Take Care - Part One "Sosea" by R. McManus - Series - In Hedonista only one man takes care of business. 48 pages - pdf, format 8)

I like it. Mostly the dogs and pigeon. Dialogue might need a bit of work. :)

Jimi,

Thanks for the read, and thanks to Don and co for posting.

Long time members might remember this from a few years ago.

It's a Sin City, comic book highly stylised future action script based around a a taciturn hitman and his faithful companion.

I should warn some readers who don't like swearing and violence not to read it. As it's full of it.

Back in the day it was a little sillier and far fetched. There was a touch too much silliness. I've toned that down so I've hopefully improved it.

Hope folks enjoy it.

Now Jimi. Dialogue needs work? Care to be a little more specific? I'd be grateful if you would.

R

Old poster here.

Ren,

Apologies for any recent confusion. Short, Vague comments above. Suppose was channeling Karl a bit there.  

Makes much more sense going in with the comic/hyper violent reality angle. Though Figured that's what you were going for. I do actually like the dialogue and/or rather it made much more sense with a second look. I was first a bit confused with er... erm stuff. But I think I get it now.

And the rhythm and cadence of the detectives, when we first meet them, is written well. A bit of the 50's noir thing? Did remind me of Sin City. That scene was a bit confusing on the first read. The banter back and forth was good but was checking who was speaking and was confusing the two. I think that was mostly me at the time. Second read, Bowman Stood out more. I found a better sense of him.

I'm a bit torn with my next comments as I try to keep most my opinions of how I would like to see something to my self. Try to really get what someone is trying to do. With that said, I feel I get what you're going for. Feel like this is obvious style over substance? Which is cool. I love Sin City, Kill Bill, various exploitation films...etc.

But I think it may help to inject a little more substance. Or even information, rather. I was a little confused with the story. Who is Calter? The one scene with him felt a bit plugged in. Wanted some sense of who he was. Why Karl works for him. Same with Mcmenace. Who is he? He owns a Hotel. A nasty crime boss? Are Calter and Mcmenace opposing crime bosses?

I must say Mcmenace's dialogue is pretty hilarious.

And It was a bit hard to root for Karl with so much mystery. Especially with Janine. Wanted to know who she was. And their relationship.

I am Intrigued by Karl and his pooch. I love that. I have a smaller/similar thing going on at the end of my script. Love to see a Man and his pup taking care of Business.

I enjoyed the writing in opening scene. Punchy and visual. I think you did a good job of setting the tone, visual aspects and what to expect as we go along.

Just some thoughts, opinions, questions. Have the feeling maybe this episode is much of the icing and we'll slowly get some of the cake/answers as it goes along?

No question, a stylized director would have a field day with this.

Nice job. I'm intrigued and want see where you take this.

Jimi,

Brave man who channels Karl. 50s noir is a good shout, I was watching L.A. Confidential the other day. I seem to remember having some of those guys in mind when I was knocking up Bowman and Speal. I think it used to be Singerson, but I got sicka typing that.

Quoted from JimiLamp I'm a bit torn with my next comments as I try to keep most my opinions of how I would like to see something to my self. Try to really get what someone is trying to do. With that said, I feel I get what you're going for. Feel like this is obvious style over substance? Which is cool. I love Sin City, Kill Bill, various exploitation films...etc.

Keeping your opinions to yourself? Now that would be a first time round these parts. I get what you mean.

Indeed style over substance. Erm, that didn't come out quite as well as it could have. All those type of films you mention are the type of style I'm aiming for. Some it evidently goes that little too far. Which is what I'm trying for.

It needs work, why is one of the main reasons why it's here. But I thought it was an interesting start. I'm working on parts two and three now. So with luck it will go the way I want it.

Many thanks JL,

Always a pleasure to hear from you.

R

Hey R, just read this. Going to give you my thoughts:

Logline: Sounds more like a tagline. Too vague.

Poster: Looks too much like a slasher poster. I reckon it could use a lot less blood and a more futuristic look.

P4: When would the fat man get a chance to glee when there's a huge rottweiler barking in his face, that clearly terrified him just one line ago?  

P8: "I was at gallery opening yesterday.
There was a painting just like
that." At a?

"Very Modern art" sounds a little off to me. Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't sound good when said out loud. "Very modern" "Sounds like modern art" or "Modern art, huh?" would fit better.

P9: I don't like the aside. Maybe just have him smile viciously while lighting the cigar.

