A Face in the Crowd by Anthony Cawood - Short, Thriller - A man who works with secrets discovers a dark shadow is dogging his every step. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Ant,

I'm kinda confused. The Staring Man has powers to watch a watcher? He also has powers to pull people into his own reality? But to what reason? I can see the creepiness to the message.

Page 1,
Derin's first intro should be all CAPS.
The images are on the computer monitor, correct? You should clarify and not in the scene itself.

Page 2,
I don't care for the description "dressed smartly" Hard to visual smart clothes. Not to be sarcastic but is there a "dressed dumbly"  too?

Page 8,
I think you are missing a comma before mate in a dialog.

Is Darin dead?

Gl,

Tony

Hi Tony

Many thanks for the read, appreciated.

Staring Man is intentionally enigmatic and left without an explanation, the short is meant to be a social commentary, mixed with a horror element, on Snowden
/Wikileaks and the prevalance of cameras and hidden observation in today's society. Kinda those spied upon turning the tables.

Derin in CAPS - schoolboy, not sure how I let that slip through.
'Dressed smartly' had always assumed this was a universal saying, clearly it's UK specific. It means to dress conservatively, normally implies suit and tie... but no, no dressed dumbly as far as I know ;-)
Comma, thanks good spot.

Derin's fate, well he might be, he might just be stuck in the twilight zone, again enigmatic on purpose.

Thanks again

Anthony

Hi Anthony,

This is interesting and has a Black Mirror feel to it. The truth is, I'd prefer the Staring Man to have been only in Derin's mind, as a result of his obsession with him (the only "unmatched" person in the crowd). Also, what if Derin also felt guilty for his involvement in this Big Brother thing and feared the consequences of his potential uncovering? That probably could explain his paranoia and strengthen the psychological element of the story.

Another well-written short from you. Thanks for sharing.

Manolis

Thought this was quite clever. Enjoyed the ambiguity and it essentially being a circle.

That said, I feel like the script's voice is a little too detached -- you could milk the creep factor of the Staring Man a tiny bit more. Also felt the dialogue was a bit basic but that's hardly a major issue. This is far more about what we see than what we hear.
Also...

"Jeez, you made me jump." -  Wouldn't Jaedon have seen him jump? I think it'd be a little more natural just for Derin to let out a "jeez" by itself.

Hi Manolis/Dark

Many thanks for the reads, really appreciated.

Manolis - Black Mirror hadn't occured to me, but think there's an element of it in there somewhere. Did originally think about a dream aspect to it, but that sort of filtered itself out, and now I think it works well at a visual level. Do like the idea of amping up his paranoia though so will have a look at weaving some more of that in.

Dark - You're right about the dialogue, I've tried to keep it very minimal and rely on the visual aspects. 'Jeez' bit hmm not sure will have a ponder on that.

Glad you both liked the short.

Anthony

Anthony

Interesting idea here with surrealistic overtones...rather unsettling too. However, at eight pages it feels like the incubation of a concept, a set up but nothing more…intriguing nonetheless though.

It descended into cliché at times in terms of the interactions (or non-interactions) Derin has with the Watching Man. I mean, how many times have we seen the reflection-in-the-mirror-only-to-turn-around-to-nobody scene or the tapping-on-the-shoulder-of-supposed-person-you-are-looking-for-only-to-reveal-its-somebody-else scene? I’ll answer that, way too many times.

I liked how Watching Man stares out from the TV, it’s weird and unnerving but I wonder can you come up with more original ways to convey his ghostly presence around Derin while leaving the interpretation open whether the latter is actually losing his mind or not.

DERIN
What? Oh, sorry, I was sure you
were someone else.

- This line typifies what I’m talking about, If you done a script search using this line, google would probably breakdown with the amount of results yielded!;)

I like the man just appearing at the end and essentially swapping places with Derin, inexplicable but chilling regardless.

I wonder what you are trying to say here, if anything? Is it a criticism of the increasing nanny state mentality of the developed world, the invasion of privacy/intrusiveness of governmental organisations and the diminishing effect it has on civil liberties. Is this a wishful scenario whereby the watcher becomes the watched, gets thrown into the front-line, away from the insular comforts of their cushy offices? In other words, a taste of their own medicine

I would be interested to hear your intentions.

Col.

Hi Col and any thanks for the read.

Weird, unsettling, chilling and unnerving were definitely what I was going for so glad they all came through.

