Quoted from Busy Little Bee Hey, Chris So, I’ve only made it to page 18, and I thought I’d share what I see and think. And, so far, you’ve hit what I would expect in the launching of the story… we meet the main character, his allies Lamar, Sarah & Jerry, the antagonist, the chupacabra. You even have a desire, which is to track and find the chupacabra; also, you even put the main character in a bad situation that doesn’t relate to the desire, he’s a divorce. |
Quoted from Busy Little Bee With that said, the execution on a few of those were confusing and created the wrong kind of questions for a reader/viewer. For example, why did the group and the manager seem way more concerned for people getting attacked in the shop |
Quoted from Busy Little Bee why the people while bleeding asking, “who are?” do they really care. |
Quoted from Busy Little Bee The videotape read as though we couldn’t see what was on the screen, and it was just audio. |
Quoted from Busy Little Bee Why was Lamar laughing? It just makes your characters appear less credible. BLB |
Quoted Text A photograph of Jim Beard�s body and wound. |
Quoted Text JERRY BEARD (forties or early fifties) |
Quoted Text TOM JONES (late forties) |
Quoted Text TOM is divorced. He has a mustache. |
Quoted Text SARAH (V.O.) Hey, Tom. Just letting you know Lamar and I are on our way. Tom nods his head. TOM Roger that. See ya soon. Tom hangs up and resumes walking. TOM (cont�d) That was Sarah. Tom descends the stairs. |
Quoted Text Assorted chupacabra paraphernalia adorns the walls. |
Quoted Text JILL wears a divorce-themed T-shirt. |
Quoted Text He wears a T-shirt of an 80s or 90s cartoon. |
Quoted Text SARAH I don�t mean to be rude, Tom, but... what�s with the camera? |
Quoted Text JILL You�re not his mother, Sarah! Sarah slaps Jill. SARAH Fuck you, bitch! Trent heads toward the door. Sarah turns toward him. SARAH You know, on second thought, you can come with us. For now. Trent takes a deep breath. TRENT Halle-fucking-lujah! Trent opens the door. TRENT (cont�d) So long, sucker! He closes the door behind him. Sarah picks up the camera. SARAH The tribe has spoken. |
Quoted Text TOM Are you blind, sir? STEVE The name�s Steve. |
Quoted Text STEVE (cont�d) Never heard of him. Some kind of Mexican wrestler? |
Quoted Text STEVE Then again, I used to think Yom Kippur was an old dead actor... until I met my girlfriend. |
Quoted Text TOM Oh, you�re thinking of Yul Brynner in the movie, Westworld. |
Quoted from DS Okay - continuing: P4: Missed this earlier - How did Trent get there? |
Quoted from DS P5 [I think you mean P6?]: Lamar is sweating and then he's suddenly cold 20 seconds after? |
Quoted Text A shadow appears on the wall by the stairs. Purring. The shadow lingers, and then ascends up the stairs. Lamar takes a chill. LAMAR Damn, is anyone else cold in here? |
Quoted from DS Lots of OTT drama here and it feels poorly handled. The dialogue never really shined, but it's getting really bad now.
