Who Killed Rosa Maria Morales? by Manolis Froudarakis (Athenian) - Short, Comedy, Dark Comedy - The man who knows the truth about a mysterious murder lies in an ambulance after a heart attack. Detective Sanchez needs to question him before it is too late. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Manolis,

Pretty damn good, man. Loved the twist at the end. You have a way to make something seem horrible quickly turn into something funny. Great job on this one!

- Dirk

Hmm, I'm not sure about this one. The jury's still out.  Spotted a few formatting issues.  I'll elaborate later if you like.  Storywise, it was entertaining --until the end.  Kinda fell flat for me. I was thinking maybe the big twist would be that the Paramedic killed Rosa, but no such luck.

Btw, would the Detective refer to the Paramedic as a Nurse?  In an event, I think you have a good premise here, but needs a better ending.

Athenian,

Thought this worked well for the page count.  Good set-up with an amusing pay-off that I didn't see coming.

There’s some nice touches with the POV -- the Man watching as Sanchez vies to see around the Paramedic.  

Couple of minors:

DETECTIVE SANCHEZ
Detective Sanchez, LAPD. It seems
you’ve just had a heart attack. Who
killed Rosa Maria...?

The ‘who killed Rosa Maria…’ line comes a bit quick of the bat here to me.  

Is Sanchez still holding the Man’s hand when the defibrillator is going?  That might not be so good…

Steve.

- Hi Dirk, glad you liked it! It seems we have a similar sense of humor - thanks for your kind words!

- Hi Caleb, thanks for your comments! I can't change the twist (the whole script is based upon it), but maybe I can think of a better way to deliver it. Regarding the paramedics, I have no idea how they are actually addressed: is "Paramedic!" acceptable? However, I also wanted the detective to sound a little rude, that's why I preferred "Nurse!". Any suggestions on formatting will be welcome.

- Hi Steve, thank you for the read! I thought it would be funny if detective Sanchez asked the man about the murder right after delivering him the bad news: "You've just had a heart attack. Now, what about the murder?" As for your other question, no, he is not holding the man's hand during the defibrillation. I should have clarified it.

Again, thanks for all the comments!

Quoted from Athenian Hi Caleb, thanks for your comments! I can't change the twist (the whole script is based upon it), but maybe I can think of a better way to deliver it. Regarding the paramedics, I have no idea how they are actually addressed: is "Paramedic!" acceptable? However, I also wanted the detective to sound a little rude, that's why I preferred "Nurse!". Any suggestions on formatting will be welcome.

You're welcome.  In hindsight I think I get the story now.  This seems to be somewhat of a parody of a Mexican Soap Opera.  In answer to yourr question, nurse would not be the proper or even improper way to address a paramedic.  They wear name tags, so I'd just give the paramedic a last name and have the detective adrress him as that.

A black screen should be OVER BLACK

then FADE IN:

Also sounds should be capitalized.  A siren WAILS.    A heart monitor BEEPS.

Detectve Sanchez screams at the ambulance ceiling is awkward.  How 'bout --  Detective Sanchez clenches his fists, gazes heavenward and screams.

That's all I got.  Best with it.

Thanks, Caleb. I had forgotten about the name tags - good thought! "Heavenward" is also a good solution and capitalizing the sounds won't be a problem (I didn't know it was still required).

Yes, the script is sort of a parody. If it was ever to be filmed, it probably would be funnier in Spanish, with English subtitles. Or maybe detective Sanchez could talk with Sofia Vergara's accent. ;)

Hey Athenian

I liked this script. The dialogue of the detective made me think of those telenovelas I've seen recently. The twist was funny as I've seen people very serious about not just these series but others as well. The only advice I can give (which I'm sure will be redundant) is you mention "We see" which is a negative, I'm sure you know this by now. But, I enjoyed this one. Keep it up.

Hi 13thChamber, glad you liked it! Instead of "we see him", maybe I should have written "he sees himself" (it is still his POV). I wasn't sure about it.

Thank you for the read!