I'm not happy with the reflection in the mirror either, thanks for confirming my gut feel - will look to revise this and other ways for how his presence is seen/felt.

'Someone else' line, fair shout, I will re-look at.

What I am trying to say is, well a number of things
1) We are watched, observed or filmed constantly in western society.
2) Some of that is by those who are there to protect us, but the lines have become blurred.
3) The social conscience shown by Wikileaks, Snowden etc is facilitated (to a degree) by the very technology that creates the issues in the first place.
4) That social conscience, via FB, Twitter etc is starting to be used against those observing/protecting us.
5) So on a metaphorical level Staring Man may win eventually.

That's what I was going for anyway, how much is there in a relatively short short I'm not sure but hopefully some of all the above is visible.

Thanks again for the great comments and questions.

Anthony

Quoted from AnthonyCawood What I am trying to say is, well a number of things 1) We are watched, observed or filmed constantly in western society. 2) Some of that is by those who are there to protect us, but the lines have become blurred. 3) The social conscience shown by Wikileaks, Snowden etc is facilitated (to a degree) by the very technology that creates the issues in the first place. 4) That social conscience, via FB, Twitter etc is starting to be used against those observing/protecting us. 5) So on a metaphorical level Staring Man may win eventually. Anthony

- Cool, that's all relevant and important stuff to tackle, very interesting too, although I'm not so sure on point 4 and 5. I'd like to think so too but with social media I feel the “watchers” have been given another viable tool to monitor us, they are using it as oppose to us using it against them.

Although, on the other hand, global communication among the common rabble, the "prole" if you will, is more prevalent than ever and is set to increase which has its positives and negatives.

Alternative opinions, point of views and ideas get exchanged and you'd like to think we are more enlightened as to what’s going on around us in a general sense but I dunno, every time we seem to be making progress in the right direction, increasing transparency, etc, something happens to knock us back and its often self inflicted whether its reluctance, fear or willful ignorance...Anyway, interesting work.

Col.

Thanks Col

And I'm an optimist, so I hope 4 and 5 become more of a reality... though I accepth they may not ;-(

Anthony

Thanks to all for your feedback on Face in the Crowd.

I included much of it in a new draft... that has just been announced as taking 3rd Place in Reel Writers Screenwriting contest.

http://www.reelwriterscontest.com/winners.html

The help and support of the writers on SS is really appreciated.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Thanks to all for your feedback on Face in the Crowd. I included much of it in a new draft... that has just been announced as taking 3rd Place in Reel Writers Screenwriting contest. http://www.reelwriterscontest.com/winners.html The help and support of the writers on SS is really appreciated.

W00t!

Congratulations, Anthony!

Grats Ant!

Great to heat indeed.

Tony

That's great. Congratulations!

- DS

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Thanks to all for your feedback on Face in the Crowd. I included much of it in a new draft... that has just been announced as taking 3rd Place in Reel Writers Screenwriting contest. http://www.reelwriterscontest.com/winners.html The help and support of the writers on SS is really appreciated.

Better than paying for a script reading service.

Well done, mate. Still awaiting that feature.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Thanks to all for your feedback on Face in the Crowd. I included much of it in a new draft... that has just been announced as taking 3rd Place in Reel Writers Screenwriting contest. http://www.reelwriterscontest.com/winners.html The help and support of the writers on SS is really appreciated.

Congratulations! And I second the WOOT!

One of my scripts featured on these boards (Undead Nightmare) got into the semi-final stage of Shriekfest recently and I was over the moon but I just found out it hasn't been selected for the finals. Still, it's lilttle boosts like that which keep me going.  

Well done for getting the recognition, deservedly so!

Thanks all for your congrats and kind words, genuinely think that the SS feedback made this a better script and me, in general, a better writer!

Dustin - one of the appeals of this particular competition was the couple of rounds of script coverage it provided, got decent feedback and then placed for $$$s so came out ahead too. Feature - was actually working on the structure over the weekend, I reckon another week of tweaking the index cards and I'll be onto the writing... no idea how long that'll take,

Mark, thanks mate and totally agree... obviously I'd rather have someone option a script but the competitions provide a nice boost in the meantime. Good luc with you next submission.

Thanks

Anthony

Hi All

Looks like I've sold this one, contracts should be done over next couple of days. ;-)

OMG! Well done pal! :-)

This was a spooky little tale. It reminded me of an opening to the classic tv show X-files or the more recent Fringe. This event happens and then the team has to come in and investigate how an analyst just disappeared and ended up dead in a riot somewhere a few weeks ago.

