Regret by Mike Scarr - Horror, Psychological Thriller - When a complacent, small time dealer learns of his brothers murder, he begins on a nightmarish pursuit for those responsible where he will come face to face with his troubled past and diminishing sanity.  96 pages - pdf, format 8)

Mike,

I can't decide if I'm interested in your story from the logline. Can you tell me more about what it's about?

Tony

Normally I wouldn't bother responding, but Tony has a point. The logline is terrible, so doesn't bode well for the writing inside.

I had a little scan.

Unless you're a pro steer clear of huge and varied fonts and duplicate fancy opening pages.

Also, steer clear of CUT TO'S, and wrylies, which are unfortunately in the wrong place.

Most notably there is a glaring omission of punctuation in general. Practically every line of dialogue is devoid of full-stops not to mention apostrophes, commas etc. There's a couple of periods in an opening description and then a few more in descriptions and then that's it. Why? I think someone must have given you a bum-steer.

Nothing much happening until about page 11 where there's an underground fight club, and too much time wasted on 'how are you's'.

Don't dilly-dally around. Your opening needs to grab your audience.

Chris enters the drivers side with Sean taking shotgun.

I'd be fine if I never heard the 'shotgun' phrase re position in a car ever again but if you must use it, it'd be 'riding shotgun'.

Your dialogue comes across quite well in some places so I don't want to dissuade you, just get to the meat of your story faster and use punctuation then you'll be off to a good start.

Quoted from LC I had a little scan. Unless you're a pro steer clear of huge and varied fonts and duplicate fancy opening pages. Also, steer clear of CUT TO'S, and wrylies, which are unfortunately in the wrong place. Most notably there is a glaring omission of punctuation in general. Practically every line of dialogue is devoid of full-stops not to mention apostrophes, commas etc. There's a couple of periods in an opening description and then a few more in descriptions and then that's it. Why? I think someone must have given you a bum-steer. Nothing much happening until about page 11 where there's an underground fight club, and too much time wasted on 'how are you's'. Don't dilly-dally around. Your opening needs to grab your audience. Chris enters the drivers side with Sean taking shotgun. I'd be fine if I never heard the 'shotgun' phrase re position in a car ever again but if you must use it, it'd be 'riding shotgun'. Your dialogue comes across quite well in some places so I don't want to dissuade you, just get to the meat of your story faster and use punctuation then you'll be off to a good start.

you're right there is an omission of punctuation, almost all being a lack of periods.  I wasn't overly concerned with placing periods, but instead focused on grammar. Will definitely go through it. Earlier, before the line "taking shotgun", I did in fact use " riding shotgun" sorry to hear about your agitation with that phrase.
The log line was not the original and I took a gamble on something different. I can see I may have made a mistake.

original logline: When a complacent, small time dealer learns of his brother's murder, he must confront his past and his sanity as he begins a nightmarish pursuit for those responsible

I agree with you that the start is a little slow, but that was by design. I don't want to use the term potboiler but the tension does increase steadily throughout. This is something I probably will not change. Same with the how are you's. These are meant to reveal a major character flaw

the fancy double title page was an accident and I have to say I'm a little embarrassed. will be changing asap

as for the cut to's. there is a lot of revisiting old scenes and I wanted to be certain the reader knew where they were visually. I can see where you are coming from though, and I'm sure I went overboard. As to their placement, that is how final draft formats. I have read screenplays with it done both ways

hopefully this inspires you to try another read and see it to the end. would love to hear some more criticism.

Quoted from LC Unless you're a pro steer clear of huge and varied fonts and duplicate fancy opening pages. Also, steer clear of CUT TO'S, and wrylies, which are unfortunately in the wrong place. Most notably there is a glaring omission of punctuation in general. Practically every line of dialogue is devoid of full-stops not to mention apostrophes, commas etc. There's a couple of periods in an opening description and then a few more in descriptions and then that's it. Why? I think someone must have given you a bum-steer.

These are red flags.  It's bad form.  With a screenplay, it's all about appearance.  How many times have I opened up something to see a bucket load of errors on the first page, the 2nd page, the 3rd page, and the rest of the pages when I start skimming?  I can't even count.  And most of the time, a feature that's riddled with formatting errors and grammar/punctuation mistakes, is also going to be a feature that's lugging around a not-so-good story.

The logline is bad enough - I would probably just skip the script altogether - but I decided to give it a chance...

Quoted from LC Nothing much happening until about page 11 where there's an underground fight club, and too much time wasted on 'how are you's'.

Disagree.  Nothing happens until page 25 - where we meet the uncle who gives us a variation of "There's something you need to know" - but the next 15 pages doesn't bring anything new to the table.  My main problem with this was the appearance and the story.  It's so cliché to say this, but I've seen it before.  I'm 40 pages into this and there's nothing that stands out.  We're constantly spoon fed exposition, characters are given generic names (even the major ones), there's hardly any real conflict and everything seems so easy.  For example, Chris goes to ask his boss if he can take an undisclosed amount of time off from work and the boss grants his wish without a care in the world.  Why not have the boss at least get uppedy about it?  Inject a scene with some kind of conflict so it has some punch.  Raise the stakes.  Maybe if Chris takes the time off, his boss threatens to fire him.  But instead everything goes conveniently.  You never want things to go conveniently for any of your characters.  When that happens, things get really boring really fast.

Quoted from LC Don't dilly-dally around. Your opening needs to grab your audience.

You'll get a lot of advice when it comes to screenwriting, but this is one that you should really always remember to follow, especially when it comes to that first act.  Don't dick around.  Seriously.  Don't waste time trying to hammer something into your reader's head.  Use one strong scene that shows our protag's diner job sucks, and leave it at that.  Inject conflict and drama into every scene.  Raise the stakes as much as possible, even in little scenes that don't seem to matter.  Make them matter.  Entertain.  You can set things up, but it doesn't have to be boring.  It seems lately like I've been running into a lot of features like this, where everything is slow and nothing is happening and everything takes forever.

Sorry, Mike, if this whole post came off as harsh.  I read 40 pages of your script and it didn't work for me at all.  I did gain from the read, though, despite not liking it... so I'm glad I gave it a look.  It really reinforced some things for me.

no worries. I didn't take it as harsh. I appreciate any and all feedback.

Hey, Mike, hope you continue on the site. Try reading others scripts produced or unproduced, IMO, it helps with writing.

You’re idea seems worth giving this a look, however, I’d have to agree in the presentation of your premise… I don’t think it’s terrible. You give us some sense of the main character, his goal/opponents and some sense of outcome/mystery. It just reads as first or second draft of a log line, just keep at it. It’s the first thing people judge you on besides a title.

BLB

Hey, Mike

So, I’m twenty pages in, and I just wanted to give some initial feedback on what I see here. First, quick question what pro scripts have you read that you’ve enjoyed? Second, is this a shooting script? Now, I understand the need to want to direct the readers, however, it shouldn’t be intrusive. With that in mind remember to show as much as possible and not just tell in the narrative. Some might say the dialogue read too real, though I didn’t have a problem with it.

I do expect certain things to have happened within a certain amount of time, such as meeting protagonist, antagonist, allies, a desire/objective, an issue amongst a few others. Of course, I can’t truly, give an impression of such things without reading entire story. Even though, I find (others may not) the direction intrusive and makes reading more difficult, I’m still going to finish and see where everything is headed. But if you’re MIA, I won’t bother.

BLB