The First Date by Christopher Lawrence (YaBoyTopher) - Short, Comedy - Pete gets more then he bargained for on his first date. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks for posting this so fast Don!

Real quick just a bit of background on the purpose of this short. As a writer I have had a hard time with two things, writing shorts and writing comedies, so this story was an exercise in both of those things. I also wanted to write something that takes place in one or two easy to attain locations because I plan to film this myself later this year.

I really would appreciate any and all feedback on this, Since I am planning to film it I want the best script I can so before I re-write it I want as many opinions as I can get.

I would be very happy to return the favor and review anything you have for me to read just let me know.

Thanks.

Some may say it was predictable, but -- good punchline.  I got a chuckle out of it.

Hey Christopher,

I think you should expand this a bit more. Make us see how they're date goes with the father and brothers involved.

The only time I chuckled was when Ryu was called in. Only because it reminded me of Street Fighter Ryu. I was wondering if you were going to bring in more Street Fighter characters lol.

And let them go on another date man. lol.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Caleb,  I am aware it is a cliche premise and not really anything too new, That's something I battled with while writing this. I am glad you liked the punchline.

Gabe, I appreciate your thoughts, building on the premise could have some potential  perhaps having the date take place right in the home and explore the characters of the father and brothers more. I am glad I got a chuckle out of you with the Ryu character, I did name him after the street fighter character, I never even considered making all of the brothers street fighter characters, That would be a humorous idea to explore.

Thank you both for the read and your opinions.

It is extremely overwritten, which slows down the read. Screenplays should be written actively:

Code EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT PETE (20) is a good looking guy, dressed sharply in a suit and carrying a small bouquet of flowers. He walks towards the front door. Nervously he straightens his tie. He gets closer and closer to the door, leaving his car behind him. He gets to the front door and pauses taking a deep breath. He rings the bell A moment passes and the door swings open to reveal OSCAR (50) He is short portly man with a big smile, Wearing a dark green sweater vest and khakis.

EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT

PETE (20), good looking, sharp suit, gets out of his car carrying a small bouquet of
flowers and walks to the front door. Nervously he straightens his tie.

He rings the bell

A moment passes and the door swings open to reveal OSCAR
(50), a short, portly man wearing a big smile, dark green sweater, vest and khakis.


See what I did there? I may come back and read the rest of your story later. I just felt that I should show you how to write more actively and cut down the amount of words you are using.

Quoted from DustinBowcot It is extremely overwritten, which slows down the read. Screenplays should be written actively: Code EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT PETE (20) is a good looking guy, dressed sharply in a suit and carrying a small bouquet of flowers. He walks towards the front door. Nervously he straightens his tie. He gets closer and closer to the door, leaving his car behind him. He gets to the front door and pauses taking a deep breath. He rings the bell A moment passes and the door swings open to reveal OSCAR (50) He is short portly man with a big smile, Wearing a dark green sweater vest and khakis. EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT PETE (20), good looking, sharp suit, gets out of his car carrying a small bouquet of flowers and walks to the front door. Nervously he straightens his tie. He rings the bell A moment passes and the door swings open to reveal OSCAR (50), a short, portly man wearing a big smile, dark green sweater, vest and khakis. See what I did there? I may come back and read the rest of your story later. I just felt that I should show you how to write more actively and cut down the amount of words you are using.

That is a very good suggestion. I do tend to get too wordy in my descriptions on occasion and that is something I am working on. Your example you shared is a great way to tighten that scene up. Thanks for the pointer and I will try to implement that more as I move forward. I look forward to hearing the rest of your thoughts on the piece if you are able to get around to it.

Hi there - returning the read ;-)

Agree with Dustin in terms of writing, but I think we all start in the same place, i.e. write it too much like a short story. Dustin gave me same advice and my shorts are much better now.

In terms of the story, well I quite liked it, the intro of the brothers is a good visual gag... but I think the punchline is too quick/short... I also wonder if it would be funnier if he was the vegetarian and she back out of the date?