P10: This flashback is a massive gripe for me. I don't think there's anything wrong with the topic or Boman and Spiel discussing it. It tells us a lot about their characters and fits the gritty mood you're trying to set with the script very well. But the flashback, it's just superfluous. It doesn't tell anything more than Boman & Spiel do. And apart from that, flashbacks in my opinion should be relevant to the story. If it told a backstory of one the characters or the story, even a case that they're on which has some magnitude or will be referenced again, but here it's just used for some throwaway lines lasting two pages. Unneccessary and misusage of flashbacks in my opinion.

P12: "What happened the dog?" To the?

P23: Karl pulls out his Toledo gun - lifts it to near his mask.
KARL
Killing time.

Sounds like an aside from a bad action flick in order to sound bad-ass. The timing for this just seems wrong too. If I saw this on the screen it would make me cringe.

P25:
JEPP
Fu foo fu fuck you b bi big boy!

This guy's dog has just done a number on my throat. Time for a rebuttal, what would be better fitting than "big boy?"  ;D

I don't think it fits here.


P27: Alright, Jepp's young, but surely he's not that naive. He should know he's good as dead. I think you could really well add depth to Jepp here and also to make McMenace more intimidating. Go for "He'll skin my family" instead.

P32: I don't like the aside. Maybe he could walk over to Janine and go "Your fucking boyfriend is going to make me move soon." Despite her being unconcious, it would still sound just a bit more natural.

P34: Once again, the aside. He could just draw a crucifix in the air, same effect.


I really liked the superimpose you used to start the script. Sometime soon.. is a great description for the future with just the necessary amount of irony. That is if I understood correctly that this is happening in a fair amount of years and it isn't literal.

The script is gritty with some dark comedy in there and LOTS of action. I reckon it wouldn't quite be my thing on the screen, but it was a good interesting read. Definitely something different.

Karl is an interesting character. Contrary to JimiLamp I think him being an enigma in the pilot is what makes him interesting and that it would lose a fair amount of charm if you dwelved straight into his backstory. It gives the reader/viewer an interesting aspect, whether to root for him or not without knowing why he is who he is. I like his dialogue, the character is very reminiscent of John Reese from Person Of Interest.. without the moral compass.

I liked all the detectives in the story. Great twist with Bowman and Speal in the end.

Janine to me, seemed like a Femme Fatale who manipulated Karl to work for Calter. "You're beautiful." "My Man." "Calter will be pleased." If that's not the point the scene with him and Janine needs to show the relationship between them more in my opinion, make us care of her death.

I also really liked Pollock. You got me to care about the character and his outcome with very little time.

McMenace was too comical for me. Even his name is too comical, especially considering the rest of the script was pretty dark. The dark comedy banter between all of the detectives didn't take away from it. That fit in great but McMenace... I feel like you need to tone McMenace town, currently he needs one of those clown masks on that those 4 killers had.

Calter once again, good job. Came up as a confident enigma calling the shots. I'm intrigued about what side he's on.


Something I felt missing in this script was the lack of new technology. We're far ahead in the future (I think). There should be more than just Karl's gun. This is something I'd want to see incorporated into future episodes. You have a good action-packed beginning, I think in episode 2 you'll have to get to establishing the world to show there's more to this than just action.

Overall I enjoyed this. Good luck with the rest! You set up a good cliffhanger in the end. I like the tone you painted the world in in this script. I'm a bit worried that eventually readers/viewers could run out of characters to root for here, should prove to be an interesting writing challenge to make sure that won't happen.

- DS

Hello DS741. Saying that makes me feel like an extra in Spike Jonze's Her. Welcome to the future.

Thank you for the read and the comments. Enough ado...

Quoted from DS741 Logline: Sounds more like a tagline. Too vague.

I like to keep the logs short. It no doubt does sound like a tagline. Kinda the idea. I don't really like loglines. They always sound more what a producer or PR type would say than a writer.

I was sort of hoping for more 'intriguing' rather than vague. Still, seems it was enough for you to read the script. Thought it was quite a good line. Not good enough to worry Martin Amis. But I doubt I could manage it sans a weapon and close proximity.

Quoted from DS741 Poster: Looks too much like a slasher poster. I reckon it could use a lot less blood and a more futuristic look.

Sounds unfortunately closer to the truth than I'd prefer. Computer graphics aren't really my strongpoint. I do prefer words. No doubt a huge relief to the art world everywhere.

I did the thing a few years ago when I first wrote this and thought it better than nothing when I was resurrecting it. But not by a lot. It does need work. Maybe I should think again.