I enjoyed moments of this one, the premise is pretty cool and could possibly make a decent sci-fi horror with peeps that can shall we say move through surveillance equipment. I think there may have even been a story like this on one of the above shows or possibly something like the Outer Limits.

On the other hand, I could have just missed the whole point to this one because I was left a little bemused by the end. At first, I thought the man was going to be Derin himself in some cool time travel concept but this gets thrown out the window by the end. Who is this Staring Man (be consistent with this name btw) and why does he trade places with Derin? That’s the problem with stories like this – they leave too many questions.

I guess this could be some weird take on the Big Brother society we live in nowadays with cameras all over the place. If that indeed was the case, I really wish that you’d concentrated on those damn traffic/speed cameras and given the police some comeuppance. ;D

I do think this dragged for 8 pages, and could be condensed down for the same spooky vibe. Do we need to meet Jaedon, and know that he looks presentable? Do we need to know Derin’s shopping list, that he drinks coke (nice product placement) or even what he eats for breakfast?

There are some awkward lines and missing comma’s floating about, not to mention that you didn’t cap Derin on intro, but otherwise not much to complain about in terms of writing. One line had me confused though –

“In cubicles all around him sit Derin wannabes”

I understand it but find it a weird thing to say. Are you saying that Derin is that popular and good at his job, that all his workmates want to be him? Kinda like James Bond “Women want to be with him, men want to be him” If that is the case, then it now makes more sense to me why the Staring Man wants to take over his life.

A good spooky premise, even if the actual story and events were a little lost on me. I would see if you can turn this into a decent little horror – it has the makings of a good one if done right.

Best of luck with it.

Adding to my original post as I’ve just read through the comments – congrats on getting this one picked up.

Thanks for the read and the comments Bazinga - really appreciated.

Re 'leaves too many questions' - good that worked then ;-) ... my intention was to leave it open ended and provoke the viewer to think through the short and its themes.

And it's those theme's of surveillance, Big Brother etc you've picked up on, though love the idea of getting back at speeding camera's!

I think in my current version (not the one uploaded) most of the typo's and stuff are fixed inc capitalising DERIN.

The Derin wannabe line... was more to imply that they are all the same, not specifically like Derin himself.

Many thanks

Anthony

Anthony,

Congrats on placing! As for the writing, there's some passive structure that warrants punctuation for clarity. Also, there are some passages that should be combined for the shot. I know folks like as few lines as possible, but this is an instance where more lines would benefit the flow of reading.

What makes Derin more of a target than the rest of the litter? I visualize a bunch of morose desk jockeys doing the same routine everyday. Even when Derin is being stalked by this mystery, he seems to be locked in some sort of routine. His comfort zone. You should consider taking him out of it before the end - that way his fate is grounded in a fear that's defined.

I thought it was a cool premise, quick read even when it was hard to visualize sometimes.

Later,

Johnny

*and congrats for selling too! Great stuff!*

Hi Johnny and thanks for the read, appreciated.

Derin isn't meant to be anymore of a target than anyone else, he's just one of the many 'morose desk jockeys'... it's random like the random surveilance he undertakes, it's why his routine is established - it's all normal... excpet for Staring Man... well that was what I was going for ;-)

and thanks for the congrats, now for the waiting ;-)

Anthony

Looks like this one is back on the 'Available to Produce' pile ;-(

Anthony

All comments will self-destruct in....

Good job for a spooky tale.  A shift-changer works well in our current environment.  The ability to look through the connection to find derin is eerie and hard to understand. I'll buy it, though.

Perhaps giving the riot a theme would add something to the story.  It could be a riot about space exploration or some environmental issue. Otherwise it's difficult to guess why the man wants or needs to trade places.

Best
Richard

Thanks for taking a look Richard... appreciated.

The man is looking back because Derin is looking in, it's an elemet of social commentary on the observation we are constantly under from Govt to CCTV on the roads... plus it's nice n eerie ;-)

Was optioned but now available again...

Anthony

After a great Skype session with the Prod/Dir, A Face in the Crowd has been optioned by Mad Lungi films in NY...

Atta go - congrats

Face in the Crowd announced as official nominee/finalist at the Utah Film Awards... and anther Producer has shown an interest - third time lucky? Can but hope!

And this one has been optioned yet again... 5th time lucky maybe ;-)