Catch You Later by Manolis Froudarakis (Athenian) - Short, Comedy - The husband tries to exterminate a roach with a men's magazine. The wife discovers the assault weapon. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

I don't get it.   Did I miss something?   Obviously.

Fomat is tight though.

Thanks for the read, Caleb!

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"La cucaracha" was on the wife's butt. ;)

Manolis

You don’t need the full slugline after the first scene since we are staying in the one room throughout. A simple MOMENTS LATER sub heading will do as it’s the reader’s tendency to read the slugline if it’s fully written out like that and presume it’s a different location, which in this case it isn’t. If it’s just MOMENTS LATER we know that it’s a continuation in the same place, even of the same shot, this helps the flow of the read.

I thought the Wife was going to jump to conclusions in regards the racy magazine cover and the Husband entering with frozen peas held against his wrist as if he’s sprained it while jerking off to it.

To be honest, I’m not really sure what way you went with it. The Wife obviously thinks their marriage needs some spicing up, she take inspiration from the magazine, does her routine to which the Husband shows anything but interest (which oddly enough doesn’t seem to bother the Wife. Is she used to this?) then something “dawns” on him, though I’m unclear as to what. Moments later he grabs her butt, kisses his clenched fist, walks away and starts humming the tune.

Is this a tribute to masturbation over sex or am I way off?

I would like to hear your intentions.

Col.

Hi Col,

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment! Since it is clear that I completely messed up with this one, let me give a detailed explanation:

- The husband tries to kill the cockroach with the men's magazine. He misses it and ends up injured.

- The wife discovers the magazine, sees the hot girl on the cover and gets jealous.

- She wants to prove to the hubby and herself that she can be as seductive as that girl. So she imitates her sexy posture and then starts a silly strip-tease.

- And totally fails: the husband remains indifferent and annoyed, until…

- He notices the cockroach on the wife's butt. NOW he is interested.

- He approaches her and grabs the cockroach off her butt. She misinterprets this as a sexual act.

- At the end, the husband walks away humming victoriously "La cucaracha", his prey in his fist. The wife is left wondering what happened.

Actually, this is an adaptation of a sketch I have written in Greek. But the Greek husband is humming a popular tune ("Teresa, the little cockroach") from an old roach-spray commercial, so everybody gets the joke immediately:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8KomvV1AgI

If there is a more suitable tune than "La cucaracha" for the English version, I'd be glad to use it. But the main problem here, of course, is the confusing ending.

Thanks again for your time! Your advice on sluglines is very useful as well.

Manolis

Manolis

Ha, of I was obviously way off with the masturbation thing, shows where my mind was really at.

I think a lot of the confusion would be eliminated if you showed us the cockroach on the wife's butt in the final scene.

Also. his moment of spotting the cockroach on her butt in the second last scene:

"Finally, a naughty smile dawns on his face."

Could be rewritten in a more appropriate way, less misleading way:

"Suddenly, something catches his attention, a smile forms"

or something to that effect.

To be fair, it does make much more sense now that you've explained it, maybe I'm just slow on the pick-up.

Regards

Col.

Thanks for the suggestions, Col! What about the song, do you think "La cucaracha" is suitable?

I think, most of the problems here stem from the fact that it is a sketch without words. Without dialogue, it is difficult to make everything clear. Anyway, I'll give it another shot, because I do like the idea.

Thanks again!

Manolis

I didn't get it either, and like Col, assumed he had gone to masturbate rather than have sex with her. I just didn't get it... and I now find out it's because you failed to place the image in my mind of the actual removal of the cockroach.

So he cares more about his victory with the cockroach than having sex with his wife. Yet he is still interested in sex, because he likes looking at semi-clad women.

I don't feel this issue is correctly resolved.

Yiasou file, ti kanis ?

Haven't been on SS for a while though noticed this screenplay and thought I would give it a crack.

I have to admit the comments above do give some great advice as well as confirming my own thoughts.

I feel the action lines should be clearer so that there is no confusion with regards to what's happening in the story. Have to admit, I was also confused.

Drop all the repeated slugs and just put:-

LATER

Also give the husband and wife names as it makes it more personal and gives them more substance. You don't need to specify husband or wife, people will get the idea.

Lines like:-
The sloppy, chubby HUSBAND (45) stands tall on the couch like a fierce warrior.
Just doesn't do it for me... "The sloppy".... should be "A Sloppy" though I also wouldn't even use the word sloppy. Show visuals to reflect this.
"Stands tall on the couch like a fierce warrior" ???? is he standing on the couch or sitting up straight. this could be ambiguous ???
I would do something like:-
"A chubby STAVROS (45) stands proud with both feet planted firmly into the couch and only half his shirt tucked into his jeans.

I feel you have got the formatting right though your writing does need some work and this should then make the visuals clearer so there would be less confusion.
Go through the entire screenplay and work on the action lines to achieve this.

I would also like to see some dialogue, even if it is only a line or two. Some husbands and wives do speak every now and then. HaHaHa.

I'm not sure if this is your first attempt at a screenplay, though if it is, well done. It can only improve from here.

Keep working at it and...

prospathise na to fyaxis...

Regards Alex

- Hi Dustin, thanks for the comment! Well, when masturbation was mentioned as a possible explanation, I suspected that my conveying of the idea might not have been entirely successful. ;) I'll try to fix things in the rewrite. As for the husband, he is an Al Bundy ("Married with children") type of guy: he's long lost interest in his wife, but he wouldn't say "no" to the playmate of the month.

- Yasou, Alex! Kala ime, file, esi? It is good to see another Greek in the forum (even if he lives in Australia).

This is my fourth attempt at an English script, but I don't have much experience in Greek either. For the time being, I'm more like an amateur sketch-writer.

Anyway, thank you for the read and the advice. I actually thought my opening line ("The sloppy, chubby husband etc.") was good, but now I find out that it is hardly clear. As for the absence of dialogue, I do think the sketch works better this way. But I'll give the characters names and I'll fix the slugs.

Again, thank you for the help!