”

In my opinion you need to choose between “Mountainous Countryside” or “Car” for your scene heading. Which would leave you with something like this:

Code EXT. MOUNTAINOUS COUNTRYSIDE – DAY A parked car sits along the side of the road. Inside, a BOY and GIRL… ect.

In the second heading you include “Moments Later” and “Day”. Once again, you only need one. In this case I prefer “Moments Later”.

Finally, your last slug indicates an Exterior shot of the car, but all the action takes place inside it. It’s especially important we be inside the car so that we can see the phone’s video. So I’d adjust that slug to:

INT. CAR (MOVING) – DAY

As far as the story goes, this works well enough for me. When it comes to these micro-shorts, you’re just looking for one good beat to hang your hat on. I think having this young, loving couple turn into social media sociopaths is a pretty good beat. Something that might give it a little more oomph…

If the Girl fell and scraped her knee while she was running and the Boy helped her up in a very loving and concerned manner… then they see the old guy. I think it’s an interesting contrast that could emphasize what you’ve already got going on.

Other then that I think this works about as well as it can in a single page.

Good luck with it,
Eric

One pagers are hard to pull off, but I think you did a good job here. The boy whistling "alway look in the bright side of life" gave this a very Pythonesque feel to it for obvious reasons, but you ending lived up to it.

I would have made the few action descriptions flow a little better, namely the end where she's looking at the video of the man jumping. She sees it, but we don't. Perhaps you did it that way to fit it in.

Or perhaps, for filming purposes, it might be difficult finding an actor to leap from a cliff. Shorts don't pay that much...if at all.

Either way, good job.

Steve

Thanks for all the comments! It seems most of you think this micro-short could work with some changes. I've already written a much different version (going for pure comedy this time) and I'm curious how you'd compare it with this one. It will be posted in a few hours.

Anthony, I like what you propose – especially the facebook "likes" on the video. Thank you for the read!

Dustin, thanks! Glad you liked it.

Eric, I wish I'd read your suggestions on the technical part before I sent the new version. Really helpful. Your idea about the contradictory behavior of the teens is interesting too. Thanks!

Steve, I agree. Action description, in general, is not my favorite thing in screenwriting. But I'm glad for your, otherwise, positive review.

Again, thank you all for the help! I've also started reading your stuff and will be commenting on it as much as I can.

Manolis

For a first script in English...good job! I actually got a chuckle at the end of it. I'm not sure I like the title for this one. Enjoyed reading this!

Thanks, Dena! Maybe this revised version needs a different title, since it is quite different from the first one. Thanks, again!

For anyone interested. You can now read the new version of the script (the last scene is completely different). Let me know which version you prefer.

Manolis,

Well done!

SPOILERS BELOW



I read both. This has the same social commentary of the first, but made me chuckle at the end. Suffice to say, I prefer this one.

Very clever of you that the boyfriend chooses to hold his hands over the girl's face for what ensues, but would not have had the guy taken a dive. Good choice.

Libby

Quoted from LC Manolis, Well done!

Ditto.

Hilarious payoff.

Is there a specific reason why you don't capitalize the title?  If not, then it should be.

Hey Manolis - I didn't read the previous version, but this works very well in its current form. There's still a nice social commentary going on there on how we're more concerned with a YT hit than saving someone's life. I like the touch with him covering the girl's eyes which is a nice contrast as he was happy (implied) for her to see the guy jump.

This would be really easy to film too - I hope someone picks it :)

Personal minor on the phone screen threw me:
-- POV of the boy through the phone’s screen.
I think you meant:
-- INSERT: Phone screen. The man sways on the edge of the cliff.(?)

Good piece of work though - well done & welcome to the boards.

Manolis,

Welcome to S.S. Always great to see new members.

Not much to say on the script but man that was pretty damn funny. One pagers can be tough to write but you nailed it. Congrats.

- Dirk

Trouble with a story like this is that a producer could so easily write a version of it themselves. Best to film this yourself... but you never know.

Hi,

just read the latest version.

Decent effort, especially if not your first language.

If you wanted to add some further depth you could make them not want to post something on line - say a photo of themselves - but then film the man.

Tricky in one page but the hypocritical actions would add to the nice reversal.

cheers

- Hi Libby, glad you liked it! Indeed, the last thing these kids wished for was to witness such an appalling spectacle. ;) Thank you for the read!

- Hi, Caleb! I didn't capitalize the title because I'd seen some other titles in lowercase - that's all. Glad you found funny the payoff.

- Hi Simon, thanks for your encouraging comments and your welcome! I knew there had to be a better way to describe the boy taking the video - thank you for the tip!

- Hi, Dirk! I'm glad you enjoyed the humor, thanks so much for your kind words!

- Hi, Dustin! The truth is, I don't have any filmmaking experience. Even if I had, my films wouldn't be in English. So I just hope that some of my scripts will attract interest from well-intentioned producers.

- Hi Bill, thanks for the read! Your suggestion is interesting, but, as you guessed, a little hard to be used in such a short script. Thank you anyway!  

Manolis

Just read this and also some of the comments. I won't re-mention any technical issues since they are not severe and others have already done so.

I think I agree with Dressel on this one. While I was reading I hated the boy and girl for filming a possible suicide instead of trying t help. Really went against my instincts, but maybe that's how callus we have become these days? You're the "cool" person for filming it, not the weasel who didn't do anything.

I was relieved when the old man was just peeing. Maybe if the boy and girl were too, it would go down a little easier, storywise. Being shocked and covering up the eyes seems like the wrong reaction, IMHO.

I had no problem with your English, so kudos on that.  :)

Hi Pia, thanks for taking the time to read and comment! Actually, Dressel had commented on the first draft (where the man does commit suicide and the teens do manage to take a video), so I'm glad you didn't read that one. ;)

The couple reacts to the man's peeing the way they would be expected to react if they witnessed his suicide (covering their eyes in shock). I do think this is funny and works well here, given the satirical tone of the piece. But thanks for giving me your honest opinion.

Take care,
Manolis