Lost and Found by Jimmy Dean - Short, Drama - A young boy tries to console his mother after she loses her phone, which had great sentimental value to her.  5 pages - pdf, format 8)

SPOILERS

I liked this but I wanted more of a reason for him to have hidden the phone, or rather a more fully developed reason..

Perhaps he could review the TXT messages and read the one's where the guy is apologising for something, hitting her or cheating maybe?

'Shitty little Nokia' made me laugh.

Anthony

Thanks for the read, and glad you enjoyed it. My worry was that I didn't want to be too obvious about things, but if it left you wanting a more developed reason, it's something I'll definitely take on board.

Sorry to bump this or whatever, but I was hoping for a little more feedback if possible. I wouldn't mind reviewing some shorts in return? Just want to get some more opinions because I'm hoping to direct this at some point, potentially this summer.

Sounds fair enough, Jimmie. I'll have a look into it when I've got some time. I realise some may think I have loads. I do. But I'm not gonna read a script until I'm in the mood. I mean a good one. I mean mood.

Hang on, weren't you in East of Eden? And there was that business with the car cr... No. Forgot about that.

Maybe you were The Canyons? If so erm. Probably better move on.

Expect a read next day or two from me.

R

Hi, Split. Just read it. My thoughts on the script:

I liked this. A moving tale of a boy trying to comfort his mother after a break-up. I think you captured the emotions well. I really like the dialogue.

I don't see anything wrong with the story, however I would like to see a bit more about why the boy decided to hide the phone. Maybe the boy could mention that mum was spending far too much time looking at the old texts and pictures on the phone?

Another plus from me is that you created a character that is a mature 13 year old and did it well. Props for that. You don't see that often on TV/movies these days. Most of them are just portrayed as annoying gits.

Now to the format. I think you could trim the action lines down and save a fair amount of space. I'm preaching something I've just recently gotten the hang of, but the more concise the easier it will be for your actors to learn if you go ahead with the directing plan.

A thirteen year old BOY sits on a sofa, playing on his
laptop, engrossed in his game. His iPhone is on the armchair
and his bag beside him.

The flash of lights through the closed curtains and the
RUMBLE of a car passing the window draws his attention.

could become something in the lines of:

BOY (13) sits on the sofa engrossed in a game on his laptop, a bag and an iPhone next to him.

Lights flash through the closed curtains. A car's RUMBLE catches his attention.

--

15 words saved already.

You're also missing a FADE IN: and FADE OUT. Not really a problem, but seeing a FADE OUT is in my opinion still quite necessary.

I wish you the best of luck with directing it if you decide to go along with it! I'd love to see how this turns out on the screen, so when you have the end product send me a PM on the forums. :)

- DS

Thank you very much for the review. I've always struggled between trying to keep things concise and being descriptive, so that's something I'll definitely look into on both the next draft and future projects.

I kind of want to keep things quite ambiguous in terms of what's happened, because I thought it might feel forced to give more backstory the situation. If you don't feel like it'd be forced, then maybe that's something I'll look into for sure.

Thanks, I recently directed my short which has just gotten into its first festival, so hopefully this is next on the list, but we'll see!

I don't agree with previous posters regarding the need to give more motive for hiding the phone. It's perfectly obvious! Well done as is.

And saving 15 words? Well, OK, I'm all for it, but, jeeze...

Figured I'd take a look. I'm in agreement with DS, your action lines are pretty messy and could do with tightening up. If you follow his advice throughout the script then you will save far more than 15 words.

Code Eventually, his MUM opens the door and stands in the doorway, unable to keep a distraught FROWN from appearing on her face. The boy looks up at her, as if asking a question. Slowly, she shakes her head. The boy can’t keep eye contact. He looks down towards his laptop. He doesn’t see his mum shut the door and walk into the living room.

His mum has opened the door and is in the living room doorway already. So all she need do is shut the door and sit down. The way it is written here is confusing, location-wise.

Code The boy’s not uncomfortable, but he doesn’t know how to react, shuffling in his seat.

He clearly is uncomfortable.

Code As he reaches and opens the door, he looks back at her. They hold eye contact. He leaves, shutting the door--

Are you talking about the front door?

Code She gives the boy a thankful look and they both sit back day.

What?

Nice little story over all. Not much can go wrong filming it. Few typo's here and there. It's not going to win any awards, but it works.

A nice story here. But I would like to know why this ex guy of hers is so special? There are a few lines I had to read twice to get it but nothing a little editing won't sort out.

Best of luck with this.

Lee

I agree with HenryChristner in that I don't think an explicit explanation is needed for the hiding of the phone.

I took as him wanting her to move on, to put MAN behind her. The phone and photos represented her clinging to the past which he considered to be a negative and unhelpful influence in her life.

Lines like:

BOY
Just try not to be too upset. He’s
not worth any more of your time.

and:

BOY
(tentatively)
Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.

Tell you all you need to know in regards his motivations.

Tough love alright, an extreme measure to take but sometimes invasive action like this might be what the situation requires. The script doesn't give us enough to debate whether he is right or wrong but the "hint of regret on his face" indicate he's not doing it spitefully. That its a tough decision for him too.

Hi Jimmy,

Nice little short, touching and effective. There's errors which have already been pointed out and it could be trimmed and tidyed but if you are planning on making this yourself, none of that really matters as you can visualise each scene in your head already. It's a different matter if someone else is making it.

Best of luck with this.

Mark