Also... no place for a drunk and flirtacious other?

Thanks

Anthony

Quoted from AnthonyCawood In terms of the story, well I quite liked it, the intro of the brothers is a good visual gag... but I think the punchline is too quick/short... I also wonder if it would be funnier if he was the vegetarian and she back out of the date?

I am glad you enjoyed the story. I agree the story ends abruptly but I think the abruptness of it adds a little extra humor to the punchline, just my opinion.

I did orginally consider having her break up with him but decided to have him break up with her because I thought it was funnier to have him put up with her insane family and possible std but couldnt deal with something relatively minor like her being a vegetarian.

Thanks for the read Anthony and I will definitely keep your input in mind when I re-write this.

Christopher

Ha, I did enjoy the name “Ryu” and how Oscar just screams it out.

“Pete is staring blankly”

- I thought “fearfully” would be more apt than “blankly”. The point of this is to basically say to Pete “don’t fu?k my daughter about” and to be fair it’s pretty intimidating with Ryu throwing shapes like that. Yet all Pete responds with is a “blank” look?

I liked the steroids making Thaddeus angry line and the “lil ems” moniker he gives his sister.

Good lines too about Tito being in prison, the casual mention of his attempted murder charge and the “It’s the thought that counts” retort. Made me chuckle.

OSCAR
She has Gonorrhea!

- Ha!

As you can see, I got a few laughs out of this. It’s not exactly new territory, we’ve seen this scenario many times before of the over protective father trying to freak out his daughter’s would-be suitor. Hell, even Michael Bay done it in one of those Bad Boys atrocities. I just remember Will Smith weirding out some guy at the door, could actually be a different film.

Anyway, I like the absurd, exaggerated approach you take here, you go balls out, really amp up the ridiculousness and it’s funny. However, I thought the ending was a bit flat.

In your defense, it’s good to see someone fall on the meat eaters side for once, just to be contrary as vegetarians seem to be becoming increasingly righteous and holier than thou these days, the time we live in and all that so I do appreciate the currently not-so-popular opinion but it didn’t make me laugh, it just felt weak to me.

Still, overall, it’s a decent effort, some potential here.

Plus, screw that tofu chewing bit?h, Pete doesn't need her in his life!;)

Regards

Col.

Thanks for the read Col, I am glad you liked each of the brothers. Good point about the look on Pete's face, Blankly is probably not the best description to use.

I am sorry the ending fell flat for you, Thats kind of the big punchline so I was hoping to get better reactions from it, I will try to look for ways to re-write it to have more impact.

I am happy to see you appreciate the carnivores lol, That is actually partly how this story sprung about, I was discussing with my wife how if she was a vegetarian I wouldn't have married her because that would force me to change my lifestyle too much. I was partly joking lol.

Thanks again for the read and the input.

Hey Chris,

I'm new to writing and this is my first review. Although, I'm no stranger to comedy, and I've studied it a lot!

I think you need more surprise. That's the bloodline of comedy. For example.

You set up 3 hard nosed bada$$ looking brothers. How much better would it have been if the 3rd one was totally opposite of the first 2? And the 3rd one is supposed to be the most bada$$ one of all.  Like he's only 4'5"  ft tall etc...

Then- tag it real quick with- their mother walks out. "What I tell you about playing with that switch blade In the house"! "It's time for bed!" Then you see these bada$$es acting childish like. That's 2 back to back surprises.


I liked the burst out Gonorrhea part, but maybe a little more set-up. Have him make weird mild comments  through the script. When he answers the door- "she's in the shower. She usually doesn't take them, so I'm not sure how long it'll be." Have them progressively get worse, so he makes a last ditch effort and burst out Gonorrhea at the end.

You've created many opportunities for more funny parts, you're just missing them. By no means I think what I added is super funny, it's just to give you the idea of "set expectations, then surprise me".

Overall I think it's funny, but I think you could really add to it and make it REALLY FUNNY! The opportunity's there.