Quoted from DS741 P4: When would the fat man get a chance to glee when there's a huge rottweiler barking in his face, that clearly terrified him just one line ago?

He does cover it. And he's just spotted the old man waking. His hopes lie with him. Alas...

Quoted from DS741 P8: "I was at gallery opening yesterday. There was a painting just like that." At a? "Very Modern art" sounds a little off to me. Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't sound good when said out loud. "Very modern" "Sounds like modern art" or "Modern art, huh?" would fit better.

Yes. Well spotted. Haven't checked but I do seem to have an imaginary letter a in there before 'gallery'. Must have missed that one a number of times. Sounds alright if you say it in a Yorkshire accent. Tha' knows. The only people outside of Shakespeare that still use 'thee' and 'thou' in everyday language, bless. I'll put a real 'a' in shortly.

Regarding Very Modern Art - she's just got another way of saying 'extreme modern art' but that doesn't sound as good to my ear. Mind you, I'm a bit deaf in one of them. I'll try the other and see how I go with it.

Quoted from DS741 P9: I don't like the aside. Maybe just have him smile viciously while lighting the cigar.

I take you mean the 'no more cigars' line. Well, there's two things here. Without it, it's a much vaguer scene. Visually you're not going to know this is Calter for certain. I like 'vague'. I hate hitting people over the head with the plot like they do so fecking much in reality tv shows now. There's people with dementia and the condition Guy Pearce's Len had in Memento rolling their eyes and saying 'Get on with it!' while the host recaps once more.

Obviously reading it you're told it's Calter. But I was thinking how it plays out on a screen. Having the final line ties it up without spelling it out too much. The alternative is having a nameplate on his door or desk. But I'll reconsider it.

Quoted from DS741 P10: This flashback is a massive gripe for me. I don't think there's anything wrong with the topic or Boman and Spiel discussing it. It tells us a lot about their characters and fits the gritty mood you're trying to set with the script very well. But the flashback, it's just superfluous. It doesn't tell anything more than Boman & Spiel do. And apart from that, flashbacks in my opinion should be relevant to the story. If it told a backstory of one the characters or the story, even a case that they're on which has some magnitude or will be referenced again, but here it's just used for some throwaway lines lasting two pages. Unneccessary and misusage of flashbacks in my opinion.

Oh dear. As it's a big city I wanted to have the scene like this so a story being told between characters doesn't just play as talking heads but plays out as it happened.

Scenes like this won't always be in flashback. I don't want to stick to just detective and bad guy type story.

Fair points made. But it does tell the reader a few things about Bowman and Speal and their different attitudes to things. The other side of this is Maria and Bradley will come back into the story, albeit in a later episode.  

Quoted from DS741 P12: "What happened the dog?" To the?

DS, I must have read this four times before it clicked. Erm, people do say things like this. Unlike the gallery bit, this is meant this way.

Quoted from DS741 P23: Karl pulls out his Toledo gun - lifts it to near his mask. KARL Killing time. Sounds like an aside from a bad action flick in order to sound bad-A**. The timing for this just seems wrong too. If I saw this on the screen it would make me cringe.

Oh dear again. It might be as bad as you say. But perhaps not quite as bad as you think. Depends how he says it. Nevertheless, you could be right.

Quoted from DS741 P25: JEPP Fu foo fu f*** you b bi big boy! This guy's dog has just done a number on my throat. Time for a rebuttal, what would be better fitting than "big boy?"   I don't think it fits here.

Hmmm, this is an action type film/tv/comic. I'm not that fussy. Depends on the size of the cheque. Anyways, it is a well known action trope that whoever is taking all roles Mel Gibson used to get, they will definitely say feck you or feck off when the bad guys have him tied to a chair while the bad guys are threatening with a hammer or worse.

Think Daniel Craig when Mad Mickelson is playing rough with his erm, wedding tackle.

The idea was it was meant to be unintentionally amusing.

Quoted from DS741 P27: Alright, Jepp's young, but surely he's not that naive. He should know he's good as dead. I think you could really well add depth to Jepp here and also to make McMenace more intimidating. Go for "He'll skin my family" instead.

This is an idea. And not a bad one, at that.

Quoted from DS741 P32: I don't like the aside. Maybe he could walk over to Janine and go "Your F**king boyfriend is going to make me move soon." Despite her being unconcious, it would still sound just a bit more natural. P34: Once again, the aside. He could just draw a crucifix in the air, same effect.