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Quoted from DS Lamar suddenly banging doors over a harmless comment, Sarah slapping Jill and breaking into a "Fuck you, bitch" was questionable. It looks like everyone's supposed to be hating on Jill. |
Quoted from DS Perhaps, but the scenes feel underplayed and overplayed at the same time. They're really short and it feels like you're trying to get out of them too fast, while filling them with OTT moments where they act like small children with what looks like forced profanity. |
Quoted from DS P10: Sarah's crying and quivering feels a little hasty and perhaps added for too much of a dramatic effect just as Tom's hyperventilating when he was questioning Jim Beard's wife. |
Quoted from DS Also what's "takes a chill?" Twice I've heard it now, I think you've worded something wrong? Is this an actual expression? Nothing when I Google it. |
Quoted from DS Now the scene instantly switches to them at a 7-eleven and oh wonder, the Chupacabra is at a rampage in the store as soon as they exit it? What a coincidence. |
Quoted from DS I'd say you should give the ramifications of the attack on the car some screentime instead of them being jolly at a 7-eleven instantly after. |
Quoted from DS 3 customers are escaping and of course the dialogue reveals nothing and instead they stop for an useless comment then run forwards. And one of them asks who they are and then runs off after hearing the answer? Okay. This feels like a familiar scene and instead of creating extra tension it's making me roll my eyes. |
Quoted Text TOM Are you blind, sir? STEVE The name�s Steve. |
Quoted Text STEVE (cont�d) Never heard of him. Some kind of Mexican wrestler? |
Quoted Text STEVE Then again, I used to think Yom Kippur was an old dead actor... until I met my girlfriend. |
Quoted Text TOM Oh, you�re thinking of Yul Brynner in the movie, Westworld. |
Quoted from DS Right? Is this serious? I didn't see comedy listed as a genre. |
Quoted Text LOOMIS Because I know him. I'm his doctor. You must be ready for him. If you don't, it's your funeral. |
Quoted Text WYNN Haddonfield is 150 miles away from here. Now, for God sakes, he can't drive a car! LOOMIS We was doing very well last night! Maybe someone around here gave him lessons. |
Quoted from DS Now at the interview with the Winterbottoms and I'll be stopping here. To be honest -- This reads like a spoof of cheesy horror movies along with the interview scenes looking like a spoof of "Finding Bigfoot"-esque documentaries. I just don't know whether this is meant to be serious horror or not. |
Quoted from DS The dialogue is poor, scenes feel rushed, exited too early. |
Quoted from DS The shadow of the Chupacabra pops up when they first interview Jim's wife while there's conflict whether Jim was killed by the Chupacabra or whether they were imagining things. You give no time for that conflict and I think you should. |
Quoted from DS The Chupacabra conviniently comes to them, they don't even have to look for it. But it misses them, twice - by page 12. It magically disappears when they stop the car, when they're at the store it strikes exactly when they leave. How much of a suspension of disbelief is that? |
Quoted Text ABNER As I ran to the door to quarantine him, he took off! Like a cheetah! Fastest damn thing I’ve ever seen! |
Quoted from DS I think you could strengthen your protagonists. There's the stereotypical black guy who sounds... stereotypically black, the divorced protagonist with the caricature bitch ex-wife and the son who hates her and the "sensible of the group yet scared" woman. Nothing original, really. I very much disliked the family drama here. The only character I found remotely interesting was Jerry, he seemed to have an interesting agenda, but he didn't really get a lot of screentime and I wasn't a fan of his few-second scenes. I think the scene shouldn't have cut instantly on page 5 when he was at the Jones' house, instead we should have seen a bit more on what his involvement was. I don't see the use of a "who is that guy?" character while there's no benefit to it, the viewer can't see that he's Jerry. You go on to reveal that he is Jerry later anyway. |
Quoted from DS I recommend fleshing out your scenes more, |
Quoted from DS you could also very well deliver exposition through Tom's footage - use the camera angle to the fullest potential. This might come later on in the script, but perhaps you could start Tom talking to the tape explaining why they're hunting for the Chupacabra. Gives them a straight reasoning for their goal from the get-go. |
Quoted from DS Sorry to say, but this seemed really bad to me. But hey, maybe you'll get some more positive feedback out of someone else. Hope this helped and if you have any questions towards my review, let me know. |
Quoted Text Because it's not. A serious horror movie can have a few funny parts. |
Quoted Text You did read the entire Winterbottom interview, right? |
Quoted Text This was actually what I thought when I first heard about El Chupacabra. Seriously, doesn't that sound like a Mexican wrestler to you? |
Quoted Text This was a big help. |
Quoted Text This thread has been quiet lately, but I just wanted to let everyone know that my latest (eighth) draft has been up since January and no one's reviewed it yet. |