Sister Switchblade by Sean Halket - Short, Horror, Romance - May and Marie have hit the road to try and make a career out of May's psychic abilities. But after they meet a handsome businessman on a train, May foresees a future she cannot get on board with. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Sean,

Is the current pdf you uploaded finished? There seems to be no indicator of an end. I'm not sure if anyone dies at the end.

Tony.

HI Sean,

Thought I would give this a read. I liked the story, it was easy to follow and kept me reading. There are a few typos in there but nothing terrible.

I also couldn't understand some of the weird action at the end, so May is in the bathroom ready to slit her wrists, then when Marie kicks open the door she lashes out, why? Surely not over her future?
I read this as "it ends badly" meaning May knows what is about to happen when Marie opens the door?

Perhaps a different ending as the story is quite mysterious? I think the girls should stay on the train,  May predicting the future of the bathroom actions instead of it actually happening, leaving us thinking, will this happen? That could make for a more thrilling ending.

I'm not entirely sold on the title as the main focus seems to be on her ability to see the future, maybe 'Psychic sister'?

These are all just my thoughts and opinion of course

Lee

Hi Sean,

I was intrigued by the tagline, it made me want to read the script.

The action could be a bit leaner but it was fine. For example you take two lines to tell us the girls are sharing a quiet moment for the first time in a while but the dialogue 'Alone at last' tells us that as well.

I enjoyed the dialogue between the girls. It was a little awkward when Lebretski joined the party but I still wanted to find out what was going to happen which is the more important thing.

I think you made May too powerful - knowing everything about a person just by a glance streatches the belivabilty and could cause problems down the line in the story, which it does.

It all goes terribly confusing and wrong from about page 10 onwards. May has already demonstrated her god-like powers and we know Marie is fully aware of this yet she says "You're good, but you ain't that good. I swear." So why doesn't she believe May? They've run away to make a fortune based on May's gift, you don't run away based on a hunch.

The fall out and sudden breakdown of the relationship based on a premonition is good focus point for conflict but it's so fast and out of character for them it didn't work for me.

I thought what we were about to see was May's action causing her future premonition to occur but what we see instead is an apparent suicide attempt turn into an eyeball attack on her sister which is pretty bonkers. It appears she's destroyed her future, which contradicts her earlier abilities which suggests she's never wrong, she even says 'Its set in stone'. So the ending left me quite confused and you never want to leave your audience confused.

And after reading this I have to say although the title of the script is cool, it doesn't really reflect the story at all.

Some suggestions.  A title change. Reduce May's abilities to fortune telling, e.g. the future only. Create some conflict with her sister from the start, some jealousy maybe from Marie over her powers while May envies Marie's beauty? Build this up to a climax which drives  Marie into Lebretski's arms and makes it look like her premonition is coming true but when she lashes out with the switchblade and (I'd suggest) kills Marie then she suddenly realises the future is not set and can be altered.  

But they are just some suggestions and my opinion ofc!

Mark