Maybe same indeed. I get the ideas.

Quoted from DS741 I really liked the superimpose you used to start the script. Sometime soon.. is a great description for the future with just the necessary amount of irony. That is if I understood correctly that this is happening in a fair amount of years and it isn't literal.

Very glad you liked it. Seems silly to name a year when there's no need to specify. Sadly Lucas has made 'a long time ago in a galaxy far away' it has his own.

You understood perfectly, by the way.

Quoted from DS741 The script is gritty with some dark comedy in there and LOTS of action. I reckon it wouldn't quite be my thing on the screen, but it was a good interesting read. Definitely something different.

It may not even be my thing on the screen. Especially if Stallone was in it.

Many thanks.

Quoted from DS741 Karl is an interesting character. Contrary to JimiLamp I think him being an enigma in the pilot is what makes him interesting and that it would lose a fair amount of charm if you dwelved straight into his backstory. It gives the reader/viewer an interesting aspect, whether to root for him or not without knowing why he is who he is. I like his dialogue, the character is very reminiscent of John Reese from Person Of Interest.. without the moral compass.

Dwelved? Sorry, the pedant in me surfaced. Kinda ruins a compliment when you highlight a typo. Forget I said that. I could erase it. But then you'd never know.

I've grown extremely fond of Karl over time. Hopefully this will work out well.

I was trying to write something new that I'd not seen. I was namechecking certain films and the like earlier to give people an idea of what this script is as someone coming to it cold would wonder what to think. It's another reason I kept the logline brief. Trying to explain it properly in two or three sentences at this stage would be a mugs game.

Quoted from DS741 I liked all the detectives in the story. Great twist with Bowman and Speal in the end.

I do like them too. I'm also fond of the usual good guy detectives in films and tv. But I don't want to see another one soon. I wanna see more guys like Jimmy McNulty from the Wire.

Quoted from DS741 Janine to me, seemed like a Femme Fatale who manipulated Karl to work for Calter. "You're beautiful." "My Man." "Calter will be pleased." If that's not the point the scene with him and Janine needs to show the relationship between them more in my opinion, make us care of her death.

Ooowoh. Now you're doing some serious reading between the lines. I'm impressed. Seriously too. I'll have to limit my comments to the classic - you'll have to read future episodes to find out for sure.

Quoted from DS741 I also really liked Pollock. You got me to care about the character and his outcome with very little time.

Hey, thanks. I was very fond of him, too.

Quoted from DS741 McMenace was too comical for me. Even his name is too comical, especially considering the rest of the script was pretty dark. The dark comedy banter between all of the detectives didn't take away from it. That fit in great but McMenace... I feel like you need to tone McMenace town, currently he needs one of those clown masks on that those 4 killers had.

Indeed. Steady there, tiger.

McMenace, hmmm. Wonder I where I got the idea. But I have to concede he is that bit too silly. Pythonesque, but I don't have their chops. I have toned him down too. You should have read the ealier drafts. Maybe not.

No sheep in them either.

I think I was trying to do something along the lines of makes certain parts sillier to counteract the violence. Something Tarantino does well. But I don't have his chops either. Only he does. Well, and maybe Roger Avary. He did once, anyway.

Quoted from DS741 Calter once again, good job. Came up as a confident enigma calling the shots. I'm intrigued about what side he's on.

I refer the honourable gentlemen to the 'classic' reference I made earlier.

Quoted from DS741 Something I felt missing in this script was the lack of new technology. We're far ahead in the future (I think). There should be more than just Karl's gun. This is something I'd want to see incorporated into future episodes. You have a good action-packed beginning, I think in episode 2 you'll have to get to establishing the world to show there's more to this than just action.

I played all the new tech tech down as I wanted to focus on Karl. There used to be holographic screens and all sorts. Then I noticed they're everywhere in film and tv of late so I took all that bunk out.

Well, we don't actually know where we are in the future. I do. But me no telling.

There's other tech stuff coming, which hopefully won't dissapoint. Perhaps as early as Episode 2.

Quoted from DS741 Overall I enjoyed this. Good luck with the rest! You set up a good cliffhanger in the end. I like the tone you painted the world in in this script. I'm a bit worried that eventually readers/viewers could run out of characters to root for here, should prove to be an interesting writing challenge to make sure that won't happen.

I see what you mean about rooting characters. Hopefully they are rooting for the baddish guy. They're plenty they could get behind to root. The last bit is one Australians 30 and over will enjoy.