Manolis

Hey Athenian,

All in all I thought this worked well. Besides the very few tid-bits mentioned above this was well written and I didn't see the ending coming. And worked well for three pages. I got a chuckle out of it.

Nice Job.

I read this several days ago but refrained from commenting because I didn't really have anything to say about it.  But now that I remember, I did find it confusing that you had character names appearing for dialogue when they were never once intro'd at all.  So at times it was like, did I miss something here - who the hell is talking?

Now that's embarrassing. Sorry, Steve and others, I accidentally submitted an unedited draft. "Gregory Lewis" is actually the Paramedic (I had decided to give him a name, then regretted it). I'm going to submit the correct draft now - thanks for letting me know, Steve.

Thank you too for your kind words, JimiLamp! Glad you liked the script despite my oversight. ;)

Edit: Oh, "Script submissions are closed until July 15, 2014." Just read that.

Manolis

Who is Gregory Lewis? The Paramedic's name in a previous draft I presume. It was funny just seeing it there appear out of nowhere and disappear again just as quick.

I enjoy Spanish names so was chuckling along to the list that Detective Sanchez rattles off, particularly "Fabio Vidal".

Well written with a clever and amusing twist at the end that I never saw coming so it worked perfectly for what it was.

Good job.

Regards

Col.

Quoted from CalebHart Also sounds should be capitalized.  A siren WAILS.    A heart monitor BEEPS.

This is not true.

Very good story mate. Reads just fine to me. The only weakness in format I detected was the POV camera shots. Nice work yet again.

Looking for a quick read this morning, and folks seem to like this one.

Very cute idea.  I enjoyed it, but I do have a suggestion for you that is a bit more visual.

The early portion is filmed from the patient's POV, and the detective instructs him to blink his eyes for "yes."  I think that is a mistake.

I was envisioning this poor patient riding bug-eyed and unblinking for the duration.

Have the detective tell him to blink his eyes for "no".  Then, from the patient POV, we can see the patient "blinking" -- negative responses as the screen goes black, then returns -- as the detective gets more desperate and flustered with each blink.

Apart from that, nice piece.  Good work.

Thanks Col, glad you liked it! I'll take care of "Gregory Lewis" as soon as submissions are opened. It is funny how I fail to spot such things, while double-checking my English and everything. ;)

Thank you too, Dustin! I liked the idea of a POV from below turning into a POV from above (via the out-of-body experience), but wasn't sure how to express it. As for capitalizing the sounds or not, I'd be glad to adopt the most usual practice.

Hi Bert, I like a lot your suggestion! It could also help to make the moment of the cardiac arrest more interesting: when the patient hears the last name, he closes his eyes without re-opening them. I think it would be better that way. Thanks for the read and the help!

I read this when you first posted it and got waylaid with a review. Very enjoyable and I didn't pick what was going on until the end. You definitely have a knack for these types of scripts. :)

Thanks, Libby! These are the only types of scripts you will be seeing from me in the near future, so they'd better be enjoyable. ;)

I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said, but I read it and I enjoyed it.

This was very well done for a 4 page script. One of my biggest challenges as a writer has been writing effective shorts and so this was a very good example for me and I enjoyed reading it.

Not much else to say other then you effectively set up the twist and I didnt see it coming so thats mission accomplished.

Nice job!

Glad you liked it, Pete. Thanks for the read!

Thank you too, Topher! I have some experience with shorts, but full-length scripts are still an intimidating challenge for me.  ;)

For anyone interested, here's a stop motion (lego) animation version of "Rosa". It is a hobbyist's work and there were difficulties and limitations, but... it is something different.

Wow... that's tough to watch, I managed about 1.15 before turning it off. I'd rather read the script.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Wow... that's tough to watch, I managed about 1.15 before turning it off. I'd rather read the script.

The thing with the first scene was that it had to be done in a single long shot, from the patient's POV. In the second scene, where the POV has been abandoned (for technical reasons), there's more freedom and the whole thing looks better.

Congratulations on getting this produced and Legofied! haha! genius!

Thanks, Mark! Glad you liked it.