Canker by J.Anthony Cangialosi - Sci Fi, Fantasy - In a post-apocalyptic future, the story of  “Canker” follows a bounty hunter hired to track down an orphaned girl and deliver her to an eccentric spiritual community called The Clergy. However, once she’s discovered to be part of a debunked soldier program, the hunter is forced to act against the girl’s original warden who would seek to use her as a weapon against the pious order.  111 pages - pdf, format 8)

Your log line killed the interest to read your script. It's too over plotted make it more simple.

You are a good writer I can tell from the first few pages alone. But there are some issues in your first few pages that will turn people off from your screenplay.

1. No need for the scratchy cool font on your title page. Looks amateurish. And a cool looking title isn't going to create any extra interest in reading your script.

2. Gerold/Doc Brown/G Scientist. He has an artichoke heart of science? He is our "good" scientist? Don't tell us what he is or isn't. Show us through action and dialogue. Why not just call him Gerold? It's shorter than G Scientist and gives him an identity. How old is he? Or am I just supposed to picture Emmit Brown here since you can't make up a character of your own?

3. Don't mention the sound designer in your script. Would you mention the camera man or fx team as well?

4. "The suit case is large enough to fit a dog in or a small child. (A not too subtle hint)" Don't give hints away in your script like this. It totally takes the reader out of the read. Your script should be strong enough that we don't need hints like this.

5. You begin to describe the rider on the motorcycle and literally stop to say more to come later. Well I will never know because you lost me right here.

Like I said you write well, I even like your intro a little bit. A little bit of Mad Max with some Battle Angel thrown in perhaps? Ok. I'm interested. But all these little winks and nods come from only the first three pages. Read some more scripts and become more familiar with how scripts are written and how they read. You have a way with words but there are too many no no's here that will turn people away.

And the logline is a mess. One sentence max. Tease your story but don't give it all away.  

Thanks for the notes friends! And copy that on the logline. Sometimes I let words get the better of me, and not always for the best. I’ll work on submitting something new.

The winks and such I realize aren’t necessary – but so damn fun to write. Of course, if I planned to try and sell this on spec I’d absolutely pop ‘em out of the story and clean it up. As far the inability to make up characters on my own – you’d win the artichoke heart on that one. I steal. That’s probably why I’m a writer. Also, from my experience with working in the film and television industry, is that the actors tend to do whatever the hell they want to with their characters anyway, no matter what direction you give them. Best keep it simple for them and let them go “play” movies. But yep, I agree with you. Bummer I couldn’t get you to stick around to the pulse-pounding ending and pregnant priests…