Many thanks DS. As Edmund Blackadder would say 'I like the cut of of your jib, me lad.'

Good review, not too kind and not too rough. You should do well round these parts.

You've made some good points and given me some good ideas. I could not ask for more. PM me when you have something you want read in return. Stay lucky, lad.

R

hey R,

I read the first 7 pages a day or two ago.  Not my cup of tea.

One thing that was really annoying was the "excessive" description of the fat guy being fat.

I also call it the "Killing Them Softly" syndrome.

I get it.  He's fat.  You don't have to keep hammering us over the head with it.

Quoted from deadite hey R, I read the first 7 pages a day or two ago.  Not my cup of tea.

Not again. Is there no pleasing you, deadite?

Look, I'll put Bruce Campbell and Paulie Walnuts in it. I will.

I'll get the fat guy to exercise a bit.

Oh well... Hang on. You said you'd read the first ten pages the other day on another thread.

I'd better move on. If I hang about any longer it might get reduced to four pages.

Quoted from deadite One thing that was really annoying was the "excessive" description of the fat guy being fat.

Well, he is very fat. I was just playing with the style of it. I quite like that bit meself. I suppose I would do. Be a bit sad if I didn't.

Quoted from deadite I also call it the "Killing Them Softly" syndrome.

Why? Does it remind you of The Fugees?

Quoted from deadite I get it.  He's fat.  You don't have to keep hammering us over the head with it.

Hang on, we've done this bit. Now who's getting repetitive. I've told you before, stop getting repetive. Stop it!

One day, deadite, you'll get sheepish about all this and like one of mine. There may be a blue moon that night, and my lotto numbers may come up as well. But one day, fella. Hmmm, maybe not.

Anyways, keep up the good work.

R

Filmed, this will be spellbinding.  Violence, the threat of violence and the aftermath of violence confront us, almost overwhelm us -- but don't.  The story survives and so do we.  

Conversation between characters is what it should be; a great relief -- when the detectives talk to each other, as frustrating as it is, they communicate -- it's their salvation from the nightmare around them.  

For all of the excess in the city, there's restraint in the telling of the story.  For example, the Fat Man wears a bathrobe.  The unwanted rosary beads are not destroyed.  The pigeon flies away. The vibrator is heard rather than seen.  These things are greatly appreciated by the reader/audience.

The interaction between Karl and dog, their shared understanding is a powerful strength that we, observers, share, even though we know that violence is a syllable away, we learn to trust Karl's commands.  

The fact that Karl speaks to our noble Janine with much the same vocabulary (as with the dog), and neither she nor we (nor dog) are bothered, is evidence, I think, that a world is created in which our old notions do not apply.  Quite an accomplishment!  I look forward to reading the next section.

CM,

Thank you. I'm flattered. So I'll enjoy without the usual spiel about... Well, you know.

The next installment is on the way. But I'll polish thoroughly before it shines - hopefully.

Better get back to it.

I look forward to returning the reads soon.

Many thanks. You notice things other do not.

R

Watched Sin City this weekend and look forward to the sequel coming soon so I thought I would give this a look.

Very well written, it was an easy read and this is coming from a person who prefers more dialog then what you have here but you really wrote some great action that flowed.

Your main character Karl is a strong intriguing character I love his dog sidekick and the toledo gun is really cool.

I have to admit that despite your main character being interesting and the action being well written the story didnt really grab me. I cant really envision where this story is going beyond this episode, I am sure you have great ideas for whats next but as a reader I couldnt really get a sense for whats next. It seems to be a revenge story but he is already at the doorstep of achieving that and no real indication of whats next.

With that said I will definitely read the next episode simply because I find the character interesting and I love the style you are writing this in, This story has real potential and I hope the next episode gives more of a clue to what the grander story will be.

Nice job Ren.

Sin City was very much in mind when I originally wrote this, YBT.

I'm glad you liked the writing. It can be hard to be brief yet effective. Which is what I was aiming for. Some think some of it's repetitive, but I was trying something new.

It's the first episode. I didn't want to hit the reader with a load of aims for the series from the off. The plot deepens in part two. I was more interested in introducing a few characters and the place it's set. So, I can but hope, you're more grabbed by what's coming up rather than what has been.

Good to know you'll be reading the next part when it's posted. I would like to say when that'll be. But would be foolish of me. Suffice to say it will be hopefully long before Dinklage dances again in the next season of GOT.

Many thanks for the kind comments. Glad you liked it.

Keep it up.

R