Graves by Matt Thompson - Thriller - Out of college and desperate for work, an amateur P.I. works the graveyard shift with the vampire formerly known as Dracula. Only with her wits and his experience can they put an end to a series of murders orchestrated by Abraham Van Helsing. 95 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey guys, Matt's a good writer.  He hasn't been around for what seems like eternity and I was real surprised to see "Dark Shape" browsing the boards.  When I saw Don posted this by Matt, I knew why.  I know it's a quid pro quo thing around here, so after talking to Matt, I have recommended some scripts for him to check out.

Anyway, Matt:

The opening was badass.  I liked it a lot, but I am kind of disappointed as it's the best part of the entire script.  The rest just doesn't live up to it.  We fast forward into the future and tag along with Drake and Chase as they team up together.  For the most part, I liked their interaction together, and the ending was cute.

My real issue was the lack of urgency.  I feel that the script would work way better if Drake and Chase had to resolve this matter RIGHT NOW or it would be their asses.  I also thought that Drake and Chase were never really concerned that much with what was going on.  I mean (SPOILER ALERT) Chase's sister gets killed and it doesn't seem like she cared.  What I would recommend?  Put a deadline on this thing - a ticking time bomb.  Drake and Chase have to catch Van Helsing before this time or else it's their ass.

I didn't hate it, I didn't love it - it was middle of the road for me - but I gained a lot from the read, two things I'll be sure to keep in mind for my next feature:  make sure the rest of the script is as good as your opening sequence/scene.  And make sure that a sense of urgency is employed so the reader feels like they're on the edge of their seat.

Steve

This could be a very entertaining film.

I think that the script succeeds; it's very fast moving, there's clever dialogue and the characters are satisfyingly complex.

Some notes and spoilers --

I like that the humor has a mostly natural feel to it, not forced, so it seems like nervous energy, even wildly nervous energy.

"Ben gives chase"; not heavy handed, just a cute line, keeps the reader's interest.

Unless my eyes deceived me, around page 43 DMH is written DMN and towards the end there's a line about curiosity kills the car -- I took these to be typos.

All of the characters become increasingly more interesting as the story unfolds so there's genuine tension and moments of surprise.  Very good.

Chase's dialogue is distinct and bright.  She's a likeable character, not so very tough as to rival Buffy, Chase's strengths are recognizably, honestly hard-earned.  

The scene where she cuts her hand with the broken glass was confusing for me; she seemed to have too much range of motion.
Also... she let herself be drugged (in an early scene)  -- that set my teeth on edge.
Spiked drink.  Teeth on edge.  Still doesn't work for me.

All in all I think this story would entertain audiences and there are enough original elements to please those particularly partial to this genre.

I applaud and congratulate you!

Is Dracula in public domain?

Yep, very much so.

Thanks so much for the reads, guys!  I'm trying not to reply too much, as I find that addressing certain negative notes can come off as a bit too defensive.  I finished GRAVES a year ago (and have since converted it into a pilot, which I think really helps the stakes issue), but I've had an itch to go back and tweak it.  I've always known the conflict was a little small but I hoped Drake and (especially) Chase's characters would be enough to carry it.

(I will say, however, that when it comes to Chase knowingly being ruffied... that was tough for me.  It wasn't there originally, but in the first version I cut immediately from the death of Ms. Garrett to Chase tied up in the chair.  I was very scared about coming off like I'm victimizing women, so I wanted to establish -- as bad as it might look -- that Chase weirdly has some agency here.)

So anyway, for the time being I will bow out, but know that I'm thrilled by the reads and all of the comments, both positive and negative.  And thanks in advance to anyone else who might give it a read.  I just hope it's entertaining!