I typed this on my iPad mini in the dark, so, sorry if it's sloppy.

I hope this helps considering it's my first time giving feedback.

Thanks for the review Philly. I definitely appreciate your viewpoint.

I like the way the brothers are currently but I really like your suggestion of including the mother, that could add another opportunity for some comedic moments, I also like the suggestion of the father making another comment about the daughter like the shower comment you mentioned. I will keep these thoughts in mind as I rewrite.

Thanks again for reading, I am glad you found it funny. I will read your script later today.

Returning the favor. :)

This is very weird but at the end I see what you are going for. I would honestly lose all the brothers and focus on the father. It's utterly ridiculous to have Ryu, Thaddus, and Tito come out one by one. I can't imagine how this would look on film besides groan inducing. And it's the same gag done over and over. But the Gonorrhea comment was funny and I think that's what you should build around. This would be funnier if it was more believable. We've all dealt with the anxiety of meeting the father for a first date, so there is plenty of space to mine comedy gold here. Have Oscar answer the door cleaning his guns, bring up religion, drugs, sex, all that stuff. What's funny is the extremes the dad will go to, to degenerate his own daughter and scare the boy away. Slowly build and build until he bursts out that she has Gonorrhea as a last resort. Craft your set up.

And I would suggest changing the end to where they are already at the steakhouse and ordering. Pete orders a big juicy steak and Emma goes with a side salad. "Why?" Pete asks? "Oh, I thought my dad told you, I'm a vegetarian." CUT TO the horror on Pete's face. FADE OUT.

Thanks for the read and the suggestions Cameron.

I wanted this to be ridiculous and over the top to set up for the subdued punchline at the end. So I like the scenes with the brothers, I feel each one adds to the absurdity. "groan worthy" is not a description of these scenes I wanna hear, sorry these scenes didnt work for you.

I like your suggestion of adding more strange dialog for the dad to try to deter Pete. This could add some more opportunities for laughs.

Your alternate ending idea was clever I like it. Despite a few complaints of my ending being a little flat, I really like my current ending and if filmed correctly I think it will be really funny.

I wrote this for two reasons,  I wanted to write something comedic because I tend to mostly write drama and 2nd I wanted to write somethong really easy to film as I plan to direct this the end of the year. I feel I acomplished those two things, even though admittedly this brand of humor isnt for everyone.

Anyways thanks for taking the time to check this out.

Hi Christopher,

This made me laugh at the end, I was kind of hoping he would just leave at the sidewalk after she said she was a vegetarian. As obvious as it may be it was still funny.

It's a little repetitive and over written in areas but nothing that you can't fix.

When Pete first entered the house and met the first son I thought it was going to turn into the dr pepper advert with pete fighting and the daughter coming down stairs, the set up was very similar.

Either way this had comedy value so well done.

Lee

Hey, Christopher.

It's a funny premise for a short sketch. I am familiar with the premise but you gave it a new setting. As a sketch it works. As a short - it needs more, a little about Pete as he's just hanging there.
But I don't think you need to transform it into a full-blown short, it's good for a quick chuckle at the end and I think you better leave it at that.
Just fix the writing - you can't cap words after a coma - I noticed that in two places, on p7 for example "A few awkward moments..."
This part here:
EMMA
Where are we going for our date?
PETE
Were gonna go to the new steakhouse that just opened up

Sounds very stilted.
Overall you could retool some of the dialog, to make it flow better in my opinion.

Hi Christopher

As has already been mentioned the writing needs trimming and the dialogue tweaking. You are planning on making this yourself so you'll see how the words on the paper translate to the screen and learn a lot from this I'm sure.

It does work as a sketch and there's comedy there for sure but there's a big difference between a sketch with a punchline and a short trying to tell a story. Also, there's a whole bunch of very talented guys on the internet making hilarious sketches; that's your competition. Check out guys like http://www.collegehumour.com and compare what you are writing and decide if you need to up the comedy a notch or two.  

Best of luck with this,

Mark